The Onion's Worst Moviegoing Experiences: Their Pain, Your Gain

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:01:00 GMT

The Onion A.V. Club asked its readers a simple question: what are your worst moviegoing experiences?

Little did they know, the entire internet had been waiting for this question for most of its existence, and it has something to get off its chest...

First, our worst moviegoing experience:

In New York City, the Film Forum is known for showing hosting retrospectives and premiering excellent independent films, such as last year's Ballast and Wendy and Lucy. Unfortunately, it's known in the community for being full of obnoxious old people at all hours before 7pm. One film buff former flame of mine decided that she'd had enough and refused to go there for any reason, ever. She said, "It's worse than going to see an Eddie Murphy film on opening night." I knew what she meant-- the noise at the Film Forum during the day almost always distracted from and ultimately ruined whatever movie we were seeing. However, one day I convinced her to see a double bill of old Sidney Lumet films on a Tueday in February-- virtually guaranteeing we would be the only two people under 85 (no joke.) About halfway through the first film, just as things were getting interesting, one old guy in front of us started talking to the film's characters as if he were in their living room, drinking their booze and eating their stew. He wasn't even funny, either. The guy sitting behind us stood up and told him, "Shut the fuck up, you old Polack!" We cringed and, ultimately, ducked... as we were directly in their crossfire. They continued screaming at each other, threatening to "take this outside" until I muttered, "Yes. Take this outside" in a monotone that I thought was hilarious. My date didn't, and slapped me, hard across the chest. But it worked. They sat down. It was only then that an usher entered, saw nothing was going on, shrugged, and left.

The worst part of this is that when we finally returned to the movie, we had missed an important piece of plot and the rest of the film made no sense. This is also why I never go to the bathroom during a film.

Here are some of our favorites from the hundreds of Onion A.V. Club stories, which are way better anyway:

I saw The Dark Knight in a packed theater, maybe a week after it opened. Some brain surgeon thought it would be a good idea to bring his kid, who was maybe 2. The kid proceeded to run around the whole time. I thought about going to get an usher but I would've had to walk past him to do it and he would've known it was me. Then the part where the gunshot goes off, the kid started screaming. Finally people started yelling "Take the kid out of here." The guy finally did but came back toward the end. I wonder why the ticket takers even let him bring the kid in, in the first place. I decided then and there, I will never go see a movie in a theater again.
[Re: Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem] Apparently, a woman and her two young kids and a FUCKING INFANT thought it would be nice to go see an R rated clash between horrible monsters. Well, not only did the baby cry the whole time, but the bitch got on her cell phone on several occasions during the movie. And to top it off, she let her kids run wild. More than a couple of times I heard the soft pattering of feet followed by a blur of movement in my peripheral vision. These kids were like ninjas.
Jaws 3-D. Waiting in line for the second show ever in Denver Colorado, the first audience gets released, and as they glumly walk past us, many yell out, "IT'S TERRIBLE, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY." We continued the tradition 90 minutes later. It continues to this day.
Went to see Titanic with a girl I was trying to date and another girl, right next to us, starts sobbing uncontrollably DURING THE OPENING CREDITS. Suffice to say, no nookie was had in that movie theater that night (by me).
About 10 minutes into Lebowski, she starts to rant about how stupid and unfunny the film is...And she keeps it up through the entire film. Every 3 minutes or so. I found myself trying to explain why scenes were funny, and I'd lose track of the next scene and a half. Yeah, I broke it off very shortly afterwords. I haven't been able to commit to a relationship since. She ruined love for me.
Ricochet - I was probably 11 or 12, my friend's Mom naively took us to see it. Also, my friend's little brother of 9 was there as well. We all sat in the same row. When Denzel gets fucked by the blonde hooker in the empty pool, I have to admit I was captivated. I was actually leaning forward watching with wide eyes until I noticed that my friends were laughing at me because I was so absorbed I guess. His mom even smirked a little. I was weirdly embarrased.

We had a virtually identical experience with Ricochet, although it was with our own parents and a VHS rental and I was subsequently banned from renting rated R movies until I was at least 9 or 10.

The best ones are the longest stories, including the one about a girl coming home from a horror movie to find the apartment building completely without power, the whole area plunged into darkness, and no way of finding the door to her own place...

Check them out at the Onion A.V. Club. Tell us about your worst and/or funniest moviegoing experiences in the comments.

Related:

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

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Anti-Valentine's Day Cards, Via the Onion

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Smoove B and the Onion invite you to celebrate Valentine's Day 2007 all over again... with their cards... which they, um, didn't update from last year.

But they're still hilarious...

See everything the Onion has to offer in the way of half-assed e-cards, here.

Also, don't miss these, either.

Video of the Day: Use of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT

In this Onion News Network report we learn about porn star Jennica St. Foxx, whose career is in danger because of a less-than-PC sex outburst. BE WARNED: This video, while quite funny, has lots of dirty words, porny pictures, and some dink. Just wanted to give you a head's up, because we know how much you dislike that kind of thing.

Scanner : onion

The Onion's Worst Moviegoing Experiences: Their Pain, Your Gain

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Harold And Kumar

We Call BS On The Onion's Topless Cello Players Story

Anti-Valentine's Day Cards, Via the Onion

Video of the Day: Use of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career