Scanner : parents

Sloppy Seconds: Free Viagra!

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Spring Awakening—the musical that made more than $57 million in the United States and made anyone who went to see it with his or her parents very uncomfortable—is closing in London after only five months. [FlavorWire]

Um, what kind of high school lets the yearbook team publish an upskirt photo? [BuzzFeed]

A new development in the Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga: Jon may not have been the only one allegedly cheating. Apparently, he had long feared that his wife was having an affair with her married bodyguard. [Us]

Ashley Olsen isn't the only woman modeling men's clothing. [AfterEllen]

Could Johnny Depp play Frank Sinatra in the movies? [Vulture]

Elizabeth Edwards will talk about her husband John's mistress, as long as no one mentions her name. [Yahoo!]

Just because you don't have a job, or health insurance, doesn't mean you shouldn't have your Viagra. Pfizer has s unveiled a new program will let people who have lost their jobs and health insurance keep taking some widely prescribed Pfizer medications—including Lipitor and Viagra—for free for up to a year. [Yahoo!]

Related:

Ashley Olsen Takes Off Men's Clothes to Sell Them

It's Not Looking Good for Jon and Kate

[Image]

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

Related:

Why Does Jamie Foxx Hate Miley Cyrus So Much?

Dr. Luchador to Anti-Homo Kid: Get Off the Internets

Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

A 12-year-old girl (now apparently 13) sued her father in 2008 for denying her permission to attend a class trip because she was grounded. According to the father, the child had been using the internet at his house after being instructed not to. He claims the girl was visiting sites he had previously blocked and possibly sharing pornographic images of herself.

This is a no-brainer, right? But this textbook example of a frivolous lawsuit not only wasn't thrown out, it's gone through one initial trial and an appeal, both of which resulted in the girl coming out ahead. How is this even possible?

Of course, there is a lot more to this story. Even the original CBC reporter who wrote extensively about the case neglected to mention the bitter (and I mean BITTER) divorce proceedings. The mother, it is alleged, heard about the grounding and decided she would pay for the trip herself, chaperone, and help the girl sue her father with the help of her mother's attorney. (Of course, you could look at it another way-- perhaps the mother was into the trip before the grounding, so the father found and excuse to mess with them.) Either way, this child is being manipulated by one or both awful parents-- and, even worse, the idiot judge let all proceed as if there were a real case here. Instead, he should have fined both parents $100,000 and taken the kid away from them. Okay, that's a little harsh, we admit-- $100,000 US is like $8 billion Canadian.

Seriously, though, check out what judicial jackass (i.e. the winning attorney) had to say about this:

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

The last resort? The last resort for us would've been for a compromise and the girl to lose internet at his house for six months but still go on the trip. Maybe. "The trip was very important to her?" Then maybe she shouldn't have used the internet after being instructed not to. For all the punishments we endured as kids, almost every one of them was because we broke a rule we knew better than to break. Tough. Shit. Girl.

The father and mother are no longer speaking, by the way. And so we move on into the 21st century, having learned so little...

Via CBC.

Too Many Cocks in the Cockpit = Lawsuit

Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

"Family Guy" Episode Pisses Off Parents (VIDEO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:30:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Family Guy has gone too far this time, guys. At least, the Parents Television Council seems to think so -- evidently, the March 8 episode had a little too much bestiality, gay orgies, and consumption of horse sperm for their tastes...

"Fox treated viewers to everything from an ‘eleven-way’ gay orgy to baby Stewie eating a bowl of cereal with horse sperm instead of milk ... if that isn’t enough, the show’s leading character is also shown fanaticizing about his wife and moaning while a horse licks his bare behind. Clearly, the explicit content was not isolated to one instance in one segment of the show; it permeated the entire program." -- PTC President Tim Winter (Live Feed)

We have three reactions to this: First, did you know the PTC was a thing? Second, is this his full time job? Because, if so, it's got to be the WORST job in the world. Presumably they don't have any power to actually regulate TV content (since, you know, we have the FCC for that), so all they can do is spend their days writing angry letters. Third, maybe we should be watching Family Guy more.

Let's take their concerns one at a time...

Read more...

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

Related:

The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Seattle Sex Shop Robbed

Do It Yourself, And Then With Yourself (Or the One You Love): Homemade Dildo Cam

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

Related:

Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

From the Archives: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

While You Were Sleeping: The Gyllenhaal Divorce

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

This week, we're blogging from a quiet beach near Clearwater, Florida... so your news will be a bit more Southern and probably a lot weirder...

The government will finally bail out the public, thanks to up to $800 billion in money being directed toward allowing for more loans to consumers. Great, just what we need, more debt.

There's nothing worse than getting busted for being involved in prostitution and having your face plastered all over the local media. Actually, we take that back: there's nothing worse than getting busted for prostitution and having your face plastered all over the world, plus admit to dating a much, much older doorman who won the lottery and buys you expensive things. Yeah, that will go over well with your childhood community overseas.

Kristen Johnston, who took it off for-- what else-- PETA. And she, uh, mounted a house for the shoot...

Cancer is on the decline in the U.S. for the first time in our history. However, some naysayers are saying that the amount of people being screened has fallen as well...

We were a little surprised to see Republican Governor Charlie Crist talking "new taxes" in the paper here yesterday. Of course, the top story today? "Gov. Charlie Crist backs off both [tackling a foreclosure freeze and a cigarette tax] after talking to representatives of the banking and tobacco industries." What a whimp.

Even some elected officials were stumped by this challenging US history and government quiz.

One Florida neighborhood's concoction of choice this Thanksgiving? The Molotov cocktail, of course.

How great does Beyonce look as Etta James?

And Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's parents are involved in a nasty divorce after 32 years of marriage. Mom is about to go bankrupt thanks to Dad not paying his share of their bills... won't someone think of the children(s' careers)?

Some unlinked stories via The St. Petersburg Times.

Related:

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Today in Cute Things Old People Say: Faxing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Mom to Scanner Emily: Did Jo fax you about my plane ticket?

Scanner Emily: Huh? Fax?

Mom: You know what I mean; on her phone.

Scanner Emily: Oh, text? Yes. She did.

Woman Steals Daughter's Identity to Become a High School Cheerleader

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 16:14:00 GMT

Talk about living vicariously through your children... a woman in Wisconsin took advantage of the fact that her 15-year-old daughter lived with her father in another state and enrolled in her local high school under her daughter's name to become a cheerleader and get a high school diploma. Wendy Brown, 33, who faces identity theft charges, apparently attended high school so she could regain the part of her childhood that she missed. Unfortunately, though, she didn't hold attending class in high enough regard and bounced a $134.50 check for her cheerleading uniform.

According to a school employee, Brown wasn't good at math and cried when talking about transferring from another high school. She played the part, but did she look it? You decide:

Brown has been arrested and if convicted she faces six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

[AP: Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader]

[Image]

Video of the Day: How Bread Was Made in the 80's

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

This is apprently how bread was made in the 80's. We're also starting to think this is how we were made in the 80's, because our mom totally would have gone for that guy (and probably still would... and maybe has... Dad?).

Today in WTF: Childbirth Orgasm Video

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:18:00 GMT

"Orgasmic birth. It will change the way you feel about childbirth... and yourself... forever."

Yes, but if we found out our Moms had done this, we might end up just a wee bit traumatized to find out. Although we should add that we're not against it or anything and we're certainly not going to stop anyone from climaxing for any reason, at any time. [Whoops! Typo fixed-- for some reason this went up before it was finished, incomplete thoughts, sentences, and missing words and all. Sorry about that! No offense intended! Snark intended, though.]

Is this trailer for a supposed documentary yuck... or yum? In any case, this video creeps us the hell out. It reminds us way too much of something produced by the Church of Scientology, know what we mean? Not the act of it-- the video makes the act seem weirder than it is.

Strollerderby has a similar reaction: not against the act, certainly it's a little on the stranger side of the life, but totally weirded out by the clip.

[B]efore you say, "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," let me be the first to tell you that trying it isn't an issue, because it'll never happen.

You tell me what the creepy factor is. For me, on a scale of one to ten, this is an eleven. But maybe I'm just uptight.

Reader reaction was divided, mostly in favor of the practice:

1) No, you're uptight.

2) The concept isn't creepy. The background music is. Eew.

Our sentiments exactly. One day, someone is bound to make a video about childbirth orgasms that one doesn't constantly expect a laughing and smirking Tom Cruise to come popping out of.

More on this war of words, via Strollerderby.

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:29:00 GMT

As George Bernard Shaw so famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." We wouldn't have believed it when we were kids, because we wanted nothing more than to be grown ups who could do whatever we wanted. Guess what? Doing whatever we want sometimes sucks, especially when doing whatever we want involves not paying our bills on time or going three years without a visit to the dentist.

Ah, what we wouldn't give now for a strict bed time and some fish sticks — two of the Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults.

10. Going to summer camp.

Is there anything more exciting for a kid than going away to summer camp for the first time? For most kids, it's the first time they spend extended periods away from their parents and for us, it was when we learned the most about ourselves as young people. Luckily, we still go back as counselors (yes, Scanner Emily is quite possibly the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world) every summer and run the journalism department at a camp for the fine and technical arts. We have to hold on to our youth somehow, right?

9. Eating fish sticks for dinner, and that being okay.

How can anyone not love fish sticks? They're like fish 'n chips minus the chips and the sexy British accent. Sure, they come from the freezer section, but they're fucking delicious. All that breading would probably make us fat if we consumed as many as we did when we were kids, though. And you'd probably laugh at us.

8. Going to bed at 8:30.

We can only dream of going to bed at 8:30 when we finally go to bed at 3 a.m. after getting most — but not all — of our work done for the day.

