Scanner : pete wentz

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

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Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his PENIS) on the Verge of Falling Out?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were bemoaning the fact that we have to pay higher rates for car insurance because we're unmarried. According to the woman who helped us, insurance companies believe that married people are more responsible. We countered that we are, in fact, more responsible for not jumping into marriage in our early twenties and that we should be rewarded for taking the time to get to know ourselves, and what we want out of life, before starting a life with someone who may or may not be right for us. Unlike Ashlee Simpson, we didn't marry the first guy with a huge penis and guy liner who knocked us up. But because she did, she probably pays less for car insurance. But will her rates go up again when she divorces Pete Wentz and his penis? Because it's looking like things are headed that way.

Yesterday, the New York Post claimed the young couple's marriage just isn't working, and today the Chicago Sun-Times reports that friends of Simpson and Wentz think she is unhappy and he is bored.

Says one "friend": ”Ashlee thinks Pete doesn’t pay her enough attention and is out partying too much. He needs to work on their marriage more.”

Another says: ”Ashlee is feeling a bit neglected [by Pete] in recent weeks… Pete does seem kind of bored lately, and he doesn’t talk about Ashlee like he used to. The gushing has stopped.”

Here's hoping the kids work it out. We sort-of like them together.

[Faded Youth: PETE AND ASHLEE: FALL OUT COUPLE]

Related:

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz Has His Head Pubes 'Did

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:46:00 GMT

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PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:21:00 GMT

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Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:08:00 GMT

Did you think I was capable of writing only about bearded men and Pete Wentz's penis?

So did I! But apparently that's not the case. I wrote lots and lots of words about how the sex industry is faring in the recession. You should go read it. Here's a little sample:

Even in the midst of Tuesday's joyous inaugural celebration, President Barack Obama turned from his "yes we can" refrain to a chillier "winter of our hardship" line. Pundits and politicians remind us daily that the economy is plunging. As Scanner's lead blogger, I always assumed that the only thing plunging in my vicinity would be necklines. Sex always sells, right? When the stock market collapsed in 1929, people embraced cheap thrills — boozing at speakeasies and visiting brothels — for comfort and distraction. People still hire Scarlett Johansson's breasts to appear in films. Axe Body Spray ads continue to evolve.

But then a struggling alternative weekly turned down my pitch for a sex-advice column. The bunnies Hugh Hefner hasn't fired are fleeing to magicians' hats. I wondered gloomily if Larry Flynt was right that the sex industry was no longer recession-proof.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt said earlier this month in a press release. In an age when two (or more!) equally broke parties can have free, legal casual encounters thanks to Craigslist and other online personals sites, are people still willing to spend what little money they have on sex?

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Bye-Bye Bunnies: Playboy Hops Away From NYC

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz's Penis' New Starring Role

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

If you'd like to put all of your personal records and medical history online you should totally use Google Health. [Google Health]

Just in case you didn't catch it the first few times, we're Twittering now. Reluctantly. [Twitter]

More details on yesterday's US Airways plane crash. [City Room]

Kimora Lee ~~Simmons~~ is making more ~~brats~~ babies. [Faded Youth]

Is Tracy Morgan ever out of character? We think not. [PageSix]

Pete Wentz and his penis, er, we mean his wife, will guest star on CSI:NY. [Us]

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Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

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Caption This: Every Time Pete Wentz Shops an Angel Gets Its Penis

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

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Scanner's Man of the Year: Pete Wentz (And His Penis)

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:45:00 GMT

Dear Pete Wentz,

Pete, Pete, Pete.

When we were first introduced to you as Ashlee Simpson's maybe baby daddy, we only knew you as that kid in the emo band who wore eyeliner—we had no idea what that band of yours was called or what you played (okay we sill don't know.... bass?). Who knew we'd get to know you so, so, so much better over the course of a few short months. But let's be honest here: had it not been for your penis, we'd hardly know you at all.

It's true, you may be a little dumb. And boring. But you were smart (or stupid?) enough to leak your own cell phone penis pictures, therefore making people who would otherwise never even know your name obsess over your penis.

For 18 weeks running—basically ever since we first made mention of your penis—you (okay, your penis)—has been among our top searched terms here at Scanner. In fact, when one Googles "Pete Wentz Penis" our site is the first to pop up. Hell, when one Google's "Scanner" we don't even appear until pages later. So, really Pete, we owe a lot to your penis.

For that, you are our Man of the Year.

Congratulations.

And we're sorry.

Related:

What Pete Wentz Has to Say About Those Penis Pictures

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz (<---Penis Pictures!)

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Today in Obvious: Pete Wentz is Dumb, Nice

Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

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Today in Obvious: Pete Wentz is Dumb, Nice

Colleen Kane — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:25:00 GMT

He seems like a decent guy and all, but we've seen his tool, and it ain't the sharpest in the shed. Pete was profiled in the latest Details, giving us more evidence to back up that claim.

Pete calls wife Ashlee Simpson's pregnancy "a happy accident," and said he didn't believe she was preggs until she sent him the ultrasound. This is a baby they named Bronx Mowgli, lest we forget.

Peter says the leaking of his peter photos, or "Penisgate," actually brought him closer together with Ashlee. "She just called me up and made me feel a lot better."

This quote is darling, though: "When me and Ashlee are on the red carpet together, I'm like her purse."

He also had this to say about groupies: "It's like if a cow put itself between a pair of buns."

(?)

Godspeed to you, young Bronx Mowgli. Pay attention in school when you're not being mocked mercilessly.

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Photo: Details

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:04:00 GMT

It was. Then it wasn't. Now the Arrested Development movie might actually be happening. Maybe. Hopefully. [Vulture]

One thing we do know for sure is that Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State. If the New York Times says it's true, it must be. Right? [NYT]

Good news or bad news? Doctors go into your head to remove a brain tumor and find a worm. [SNAFU-ed]

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his penis!) named their baby Bronx Mowgli. What? The? Fuck? Is that supposed to be punk rock or something? Also, this begs the question: what do they call his penis? [Yahoo!]

What Pete Wentz Has to Say About Those Penis Pictures

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Pete Wentz recently opened up to Elle magazine about those penis photos that were so famously leaked on the Interwebs last year. What's his only regret?

He wishes he would have done a little more manscaping.

Elle: Like millions of others, I’ve seen these photos. But if a picture of your penis is going to get leaked online, you could do much worse than yours.

Pete: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. But at the time, I wanted to find a cave and hang out there for the rest of my life and be a cave painter and eat dirt.

Elle: I don’t want you to think I lingered on the photo, but I did notice that you looked groomed down there.

Pete: The manscaping? Honestly, I felt slightly overgrown in those pictures. If I had taken them for public consumption, I would have done it differently - groomed a little closer, better lighting.

Oh, Pete. The public consumed them just fine. Juuuuuuust fine.

Related:

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Tuesday night was a very special night for us all. But the fact that Joe Biden is the vice-president elect is extra special for Pete Wentz and his giant penis.

Wentz's parents met working on a Biden campaign way back when.

"I would not be standing here actually in reality at all because my parents met working for Biden," he said. "They met on (a long-ago) campaign, so they have this particular affection for Joe. He came to their wedding. If it weren't for Joe Biden, I would not exist as a human being."

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Help! The Giant Penis Man Needs You!

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Penis Eating Fish Plague Australian Harbor

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:09:00 GMT

With word that Candace Bushnell will pen a novel telling the story of Carrie Bradshaw before she starting having sex in the city, people are already buzzing about who would play a young Bradshaw in the movie version. Can you guess who? [Yahoo!]

Who knew Bridget Jones had such influence over British families? [Jezebel]

Helen Koss, championed women's rights in Maryland and was the first female committee chairperson in the Maryland General Assembly's House of Delegates died of lung cancer at the age of 86. [Washington Post]

Do you want to put your warm apple pie in our mouth? No, really. We're judging an apple pie contest October 19th, and if you live in New York, you should enter. [Greenpointers]

Pete Wentz followed in the footsteps of Brad Pitt and Steven Spielberg by donating money to the campaign to keep same-sex marriages legal in California. [Faded Youth]

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Ashlee and Pete Finally Come Clean on Pregnancy Rumors

Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:45:00 GMT

Celebrity Headline of the AM: "What can't Ashton do?" Nope, we didn't read the story.

Non-Celebrity Headline of the Day: New Zealand Airline seeks bald men to use as walking billboards

The Daily Mail has discovered the best way to make someone fall in love with you: take them on a rollercoaster rid e.

Usher is going to have another baby! Well, Tameka Foster is, but who wants to read about her, right? Usher's having a baby...!

Pete Wentz (AND HIS LARGE PENIS) are fessing up about all the drugs (penis!) and alcohol.

Natasha Bedingfield is engaged. Believe it or not, this was a top story on every news site this morning.

And is it a sign that mainstream will start to go independent instead of the other way around? Sonic Youth confirms they are signing with Matador Records.

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

UPDATE: A Plethora of Penis Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Our post on the Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History was met with some resistance-- where are all the penis pics? you asked.

They're all below... along with the sex scene from Tampopo, too, which we debated making #5 in our Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food...

Related:

Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: No More Penis Pumps

Victoria Beckham is Proud of David's "25-Foot Penis," And Rightfully So

Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Pop quiz, kid... whose dick is this movie star talking about:

"He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock..."

The answer, according to today's Frisky story Seven Famous Penises in History, is, of course, Frank Sinatra...

1. John Holmes... like some Madonna-lovin' the mufucka, he's diggin' tunnels...

2. Napoleon... he had a complex for a reason, people...

3. John Wayne Bobbitt... who really doesn't wanna be here...

4. David by Michelangelo... the most viewed penis... even more so than Pete Wentz's!

5. Sinatra... who, if he'd done nothing else, would have at least got to be the subject of Ava Gardner's greatest quote...

6. The Minister in "The Little Mermaid"... with his animated boner. Thanks, Disney!

7. Rasputin... maybe they couldn't kill him because of his superhuman dong...

We'd like to add three more to make it an even Top 10:

Milton Berle - a lot of people today don't remember Uncle Milty... unless they remember the name as a euphemism for something large and dangling...

Dirk Diggler - we'd have put Marky Mark, but he was wearing a prosthetic schlong in Boogie Nights...

Michael Jackson - Jacko's Johnson apparently has spots all over it that only a molested boy would know... so why did no one believe this kid when he described them exactly in a court appearance?

Oh, and one more: Jimi Hendrix and his ~~little wing~~ big thing:

Anyway, you can read the full 7 previously mentioned, with amusing stories about each, at The Frisky.

Related:

Artist's Penis Commits World's Largest Indecent Exposure

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

You Asked for a Penis Poll, You Got It

Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is That a Hot Dog in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Us?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:35:00 GMT

Because we're happy to see you, too...

Oh, sorry. We were actually talking to the hot dog. We're really excited to see the hot dog. Aren't you? That's why we'll keep this highs and lows business short this short week.

Highs:

We began our countdown of the 50 sexiest albums you must own (50-41, 40-31, 30-21, 20-11)

We learned why our areolas are so pale.

We learned that sex is really good for you. And can even save your life.

Lows:

We crushed on Pete Wentz (and his huge penis!).

We let ourselves get involved in a celebrity clusterfuck.

We finally found one part of our body we never want to get tattooed.

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:19:00 GMT

We know, we know.

A few short months ago we didn't even know what band Pete Wentz played in — we just thought he was that guy with the eyeliner who knocked up Ashlee Simpson. But what if we told you he makes out with boys and has a huge penis?

Wentz recently talked to Out magazine about what the media perceives as his sexual ambiguity and how he doesn't really give a fuck what you think. Which is hot, right?

He doesn’t seem to think he has much to prove to Out, and I ask a lot of follow-up questions. Wentz answers them all, even when he’s not sure I’ll like the answers. “When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that,” he admits. “And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was.” He thinks the first time he kissed a guy was when he was 16 or 17, probably on a dare at a party: “Like, ‘You make out with this dude and we’ll make out.’ ” And of later experiments, at 18 or 19, he says it was more like, “I’m going to try this thing.” And most recently? He actually apologizes before responding. “A long time ago,” he says with a slight wince. “Probably when I was 22?”...

He has no qualms talking about his attraction to men (including a big, stupid crush on John Mayer), which still puts him on a very short list of famous young male musicians and actors who haven’t been convinced that confession is in and of itself a career killer. But as he said in The Advocate in 2007, the stopping point truly does come when the action strays below the belt. “It’s really about the equipment,” he tells me, gesturing at his crotch with a grimace. (Decide for yourself: The first unfiltered hit for an image search on Wentz’s name still yields the shots he took of his equipment in hand, which leaked from his Sidekick in 2006.) “I really don’t think it’s an attractive quality. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t even like my own. Like, I really don’t like it. I don’t like anything about it.”...

“Our culture bombards us with this idea that you’re not that, and if you are that, there’s something wrong with you, and then we’re going to call you that, and then it’s an insult,” he says. “There is a sense of self-empowerment or recapturing who you are by people calling you ‘fag,’ and being like, ‘Yeah, I am a fag.’ Even though you’re not. What does somebody respond? That dude has nothing to say about that again.” He stops, and this time he is at least a little worried for his own rep. “Am I going to catch flak for saying ‘fag’ in a magazine?” (Only when we put it on the cover, Pete.)

Oh, right and the huge penis thing.

Unfortunately, the said penis pictures have disappeared from their original home. But we swear they were here about a month ago. Good thing we grabbed them when we did.

And for that (we'll let you guess which "that" we're talking about), Pete Wentz is our Crush of the Week.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:13:00 GMT

Chris Kattan (who we always thought was gay, but apparently that was just Mango?), married a model named Sunshine Tutt. [Yahoo!]

What's worse? The fact that Matt Lauer almost accidentally said "Obama bin Laden" or the fact that we got an email about it? [Red Lasso]

Is either worse than Fox News showing footage of a dead model's body? [Huffington Post]

Call Pete Wentz (and his eyeliner) a homo if you want. He can take it. [Jossip]

We used to be sad about the fact that we were a little young to relate to the Brat Pack way back when. But now that Molly Ringwald's new TV role is playing the mother of two teenagers, we feel a little better about the whole thing. [GabbyBabble]

Now that Jessica Biel is blogging, what do we have on her? [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:57:00 GMT

It's official: Bill Murray is divorced. [Yahoo!]

But what if you want your kid to be gay? [Salon]

Jake Gyllenhaal moved into Reese Witherspoon's L.A. home. He could have moved into ours but he probably didn't want to deal with the bugs. [Us]

Wow, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are doing things all out of order. Aren't you supposed to get married, then get a puppy, the if you don't kill that, make a baby? [People]

This casting for the Grand Theft Auto IV movie is pretty much right on. [MollyGood]

Page Six's Richard Johnson has been slapped with a $10M lawsuit over claims he made about an alleged sex tape. [Jossip]

No, no, no! Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner say rumors that they're splitting are absolutely that: rumors. [GabbyBabble]

Ashlee and Pete Finally Come Clean on Pregnancy Rumors

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:13:00 GMT

So... is she or isn't she?

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child," they wrote on Wentz's site, friendsorenemies.com. "This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

Congrats, kids. How much liquor and tuna fish did you have to give Jess when you broke the news to her?

More on Ashlee Wentz this afternoon... Stay tuned.

[Us: Ashlee and Pete Wentz confirm pregnancy]

Sloppy Seconds: Fake Sex Ruined The Real Thing for Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:31:00 GMT

One week you're in and the next week you're out. We hope Elle said that to fashion director (and Project Runway judge) Nina Garcia when they fired her. [US Weekly]

Oh, now Ashlee Simpson's baby daddy Pete Wentz is all "I didn't knock her up." Abortion? Miscarriage? Never happened? [MTV]

Cowboys on ice! The frozen kind. We're so strangely turned on. [Netorama]

The Indonesian Tree Man (the guy who looks like a tree, for real) would like to get married now that doctors have removed four pounds of "bark" from his body. [Truemors]

More crazy Scientology videos! Crazy, if you think Scientology is fake, that is. "Let me meet a motherfucking Clear!" Huh? [MollyGood]

Fake it 'till you make it doesn't really work in sex, as far as Robert Downy Jr. is concerned. At least that's why he claims a relationship with his Two Girls and a Guy (1998) co-star Heather Graham never materialized: too much fake sex made the real thing impossible. [Star Pulse]

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Is our little sister the only little sister that's not knocked up?

FameCrawler has confirmed (via US Weekly) that Ashlee Simpson has, indeed, been knocked up by her boyfriend turned fiance (we wonder why), Pete Wentz.

Ashlee Simpson is expecting her first child with fiance Pete Wentz. Simpson, 23, and Wentz, 28, just announced their engagement on Wednesday. There goes the "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby..." song I was going to sing at their wedding.

All exciting, indeed, but much more pressing: we didn't even know what band Wentz was in until FameCrawler went and ruined it for us. We were happy to know him only as "Ashlee Simpson's rocker ~~boyfriend~~ ~~fiance~~ baby daddy.

[FameCrawler: CONFIRMED: Ashlee Simpson is Pregnant]

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:17:00 GMT

Candi Spelling sympathized with Mommie Dearest. [Babble]

Someone translated Tom Cruise's crazy Scientologist video to German, then performed it. [MySpace]

Mischa Barton got three years probation for a DUI. [MTV]

Robert Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) was arrested for domestic battery. [People]

Jessica Simpson decided to be super happy about little sister Ashlee's engagement to Pete Wentz. [US Weekly]

We briefly mistook Clay Aiken for Katie Couric. Sorry, Katie! [GabbyBabble]

Miley Cyrus went to the dentist. Some say veneers, we say bleaching. [OhNoTheyDidnt]

We, apparently, got really old. [Engadget]

CBS canceled a reality show we never would have watched, anyway, "Secret Talents of the Stars." [NYT]

Scary skinny Terri Hatcher performed a Carrie Underwood song on American Idol. If she weren't Terri Hatcher we might have thought it wasn't half bad.

Image via

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

A Baltimore teacher was attacked by her student as a classroom full of "Lean On Me" extra wannabes cheered the student on, while another student filmed the assualt on a cell phone. Apparently, the teacher missed Season 4 of "The Wire," with its explicit lesson: "Never move to Baltimore." (See the YouTube video here.)

Hugh Hefner's "The Girls Next Door" makes us believe in Heaven. Check out this totally awesome gif.

A wacky attention-starved Swedish professor thinks wearing a bra can cause saggy boobs. Wait-- he's advocating going braless? Oh, then he's a genius, no question.

Apparently people will get naked for no reason at all these days: somebody in Vienna is going to fill a football field full of 2,008 naked people. Really, you can get away with anything if you mumble long enough about "art" and "having a girlfriend, so I'm not going to look."

And woman on Facebook claims her group "I need sex" got her laid by 50 men. Only fifty men? With a name like that, you'd have to be uglier than Ashlee Simpson (the newly engaged Ashlee Simpson, by the way) not to get double that.

Thanks Tiffany and Paddy for the links!