Scanner : phone sex

Today in Fetishes: Early 90s Slang

Colleen Kane — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Okay, for once an odd fetish, revealed in the following phone sex prank, isn't real: early '90s slang. But it's only not real in the specific case of this video, which was made with LOLs in mind. In all likelihood, a fetish for early '90s slang probably does exist. Wiggety wack!

Watch Phone Sex Pranks: Early 90s Slang on CollegeHumor

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

Dita Von Teese's Regrettable Tattoo Ideas

Sloppy Seconds: Michelle Obama Does the Unthinkable

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:41:00 GMT

MSNBC has finally discovered fuck buddies. And that college students have them. [MSNBC]

Will items off of the Chipotle value menu have fewer calories? We sure hope so. [Yahoo!]

We always wonder why people who spend lots of money to have signs, boxes, etc. printed don't get copy editors. An Oregon company probably could have used one before printing a phone sex number on their cereal box. [Google/AP]

Starting next month, same-sex couples can be legally married in Sweden. [BBC]

More "celebrities" blogging about their relationship woes. Meh. [People]

Madonna is already celebrating the adoption of a child she has not yet officially adopted. [Us]

A man in China swallowed a pair of scissors. And survived! [Telegraph]

For the first time in 57 years, the Queen of England publicly hugged someone (sort-of). And that someone was Michelle Obama. And then Obama hugged the Queen back (sort-of)! Apparently, this is a big deal. [DailyMail]

Related:

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

"American Idol" Has Porno Problems

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:37:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: There's a very funny little telephone complication caused by Idol taking Anoop Desai as its 13th finalist...

You see, when American Idol asks viewers to vote for finalists, they generally have them call one of twelve numbers, which range from 1-866-436-5701 to 1-866-436-5712. Pretty straightforward stuff. Except now the show's got 13 finalists. And it doesn't own the number 1-866-436-5713.

Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Joaquin Phoenix's "final" acting performance has been getting rapturous reviews, especially from critics who actually believe his recent publicity stunts are real. One writer, however, noted that it would be impossible to watch Phoenix's Letterman appearance back-to-back with the new film Two Lovers and not think he's faking the rap career.

However, the largely negative reactions to Phoenix's new music and public persona have turned people off of Two Lovers, and so producers are hoping Gwyneth Paltrow can sell the movie, in which she co-stars. To do so, they've leaked a phone sex scene in which Paltrow flashes a boob at Phoenix from a window.

It's only about thirty seconds long, but this is the hottest Paltrow has been since Shakespeare in Love. (By the way, numerous idiotic websites claim this is her first topless scene-- they aren't even close. See below.)

Here are some highlights from her past work... that food travel show not included... har har.

Flesh and Bone

Shakespeare in Love

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle

Related:

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Apparently, Olga Kurylenko Would Rather Be Naked Than...

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees, Free & Uncensored

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:57:00 GMT

Your daily dummmy: guy who tried to pay for a lap dance with a bag of coke. The stripper was more insulted, it seems, by the fact that stuff was only worth $20:

Tualatin police arrested a man who allegedly paid for a lap dance with $20 and a baggy of cocaine.
Police spokeswoman Jennifer Massey said officers responding to a call from a bouncer found Jose Angel Bruno Melgar outside Jiggles Tavern and he acknowledged giving cocaine to the dancer.

The 19-year-old from Cornelius has been charged with cocaine possession and lodged in the Washington County jail. Massey said Monday the cocaine has a street value of $20.

This woman is a true hero. She went to a house auction to help her son purchase a home and ended up sitting next to another woman, who was crying hysterically. Turns out the crying woman's home, now foreclosed, was up for sale. The stranger bought the woman's home for 30 big ones and handed it back to her.

Did Richard Dreyfuss just say he hated working with "fascist" Oliver Stone? Actually, that's what everyone who works with Stone says about him.

A man is in jail after for hitting a cop with a beer bottle and leading the police on a high speed chase, which ultimately led to his own tasing and arrest. The best part? Laughing it off, he told the cops he didn't give a shit, since his crime was "a misdemeanor." It need not be said he is charged with several felonies.

Shut up, Dina Lohan.

You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a robocall done by what sounds like a sex line worker.

And one Fark headline claims "Evangelicals have sex earlier-- and more of it-- than any other religious group." Read the full story in this week's New Yorker.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Ted Haggard: Busting Out of the Spiritual Restoration Center

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:46:00 GMT

It's primary day in some states, which means the phone sex lines are humming.

We'd like to think this idiot just failed in an attempt to get back at Oasis for all their pretentious snobbery, but he was probably just a drunken jackass who rushed the stage.

And you really, really need to see these photos of Anthony Bourdain in the prehistoric era known as the 1970s:

Amazing, right, that he still looks 30 years old at 16? Bourdain, ever a swell sport, writes a letter to the poster of these photographs:

Vengeance will be mine, Ruhlman. I have employed a most excellent and reputable firm of Venetian detectives who assure me that the photos of you--at the Kajagoogoo concert, 1986, will soon be in my hands.They tell me as well that that infommercial you made with Suzanne Sommers? Copies STILL exist.

My hopes for political office have been ruined, Ruhlman. And for this, you will pay a truly terrible price.

Any Jews out there? asks the town of Dothan, Alabama. No need to hide, the residents just want to talk to you... and offer you $50,000 for moving to the Bible Belt. Seriously. What could you lose?

Larry Blumberg is looking for a few good Jews to move to [Alabama.] Blumberg is chairman of an organization offering Jewish families as much as $50,000 to relocate to Dothan, an overwhelmingly Christian town of 58,000 that calls itself the Peanut Capital of the World. Get involved at Temple Emanu-El and stay at least five years, the group's leaders say, and the money doesn't have to be repaid.
More Jews are living in the South than ever — about 386,000 at last count in 2001... young Jews are leaving... in favor of cities like Atlanta and Birmingham, Rockoff said, and dozens of small-town synagogues have closed.

Basically, it's up to you. No pressure or anything.

Really, is there anything better than when Onion articles happen in real life? Then, today in Onion Come To Life: US Weekly spins off a highbrow version of its muckrag...

"Good Luck Sarah Palin" / "Death Race" were two sentences written back to back on an Alaskan movie theater marquee. Creepy...

And Minnie Driver gave birth to Henry Story Driver (she couldn't resist with the strange name, could she?) in LA. The instantly-famous little dude weighs nine pounds is infinitely cooler than us because he has a secret musician daddy, which we long ago revealed to be Eddie Izzard.

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition Part II: Bourdain vs. Colicchio

Sloppy Seconds: Teenage Jon Bon Jovi Could Help You Score an Eighth

Scanner Highs And Lows: Battle of the Sexies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:52:00 GMT

Cosmo and AskMen battled it out. Hell, we battled it out amongst ourselves.

Yep, another week down the tubes, with a couple of one night stands, penis pics, and Olympian feats of perversion along the way...

HIGHS:

Some of us kind of dug the battle of the sexes between Cosmopolitan and AskMen.com.

Girls can do the 007 thing, too, y'all.

Kafka was into porn... could Jane Austen be too far behind?

Would it have been sexist to question Hillary Clinton's sanity instead?

Hey, this is one post for guys and gals: how to get knocked up.

We celebrated the female form... and then made it compete against itself. Oh well, it's all in good fun.

Pure artistry, as only a stupid, stupid man can pull. THIS man.

Lest you think we only want to see women Olympians naked...

LOWS:

This is one predilection most women avoid sharing with men: shooting your exes.

A sculpture of a naked woman. A sculpture of a naked man. Which do you think would cause the most public outcry?

If only the media hadn't been ~~a) sexist~~ ~~b) truthful about her terrible campaign and see-right-through-it-campaign-fakery~~ c) so lazy in investigating John Edwards, Hillary "would've won."

Some dude spent seven thousand euros on phone sex during one hotel stay. That's, like, eight million dollars US!

Some men will do anything to get at their prey, even marry them.

Are pregnant ladies "offensive"? We didn't think so. So why would a pregnant lady in lingerie be offensive?

Photo via this link.

What Not to Do in a German Hotel: €7,000 of Phone Sex

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:01:00 GMT

If you're gonna get up to making extremely expensive phone sex calls, probably best not to do it from a hotel where you're staying--you gotta make those calls from grandma's house.

This German man did not get the message.

The 22-year-old man has a history of staying in hotels and calling sex phone lines day and night, but being unable to pay the bills, a police spokesman said.

A hotel worker called the police after the man, who had taken amphetamines and cannabis, admitted he could not pay the €7,197 phone bill, nor the costs of his six-night stay.

€7,197 of phone sex in six nights! We'd give money just to find out what they were talking about the whole time. Hopefully she wasn't giving him financial advice.

Related:

Ever Wondered Who's Picking up the Phone Sex Line?

Phone Sex Is Calling. Will You Answer?

Phone Sex Article in "Co-Ed Magazine" Makes Us Weep For the Children

Charity Director Busted for Paying Woman For Sex Just Doing His Job (Duh)!

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Tanning Salon Peeping Tom Gives New Meaning to the Term "Phone Sex"

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:08:00 GMT

We can't figure out which would be more exciting--taking naked pics of women at a tanning salon with your cell phone, or hiding the phone up your butt when the cops show up to bust you.