7. Going to the doctor and never seeing a bill.

We used to think the doctor took care of us because he wanted us to get better, not because he wanted a new car. Now we have to truly believe we're on our death bed or be absolutely certain a bone is broken before we'd even consider getting within 500 feet of a medical professional, lest we want to default on our student loans (which brings us to an honorable mention: free school).

6. Picking our noses.

Sometimes there's just one you have to get. Definitely loses all charm when an adult does it.

5. Being applauded for everything.

When was the last time someone clapped when you pooped in the toilet?

4. Bursting into tears when we don't get what we want.

Not that we haven't cried over unrequited love, lost apartments or plane tickets that doubled in price over night, forcing us to cancel our vacations, but it's not the same when Dad isn't there to comfort us and give us our first lesson in personal finance while explaining that he just doesn't have the money for that Shetland pony we were so, so in love with.

3. Running around the yard naked.

Not only would this require a yard, it would require us to have the self confidence to actually run while naked. There are so many things wrong with that picture we won't even begin to go there.

2. Believing our parents are immortal.

1. Asking random boys to show us their penises.

The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" line only works until about 11. Then you're expected to do more. But we could have saved ourselves a lot of disappointment in our teens and early twenties had we been able to check out the goods before committing to any physical contact.

And You Think Your In-Laws Are Bad?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Imagine for a moment that your in-laws are such terrible people you have to file a case against them for violence. Then imagine you go to file said complaint only to find out your in-laws have gone to extreme measures to make sure the complaint won't really matter.

A woman in India went to do just that — file a case against her husband's family because they were violent — only to find out that her husband's brother, a lawyer, had forged a divorce for the couple ten years earlier.

Meena Verma, a mother of two children, tried to file a case against her in-laws for violence, only to be told by a court in Haryana state that she had been divorced for a decade...

"It seems the divorce was doctored to defeat Meena's possible complaint," he said. The couple filed a petition accusing Virender's brother, Surinder Verma, and four associates, of forgery. Surinder denied the accusation.

Doesn't that kind-of make you want to give your bewhiskered, over-bearing mother-in-law a big hug and kiss? No? Didn't think so, but we thought we'd ask, anyway.

[Reuters: Couple "divorced without knowledge"]

Sloppy Seconds: And You Thought You Wouldn't Live to See a Gay Space Wedding

Emily Farris — Mon, 19 May 2008 22:12:00 GMT

Janet-Miss-Jackson-if-You're-Nasty is planning her first tour in seven years. [Yahoo!]

So sad: Two Indian women were found dead after torching their home to end their "unusual relationship." [Queerty]

If a fake pregnancy happens in a forrest and everyone knows it's fake, is it really a fake pregnancy? Huh? What did we just ask? Anyway... [Fafarrazi]

This woman wants a penis, though we don't think this is the best way to go about getting one. Unless giving her one will make it stop? [YouTube]

Is it us or has Jessica Alba been pregnant FOREVER? Anyway, when she finally does pop out that baby, she plans on being a "tough mother." [People]

Star Trek star George Takei will take advantage of California's new gay marriage law. We're guessing it won't be a Star-Trek-themed gay wedding, which disappoints us a little, but we're happy for the guy, anyway. [Us]

Sloppy Seconds: Spitzer's Lady Friend Can Rock Your World, Too

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse's dad almost, kind-of, sort-of claims to be responsible for his daughter's problems. But then doesn't. It's not like he put the crack in her beehive.

While some of our old friends from Nickelodeon have made the voyage into adulthood with us (Christine Tayor and that guy from "Salute Your Shorts" who's now in Rilo Kiley), we still get nostalgic for old-school Nickeloden, like "Hey Dude" and "Clarissa Explains it All." And so does Netorama. But what about "You Can't Say that on Television?"

Like Jamie Lynn Spears and Britney before her, crazy flying prehistoric animals had teenage sex, too.

Ashely "Kristen" Alexandra Dupree can now rock your world. Her songs, available for download, now hold the first and second spots for digital music downloads today.

"The Joy of Sex" Redux

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:51:00 GMT

Whose parents didn't have "The Joy of Sex" stashed somewhere in the house? And who here didn't flip through it as a kid and feel a little funny down there? Now a whole new generation of children can someday feel the same way when they find the new edition, set to come out this year, in your not-so-secret hiding place.

[Fleshbot: Books, The Joy of Sex]

Hey Mom, Can I Borrow Your Lube? Mine's All Dried Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 15:12:00 GMT

We were always surprised at how easily a whole town of dorky parents turned into swingers in that movie "The Ice Storm," but apparently that's because we're prudes -- "we" being Generation X (and we, being "I", being 25, didn't even know we qualified as Generation X). According to this article, people born between 1965 and 1985 have significantly fewer sexual partners than those who came before and after us. And we're the "least industrious lovers." Is this why dudes run the other way after we pull out The Shocker?

Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:30:00 GMT

For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa:

Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could."

That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.

Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas