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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

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While You Were Sleeping: Adopt George Clooney

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Let's just start the rumors here: Katie Holmes is not pregnant.

Singapore was stunned to experience the sight of an entirely-nude couple walking through the city for fifteen minutes. In New York, this wouldn't even get reported on Fox, but in a conservative place like Singapore...

In Sweden, if you're a teacher and don't like what a bunch of young ladies are saying about you on their blog, you can file a complaint against them. Boo hoo.

The great filmmaker Tom DiCillo is doing a documentary on The Doors that appears to have some incredible lost footage of the band.

It's the classic case of teach the kids to shoplift, take them shoplifting, leave the kids at the scene of the shoplifting. We've seen it all before.

We understand that there was discrimination involved, but why would anyone want to work at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone bikini bar anyway?

George Clooney, who will appear on the final episode of ER, would like you to adopt him.

And our headline of the day: "Pub Line bus service could become mobile bar for Fairbanks patrons."

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Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Memo to morons: setting someone's lawn on fire is not a "prank."

What kind of person tells her daughter she doesn't love her, then makes the girl pose for a photo for an article about how unloved she is?

The rumors are flying about why Caroline Kennedy is out of contention for the Senate seat.

Here's the resume help we all sorely needed.

Katy Perry on that whole celibacy vow thing: "I'd rather die!"

A guy is suing his ex-wife over having funded their daughter's life. The problem? DNA tests have proved the ex-wife was impregnated by another man.

And you thought your landlord's a shithead.

Cate Blanchett is so well-respected in her native Australia that she's going to get her own postage stamp.

And Sarah Palin appears to have hired a lawyer in preparation for a major book and or television deal. GO AWAY.

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

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Man Gets 4 Years For Doing Something Horrible To Grandma's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We were in Clearwater, Florida for Thanksgiving this year and heard a story so creepy, even we didn't want to write about it.

Which, as you know, means this is one you won't be able to brush off, no matter how much you drink to forget...

In court nearby, a twenty-year-old man named Nicholas Densmore (hopefully no relation to the Doors drummer-- or anyone else, for that matter) was being sentenced to four years in prison and one year's probation for raping a Yorkshire terrier. What's worse, it was his grandmother's dog.

And his grandmother caught him in the act.

Claudette Densmore spotted Nicholas hanging out with the dog in her family's motor home. When she approached, he took off running and dumped the dog in a trash can nearby. The dog tested positive for... oh, really, do you want to know? You don't. What makes this story all the more bizarre is that Nicholas's entire family testified in his favor and claimed the boy is schizophrenic, was off his meds, and should be at home where he can be supervised... by his grandmother. (Fark-ready tagline: "Why do they hate animals so much?")

Now that we think about it, was it wrong to put this guy away for four years, in light of what we know about his medical problems and the family's steadfast support?

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Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:47:00 GMT

If you want to get in the pants of a fifteen-year-old boy, one way to make sure that happens is to first sleep with his father, then stick around for an encore.

Anna Davis, who is a 32-year-old special ed teacher at Benton High in Shreveport, Louisiana, has been arrested for having sex with a juvenile. The cops found out about it following a phone call Davis made the boy's divorced Dad, who she was also sleeping with, letting him know that she was dumping him for his son. Dad, out of either disgust or anger at having been dumped (we're kidding), immediately dialed up Davis's school, which removed her and notified the police.

Her response? "I'm in love with him and I want to marry him."

The cops? "I don't know if she understood exactly what she was doing."

Yes, officer, she most certainly does-- it's called sexual intercourse and it makes people do very strange things...

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Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:09:00 GMT

What did one forty-year-old Dad do to prove his son was innocent of rape?

Why, show a school administrator the kid's sex tape, of course...

Early reports first indicated Cary, North Carolina father Dwayne Anthony Frazier (who is either 41 or 42, depending on which report you believe) brought a sex tape involving a son to a school official (likely the principal) in hopes of clearing the boy of rape allegations. Instead, he's been arrested on charges of second-degree and third-degree sexual exploitation of a minor.

It gets weirder: Frazier's son is only 17, which would make this child pornography. And weirder: the girl is rumored to be only 14-years-old. Whoops.

And now there's a rumor going around that Mr. Frazier himself filmed the supposedly consensual sex.

If Dad is trying to help his son stay out of jail, maybe he should just stop now.

Photo via WRAL.

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Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Prepare yourselves for the most terrifying thing you'll see all week: an eight-year-old who's just full of love for her mother's fun parts. In her own words, breast milk is better than "a million melons." Mom likes that her daughters breastfeed almost into adolescence because it shelters them from the sad, scary world...while making the world sadder and scarier for us.

We are all for breastfeeding, but someone needs to draw the line when the kid will have breasts herself in a couple years.

Meet your new nightmare:

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Debra LaFavre was 28 when she had sex with a fourteen-year-old male student. And so it comes as no surprise that Anna Louise Thompson, a twenty-eight-year-old now-ex-teacher in Brisbane, chose a girl of the same age to engage in a whirlwind three-year affair.

This story features a twist so unbelievable, we were sure the media made it up...

It all started when Thompson proposed the 14-year-old girl go to lunch with her. It soon escalated into sleepovers and racy text messages... while Thompson continued to be married to her husband. (Didn't he think something was strange when his wife kept staying over some kid's house?!)

“They started to experiment with sex toys, lollipops, and wore collars.”
The girl’s parents had no idea what was happening and actually trusted the teacher. Thompson was treated like a member of the family and invited to birthdays and Christmas. She used to stay over at the family home and the girl would often spend weekends at her teacher’s house.

Um. Um... collars? Wait, keep reading, this gets kind of shocking in a hurry:

But the couple were found out when the parents discovered them having sex one evening. Their reaction was simply to request that their daughter keep her door open when she had visitors. Thompson’s husband also walked in on the pair when he came home from work earlier than expected one day. [Bild.de]

So, everyone's thrilled with this arrangement and live happily ever after, right? Wrong. After falling in love with-- gasp!-- a guy at her school, the then-16-year-old student reported her teacher to the proper authorities and... well, you can guess what happened next.

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Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

We put streaking in quotes in our headline because the girls in this video are not actually naked-- they are about as naked as we feel comfortable with and can legally get away posting images of. Does that make sense?

Never mind, you'll just have to see for yourself...

Warning: this video appears to have been filmed by someone who has never operated a video camera before. You'll see what we mean:

Well, at least the beginning is all watchable. And hell, the story ain't bad, either:

Video footage obtained by CBC News shows a dozen South Delta students wearing very little run across the field and spray silly string on the opposing team during half time.

Johnson said he warned students last month not to streak at this year's final game of the season but was, obviously, ignored. Many parents and children left the game in disgust after the prank, he said.

"Our position is one that we don't celebrate this. We don't find it funny," he said.

The girls, calling what they did a "harmless prank," said streaking is a tradition at their school.

"It's just kind of like a fun [graduation] prank for our year, and it's been going on for a couple of years now," said one of the girls, who wanted to be identified only as Rochelle. "It was pretty much out of fun."

"I get older... Canadian high school girls stay the saaamme age..."

Seriously, it would be one thing if these girls were naked and molesting people, but other than that, these parents need to take a step and remember a time when they still had a pulse.

Here's a last parting shot-- a still frame from the video, about the only way you're ever going to be able to figure out what's going on in it:

Via CBC.

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Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Did you know more than thirty percent of ten-year-old girls worry about their body image? Did you just barf in your mouth a little?

Good, because now you're really in for it: makeover parties... for eight-year-olds...

A furious mother who, of course, prefaces her remarks in the Daily Mail by saying that she's not "prudish" (compared to what?), has something to say to these parents who want to make single-digit daughters into double-digit whores:

A few days ago, my eight-year-old daughter Bo came home from school with a bemused expression on her face. One of her friends was hosting a makeover party.
Bo instinctively knew that she would never have been allowed to attend. I was utterly appalled. Frankly, I would rather cut my left arm off than let my girls wear make-up.
I was horrified to discover that some mothers believe it's acceptable to invite little girls of seven and eight to a party for the sole purpose of having their hair and make-up done.

In the States, I know they offer body waxing for girls as young as seven.
With major supermarkets selling 'sexy' thongs for five-year-old girls or tops with provocative writing, our children are becoming objectified and sexualised well before their time. It's a paedophile's dream.

We knew about high heels for babies, but not about thongs for five-year-olds or (ewwwwwww) bikini waxes for kids. Is it time to make these things illegal-- obviously not the makeup party, which is just plain poor parenting and nothing more-- or what?

Via the Daily Mail.

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Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Sometimes news stories make you beg for more. Sometimes they make you beg to figure out why the reporter didn't ask some majorly important, obvious questions.

In this case, our first one would be: how the hell does a kid rob his own house? Why didn't he just wait for everyone to definitely leave the house, open the front door so it looks like somebody came in, then takes everything out the back, load up a car, and drive it to the pawnshop?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's the story, in order:

1) A 22-year-old and his 15-year-old friend (wha?) break into a house on Tuesday.