But we can probably just ask this guy.

According to the Smoking Gun:

Meet Jeffrey Barrier. The Ohio man allegedly used a cell phone camera to snap photos of a naked woman at a tanning salon Saturday and then hid the phone in his anus in a bid to thwart police.

This is why we don't tan. It's also why we stick to surveillance cameras for our sexy covert operations. (Joking!!)

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

This week, we got down with O.P.P. You remember O.P.P....

Scanner Emily is off to Vegas and will talk about all her naughty, naughy adventures uncensored.

We caught TV talking heads in mid-"O."

Angelina talked about her private sex life that's not really that private.

We told people how to find your G-spot. You're welcome.

We got nostalgic for indecent exposure.

Scanner Nicole delved deep into the sex lives of the elderly. And lived.

We showed you a baby with an extra penis. On his back.

We exposed phone sex workers for what they are. Which is... uh... phone sex workers.

We exposed uppity, meddling do-nothings who videotape lingerie shoppers.

Our guest blogger Steve rose a stink on Fark with his blasphemous assertion that Jesus-- gasp!-- had short hair.

And Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had dueling stories about our married lives in 1939 vs. today. Thank God things have changed.

Now go out and enjoy your private life... in public, if you must. We promise not to write about it.

Phone Sex Is Calling. Will You Answer?

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Yesterday we linked to a gallery on The Morning News of phone sex operators in their bedrooms. Today, we've got an extensive thread on Ask Metafilter explaining how to become a phone sex operator should you desire a new profession.

Interesting pointers abound. According to RedEmma:

you have to be perfectly okay with lying, over and over again, about who you are, where you live, what you look like, and what you're into. you will run into people that will fuck with your sense of self, and you will eventually be convinced you are talking to someone who is an abuser, though you will have no proof and no way of accusing them of anything real. you will be talking to a whole lot of men who are doing something they find kinda repulsive, and will treat you like shit. many of them are "cheating" on their wives with you. (one time, i was talking to a guy while his wife was *literally* breaking down their bathroom door.

Duly noted. Thanks for the exceptionally helpful advice. We'll cross "phone sex operator" off our emergency career list and replace it with "sell more Girl Scout cookies."

Video of the Day: Sweet Emotion (From the Vaults)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole's post today about phone sex operators reminded us of this classic Aerosmith video.

As teenagers, we were mighty turned on by this and began to understand why sex on a telephone could be kind of hot. Not that we've ever called a 900 number... or will ever do so and admit it.

Ever Wondered Who's Picking up the Phone Sex Line?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole's home away from home, The Morning News, has an amazing photo gallery of phone sex operators in their bedrooms. The pics are from Phillip Toledano's new book Phone Sex and Rosecrans Baldwin interviews the photographer about his work.

But the best part, by far? The blurbs below each photo where operators describe their jobs. According to this lovely lady:

“Gary was watching a ‘World’s Strongest Women’ show and saw a woman pick up a motorcycle.
‘Oh I could do that,’ I offered.
‘Could you?’ he responded, breathless.
‘Yes. How much do you weigh?’
‘160.’
‘Oh. I could bench-press two of you.’
‘Oh my god… I’d like to see you lift up my girlfriend’s car.’
‘What kind of car does she have?’
‘A Mazda Miata.’
‘Oh yes, I could pick up a Miata. In fact, I would love to.’
‘Really?!?!??! Oh my god! What if my girlfriend was inside?’
‘I would just pick it up, lift it to my shoulder level, and then hoist it up over my head, with your girlfriend inside. I’d slowly turn around in a circle with it held up in the air, with your girlfriend screaming in the front seat.’”

A part of me may miss getting paid for this when I move on.

Actually, so will we. This stuff is gold. We may be looking at a new career. Goodbye student loans--hello sexy phone voice.

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

It started out as a gag, a way for one anonymous man, allegedly in debt, to get back at Capitol One, but it quickly escalated into an internet sensation in Britain. The man posted the transcripts of his calls on an online forum devoted to money saving tips, where other users him on for several days. Then in March, a twist in the proceedings allowed the debtor to turn the tables on his tormentors and have the last laugh...

For the past two months, a poster under the name of "zincoxide" has been writing on the Money Saving Expert forum about his conversations with representatives of Debitas Legal Services. Debitas, which purports to be a debt collection agency although is in fact itself operated out of Capitol One, has been harassing "zincoxide" with up to 17 phone calls per day about his debt. What debt, says "Mr. X"? His card, he claims, "was used fraudulently" and he doesn't owe them a shilling. The fighting quickly turned ugly-- and off-the-wall funny, as per the below:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: 25/12/00
Debitas: Sorry
Me: 25/12/00 - I am Jesus
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: That's Ok, I forgive all sins
Debitas: Is this Mr X
Me: You are speaking to Jesus
Debitas: Urm.....(hangs up)

No two calls are ever the same, nor does Mr. X/"zincoxide" ever repeat his characters, such as the old man who has lost his hearing aid:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: I don't really want to
Debitas: If it makes you feel any better, these details are available to the public on the electoral role
Me: Great! Why don't you confirm my details there and call me back!!
Debitas: How is that confirming your identity?
Me: Speak up
Debitas: (shouting) How is that confirming your identity?!
Me: I don't need to confirm my identity - I know who I am
Debitas: You are not helping yourself and you'll learn this in the future
Me: Oh dear - are you gonna send the boys around?
Debitas: A bailiff may be sent around
Me: Oh I hope he's the rugby type - does he have a firm bum?
Debitas: Keep your mobile on Mr X (hangs up)

Sometimes Debitas tries to call him back instantly to throw him off, but X always brings his A game. In one conversation, they ask him who he is and he replies, "the burglars." When they try to catch him faking by asking him to repeat his address, he deadpans, "I don't know, but there was a window open." The idiots amazingly continue to play along with his charades on every call. (Don't miss page 5, in which X pretends to be a Debitas operator that the Debitas rep has called by accident.)

Mr. X has tormented his equally anonymous callers by badly crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; answering under the guise of the STD helpline and inquiring as to the intensity of the caller's "burning sensation"; and forcing callers to mimic his mock-flamboyant "wassssupp" before answering any of their questions (they actually comply!) For 16 of the thread's 27 webpages, the two forces duke it out call by recorded cellphone call, until one side grudgingly admits defeat:

Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment

But Mr. X would not go gently into that good night. No, at this point, he'd gone from being upset to looking forward to their harassing calls, just so he could have a few laughs. He had to have one more, lest the whole thing ended with a whimper:

I decided that I would invoice Debitas for each call & text message I received after asking them to reply by letter ONLY. I have charged then £50 per call or text message and was amazed to find that it comes to £2450!! [Ed.: Note that this is far greater than Mr. X's debt.]
[T]he invoice... [gives] them 15 days to pay - after which time they will be charged interest at 8% per MONTH and I have also informed them that I am prepared to pass the invoice to a debt collection agency should they fail to pay.

Has anyone else out there turned the tables on collection agencies, telemarketers, or just your boring old neighborhood "breather"?

Video of the Day: Kate from "Lost" Is Looking to Meet Singles Just Like You

Bryan Christian — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:56:00 GMT

No lie, guys, we are so hurting for more episodes of Lost. We've kind of always felt that way -- like, even in the worst of the third season, we'd be all like "God, I could watch this all night." Sorry, "we." Anyway, hey, we're not mentioning this just to whine or screw with our collective tenses. We're making a piss poor excuse for posting a video of Evangeline Lilly that's been on Google Video for a long time, since all the way back in... let's see, what does the video's page say... Wha? 2002? But... Google Video was invented in 2005, and Lost started in 2004... Holy shit, that guy with the timewarp theory is totally right!!!

(Ha, we kid. We don't know what the deal is with the dates, but the video's real... unless all these Diggers work for Bad Robot or something. Which when you think about it... that'd be crazy... or... would it?)

Rumor: Governor Running A Brothel Out of His Office

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:28:00 GMT

"Mm, hi sexy."

That's what you hear when you dial the office of the Governor of Maryland these days. Of course, we're not really claiming this phone company "mix-up" (isn't that always what the madam says when the vice squad busts in the door?) is in any way related to the Governor's actual business dealings, but it sure makes for great conservative fodder.

According to USA Today (America's worst and most widely read source of dumbed-down news), the Armstrong Telephone Company made a wee bit of a typo in one of their county phone books. Well, now constituents have a reason to actually care about politics. Says the Washington Post:

"Mmmm ..... ," the recorded voice on the other line says. "Hi, sexy, welcome to Erotic Innocence, where sexy young girls come to play."

Definitely not Gov. Martin O'Malley's secretary.

It turns out the 1-800 number listed for both O'Malley (D) and Lt. Gov. Anthony G. Brown (D) [has] been misprinted....

The number connects callers to a phone sex service. ($1.99 per minute, in case you were wondering.)

We were. Unfortunately, none of these stories list the actual number for Erotic Innocence/O'Malley's Brothel, but anyway, we're too busy wondering what is up with Lance Armstrong this week.

[Photo by Christopher T. Assaf, the Baltimore Sun]