Scanner : paparazzi

While You Were Sleeping: Paul Newman’s Gay Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Free mp3’s from the likes of She & Him, Robyn Hitchcock, and Shawn Mullins can be yours if you donate so much as one dollar to save Paste Magazine.

We really feel bad for this woman who cried in her mugshot photo, even though she put up an ad on an elevator wall offering sex for money and gave out her real phone number.

Tom Hanks is upset his Angels and Demons sex scene was cut for the PG-13 rating.

John Mayer sends text messages that say “I want to tuck you in” when he really means a word that starts with “f” instead of “t,” according to the ever-reliable New York Post.

Hey Brits– the best breasts are in Yorkshire.

Gerard Butler has been charged with beating up a pap.

Shanna Moakler asked Carrie Prejean to “stop lying.”

And a new book claims Paul Newman and James Dean slept together. That seems believable– if we were forced at gunpoint to have sex with another man, it would have to be one of these two in their prime.

PapSmeared: Susan Boyle's Near Nip Slip

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 18:39:00 GMT

Susan Boyle—the frumpy little old lady who could sing—achieved instant star status after appearing on Britan's Got Talent and wowing even its most critical judge, Simon Cowell. But as fashion magazines and gossipy blogs have been all too quick to point out, Boyle doesn't exactly look like a star. And she's okay with that. While she has no plans for a complete makeover, she told Oprah yesterday that she just put on a little make-up and some new clothes "to tidy myself up." Even so, not even Boyle's boobs are safe from the paparazzi, as one quick cameraperson who caught a glimpse of her braless bosom poking out of her 'tidy' button-down proved.

Related:

Eva Mendes to America: Take Your Nip Slip Censorship and Shove It

Mischa Barton's Nip Slip

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Hot or Not? Scarlett Johansson's Fuzzy Nipple

Top 10 TV Nipple Slips and Wardrobe Malfunctions

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While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Strip Show

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Christopher Hitchens recalls the night no one wanted him to get loaded, so he went to Hunter Thompson's house to get bombed and fire off some guns. Someone explain to me why life is worth living without that man in this world.

Tomorrow's South Park is about pirates.

An Australian town chorus posed nude for charity.

The Food Network Magazine benefits in this economy-- maybe because no one can afford food, so they decide to read about? Not sure on this one.

Madonna may have lied about paparazzi causing her fall from a horse. Ya think?

This guy is right about his water bill-- there's no way he used 300,000 gallons in one month... and he's also right that no one, not even a well-meaning anonymous donor should have to pay the price for the water company's clerical error.

Rumors are brewing that Lindsay Lohan is considering joining a topless revue. Man, the internet will believe anything Perez Hilton tells them, huh?

And Stephen Hawking is apparently in serious condition in an English hospital.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:03:00 GMT

Paulina Porizkova turns 44 this week-- can you believe it? Either way, hopefully you'll agree that she's as stunning as ever.

The Czech-born supermodel was recently captured cavorting topless-- on a U.S. beach, no less. This woman has nothing to hide, prove, or be sorry about, so all those who made nasty comments on blogs where these photos appeared can kiss her bikini-covered...

Here's what a handful of ungrateful children of God had to say about these snaps:

her nipples are huge compared to her breasts! She has ugly breasts in my opinion. [ugly breasts? The only ugly breasts are certan boob jobs, okay?]

around the kids? really? [right, teach those kids to be ashamed of their bodies!]

her nipples were used too much ..they are dark color...well...she is still in good shape [what do you mean? from breastfeeding?!]

You are great.I love to be able to contact you. Ayman Awwas + 962 79 556 00 22 [uh... yeah... Portizkova didn't post these herself, you know]

And a few true winners:

most people wished they looked this good in their 20s let alone at 43. She looks AMAZING.whoever said she has ugly breasts are stupid. in fact anyone talking shit about her body is stupid...

she's better looking than the competitors

Anonymous, if topless women on the beach bother you, maybe it's time for a trip to Europe to broaden your horizons.

Broaden your horizons... there's a sexual pun in there somewhere, if only we knew what to do with it.

Hot or Not: Russell Brand & Lookalikes

Colleen Kane — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:17:00 GMT

We missed some stories during that recent week we were at SXSW, one of them being the series of paparazzi photos of Russell Brand letting it all hang out as he surveyed the new day from his hotel room.

