Scanner : pick up school

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:15:00 GMT

And by girls we mean young ones. Or is it older women that the nine-year-old author is hoping for?

Amazon just launched a book called "How To Pick Up Girls" that thankfully isn't written by Neil Strauss. The scribe is Castle Rock, Colorado native Alec Greven, who wrote the 48 page hardcover without the help of a ghostwriter (although the prose is too pat not to have been heavily edited by Collins, the publisher.)

Among Alec's tips:

Comb your hair and don't wear sweats [sorry, Alec, we've met too many losers meeting this criteria who have scored consistently]
Control your hyperness (cut down on the sugar if you have to)

Don't act desperate [indeed, showering girls with compliments leads to them freaking out, as we found out... oh, at about age 27.]

He also warns boys (aged 1-127, we're thinking) to avoid the good-looking broads:

It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry...
The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you.

And girls, the budding writer is currently single, so if you're ~~interested in prison, global shame~~ between the ages of 8 and 11, you could do worse than this charming lil' bastard... although, as another Scanner blogger comments, how long before he goes "from darling to douchebag?"

Related:

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Canada's Greatest Lover And Seducer Is Also Its Biggest Douchebag

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

Video of the Day: Chivalry Is For Jerks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Break.com

This video is outraegous, possibly offensive, and secretly "amen"-ed by every man who comes across it on Digg, Break.com, or YouTube.

And we thought it was just us that heard this annoying rejection line all the time.

Video of the Day: What's It Gonna Be?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:13:00 GMT

What's It Gonna Be? on FunnyOrDie.com

Mike O'Connell's videos are among the rare highlights of Funny or Die, a site with lots of material that needs to fucking die. This NSFW (that designation refers to the audio only) video of the day is Mike's new music video.

Would this work on you, ladies? Expert sex blogger Girl With A One Track Mind weighs in:

How not to pick up a woman in a bar. And yes, I have met guys who've tried similar approaches; they never resulted in a shag.

Although it has to be said that if they had used the line "If you even really cared about that vagina of yours, you wouldn't leave it in the hands of an amateur" on me, the laughing it would have induced might have got me into bed.

Thanks to Girl With A One Track Mind.

This Dude is Going to Get You Laid

Emily Farris — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The man pictured here has bad skin, beady eyes, and that hair is actually a wig to cover his bald head. But he's like the Hitch of Japan, except, you know, Japanese and not a character in a terrible movie. His Pickup School for Men Who Can't Get Any teaches men how to get laid, apparently very successfully, and he says it's all based "on a proprietary 'science' he discovered after a decade of careful research."

Fuck. We know he's kind-of right on, too.

Sadly, even women know the science to picking up women. How many of us have gone out with overweight, unemployed stoners who had the right shabby-chic sneakers and perfectly balanced mix of interest and disinterest? And how many of us have known that it's because they had that perfect balance of interest and disinterest that we were drawn to them? How many of us kept going back for more?

That may be the way things happen in America all too often, but it appears the science may be a little different in Japan:

[He] learned that a few simple tricks can go a long way: Women like laughter, compliments and magic tricks. Using these concepts, he devised a proprietary "science" for picking up women that takes into consideration things like reading signals and timing.

After 10 years and 10 new wigs, he'd become so successful with women, he says, that he decided to quit his job and make dating his profession.

Among other tricks, Fujita's method involves a deck of "psychoanalytic" cards that help him determine what kind of girl he has picked up.

He's also got a bag of tricks -- literally -- that includes flaming wallets, talking ferrets and animated algae balls. Fujita asked Wired.com not to disclose anything more detailed, for fear of giving away his closely guarded trade secrets.

"This may seem ridiculous, but if you follow a specific equation, it really works," he says.

We're not sure about the ferrets and algae balls (algae balls, really?), but dudes, here's a tip our Japanese friend might have left out that will help you on any continent: for the love of God, don't wear pleated pants.

[Wired: Inside the Bizarre World of Japanese Pickup Schools]