2) The 22-year-old's mom comes out, since it turns out to be her house, and says, "Like, what the hell are you doing, boy?"

3) The boys flee, but not before firing shots in the air to warn the multiple family members now entering the front of the house to see what's going on.

4) The family called the police, who dispatched a dog, which captured and bit the 15-year-old. The 22-year-old gave himself up without a fight some time later.

5) This was only the coda to their long rampage: the gunslingers are being questioned about a string of earlier robberies that took place earlier on Tuesday.

Much of this info was gleaned from the very thin Seattle Times story.

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China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:29:00 GMT

While we were pleasantly surprised to learn that women in China still give birth to girls, we were nonetheless puzzled by this story in the Southern Weekly, one of the country's last bastions of progressivism...

Shen Fan's "chastity education" lasted over ten years. When Shen Fan was in middle school, she hardly played with boys, let alone went to any parties. She didn't play with boys, she didn't feel she needed to. Even now, she never goes home later than 9 o'clock when she is with her family on holidays.

Sometimes her mother tells Shen Fan her own story: When she was sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution, she and her girlfriends were determined not to marry peasants. Their determination paid off: after they went back to the cities, all of the "sisters" got married with government cadres, doctor and businessman—all of them urbanites. Every time Shen's mother meets these friends, she becomes even more proud of the right choice she made.

"My parents believe that the most important thing for a woman is to marry into a good family, and losing virginity before marriage is losing competitiveness, which may lead to losing an opportunity of a good marriage," said Shen Fan.

Is a girl who remains a virgin until marriage more likely to find a wonderful, sexually fulfilling husband (not that the Chinese government wants that), or a guy who is just interested in conquering a virgin, then will run off to start the cheating? Or something else?

Anyway, that's all beside the point-- check out the closing paragraph of the article, which will only further confuse you:

Now Shen Fan has a new boyfriend, but she has not told her parents, because he cannot meet her parents' standards for a prospective son-in-law. Another thing she does not want to let her parents know is that they had sex. Shen Fan said she tries to avoid wearing warm-colored clothes because that makes her feel less guilty.

Wait-- this is a story about chastity that ends with an unlocking of the chastity belt? Perhaps the writer had trouble finding any Chinese teenagers that were still virgins.

Meanwhile, the chastity and abstinence movement rolls on, further ignoring the statistics that say the program is only backfiring...

Via Danwei.

A Case of Mistaken Hard Lemonade

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Christopher Ratte, a University of Michigan professor, ordered a lemonade at a baseball game, removed the cap and handed it to his seven-year-old son. When a guard saw the boy drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade, police were called in and the boy was removed from the stadium (by ambulance) and his parents' custody.

Ratte claims he had no idea the lemonade contained alcohol and that he'd never heard of Mike's.

We believe him. Because, for one, who would be that stupid to let his kid drink alcohol in public? He would have, at the very least, done what our parents did and disguised the booze in a baby bottle..then a Sesame Street sippy cup...then a My Little Pony thermos.... (just joking, Mom wasn't sneaking us booze until we were at least 14!).

Even though doctors found no trace of alcohol in the boy's system, he was placed in foster care for two days while Ratte was all but forced to watch bad television just so he could catch a Mike's commercial. Because, you know, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Or some shit.

[Don't Tase Me, Bro! via BoingBoing]

[Image]

Seven-Year-Old Kind Of Ruins Sex Chair For Parents

Bryan Christian — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 16:23:00 GMT

illustration by David Chelsea for the New York Times

Poor Lori Jakiela. Not only does she have to put up with a fairly grueling children's birthday party for her son ("The boys fought over who got to eat the head.") but she can't even get her rocks off on that brand new sex chair with her husband. Not since little Locklin claimed it for his own.

“Hey, mom,” he yelled. “Thanks for the cool chair.”
I was horrified. The chair had lived up to the ads. It looked almost normal. Funky, oddly shaped, but it did blend in. If you didn’t know what it was.
When I went downstairs, Locklin was straddling the Esse. A platoon of little plastic army guys was lined up along the curves, like an invading force on a ridge. He was holding one of the bigger army guys and making gunshot noises and yelling, “Let’s go, let’s go” and, “Look out!” and, “Aaaarrrrgh!”

Yeah, if our kid were found on a sex chair saying pretty much the same things she was hoping to, we'd have a hard time recovering from that too.

LINK: NYTimes.com: The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived