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Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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Pat Smeared: Pray for the Swayz

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:23:00 GMT

Not much to say about Patrick Swayze looking so gaunt and ill, other than: Sadness!

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Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama Drops the F-Bomb

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Christian Bale is really sorry for his "inexcusable" tirade on the Terminator Salvation set. [People]

Bob Guccione, Jr. thinks there's no danger in porn any more ("It's such a drag now to get sent a link of people eating each other."). But he thinks we can get that danger and erotocism back through art! [BigThink]

We generally don't like celebrity memoirs, but we'll probably read Patrick Swayze's just because we want to hear the story about how Johnny and Baby didn't really like each other off camera. [Yahoo!]

Bret Michaels would totally put a baby in Jennifer Aniston. [Us]

Apparently Eliot Spitzer's sexy time with prostitutes wasn't so sexy after all. In fact, he sounds like he was an asshole in the sack. According to Kristin Davis he...

• was "good for a call at least once a week" from 2004 to 2006
• meant "thousands of dollars of steady income for me and my ladies"
• "was getting rough and too aggressive with the girls — repeatedly pressuring them to do things they didn't want to do"
• "tended to obsess about a girl, would want to see her every day and was pushy and whiny with her"
• "didn't want to use a condom, and "he'd be a real weasel about it, too" [DailyIntel]

Want to hear Barack Obama say "ignorant mother fuckers?" Then click here. Context here.

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

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[Image]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Colleen Kane — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Patrick Swayze, who has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, revealed to Barbara Walters in his first post-diagnosis TV interview that he likely has only have two years to live, and five years is "wishful thinking."

And so it's time for everyone to get together like the citizens of Whoville and think good thoughts together for the Swayz. For inspiration, let's recall the many looks of Swayze.

Horse-huggin' hunk

Pensive

Pensive with hay

Laughing times with leopard

So you can see why he appeals to tha layties who grew up in the 80s (and older). He was a walking Tiger Beat page. But dudes should not forget his throat-tearing-out move in Roadhouse and the fact that in real life he is basically trying to walk off his cancer by working without painkillers. Y'all should be so manly.

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Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

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Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:47:00 GMT

Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

Soulja Boy has gone on record saying that "Supermanning a Ho" is not something that one can actually do. We know better. [Vulture]

Is giving him money and electing him not enough? Barack Obama is never going to stop asking us for money, is he? At least if we do it now, we get a snazzy scarf. [Barack Obama]

OMG! Chuck and Vanessa were totes caught kissing at the Dallas airport. Sorry, that's Gossip Girl talk. [Us]

Brad Pitt says he'll let his kids decide whether or not he and Agelina Jolie should get married. Srsly? (Sorry, more Gossip Girl talk). [People]

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned an inflatable-breast giveaway promotion with their January issue, but the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea! [YBNBY]

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:49:00 GMT

40. American Beauty. American Beauty-- this was a big movie, right? We seem to recall some sort of Academy Award being handed out? Yes, many people would like to forget this was so critically, commercially, and awarded-ly lauded in the late 1990s... for good reason. This Kevin Spacey-led comic melodrama did not age well. At all. But parts of the movie escape unscathed: was the incredible art direction, cinematography, and Chris Cooper's terrifying performance as a self-hating homosexual and the psycho next door. His kiss with Kevin Spacey is still a delight to watch, even with the shock worn off after nine years.

39. Law of Desire. From AfterElton: "This was the first Almodovar film to really make a huge international splash, and while reviews were mostly good, it's only now, 20 years later, that the plea at its heart, for everyone to be themselves and specifically against living a sexually closeted existence, stands out most clearly. It's also notable for a very sexually explicit performance by Banderas, which contrasts sharply with his sexless characterization of Tom Hanks' lover in Philadelphia, an American film released six years later."

38. 10. There are so many romantic and sexy moments in Blake Edwards' classic rom-com "10" that every scene is sure to be somebody's favorite. Ours? Nope, not the slow-mo beach run to make you forget Ursula Andress. Nope, not the first sex scene. We prefer this one (click here for the YouTube video clip.) Who knew Dudley Moore was such a major playa?

37. Tristan + Isolde. This summary, via Kids In Mind, makes this PG-13 movie sound a lot racier than it really is: "A young woman takes off her clothes off... giving body heat to an unconscious and wounded young man; another woman does the same, they hold him from either side and press against his body (bare backs, shoulders and legs are visible)." Did we mention James Franco and Rufus Sewell are in it? We might just find ourselves going gay if those two ever did a sequel to Brokeback Mountain.

36. From Here To Eternity. There was a time when this was risque, so since risque romanticisim = sexy, we'll go with this for #36. A great, surprising, and deeply moving film that landed Frank Sinatra a well-deserved Oscar and jump-started his failing career. Ol' Blue Eyes? Now that's sexy...

35. Don Juan DeMarco. See above photo of Johnny Depp for an explanation as to why this film, about the fictional lover Don Juan's re-emergence into, first, a psychiatrist's office and later, into his love life.

34. Rear Window. Sometimes, it only takes one scene to make a movie incredibly sexy overall-- in this case, one kiss. The kiss carries itself throughout Alfred Hitchock's Rear Window's two hours of suspense, murder, and paranoia. Not to be missed, under any circumstances.

33. Dirty Dancing. There was a time when "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" was considered a great tune, when Jennifer Grey was sexy and had yet to have a career-ending nose job, and Patrick Swayze was the biggest movie star in the world... if only for a couple of weeks. Relive those moments with this sequence, the one we all remember.

32. My Own Private Idaho. Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix play gay prostitutes in Gus Van Sandt's surreal (to put it politely) adaptation of Henry IV, Part 1. According to Wikipedia Van Sandt "decided to send the script to the agents of Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix, figuring that their agents would reject the script. However, Reeves' agent was amenable to the project, but Phoenix's agent wouldn't even show the screenplay to the young actor. Not to be deterred, Van Sant got the idea for Reeves to personally deliver the film's treatment to Phoenix at his home in Florida. Reeves did so over the Christmas holidays, riding his 1974 Norton Commando motorcycle from his family home in Canada to the Phoenix family ranch in Micanopy, Florida, outside Gainesville." Check out our favorite scene:

31. The Blue Angel. With this film, Marlene Dietrich a) launched herself to international fame and b) more importantly, served as the basis for the best scene in Blazing Saddles. Check out her then-controversial song-and-dance number from the oldest film on our list:

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While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

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The Last Days of Chris Farley

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:30:00 GMT

"Heidi was hired for Farley by a friend for $2,000. She joined Farley at a party in Lincoln Park (in Chicago) at 11 AM. There were drugs going around..." [Find A Death]

"The Last Days of Chris Farley," a new book due sometime this summer, with Playboy running excerpts in its May issue, and co-authored by his brother Tom, not the sibling who discovered Chris's addiction-ridden body, is said to be the definitive bio of the late funnyman. Among the many great quotes we've found that detail a tragic finish to a great life and career...

David Spade: "I got a lot of shit at the end about 'Why weren't you there for him?' But being that close, I dealt with it all the time. And in that situation, before the guy's dead, he's just kind of an asshole. Truth is, you get a junkie who's wasted all the time and moody and angry and trying to knock you around, you say, 'OK, you go do that, and I'll be over here.' " [via IMDB and Defamer]

Heidi the hooker: "Chris claimed he’d been up for 4 days, without sleep. They tried to have sex, but Chris couldn’t. Cut to 11 PM – Chris and Heidi were back at his apartment in the Hancock building. She was getting pissed off because she wanted to get paid, and Chris claimed that the friend was supposed to pay her. They supposedly tried sex again, unsuccessfully, and finally at 3am she decided to take off. Farley was clearly inebriated, and as she was leaving his apartment, he collapsed about 10 feet from the door.

"Heidi claimed she could hear that he was having difficulty breathing. He said to her, 'Don't leave me.' Figuring he had finally passed out, she snapped a photograph of him lying there and then left."

What a terrible way to go, with your unused hooker taking a picture of your corpse for her photo album. (The photo of his dead body is available on line, but we're not about to include that here. We're not TMZ or some other awful institution.)

We'd prefer to think of him not in that way but as Newt Gingrich... or, better yet, as Chris Farley, Master Pickup Artist...