Scanner : oregon

Even Shoe Companies Want in On the Nude Ad Bandwagon

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The Oregonian, rapidly becoming the preeminent source of nudity news in the Pacific Northwest, alerted us to a new Nike campaign that involves butt-naked runners.

Butt naked, of course, except for their Nike Free running shoes, which are, of course, very far from "free..."

Apparently, everyone is on nikerunning.com watching the video, so we don't have it for you, but it goes something like this: a bunch of people run around naked (except for the stupid product they're supposed to be promoting, of course) at Bear Butte Training Camp. Now, where's my drum hit?

Some are very fit extras; the rest, Nike-sponsored athletes who train in Oregon. [Ed. note: Although the ad was filmed in California, where runners say the heat made stripping off their workout clothes no big deal at all.]

Holding a strategically placed guitar, U.S. 5,000-meter champion Lauren Fleshman discusses the Bear lifestyle. Nick Symmonds, a national 800-meter champion, bends to lace his shoes and gushes, "If you want to be a super-natural runner, you've got to train like one."

So, in other words, Nike is encouraging people to streak in order to become sort of demon dasher, a "super-natural runner?" Well, that we would love to hear about from the Oregonian.

Nike

The Oregonian

And here's a video from The Remore Island of a pole vaulter who lost his Nike sponsorship and took to the streets naked... with only his pole.

Related:

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Naked Olympians: Cyclist Rebecca Romero

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Look Out! Olympic Swimmer Amanda Beard Is Naked Again. This Time for PETA, Not Playboy

10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:35:00 GMT

Last June, a woman who had recently broken up with her boyfriend was shopping with her young daughter at the Portland, Oregon Target, just minding her own business. Out of nowhere, her scorned lover approached her and threw-- not acid-- but his own spunk in her face, while the little girl looked on in horror.

The man's eventual convicted for assault wasn't enough for Oregon legislators. Earlier this week, they made it a crime more akin to sexual assault, with greater punishments, and passed a bill making the act of throwing your semen at someone a crime. (The state House passed it unanimously; now the moves on to the Senate, where it will likely have smooth sailing.)

We're not entirely pleased with what we expel during sex either and are always surprised (but in no way appalled) that our partners haven't minded handling it. But having it thrown on you in a public place? This is one of the few bills in the history of humankind that we can all get behind.

Meanwhile, men the world over continue to glorify an arguably degrading practice. The most popular photos of the morning were these Got Milk "parodies" from a Russian tease magazine:

Story via OregonLive.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Accidental Porn Screening

Crush of the Week: Lisa Batiashvili

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

Christina Ricci Was Born To Be A Porn Star

America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Coke Ad Offends the Entire Country of Sweden

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

This Week in Gayness: Portland Mayor's Sex Scandal Heats Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:40:00 GMT

A gay candidate for Mayor in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, is not helping the cause by being a "fiscal conservative" who runs up astronomical debts to small businesses and then refuses to pay.

If you're gay and want to be on Tyra, you'd better be a "queeny."

Ted Haggard's former superchurch may have bribed a 20-year-old man into keeping mum about his sexual relationship with the preacher man.

ABC is the top network for gay themes, if GLAAD Media Award nominations are an indicator.

New York was thrilled to hear that its LGBT nemesis Joe Bruno has been indicted.

Bobby Griffith, a gay man, committed suicide at the age of 20 because pressure from the world around him was too much to take. His mother was a hardcore Christian and had fought with him over his sexuality, but after his death, she realized her mistake and became a crusading activist for the gay cause. Now, Lifetime is airing a movie starring Sigourney Weaver about this story. Of course, Focus On (Breaking Up) The Family objects.

And Sam Adams, newly minted Mayor of Portland, Oregon, has been unable to dog sex scandal rumors. He has returned to work at City Hall while a probe looks into whether Mr. Breedlove, his possibly underage lover, was indeed underage at the time of their affair. Breedlove says the couple kissed twice when he was only 17, but that was it.

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

A recent post in the Rants 'n Raves section of Craig's List Eugene alerted us to the fact that there are places called "sex arcades" where, instead of watching a peep show, people have sex on their lunch breaks.

Wha?

Here's how it breaks down: according to a Time Magazine story from April of 2005 (ouch-- we have been missing out), Houston's "so-called adult bookstores... offer private booths in which patrons can watch 25¢ peep-show movies and engage in anonymous sex with other patrons through holes cut in the walls." Sure, we were aware of the existence of glory holes and were well aware peep shows could be used for all varieties of sex, and that sex shops sold books (books! what the hell do we need those for in this day and age of free internet hardcore movies?) What we weren't aware of is that they are all happening under one roof these days, and that they are happening in small cities like Eugene, Oregon, for starters.

The unsigned Craig's List post by a "bookstore" employee offers us advice for our first an all future visits. As usual, we offer an abbreviated version of the epic-as-hell piece:

1) It is a complete wast[e] of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade.

2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. ...I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

3) If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you.... If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for.

4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable.

4[B]) If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING.

5) I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes... I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloth[e]s and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth.... I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever.... I will not be impressed, seriously.

6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you.

7) [I]f you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation.

8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor.

He lists his location as "whack shack." You can read the full-length rants here.

Related:

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Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

Related:

Flight of the Conchords... Already Premiering Right Here, Baby

Amy Winehouse Gets Naked. For a Good Cause. For Real.

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

What A Dick: Guy Invades Old Lady's House, Gets One in the Nuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

If you could've made this story up, what would you name the suspect in a home invasion, who was there presumably to rape an 88-year-old woman, who then grabbed him by the balls until he ran away and was quickly arrested?

No, really-- what would be the best name imaginable for a guy like this?

How about Michael Dick? Seriously, that's the name of a guy making major national news today in Portland, Oregon... perhaps due to the fact that he got his ass kicked by an epically awesome senior citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous, after breaking into her house and throwing her face-down onto a chair, whereupon our hero of the day, wearing only a bathrobe, reached back and got a handful of his genitals. Dick(head) then ran out of there without a word, taking off in a car which was soon spotted by the cops.

Michael G. Dick, a 46-year-old resident of Dersham, faces indecency, burglary, and other charges.

Photo via wire services.

Related:

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Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

Related:

Reversing That Circumcision Even Scarier Than You Thought

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

[Image]

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

I was busy moving into my new apartment yesterday so I wasn't able to post the bearded man of the week. But come on folks, this week it could really only be one guy—the ultimate bearded man...

Santa Claus!

No one rocks the beard better than Santa. His is the biggest, the longest and for being the biggest and the longest it is, by far, the cleanest. However, we're more partial to the natural look on Santa.

You?

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

[Image, Image]

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:26:00 GMT

No, we have not run out of bearded men to feature here on Scanner after just three short weeks (even though we seem to have no access to them, the world is full of beautiful bearded men), but we did come across a bearded woman who is a little bit our soul mate and a lot our hero. Oh, also she's absolutely adorable, if you can believe it.

Okay, so she doesn't grow her own beard, but she puts more care into it than most men put into the scraggly mops on their faces (we love those, too). Plus we're all for putting more beards in the world, real or fake. And we're so adding one of Erin's beards to our Christmas list.

[Beards.]

[Beards on Etsy]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Here's a new one: a guy caught jerking off near a couple of teenage girls says he was only giving himself "a groin massage." Bonus quote: "I haven't had an erection in the last ten years."

Here's another excuse for you: "Honey, I have to leave the toilet seat up, lest it fall on our young son's penis."

The Arcade Fire may be preparing to release a DVD.

Sherman Alexie's book "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian," a well-deserved National Book Award Winner, has been banned in an Oregon school after one parent complained. Their issue with the book?

[Hank] Moss, reached today by The Oregonian, said the book includes "a reference about masturbation, and that it's ok and no big deal." He added that he felt it was "inappropriate."

Hey, Hank! Find us any book taught at a high school in the United States and we'll find something in it that you'd find "inappropriate." Let me guess, you think the Bible is an "appropriate" book for children?

We hope she rots in the hell her victims believe in: a woman used her four-year-old daughter as bait to rip off generous churches.

Scores may blame the failing New York economy on its recent decision to shut down, but it also have avoided letting prostitutes do business inside its walls.

Jeremy Piven lost Barack Obama's phone number. How come, in an age where cell phones snyc to computers and all computers have address books, people still lose phone numbers?

And the original Luke Skywalker light saber went for $240,000.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.

Oregon Town Re-Elects Mayor, This Time As A Woman

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:33:00 GMT

Why are all the interesting Mayors of this country presiding over small towns in Oregon? First, we have the Stripper Mayor, whose downfall we are apparently being blamed for, and now, the Transgendered Mayor.

Stu Ramussen was the Mayor of Silverton, Oregon from 1988 to 1992, having been reelected in 1990. Now, he's back... or, should we say... she's back-- between his first re-election and this latest one, Mayor Stu has become Mayor Carla:

Rasmussen, longtime manager of the local cinema, was also elected mayor in 1988 and 1990, and served four years -- but that was when he was wearing slacks and sport shirts to council meetings. The new Rasmussen -- who got breast implants a few years ago and began calling himself Carla Fong -- wears skirts, lipstick and high heels.

The thing is, Rasmussen's been a fixture in this small former lumber mill town so long, people tend not to pay much attention to what he's wearing.

This means Ramussen is now the first transgender Mayor in the history of the United States and should serve as a shining example for all. For starters, Mayor Carla is sweeping out the Old Guard:

Rasmussen walks down Silverton's Norman Rockwell-like main street in a plunging purple top revealing impressive cleavage, with a tight black miniskirt, flowing red locks and dagger-like red nails.

He is stopped every few feet by people who want to shake his hand and congratulate him on his victory, in which he took 52% of the vote against 39% for incumbent Mayor Ken Hector in the nonpartisan election.

"To be perfectly candid, the incumbent . . . and I are not bosom buddies -- that was a bad choice in terms," deadpans Rasmussen. "Ken's heart is in the right place, but it's just when his mind's made up, that's it -- facts won't change it.

That's right, Mayor Ramussen/Fong, out with the stubborn, in with the new...

Via the LA Times.

Related:

New Documentary Looks At Life As An Intersex Adult

Transgender Rambo Goes On Rampage of Racism, Arson, and Harmless Fun

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The newest star on Obama's shortlist for a cabinet post: Hillary Clinton, with Secretary of State the likely job. Meanwhile, Obama will resign his Senate seat early (this Sunday) instead of waiting for the Constitution to push him out.

Nebraska is in chaos, with all sorts of parents trying to drop off their rebellious teens under the Safe Haven Law.

Finally, a talk show host who might actually be funny:

John Mayer is in talks with network executives to take his singing talents to the small screen - as the host of a weekly variety show.

Rod Stewart and Ron Wood's original breakthrough group, the Faces, may be getting back together. We're trying not to get too excited because there's not even a hint of an American show.

A cleaner at a zoo in Singapore either lost his mind or was on some powerful narcotics when he wandered into the tiger exhibit. Oh boy... not pretty.

A nudist was cleared of all charges for riding his bike at night in his Oregon neighborhood.

Taylor Swift might quit country music at some point to become a surgeon.

And Adrienne Bailon's publicity stunt may have paid off: Playboy liked the ass shots, and now want to see more... with $100,000 as their offer.

Note to Disney: Stop Hiring Future Porn Stars

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

China Joins The Sex Hotel Trend

Dita Von Teese Graces Us With These Playboy Photos

Life with the Obamas... in the White House

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Barack Obama is up to 364 electoral votes after winning North Carolina. Meanwhile, Oregon has a new Democratic Senator.

Anti-Prop 8 people rioted in the streets of California, which is today the most bigoted, shameful state in the union. Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump: "It's a real shame people are mixing up their church and state."

Joe Jonas didn't deserve her awesomeness anyway...

Ellen DeGeneres
says on her talk show (airing Nov. 11), “He broke up with you on the phone? That’s not right.”

Taylor responds; “It’s all right - I’m cool. You know what, it’s like, when I find that person that is right for me, he’ll be wonderful When I look at that person, I’m not even going to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 27 seconds when I was 18.”

Ellen was shocked by Taylor’s honesty, saying, “No, you did not. Aw, snap!” [Just Jared]

We can't say we disagree with London's decision to ban smokers from adopting children, although we wish people would spend more time trying to actually get orphans adopted.

We're still trying to figure out why this creep falls so quickly after trying to attack a girl in an elevator, but we're happy watching it over and over again just to see the ass kicking he deservedly receives.

Charlie Sheen denies a report that he was enjoying lapdances recently, perhaps because he has pregnant wife at home.

Evan Rachel Wood finally came to her senses and dumped Marilyn Manson.

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The Naked Lady Rides Again In Oregon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:25:00 GMT

What's Earth Friend Gen doing with her hands?

Back in June, we told you about Gennifer Moss, the "Infamous Naked Lady," who was prevented from bike riding naked in Ashland, Oregon's 4th of July parade. She's back in the news again, this time for actually following through on her promises, despite public outcries...

According to several sources, including the Associated Press, Moss has been riding her rollerskates naked through the Portland streets. The police, of course, are concerned for Gen's "safety":

They were getting calls about a nude on-line skater whizzing past tourists and rush-hour commuters.

But you can do that in Oregon, where occasional nude bike rides draw police only for crowd control and shows featuring live sex acts are protected as free speech.

Interestingly enough, the article eventually admits that the calls weren't "complaints." Rather, the fuzz said that Oregonians are so nice that they were merely concerned about their Earth Friend's well-being and that they stepped in to check on her. Nice try, copper.

By the way, press reports are confusing, but it sounds like one of the complaints was actually on behalf of construction workers. What the hell is going on with this country?

Via WKTZ.

Related:

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Homeless Woman Narcs On Craig's List Casual Encounters' Couple

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:54:00 GMT

The residents of Oregon City, Oregon are laughing their collective butts off today after the Associated Press reported on a Craig's List Casual Encounter gone hilariously wrong...

A newly united couple, listed only as a 46-year-old man and a 47-year-old woman, met in a central location to the both of them, a small city park, with the intention of getting it on. Nearby, a homeless woman was setting up her tent for the night when she heard what sounded like... wait, can't be, she thought: is that a man raping a bound and gagged woman in the middle of this park?

She alerted the po-po, who came out in force. The couple fled, although were soon tracked down... by a police dog. Ouch.

The guy's reasoning for fleeing the scene? Big surprise to anyone who has never used Craig's List for sex: he's married. Too bad, he was busted along with his new friend and their total bail amounted to $33,500, based on charges of trespassing, disorderdly conduct, and indecency.

No word on whether this was some sort of park-rape-bound-and-gagged-fantasy or just your regular Wednesday night park sex.

Via the AP.

Photo via Garrett LeSage.

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Girlfriend Of Pro-Life Republican Confirms Abortion And Sordid Details

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:10:00 GMT

A couple weeks back, we told you about the Oregon Republican Party's nominee for Congress, Mike Erickson, who allegedly drove his girlfriend to an abortion clinic. Erickson, of course, is running on a staunch pro-Life platform.

Now, his ex has come forward to confirm the rumors... and more damaging details...

[T]he Oregon City woman said she met Erickson in September 2000 and that she had the abortion in January 2001. They saw each other afterward, she said, even going on a trip to Mexico in March, before the relationship ended. She spoke on the condition that only her first name, Tawnya, be used.
Erickson agrees that he gave Tawnya $300 for medical help, and a ride to a doctor's office, but said he didn't know she was pregnant or planned to get an abortion.
Tawnya, now 34, recalled sitting with Erickson that January, parked across from the abortion clinic.

"I asked him, 'Are you sure you don't want a baby?' " she said. "He shook his head. I opened the door, got out bawling and crossed the street and walked up to the clinic."

Erickson... told The Oregonian he didn't remember many details about their relationship, including where they met or when they dated.

This guy is the worst liar ever-- first of all, he actually admits to giving a woman he was just "dating" $300 for medical care, but has no idea what it was for and can't even remember the details of their relationship?

"Did I pay for an abortion? Absolutely not," Erickson said.

"She was having some financial troubles," he said. "She asked for some money to go have a doctor's appointment — not knowing what that was — and whatever happened, happened, I guess. I didn't even know she had an abortion."

We almost laughed out loud about what a pathetic jackass he is, but then realized this ain't funny. Erickson is a creepy and dangerous degenerate, which unfortunately means he will be a perfect fit for the United States Congress. And although he did win a bitter primary, hopefully the Democratic incumbent won't do anything like pledge to increase the abortion rate or take photos of herself hugging Fidel Castro and will emerge victorious.

Via The Seattle Times.

Boy Dies From Urinary Tract Infection While Parents Pray

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:15:00 GMT

We're not out to attack religious people or anything. It's just that in the past few weeks, there have been a bevy of news stories out there in this country that happened to feature wackos who happened to be religious doing things that happen to be totally bonkers nutjob crazy.

Now we hear from Strollerderby and the AP that a boy in Oregon died from a urinary tract infection (!) after his parents failed to so much as request a catheter for him. The fucked up part about all this is that they might not even be charged in his death...

Oregon state law allows minors 14 and older to be responsible for their own medical decisions. The family in this case is claiming the boy made the conscious choice to eschew regular medicine and turn to prayer. The prayer failed when the blockage caused urea to poison the organs in his system, eventually leading to heart failure.

While we disagree with the notion that 14-year-olds can be responsible for their own wise medical decisions (we're in our late 20s and can't make any decision now, let alone a medical one), just like we don't think teenagers should spend their lives in prison for any reason, we respect this law, since it might be applied to abortions and other decisions the teenager wants to make on their own without parental interference. The problem is, in this case, if the boy changed his mind while he was bedridden and wanted to seek medical treatment for his bronchial pneumonia, his protectors wouldn't have helped him. (And the fact that when his condition got worse and worse despite their praying and they weren't willing to step back and say, "You know what? Maybe this praying thing isn't working out? We should defy God because our son is so precious to us?" Okay, wait, that sounds terrible... but you know what we mean-- this is just terrible. People can believe whatever they want, but when a child's life is at stake and you don't do anything, that's where the secular world should step in and, at the very least, make sure this family never lets a child die again.)

You can disagree, as we're sure some of you will, but this is only an opinion. Some people might say that we shouldn't tell others to compromise their beliefs for anything, not even to save a life. We respect that point of view, although respectfully disagree with it.

One more thing. Seriously, we're asking: is there a passage of the Bible that specifically mentions doctors, medical treatment, medicine and condemns every one of them? It's fine to pray, but if you break your arm, for example, don't you get a cast? Just wondering.

Via Strollerderby.

Infamous Naked Lady To Parade Topless On July 4th

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Jen Moss, local celebrity in Ashland, Oregon, is planning to express her constitutional right to go topless in public during the town's 4th of July parade next month. However, she's running into stiff opposition (no pun intended.)

Moss has been known as "The Naked Lady" since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, Calif., drawn by the town's nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts.

Of course, the local Chamber of Commerce will ignore this law and the Bill of Rights and do whatever it takes to prevent Moss from parading on a bicycle, "wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell."

"We don't feel that someone in the parade who is topless or nearly naked is appropriate for a family audience. She's welcome on any other day of the year to do that. But not on the Fourth of July while in the parade," parade chairman James Kidd was quoted.

Ahh... the Founding Fathers fought for naught, huh?

We'll keep you posted on the outcome. In the meantime, see this and this story for more on Jen Moss.

Abortion Issue Heats Up... For The GOP

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:00:00 GMT

On the same day a Virginia court struck down a state anti-abortion law as unconstitutional, a GOP primary in the most competitive Congressional district in Oregon saw a stunning upset...

CQ Politics reported this morning that

Businessman Mike Erickson won his party’s nomination for a second time in two years Tuesday, but an ongoing scandal casts a pall over his victory and could hamper one of the GOP’s best shots at picking up a Democratic House seat in the fall.

What was this shocking scandal that nearly doomed the Republican stalwart? We'll give you a hint: it has to do with abortion...

Mannix sent out an e-mail claiming Erickson had once driven a girlfriend to an abortion clinic and paid for her to terminate a pregnancy. Erickson has admitted to having a relationship with the woman, giving her a ride and giving her money, but claims he didn’t know the money was for an abortion. Both Mannix and Erickson ran as anti-abortion candidates. [CQ Politics]

Sorry, bub, not buyin' that one. We'll gladly meet you at the polls in November, when your ass is grass...

Obama Draws 75,000 In Oregon By Advertising Hannah Montana Concert

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Utilizing the latest in CGI technology, Barack Obama's campaign filled in a picture of a small gathering of his interns in an Oregon field with approximately 74,996 "voters," who are "energized like never before" by his candidacy...

The New York Times and other media outlets were fooled by the above photo, which appears to indicate Obama has some sort of "mass appeal," an idea Miss Hillary Clinton would not doubt cackle demonically at.

“Wow! Wow! Wow!” were his first words as he surveyed the multitude, which included people in kayaks and small pleasure craft on the river on an unseasonably hot day in Oregon. [New York Times]

See, right there you know the Times couldn't have been there. 1) "Wow! Wow Wow!" were words reported to be coming from a Presidential candidate and President of the Harvard Law Review, a magazine published in English. 2) Hehehehehhehehehheh. Beavis, he said "small pleasure craft." 3) "Unseasonably hot" and "Oregon" is obviously some sort of sly joke that we ass-cold Easterners do not comprehend.

Seriously, polls show Obama with a four point lead in Oregon (a scary 8% still somehow undecided), and Hillary way, way ahead in Kentucky, with about 11% undecided. Will this never end?

Photo via the Associated Press.