However, during that aforementioned week we didn't miss the handful of young men in Austin who were rocking a similar look to Russell, i.e., looking like longhaired stubbly scumbags from 1990. To which our reaction was, really?

You'll see in the comments to the News of the World piece about Russell that he's quite a polarizing character. So we must hand it over to you readers. Hot or not?

Cosmo Names The Sexiest Man In the Universe...

PapSmeared: Lindsay Lohan "Maybe if I Hide Behind My Hand They Won't See Me"

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:53:00 GMT

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Pat Smeared: Pray for the Swayz

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:23:00 GMT

Not much to say about Patrick Swayze looking so gaunt and ill, other than: Sadness!

Related:

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:19:00 GMT

Necessity is the mother of invention, so when Lily Allen found herself lacking certain information about herself last June, she simply Googled.

Lily apparently got so drunk at Glamour's Woman of the Year awards last year that she had to be carried out. The next day she discovered to her post-blackout surprise that she'd brought a party home with her-- with celebs, no less, such as Mark Ronson-- but couldn't remember the details of how she got home.

“But I’d passed out in bed and saw my Glamour award on the floor and thought, ‘How did I get home? I Googled myself," she told the UK's Metro paper. Sounds useful, and also like a nightmare. Sometimes it's good to not be famous.

Related:

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

Jeff Bridges Has Looked Better

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

We like Jeff Bridges, he seems decent and he gave us the gift of The Big Lebowski. And handsome, to boot! At least as pictured above. Unfortunately, he's sporting a rather sub-Lebowski 'do lately.

MAN BUN! NOOOOO! What is he, a yoga instructor?!

At least this is a problem easily corrected.

Related:

Golden Globes Worst Dressed: WTF Was Up With The Hair?

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Britney Spears: When the Only One Who Understands You is a Paparazzo

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:15:00 GMT

We're barely even at the "attempting to wakeup" stage on this Monday morning, but luckily, Lily Allen has made another public faux pas that is quickly waking us up.

At this rate, we might even be able to operate heavy machinery or, even better, a margarita blender by noon...

Lily Allen, who has been telling the press about her "lesbian fantasies," took a swipe at G-A-Y fundraiser no-show Britney Spears by dressing up as Spears for an encore of "Womanizer" at the event over the weekend. The pop star, who as of today has a #1 single on the UK charts, dressed up in a sluttastic outfit that had the paparazzi like the attack dogs they most certainly are. A few of them tried to stick their cameras under her dress as she exited her car to sing at the event in Great Britain.

Fortunately for us, the Sun, the Daily Mail, and virtually ever other English publication caught the moment when she decided to sort of "moon" the crowd. We bring you only the highest quality source-- because you deserve it:

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What's With All the Kate Hate?

Top 5 Salma Hayek Sex Scenes

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

While You Were Sleeping: Mickey Rourke's Wrestling Career

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

Related:

Tickle Me Emo: Male Rocker RealDoll

Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Sloppy Seconds: Job-Sanctioned Sex

English Baroness is a Freaky Prankster

Celebrities Get Drunk Too (Photos, Video)

Colleen Kane — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Celebrities: They're just like us! They get drunk! Only they have paparazzi following them, and then the photos end up on blogs like Scanner.

The above shot is Sienna Miller being helped from London's Groucho Club before continuing on at another club til 3:30 a.m. A few more choice shots of tipsy famous folk have been compiled here.

But somehow we are most charmed by this video of a drunk and slurry Macy Gray from the other night. She just seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans Join The Mile High Club

While You Were Sleeping: Sienna Miller, Homewrecker

Sloppy Seconds: Sienna Miller Had a Bikini Malfunction, And We Have Pictures

Image: WENN via Bitten & Bound

Pam Grier Deserves Better Than This

Colleen Kane — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:45:00 GMT

Pam Grier obviously = Awesome.

So I was disappointed when watching a TMZ paparazzi video of her walking through an airport, when she gets asked by a gawker, "Who are you?" She answers breezily, "I don't even know," or something to that effect, and goes on to joke to the videographer that she'll be bearing twins for Quentin Tarantino.

That got me wondering what was new with Foxy Brown/ Jackie Brown, so I decided to look her up, and was further dismayed.

I typed in www.pamgrier.com, which directed me to Hustler's homepage featuring the image of young woman being double-penetrated.

Oh, Larry Flynt. I thought you were above such sleazy moves. Wait no. Never mind. But that sucks for Pam.

Related:

Word On The L Word: L Word Lady of The Week

Word on the L Word: The L Stands for Longevity

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

Related:

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Moonlighting in Porn Development

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

"Disaster Movie": a title like that is going to give the same critics (including yours truly) that trashed "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" lots of ammo for their brutal headlines.

Luckily, Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian, the film's stars, couldn't give a big, hot, reality star's ass what people think of their movie. Although they do worry about the stalkers and photographers, as they reveal in a couple of creepy-as-hell stories...

Are you guys able to walk around in public without being hassled? Do you ever have experiences with people coming too close to your space?

Electra: I had a weird experience when I was working at MTV. We were shooting an opening of a new restaurant or something. And we were in a different city. I flew in, and I was all by myself because it was one of my first jobs. And I didn't have anyone with me at all. I flew in, and the driver picked me up and took me to the hotel. And there was a guy in the lobby with a clipboard. He said he was from MTV and sort of had the rundown of my schedule and took me up to my room and was in my room with me. I was hanging out with this guy for the entire day. And finally the phone rings and I said, "Answer it," because I was getting ready. And the people from MTV freaked out because they didn't know who he was. It turns out he was a stalker, so they arrested him.

Kim, it probably helps that you always have a reality TV crew following you...
Kardashian: Yeah. But I was in New York last week on my way to the airport, and the driver was taking me. And I fell asleep. And when you're so tired and you fall asleep and your mouth is open and you do not look normal. I woke up to all these flashes. And the driver was turned around driving on the freeway, taking pictures of me sleeping. I was so freaked out.

Electra: Oh no. That's not cool. But I'm sure you sleep beautiful [laughs].

Kardashian: I was drooling down the side of my face [laughs]. I took his camera.

On the rumor mill... how ever do things like this get started:

Kardashian: There was this huge new rumor going around that I got arrested a few days ago for lighting a raccoon on fire. And they had all the paperwork and the documents that I was arrested [laughs]. It was just so bizarre. I don't even know where they came up with that. It was like in Compton, too. I don't think I've been to Compton.

In a separate story, Carmen talked about how their wrestling scene for the movie, which unfortunately begins existing nationwide on Friday, turned her into a Kardashian fan:

She says, "I really got to know her in our wrestling scene... We get into some down and dirty positions, so it's a good thing we became friends. Kim is so cool, not to mention being hot." [Starpulse]

Woody Allen, are you getting this? If you think there should have been more lesbo action between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in your (otherwise excellent) new movie, why not do a sequel with these two?

Of course, we're kidding. Woody has better taste than that... we hope.

Via MovieFone.

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Keeping Up With the Kardashians Kind-Of Kreeps Us Out

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

The Best Review of the Worst Movie Ever

Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

...In Which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz Make Out

Caption This: Perv Photogs And Bai Ling's Nipple Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:10:00 GMT

Bai Ling was recently voted the world's Worst Dressed Celebrity in a poll of over one million blog readers.

Now, to add insult to, well, insult... there's this...

[NSFW ahead]

Last month, Ling was promoting one of her many, many movies (for starters, she has ten movies listed on IMDB as in "post-production") when she made the unfortunate mistake of bending over in such a loose-fitting dress...

This just isn't her year. Did you know that back on Valentine's Day this year, a distraught Ling was arrested at LAX for the crime of wandering out of a shop with a pack of batteries and a couple magazines? Luckily, she was able to plead to disturbing the peace and escaped with a small fine...

...but man, this girl needs a break. Then again, if you can shock a papparazzi just with the size of your nipples, maybe that's a good thing. (We're big fans of freaking out, pissing off, or generally driving these people insane... in case you haven't noticed.)

It should be noted we're pulling out this old pic because a) if we'd known about it, we'd have used it a month ago and b) we first started out telling you about Hayden Panettiere's nipple slip, which we realized is total bullshit:

See why we hate papparazzi? Not only are you invading someone's privacy on their 19th birthday, but you're taking a picture of their nipple and you don't even do a good job of it...

Via She So Crazy and 2Snaps.

Who is Katie Price and Why is Her Nipple All the Way Over There?

Amy Winehouse's Nipple Slip

What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

Why Hayden And I Broke Up: A Scanner Confession

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Beckinsale's Vagina Fear

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:13:00 GMT

The President of Pakistan resigned today following an emotional, hour-long speech recapping his life. Has George W. Bush ever given a speech, besides the State of the Union, that lasted more than eight seconds?

A woman recalls her nightmare date with the phony "Rockefeller" kidnapper. She knew he was a fake when she saw Post It notes all over his car reminding him of his different "life stories."

John Mayer spoke to TMZ about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

"There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. People are different, people have different chemistry, different lives. You're either a cheater or you break up and I'm not the first one, I'm the second one. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
"Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
"I guarantee you there's 20 per cent of people on this street that are in a relationship they wish they could get out of and don't know how."

Laurence Fishburne will join CSI, as rumors previously suggested.

Just have colon surgery? Here, have some gum.

Wanted: women in Australia who do not consider themselves attractive.

What is up with the beer kegs in Iowa?

And Kate Beckinsale almost had a vagina slip, or she tells it:

"It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn't have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.

"On the way home, I said to my husband 'Darling, I think they might have gotten it.' And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed."

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

Kate Beckinsale Would Much Rather F*ck Than Cook

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:33:00 GMT

James Franco denies the shirt he wears in Pineapple Express is "stolen."

Betty White and Rue McClanahan both avoided Estelle Getty's funeral.

Shia Labeouf will not, as previously rumored, lose a finger.

Even some offensive jokes are too offensive for Bob Saget: he has lashed out at an eating disorder joke and other comments made at the expense of the Olsen twins during his own Comedy Central roast.

Celebrity Hero of the Day: Kirk Douglas, who has long fought for an official US apology for slavery, is thrilled that the House has passed a fitting resolution.

A judge tossed Lisa Marie's lawsuit against ex-boyfriend Tim Burton, which comes as no surprise.

The paparazzi have yet to capture Nicole Kidman's phantom baby. In a photograph, of course.

Can you believe the cast Chicago director Rob Marshall assembled for his new musical, Nine: Daniel Day Lewis, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson, Dame Judi Dench, and Sophia Loren... for starters. There's also some guy named Fellini who's working on the screenplay...

The Heath Ledger investigation has closed. It's unclear whether Mary-Kate Olsen's refusal to testify is a reason investigators ended their search, for lack of evidence.

Via WENN.

Related:

Preliminary Results On "Who Would You Rather": DD Lewis vs. Bardem

Crush of the Week: Marion Cotillard

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Sloppy Seconds: Matthew Broderick And Sarah Jessica Parker On The Run?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:25:00 GMT

John McCain waited for Obama to buy $5 million in ad to air during the Olympics before making his own $6 million buy. He'll do the same thing, kinda, with his VP choice.

Charlie Sheen, the highest paid actor on TV (hang your heads in shame, everyone), paid a doctor bill with loose change.

Lindsay Lohan's Dad is in the news again...

...this time he says because of his supposed "Christian values," he must refuse to walk his lesbian daughter down the aisle.

Baseball hasn't been this hip since the fifties: Wilco played "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley last night, during the 7th inning stretch.

A man has been jailed for "fondling himself" while running naked after a garbage truck. Guess we're not hip enough to be up to date on the latest fetishes.

Grand Theft Auto is back under the microscope after a kid killed a cab driver to see if real life is anything like his favorite game.

Amanda Peet says people should ignore the advice of famous actors and listen to her advice instead. In other news, Amanda Peet is apparently not an actor.

And Matthew Broderick and-- gasp!-- SJP may have to leave New York (scandal!) or at least find a new place to live because the paparazzi won't leave the couple alone. It doesn't help that your husband is probably cheating on you, Ms. Parker.

Crush of the Week: GTA IV's Lollipop Girl

Songs of Love and Hate: V-Day Edition

Did Eliot Spitzer Get Charlie Sheen's Sloppy Seconds?

Charlie Sheen In Today's (Second?) Biggest Hooker Scandal

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

We Leaned Over A Fence In France To Snap These Photos Of... People Magazine's Photos Of The Jolie-Pitt Twins

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:41:00 GMT

But it was worth it.

More sap hits the newsstands today, but for now, here's a nauseating/swoon-inducing taste:

"It is chaos, but we are managing it and having a wonderful time," Jolie tells PEOPLE of daily life at the Château Miraval in Provence, France, where the couple's four older children – Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, and Shiloh, 2 – have been enjoying a summer of outdoor play (hide-and-seek is a favorite) on the château's sprawling grounds.

Adds Pitt: "[It's] still a cuckoo's nest."

Fortunately, they already have some household helpers. "[Shiloh] and Z pick out [the twins'] clothes and help change and hold them," says Jolie. "It's sweet – they are little mommies."

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture Of Brad Pitt?

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Call Waiting With Bobby Tisdale: Angelina Jolie and Her Womb

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Vanity Fair's Best Dressed List: Perfect or Pathetic?

Sloppy Seconds: Brad and Angelina and the French Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Why is today the day that everyone is quitting on the B-list celebs? First, Kathy Griffin's assistant bailed on her, say she couldn't take it anymore. Now, Heather Mills' short-term and severely-suffering publicist has resigned after Mills called her "stupid."

Um, rejoice? Sean Combs is not getting married after all.

Nobody cares about the X-Files sequel?

Somebody named Daniel tried to sell two tickets to the Oscars on Craigslist, but Craig ratted him out. Craig... Daniel... Craig... Daniel... we wonder who the guilty party is?

A couple of "photographers" i.e. Peeping Toms with cameras and no sense of shame or privacy laws were beaten up by Brad and Angelina's bodyguards after being caught in full camouflage on the couple's French estate.

Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan are still together-- in fact, they may be bringing Red Sonja to movie theaters soon...

And best not to ask if a passenger in another car has any Grey Poupon: that person may be armed.

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

John Edwards, two-time Presidential candidate and John Kerry's Vice-Presidential pick in 2004, has been dogging a sex scandal for months, since December 2007, in fact. Now, as polls continue to show the former Senator as the most effective running mate for Obama (in terms of which states he helps pick up), his chances at a second nomination for VP is in serious jeopardy following these latest allegations...

According to the National Enquirer-- wait, stop. This is a serious story, being picked up by mainstream media, that comes from the National Enquirer? Well, it's not exactly trustworthy until you find out they're claiming they did their own reporting on this, following Edwards around and even attempting to corner him in a bathroom for a photo.

A team of ENQUIRER reporters caught the married ex-senator visiting his mistress and secret love child late Monday night at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles hotel.

...Edwards got out of the passenger side, walked around the front of the car and went in a side entrance near the swimming pool. [A friend of both Edwards and his alleged mistress rented two rooms and, the Enquirer claims, stayed in one of the rooms alone so the couple could spend time alone.]
Edwards' advisers are "spitting mad and furious" that his late-night escapades have made international headlines because it could derail his chances of becoming Barack Obama's running mate. Edwards has not explained his whereabouts to any members of other news media outlets who have been trying to follow up on the story.

His mistress, blonde divorcee Rielle, meanwhile... is "in despair" that Edwards might cut off contact with her because their latest rendezvous has been exposed in the media.

You may recall that this story came and went during the run-up to the Iowa caucuses. First, the love child allegations surfaced; soon after, they were "buried" when a close (married) friend of Edwards' came forward to say, "Hey, wait a minute. It was actually me." The story quickly vanished from even the conservative blogosphere, although no one seemed to believe it. We all acted like the detective does when a death row inmate takes a rap for somebody else-- he may have his suspicions but he's happy just to close the case and move on.

Word on the blogs is that, by the time you're reading this, most major media will cover it-- at least with reservations similar to the ones we voiced in the second paragraph of this post. We'll have more later on...

Via the National Enquirer.

Nevada Governor Sex Scandals, Part 226

Obama VP List Down To Top 20

Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now

Obama Turns Hillary Down

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:01:00 GMT

...which begs the obvious question... what were these knuckleheads doing actually watching the game?

Minnie Driver publicly thanked the biggest bunch of airheaded surfer dudes for their heroic efforts after video aired of the beach bums pounding some paparazzi into submission. The very pregnant Driver was trying to enjoy a day on the beach when privacy-invading photographers swept in with their long lenses. Check out the story and video, complete with full "don't photo me, bro" goodness.

There's a new movie playing in London about a boat orgy that ends when one guy hits a girl in the back of the head during sex and kills her. The title? "Donkey Punch," of course.

Is Grey's Anatomy going to kill off Katherine Heigel's character?

[S]taffers are considering giving her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, a brain tumor.
“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her [for dissing them after she refused to be considered for an Emmy, saying the past season's material was terrible],” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

Wired is really hyping their cover story on Julia Allison-- we've seen three ads online for it just in the last day. Apparently the editors were unaware the rest of the media covered this story back in the 2006 era.

A man claims he found a seven-inch knife in his sandwich in a New York City Subway restaurant. We're not sure why he's complaining-- we've found far worse things in ours...

Saturday's Blue Jays game was apparently not Bobblehead Doll Day, as advertised, but rather Topless Blond In A Hotel Overlooking The Field Day. The Ottawa Sun, which broke the story, has a full rundown of other similar incidences at the Renaissance Inn:

May 1990
During a Blue Jays game, hotel security and police throw out a man who was seen masturbating behind a hotel room window that overlooked the baseball diamond. Police said the man thought he was behind a one-way window.
May 1990
A couple has sex in one of the 70 hotel rooms overlooking a ball game attended by 55,000 fans. The couple -- who apparently weren't aware they could be seen with the lights off -- were "mortified." The incident received media attention around the world, including five minutes on The Arsenio Hall Show.
The Jays lost.
May 1995
In front of 40,000 fans, a couple has sex in a chair right next to the window overlooking the field during the 7th inning of a Jays-Royals match. The couple were seen right above the then-Jumbotron (now the Rogers Centre videoboard).
The Jays lost.

And more at the Ottawa Sun website.

Historic Non-Event: Angelina Jolie Gives Birth To Twin Humanoids

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:42:00 GMT

More important than "who's the father," the question of the day is actually "did they continue the long-standing tradition of celebrities giving their kids unusual, even bizarre names?" The answer is a vigorously-nodded "yes."

First InTouch reported Saturday afternoon that sources at La Fondation Lenval Hospital in Nice, France, said Jolie had given birth to twin girls. They said Angie delivered by cesarean on Saturday at 6 p.m. and had two girls, one born at 6:45, the other at 7.

But -- and it was a pretty big but -- Extra reported that the twins had not been born. They quoted hospital spokeswoman Nadine Bauer as saying that the InTouch report was "false information."

The spokeswoman insisted that journalists would not be notified "within minutes after the birth" and that the only way they would be told was by a press release posted on the hospital website.

Then Us Weekly said that French newspaper Nice-Matin had reported that Jolie had delivered a boy... and a girl.... They said Jolie gave birth shortly before 8 p.m. via cesarean section.

We really didn't need to know all that, but wouldn't it have been great if Brad and Angelina (we refuse to combine their first names-- fuck the New York Post culture) kept this back and forth going for weeks until people stopped caring or even believing the couple had any kids at all.

Now, here's the fun part: Can you guess which combination makes up the actual names of their twins?

a) Raven Bertrand and Haven James

b) Nadine Reade and Nathaniel Maximus

c) Lara Sage and Homer James Pitt

d) Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline

The answer is...

Jolie... delivered a boy named Knox Leon and a girl named Vivienne Marcheline... each twin weigh[ing] about 5 pounds.

Via the LA Times.

Chelsea Clinton: No Comment On Barack

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:36:00 GMT

We were involved in our first paparazzi chase on Monday night on the way to our birthday dinner, when TMZ's cameraman almost knocked us over to get video footage of Chelsea Clinton talking about her mother's rival...

We can't embed the video (fucking TMZ), but the point isn't the video. It's 42 seconds and Chelsea uncomfortably tries to avoid commenting on Barack Obama. What, you can't say, "while I wish my mother had won, I'm behind Senator Obama 111%?"

By the way, we can tell you that everybody-- and we do mean everybody-- on the streets of New York's Soho neighborhood stopped and stared as the parade of photographers raced after, encircled, and lunged at Chelsea Clinton, while TMZ's guy kept asking her whether she'd support Obama. We hadn't seen a spectacle like that since Sean Fucking Connery sat by a window eating Japanese food in a restaurant on the Upper East Side. He literally stopped traffic.

Anyway, it was a nice birthday present to myself-- after all, everyone knows I have a thing for Chelsea (see below.) Let's just hope she stops avoiding supporting Obama (which her parents will probably do) and do what needs to be done for the country: get a Democrat, any Democrat, into the White House.

Previously: I Hate Myself For Loving You, Chelsea Clinton

Crazy Stalker Attacks Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 20:10:00 GMT

A disturbed man who claims he only wanted a picture with Barack Obama stalked the Senator throughout a day of campaigning in Philadelphia today. The man was eventually prevented from reaching the Democratic Presidential candidate by the Secret Service after the stalker confronted Obama three consecutive times.

Why the Secret Service didn't body slam this man on his second attempt to reach the very patient object of his desire is beyond our comprehension. Is it illegal to fuck up idiots who'd waste the free time of the future leader of the free world? And if it is illegal, I doubt anyone would bust them for sucker-punching this punk.

Here is the full, unedited video, which we cannot embed yet for some reason: ABC News. If you can't watch videos or can't understand what this shrill assmunch is going on about so passionately, read the full story here.

We braced ourselves throughout the entire video for a gun to come out and for a very, very horrible moment in history to occur. Why no one else sought fit to raise an alarm until many minutes in is unfathomable.

Missing Video of the Day: Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:51:00 GMT

We're suprisingly still interested in seeing Lindsay Lohan have hot amateur sex, despite the off-putting details of her sex life and what parts we've already seen.

Unfortunately, this sex tape may turn out to fall by the way of the Kristin Davis one: a rumor or someone who looks like a starlett and is in fact a chubby phony. Calum Best himself laughed off rumors of a tape featuring him and LiLo:

[T]he 27-year-old's representative says, "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not Calum in the tape." [Starpulse]

However, if you read further, it turns out he's only denying that it's him in the recording. Does that mean we'll one day see Lohan in the buff, dt'ing some other random douche and doing other inappropriate shit for a star of multiple Disney movies?

These are not, as previously reported, screencaps from the unreleased video, should it exist. The below pictures, however, are some shots to tide you over, you pervs:

Above Photo: Bert Stern

Previously: We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan As Marilyn Monroe.

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Paris Hilton has had a spiritual awakening. She was seen in a trance, wandering the streets in her bra and panties and without her beloved chihuahua, Louis Safer, under her arm. She was escorted by a guy who looks way too much like a drugged-out Pat Moriata for our sanity.

TMZ has the video, but the joke was on them... and the rest of the paparazzo:

Paris is seen in the video with a shaman, whom she says had "changed [her] life." He has her give a diamond necklace to a total stranger at an LA coffee shop because "the greatest gift is to give." The shaman is full of shit, as the frumpy non-celebs know at first inspection during Parishaman's stop at a spritualist bookstore. The Huffington Post describes how the media had a field day with this story over the last week, with several sources outright calling Hilton brainwashed and crazy. Well, it was about time somebody took these fucksticks to task:

Turns out, as some outlets later discovered, the "mystic" was an actor named Maxie Santillan Jr., who has appeared on CSI and My Name Is Earl. And though some accused Hilton of getting Punk'd, the joke's on them: The entire scene was staged for a new show from Punk'd producer Ashton Kutcher premiering Sunday on E! (10:30 ET/PT).

No word on whether Paris asked for the necklace back when the shoot was over.

Britney Spears Knocked-Up by the Paparazzi?

Emily Farris — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:22:00 GMT

No, not just one paparazzo. The entire paparazzi. It'd be no fun if just one paparazzo knocked her up. What if the spawn of all the paparazzi combined burst forth from her overly fertile loin? What would it look like? Would it have camera lenses for eyes? Anyone want to give it a go in Photoshop?

Anyway, for reals, Adnan Ghalib — Brit's on-again, off-again paparazzo boyfriend and maybe husband — is claiming he did, in fact, knock her up. For real this time. No really.

[Star: Adnan: Britney's Having My Baby!]