Scanner : pickup artists

Going On a Manhunt in the 1980's...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:27:00 GMT

There are about twenty-five laugh-out-loud moments in this video for us, which are all funnier than anything Andy Samberg has done since Chris Parnell stopped making SNL parodies with him.

From Everything is Terrible and via The Frisky, your day is now complete...

1) The part where the woman appears to be touching herself while thinking about "a pint of ice cream and Dallas"

2) "A book with an usual title" and "a stuffed animal" are two conversation pieces which may even cause us to flee from Kate Beckinsale or Jennifer Connelly

3) "Your mother may have taught you that it's rude to stare." But then they have a guy stop at a park bench and leer at a woman for a full ten seconds before deciding to move on. And that's supposed to be a good example of a male prototype!

4) "You know, somebody oughta come up with a newspaper that only has good news in it." Oooh, girls, don't let this stranger talking to you on the same park bench get away, he's an American original...

What are your favorites?

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9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:15:00 GMT

And by girls we mean young ones. Or is it older women that the nine-year-old author is hoping for?

Amazon just launched a book called "How To Pick Up Girls" that thankfully isn't written by Neil Strauss. The scribe is Castle Rock, Colorado native Alec Greven, who wrote the 48 page hardcover without the help of a ghostwriter (although the prose is too pat not to have been heavily edited by Collins, the publisher.)

Among Alec's tips:

Comb your hair and don't wear sweats [sorry, Alec, we've met too many losers meeting this criteria who have scored consistently]
Control your hyperness (cut down on the sugar if you have to)

Don't act desperate [indeed, showering girls with compliments leads to them freaking out, as we found out... oh, at about age 27.]

He also warns boys (aged 1-127, we're thinking) to avoid the good-looking broads:

It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry...
The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you.

And girls, the budding writer is currently single, so if you're ~~interested in prison, global shame~~ between the ages of 8 and 11, you could do worse than this charming lil' bastard... although, as another Scanner blogger comments, how long before he goes "from darling to douchebag?"

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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Video of the Day: Chivalry Is For Jerks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Break.com

This video is outraegous, possibly offensive, and secretly "amen"-ed by every man who comes across it on Digg, Break.com, or YouTube.

And we thought it was just us that heard this annoying rejection line all the time.

Video of the Day: What's It Gonna Be?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:13:00 GMT

What's It Gonna Be? on FunnyOrDie.com

Mike O'Connell's videos are among the rare highlights of Funny or Die, a site with lots of material that needs to fucking die. This NSFW (that designation refers to the audio only) video of the day is Mike's new music video.

Would this work on you, ladies? Expert sex blogger Girl With A One Track Mind weighs in:

How not to pick up a woman in a bar. And yes, I have met guys who've tried similar approaches; they never resulted in a shag.

Although it has to be said that if they had used the line "If you even really cared about that vagina of yours, you wouldn't leave it in the hands of an amateur" on me, the laughing it would have induced might have got me into bed.

Thanks to Girl With A One Track Mind.