Scanner : orgams

How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We have to confess, there have been times when our female partner is having an orgasm that we raise an eyebrow and all but blurt aloud, "You expect me to believe that? That's the pillow case touching you down there!" Or something like that.

Anyway, one woman has finally come forwarded with the information we've been waiting for: a list of signs to watch for if you suspect your partner of faking it when doing it...

Are her lips red?
When women climax, their lips (both sets, but most noticeably her facial ones) turn a little bit redder and slightly swell.

Has her breathing and heart race increased?
While it's easy to fake moaning and groaning, it's harder to fake physiological symptoms. During orgasm, her breathing should sound faster -- almost slightly erratic -- and her pulse should quicken.

Is there an increase in lubrication?
You shouldn't have to reach for the KY, her juices should be flowing freely at this point.

Does her vagina feel tighter?
During orgasm, women experience pelvic muscle spasms and vaginal contractions.

Did her nipples harden?
Almost all women (around 95 percent) have hard nipples during climax.

Can she hold a conversation?
If she is truly having an orgasm, aside from the occasional "Ohmygod" or animal-like grunt, she shouldn't be able to say much. If she's talking in complete sentences, chances are she's not coming.

Is she smiling?
OK, while this reaction isn't guaranteed, most women reactively smile after achieving The Big O. We feel relaxed and satisfied, so really, what's not to smile about?

The only problem with this post is the author's assumption that fakers are only doing it out of genuine love for their partners:

Here's the thing Bros: women will not fake it for just anyone. If we did not care about you, we would not waste the time or energy. If we did not want a repeat performance, we would not stroke your ego and let you think that your maneuvers left us trembling. Because honestly, if I really didn't care about you, I'd say, "This isn't working for me" and draw you a diagram of the female clitoris.

By a show of hands, how many of our readers are fakers? That is, you fake it on a regular basis... for those of you without anonymous logins, how about you tell us a story about your "friend..."

Via the BroBible.

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

No Foreplay For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Just in time for Valentine's Day: a new "study" we'll all agree to hate, saying foreplay is completely unnecessary, validating horndogs everywhere...

The findings appear in this week's issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. (Wait, there's a Journal of Sexual Medicine? Why hasn't anyone sent us a subscription?) The article starts out by saying that therapists have been telling dudes for years that they need to warm their ladies up before things really get going. As lazy, selfish men have tried to tell everyone for years, this advice turns out to be irrelevant:

Turns out, [says the study of 2360 Czech women], sex time was correlated with orgasm consistency, but foreplay time was not. The results held even after excluding women who said they were with literal minutemen (these guys may have had problems with premature ejaculation.)

Among all the women, the average reported foreplay duration was 15.4 minutes, and the average intercourse duration 16.2 minutes, significantly higher than has been reported in American samples. The authors write: "It could be that this reflects, on average, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans." Oh? Is that why Europe is the only continent with a population drop from 2000 to 2005? [Psychology Today]

Hey, leave the jokes to us, Psychology Today... not that we can come up with a comeback or anything...

Of the women who report average intercourse length of 1 to 10 minutes, 50% had an orgasm most of the time and 28% had them in a minority of cases or never. For women who report 11 to 20 minutes, the numbers are 62% and 22%, and for the women who boink more than 20 minutes they're 72% and 13%. On word of this research, I would not buy stock in Trojan Ultra Thins.

Oh. Snap. By the way, you can read more of this at Psychology Today, via Gawker.

Related:

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes

O Face: The National Anthem

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend need a personal trainer for their lovemaking?

A new product by Sega Toys is the most bizarre sex-related device we've ever come across...

It monitors your heart rate, among other bodily functions, and gives you advice from a small, recorded set of instructions. Most of them are entirely idiotic, like having a boxing trainer perched at a bedpost, whispering, "Get 'em, tiger, get 'em." For example, "The foreplay will now begin" (oh, baby, we're turned on already) and "You are making love at a very good pace."

These two dolts from Jackson Hole, Wyoming think it's a terrific idea to have a fucking Bluetooth device strapped to their heads during sex:

Here is ghastly device in all its glory. Still interested in purchasing it for some reason? Read more here.

Via Gizmodo.

Related:

Git Yer New York Sex Blogger Calendar Here!

Amber Heard Finally Nails Her Breakthrough With This Sex Scene

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

O Face: The National Anthem

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:05:00 GMT

Previously, we brought you images of news anchors having orgasms mid-broadcast. Thanks to a photo essay from today's Jossip, we're now able to bring you a stunning(ly pointless) sequel: singers reaching the climax of our national anthem, plus the above photo of John Mayer for the hell of it.

These choices are rather disappointing and, considering the national anthem, limiting. Why not expand our search to include the same singers belting out their own songs and giving us their best "O Face..."

Just kidding about that last one-- we hope. Well, these aren't turning out to be the masterpieces of photography we were expecting. We'll have to fall back on an old standby (as they say), with this photo of national anthem butcher Jessica Simpson, which deserves the caption "A Virgin Demonstrates What An Orgasm Must Be Like."

via Jossip

Related:

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

The Face of the Orgasm

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

See why after the jump.

As Emily noted in yesterday's Sloppy Seconds, some idiots over in the UK (rapidly become the near-police state we have across the pond) think it's wise to give blogs ratings. If so, we'll circulate a petition saying every blog will agree to rate themselves XXX, rendering the internet entirely useless for most people until a law is passed abolishing the ratings.

We've always hated the concept of blog, movie, or even video game ratings (for one thing, way to give away what we're going to see-- "Rated R for strong graphic violence and sexual content" and there hasn't been any of that in the first forty minutes? Well, we know how this is all going to wrap up, see?) However, we were unable to resist One Plus You's attempt to rank blogs in advance.

Here's how Scanner stacked up:

So, wouldn't a religious (wacko's) site railing against pornography, abortion, and women actually enjoying sex be NC-17 as well? Gotta love indiscriminate censorship...

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:16:00 GMT

These excerpts from Pravda RU (an online newspaper not to be confused with Russia's other Pravda newspaper, which is also available online) made us laugh even harder than we did when we saw this imaginary "orgasm face."

Since, we all know, there is no such thing as the female orgasm.

Here are our favorite moments from an unsigned series of articles on the mysterious G spot, clitoris, and female ejaculatory function:

Female orgasm is probably one of the most mysterious phenomena in the world. There is very little precise knowledge about this phenomenon, some people hardly believe in it, although they do think that one needs to talk about it. Female orgasm is like the divine afflation – it is different and unique every time and all the time.
Some think that the clitoris is the most important organ in the process of achieving female orgasm, whereas others prefer to point out the importance of the vagina, or even both. Another theory says that female orgasm is a pure myth, which party girls made up to steal other women’s husbands.
The state of affairs with male orgasm is simple: relatively long frictions result in a small explosion and a little bit of moaning and panting, and it is pretty much it. A man ejaculates a substance, which incarnates the triumph of the materialistic philosophy over the idealistic philosophy: there is no God, “a spark will kindle a flame” if no contraception is used.
[To find the G spot] According to Grafenberg, one needs to insert two fingers in the vagina (fingertips turned upwards) and move them around.
[A] woman’s ability to experience orgasm can be determined through a simple and inexpensive procedure. [Yes, it's called letting me take her to dinner.]

But seriously-- these are actual excerpts. We were trying to eat, so we read no further for fear of choking to death on lunch prepared by our subservient wives. However, we did notice Pravda's other headlines of the morning:

Israel prepares to wipe Gaza Strip off Earth’s face

The absurd persistence of domination: Of speciesism, capitalism, and shaking their foundations

Ukraine’s unprofessional president and prime minister to kill the nation

Wonder if these people are hiring English translators...

More here and here. Image via this link.

Related:

Some People Just Don't Understand How Aliens, Orgies and Obama Go Together

Microchip To Make Sex Fiends, Nerds Out of All of Us

Italians Find Your G-Spot, Promptly Lose It Again

The One Way You Never Thought You'd Have An Orgasm

Italians Find Your G-Spot, Promptly Lose It Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:20:00 GMT

A group of Italian scientists have located the g-spot. We repeat: men have found the g-spot.

By the way, those lousy scientists claim that if you're one in four women, you don't have a g-spot for a guy to lose his mind attempting to locate...

According to their research, just published in New Science, the quacks claim only eight of the thirty women who participated in their study could be found, via ultrasound, to have a g-spot. All but one of those eight were able to have vaginal orgasms, if you count the two who were given assistance in finding their zone by the Eye-talians.

Interestingly,

Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. [Live News.com.au]

Don't despair, "thin-tissued females," you can still give yourself vaginal orgasms... "through practice." Of course, the scientists couldn't be bothered to elaborate on what that means.

Related:

The One Way You Never Thought You'd Have An Orgasm

Meet Aiko: She'll Love You Long Time (And Do Your Taxes)

Sexy Priest: The 2009 Calendar... From the Vatican

48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 17:27:00 GMT

When you think about it, it should have been obvious from the start that a push-button game involving a giant phallus would eventually morph into a push-button game involving a giant vag...

Of course, the folks at Ripten, which claims to have an exclusive first look at "Arctivision's" holiday blockbuster video game, are kidding around. But it makes us wonder why somebody hasn't come up with this already... it's obviously a tremendously commercial concept. Check out the highlights from the fake press release:

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life.
Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:
“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled..."
Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that?"

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Obviously, whoever wrote that is a virgin, and not even the "Well, I did finger this one girl at the eighth grade dance" virgins, either. Or maybe we're doing it all wrong. Either way, we'd love to try this out... if only someone would produce this title for real...

Via Ripten.

Do You Want To Watch Weird Swedes Put On Condoms?

Yes, We'd Like A Lifetime Supply of Pronto Condoms, Please

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

CBS: Woman's Orgasm Caused Her Stroke

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:39:00 GMT

A few weeks back, we brought you the story of the Englishwoman who was fined by her town council after having months of crushing sex with her boyfriend that kept the neighbors up. Now we have a much less funny version for you...

According to CBS News, a woman in Illinois suffered a stroke at the age of 35 after having an orgasm...

"This young woman ... while having intercourse had numbness on the left side of her face, slurred speech, and weakness in her left arm," Biller tells WebMD. "When she was transferred to our care six hours after onset, she was completely unable to move her left arm, her face was paralyzed, her speech was garbled, and she was in a state of panic."

Forgive us for saying something so obvious, but having a stroke sucks. We've watched it happen to someone we knew in a nursing home and have had nightmares about it ever since. What's even worse about this story is that in order to save her life, doctors were forced to run

a catheter from an artery in the woman's groin up into her brain to find the blood clot by angiography.

There's a happy ending to all this, thank your respective higher power (or whatnot.) The procedure reversed most of the effects of the stroke, even though it had been much longer than the three hours generally required from clot-killing drug tPA to work, and today

she is well, with only an almost imperceptible fold in the skin under her nose and slight loss of dexterity in her left hand.

Phew. And what, CBS, can we learn from this episode:

She shared one thing in common with six other young people who suffered sex-related strokes: a small opening in the wall between the two upper chambers of her heart.

One in four adults has this minor heart defect, called a patent foramen ovale or PFO. A PFO allows some blood to flow from the right side of the heart to the left side. This blood bypasses the lung and goes straight to the brain.

Most people with a PFO have no symptoms and don't know they have it.

Also, for a person to have a stroke during orgam, they must have a blod clot. Luckily for all of us, this is a rare occurence, but if you experience these kinds of symptoms, take your ass to the ER, insured or un-.

Via CBS News.

Related:

Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

Woman Fined By Her Town After Two Great Years Of All-Night Sex

Teen Prisoners Have Wild Sex Party on Valentine's Day

Women Host Sex Party With Six Teenage Boys

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

Oklahoma Sheriff Makes Nazi Wardens Look Like Pansies

Scotsman Can Tell What Your Orgasms Are Like Just By Staring At You

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:46:00 GMT

In what history will probably reveal is the most perverted study ever conducted by a major European university, researchers from the University of the West of Scotland (eh, probably not that major) went to Belgium to see if they could tell what a woman's orgasms were like just by looking at them...

And by "looking at them," we mean "a lot more than just sat around and used their eyes..."

1) The women they used were all Belgian university students. Pervs.

2) The women were asked about their sex lives and then videotaped (from the bushes, perhaps?) walking down the street. Pervs.

3) They had female sexologists (presumably hot professors with glasses and lab coats) watch the tapes and take a guess whether the women could have vaginal orgasms. Pervs. (You know, girls talking about other girls getting off...)

Seriously, though, it turns out women can have orgasms. Wait, sorry, we meant: it turns out that the sexologists guessed correctly guessed 80% of the time as to whether the woman could have orgasms vaginally. Um, no offense guys, but we're pretty sure if we said yes a bunch of times and no a bunch of times, we'd be correct about that much of the time. Or maybe not... after all, not as many women can have vaginal orgasms as you may think...

The study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that trained sexologists were able to correctly infer vaginal orgasm more than 80 percent of the time by watching the way the women walked. Further analysis revealed that the sum of stride length and vertebral rotation was greater for the vaginally orgasmic women.

"This could reflect the free, unblocked energetic flow from the legs through the pelvis to the spine," the authors note.

A woman's anatomical features may predispose her to greater or lesser tendency to experience vaginal orgasm, the authors speculate.

We're sure you'll have jokes about how those Olympian speedwalkers must be great in bed... share them if you must.

Via UPI.

Related: