Scanner : police

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Desperate Living

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:24:00 GMT

Holly Madison rebounded from Hugh Hefner with... Russell Brand?

We have to agree: this or any other ad for the pill is going to piss off the stuffy-butthole-people.

A quick thinking teenage boy saved his 4-year-old sister from being kidnapped when he actually raced after and caught up to the truck she was being driven off in.

Another teenage boy, who needs to spend more time thinking, is going to jail for setting another guy's dick and balls on fire.

This is gonna be grand: Martin Scorsese is making a movie about Sinatra.

Elton John was there for Eminem in his hour of need, helping him through the painful process of rehab.

Emily mentioned this yesterday: Shanna Moakler resigned from the pageant board following yesterday's press conference on Carrie Prejean. Did you know that she was also Miss USA and a Playboy centerfold? Hmmm...

The marriage bra is... uh... useless? A major turnoff? Creepy? Stupid? All of the above and more?

Lindsay Lohan's house is in such shit shape, complete with garbage everywhere, that the police thought it had been ransacked when they responded to a tripped alarm.

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Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:54:00 GMT

A City Councilman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, is on trial this week after ordering up a "sensual massage" via Craigslist. It turned out the masseuse was a police informant and the cops raided the hotel room before the happy ending.

But check out the excuses Darren Bates offered on the stand yesterday: they're only making his situation more comical...

"If I’m getting a massage I’d rather it be a pretty woman rather than a man or a bigger woman," he said.

Bates described a "sensual massage" as one in which a woman would provide very light touching on his body, "mostly on the stomach, they sit on your back. Very light touches, with fingernails . . . it provides a tingling sensation."

The women who have performed "sensual massage" on him before wore shorts and tank tops or lingerie, he said.

Instead of a "sensual massage," Bates said he instead got public humiliation for something he said would draw more attention than any murder story in Omaha in the last 20 years.

What Bates doesn't understand, and what you should this weekend before heading over to craigslist.org in your respective areas, is that the police in this country are freaking out about Craig and his lists. The murder in Boston has them paying closer attention to the "casual encounters" and "erotic services" sections of each city's page. Be careful-- you could end up like this dumbass:

"You could just as easily go in and look for a hot young girl to rub you down?" Sedlak said.

"It’s next to impossible with my schedule. It’s easier to get on my phone," he said.

Bates testified that he went directly to erotic section of Craigslist when seeking a "masseuse."

Sedlak asked, "Erotic means of sexual nature right?"

"It means sexy," Bates said.

Bates testified that he didn’t tell the truth when he gave an interview to World-Herald columnist Michael Kelly. Bates said he told Kelly that he had never before sought a massage.

"You weren’t truthful with press back then?" asked prosecutor Shelly Sedlak.

"Correct," replied Bates.

His attorney, James Martin Davis, later asked Bates why he didn’t admit during the newspaper interview that he had received massages before.

"One, my wife was there," Bates said. "Two, the press completely obliterated everything we’d said. They’d print that and completely go crazy with it."

Via Omaha.com.

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18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

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While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

The feminist porn awards sounds like a show somebody forgot to e-mail us an invite to.

Real-life lawyers working in Second Life law-- is there anything funnier?

A woman is suing her bank for telling her husband about her secret $150K account.

Question of the day: "If Dick Cheney believes he can prove that torture saved us from terrorist attacks, why does he oppose a full investigation?"

How funny is it that a major movie studio is remaking a movie as fucked up as Videodrome?

Police broke up a drug dealing operation... run by fifth graders.

The Flaming Lips won-- their biggest single is unofficially officially the state song of Oklahoma... or something.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are finally tying the knot next month.

Felony Franks-- the world's most badass hotdog stand.

And Lindsay Lohan may be back together with that DJ girlfriend of hers.

Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

The Erin Brockovich of Private Eyes: Ordinary Citizen Almost Singlehandedly Solves Forgotten Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:26:00 GMT

Susan Galbreath has a story to tell that would make one helluva good Meryl Streep-Angelina Jolie-type Oscar-bait vehicle. You can bet they'll figure out how to screw this one up, by bringing in romance, character flaws that insult her gender, and annoying plot holes.

In an extraordinary six-page Times (UK) story, which we'll summarize below, an English reporter discusses how this extraordinarily resilient person took on ineffective law enforcement, stalkers, killers, and-- worst of all-- failing marriages over a seven-year period to finally bring a psychotic killer and his conspirators to justice...

Back in 2000, Galbreath came across the body of a nineteen-year-old girl. The woman had been raped, strangled, and raped again repeatedly after her death, then burned beyond recognition. (Her parents identified her by her jewelry and other small indicators.) The initial police investigation failed to bring about a credible suspect and the story disappeared. Galbreath didn't care about her marriage, which was failing, and her general lack of interest in work and socializing. She befriended a reporter and lured him to Kentucky to help her investigate. The two interviewed suspects and fed their information to the police, who were either working closely with the gumshoes or ignoring them as a couple of crackpots, depending on who was in charge of the basically-forgotten case at the time.

Eventually, Galbreath was on her own. She set up a MySpace page as a tribute to the deceased and noticed that one MySpace user in the area was a person of interest-- a woman who had fled the area amid rumors she was involved in the murder. Galbreath played dumb and contacted her as if at random to ask her to contribute to the page as an area resident. It was the straw that whipped that camel's ass, and the person of the interest soon started spilling her guts out of nowhere. The MySpace user turned out to be an accomplice with a guilty conscience and later told the police how it all went down: the psycho had picked up his victim in a car full of drunk and drugged-out partiers, hit her over the head with a baseball bat, and had his conspiring female friends, of which the MySpace user was one, cover up the crime by dumping and burning the body.

18-year-old Jessica Currin had been walking home after a dullish Saturday evening at her friend’s house when she was stopped and given a lift in a car driven by Quincy Omar Cross, a 31-year-old layabout, serial hard-drug user and sexual offender. Also in the car, in a heavily drug-induced party mood, were four others – one man and three girls in their late teens.
Once she was inside the large, white, old Cadillac, Cross immediately began to sexually assault Jessica, aided by one of the girls. All four had been using cocaine, Ecstasy and alcohol. When Jessica resisted, Cross smashed a small baseball bat into the back of her head.

After several years on the (unpaid) job, Galbreath's work ultimately came down to the one chance MySpace message, but she wasn't fazed by all that lost time. Now the budding detective wants to get her PI license and has since found the love of her life and peace. At last.

Read the much more coherent (and epic) full tale here.

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Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

All week, Real Housewives of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi has been at war with offensive website/blog The Dirty over photos the webmaster has been plastering his pages with. The questionable pics include two of Rossi on the toilet and another of her flashing an unnamed photographer, who happened to be operating a motor vehicle at that moment.

Rossi decided free speech has its limits and called in the sheriff...

Here's what The Dirty posted a few hours after that last photo went up:

**Update: Gretchen Rossi has called the Costa Mexico Police Department on me. The best part is that she lied to the Costa Mexico PD stating that someone stole her camera (again). Gretchen, Tune In Tokyo- it’s not your camera.- nik

Of course, it wasn't just the photos that pissed Rossi off to the point of police intervention. It may have had something to do with this:

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, it seems like Gretchen Rossi has a history of ripping off “older men”. Apparently, she has been named in a law suit where she took advantage of an “older man” in a real-estate transaction, that happened 3-4 years ago. Is this true? Sounds like the same thing that her ex’s family is saying as well, “she is a complete fake and preys on the older guys…..” The story continues with her, the truth will come out!

Can someone email me Michelle’s phone number, Jeff’s ex-wife. I need answers, the DIRTY ARMY needs the truth.- nik

She's probably upset, the Dirty suggests, because the topless photo was taken by one of her many rumored lovers... although, of course, the website offers no conclusive proof.

Via TMZ.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:17:00 GMT

A little over a year ago, a friend of ours with the commenter name of "Ahem" caused a stir on these pages by suggesting he was able to accomplish a minor version of a threesome while operating a motor vehicle.

We were a threesome "couple" (trouple?), and luckily both were as thrilled with the idea as I. My GF in the backseat stripped down and crawled over me and into position while my GF in the passenger seat took up the task of steering. I did what I could to both provide and enjoy pleasure while keeping my foot on the gas and my eyes on the road through two very firm thighs.

While we can't actually confirm this story really happened, here's one that the police were able to, thanks to their dashboard cams. And unlike the above story, this sex act takes place in the fast lane...

According to the local newspapers in Norway, a 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old lover were arrested after cops spotting them having intercourse while the man was driving (see above illustration for an explanation on this strange phenomenon.)

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133km/h in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP on Monday.

"It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say," said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

"He couldn't see much because her back was in the way," he added.

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know."

Well, Tor, obviously you've never been laid properly. It's precisely because of the high risk, great story, and that need to get off that people generally have.

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Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

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I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Playboy's Famous Naked Female Cop Resurfaces

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Carol Shaya made the cover of Playboy in August of '94, back when we still drooled over the magazine... back before we signed up for America Online and found an internet full of nudity. For about two weeks that summer, Shaya was our teenage crush-- back then we still fell in love with the women we lusted after, instead of keeping them (sadly) separate.

We remember reading with little surprise-- even in those days-- that the NYPD had fired her for appearing in the magazine, which apparently made her realize it hadn't been worth it.

Shaya hasn't really been heard from since. As far as anyone knew, she had gone into some small town modeling or a security job in Butte and simply vanished. Then TMZ found her yesterday in Los Angeles and new and interesting details about her life emerged very quickly:

Shaya is a lesbian. Which is not news, of course, but this is: she was attacked and nearly strangled by her ex-girlfriend, whom she had just broken up with. The ex-po-lice claims Jessica Phillips grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the refrigerator in an incident in March. Shaya also says Phillips assaulted her mom and practically tossed the poor woman out of their shared California home to prevent her from staying with the couple. Either this is the worst mother-in-law ever or Phillips is-- no, clearly Phillips is just from Crazyland.

Unfortunately, all this forced Shaya to return to the spotlight. As soon as her name popped up in court papers, the tabloids were all over the still-young woman. We've decided not to show you her nude photos either... although they can be Googled if you're crafty. We wish her the peace she so clearly needs. From Wikipedia:

At first reports of the appearance, the New York City Police Department attempted to ignore the incident, but then gradually took escalating measures. In July 1994, Shaya was reassigned to a desk job at the Bronx Borough Command, not as a disciplinary action, but due to other female officers in her precinct complaining about verbal harassment from residents, who were asking about Officer Shaya's location and comparing them to her. On October 28, the NYPD filed departmental charges against Shaya, for unauthorized off-duty employment and improper use of her uniform and the Police Department logo. A police panel recommended a month's suspension, but the final decision was left to the New York City Police Commissioner. On March 7, 1995, Commissioner William J. Bratton dismissed Shaya, now using her married name Shaya-Castro, from the New York City police department. Bratton ruled that Shaya-Castro's appearance in Playboy violated the City Charter and the department's rules, so she was unfit to be a police officer. He also cited her record, which included only three arrests in four years.

Via TMZ.

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While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

This whole "writing about fingerbanging classes" trend is really getting annoying.

Who is Melissa Rycroft and why is Hugh Hefner offering her half a million dollars to pose for Playboy?

Hummer vs. school bus. Guess who wins?

A couple of things: how did the cameraperson know to film at that moment? Does the second animal live there? (It sure seems friendly if it doesn't.) And why is the second clip for 8:17 and the first from 8:18. Other than those obvious question marks, we love this video.

Minnesota cops now have their very own Oscar Grant case.

Rihanna is apparently cooperating with prosecutors after all. And she's supposed to be on Oprah with Chris Brown at some point soon.

And this Fox News story comes from a Sun story that turns out to have been completely made up. Fox reports a prank as a true story-- it's a case of a fake "news" company reporting fake news!

If you like that, you'll just flip for the gBall. Pretty crazy, eh?

It's still early, so here's one of the few practical jokes we've seen for... April Fool's!

And if you really think Miley Cyrus died in a freak car accident last night, you obviously weren't around for last year's April Fool's Day either.

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Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Hurling anything at a police officer is never a good idea. Hurling a five-foot-long inflatable penis at a police officer's horse? While probably harmless, and not as cruel as, say, a hard plastic dildo, it's still not a good idea.

A man was arrested in Wichita, KS was arrested and charged with battery on Sunday morning after he did just that.

The man was accompanying a group of women on a “Bachelorette party” when two officers on horseback spoke to the group. The man, who had previously been “joking around” with the penis thought it would be funny to hurl it at an officer, but missed and hit the horse instead, spooking the horse.

According to local reports, police arrested the man on suspicion of battery of a law enforcement officer, in this case, the horse. As this occurred, the sister of the man grabbed the officers arm, so she got arrested as well.

But because there’s always more, another woman in the group was arrested when she struck the horse’s head, although what isn’t clear is the why. What we do know is that the horse stood on the woman resulting in injuries that required medical attention, but we don’t know if that happened before or after she struck the horse. To twist the line from Over the Rainbow, you most definitely are in Kansas.

[Inquisitr: Man charged with battery for attacking a police horse with a 5ft long penis]

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Erykah Badu's Stalker

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Erykah Badu kept everyone (including Scanner Brian) waiting for her free show at SXSW last week, but she had a good reason. Some obsessive wack job was camped out outside her house.

She twittered it, too, under her handle "fatbellybella": "Police just apprehended a stalker in front of my house. Stay tuned to details."

Here are some of those details...

Driving to Austin now. Just got on road .. Had to file police report .

Poor chic is apparently sick . I feel so awful . Police pepper sprayed her and cuffed her .

White woman mid to late 20's had visited my home 3 or so times . Brought w/ her weird writtings .

I was kind to her first 3 times . I knew something was off . She was wearing a dilla shirt today .

When I came outside she had flowers lined up in front of my house and had spray painted the no parking sign with a peace symbol .

She had several misc. Items spread out in the grass . Blue shutters, a rabbit, a tucan , and a sketch book...

I'm gonna be late for my show ... Messing around with her .

Passing thru Waco now...with dilla played loud .

So .. The lady came to the house 1st time today around 1pm .. After light threats from me and fam she left . Was parked ok the grass in front of my house

So she comes back 30 Min later .. By this time I feel violated for real .. Cause o girl wasn't threatened at all .

Had no choice but to put the ipolice In it . Tried to reason . I felt so bad for her and her dog .

When she saw cops she took off running behind neighbors house
... Obviously she had been to jail b4 cause she wanted no parts of that

By this time there were 6 cop cars , ambulance and a fire truck ..

3 officers chased her on foot whole we all watched .

She finally comes " walking " calmly around corner toward one cop car with that big ass dog

Cop snatched her hand behind her back and she began resisting violently..

Damn I'm late

Hold on my people .

... Anyhow, all I could think of while all this is going on is .. I'm gone be on media take out .. LOL

... Or bossip.com

Scanner Brian adds: "It seemed strange that no one mentioned she would be late. Her group came out without her, late already, kept chanting her name and then abruptly left the stage right at 8pm. The lights went down, so everyone left, angry. As we were at the exit gate, Badu suddenly took the stage, played two songs, and disappeared again. Apparently, they had run out of time and still had to get Explosions in the Sky onstage. Oh well, whatever."

When cops pepper-sprayed, then arrested the fan outside Badu's house, the stalker had arranged various items, like blue shutters, a rabbit, a toucan and a sketch book. Ummm, we would have called the cops, too.

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Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:57:00 GMT

If you've just been paroled after a somewhat lengthy prison stay, one that featured no conjugal visits and no reported sex with any female administrative assistants, you're probably about forty times hornier than the average male, who is, on average, forty times hornier than Jacques Casanova after three hits of ecstasy.

So, it's almost-- almost, we emphasize-- understandable that Jason Leroy Savage did something unspeakable with an inanimate object after his release...

It was October 16, 2008, in Thomas Township, Michigan, and the Fill-N-Wash Car Wash (no pun intended, of course) was open for business. According to reports, a police officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" at the business at about 6:45am. Upon arrival, he immediately noticed Savage standing in an "awkward" position near a coin-operated car vacuum machine. As he approached, he noticed Savage's pants were at his ankles and that he was receiving a literal "blow job" from the vacuum cleaner. Savage shrieked, "Oh shit!" and tried to explain... although he mainly ended up just apologizing for his embarrassment at having been caught having sex with a machine.

Savage was apparently on parole for a drug charge, among other minor crimes. He pleaded no contest yesterday and will face sentencing in March.

Original reports are here and the followup is here.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Fox News Child Porn Bust

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If the grading system had been abandoned at our high schools, we might have gotten into some better universities.

PJ Harvey is coming to America! Who's buying us a ticket?

Who is Hollywood's most bankable star? Will Smith, followed by a host of males: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and-- well-- Brad Pitt's significant other.

Male police officers were punished for taking pictures of themselves at a sizeable party-- each cop was naked and holding a firearm.

Hillary Clinton is bored, wants you to e-mail her. Send her some Scanner links, see what happens.

Have you guys been following the Duff-Dunaway feud? Us neither.

And the Fox News producer arrested for possession of child porn was actually arrested ten years ago for the same crime, and subsequently dropped out of college in Michigan because of it.

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Museum Erotica Might Be the Economy's Next Victim

Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Police in Mississippi want you to believe that Billey Joe Johnson, Jr. died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head while in park during a routine traffic stop. Police want you to forget that Billey Joe was black, his girlfriend was white, and that the angry white father keeping them apart was a friend of the police officer on the scene.

They also want you to forget that the official report has one glaring inconsistency in the death of an all-star high school football player weighing several major scholarship opportunities.

But Johnson's family and the NAACP are questioning whether Johnson died from a self-inflicted gunshot. A lawyer for the family has said Johnson's wounds did not appear to be consistent with a shotgun wound.
Willie Gaines, head of the George County chapter of the NAACP, said he, like many others in the community, believes Johnson had too much to live for to take his own life. The morning of his death, he was scheduled to attend an awards banquet. [Denver Post]
A witness heard two shots, not one, at the scene where Billey Joe died, according to an independent investigation launched by the Mississippi NAACP. The pathologist in that investigation has indicated that it would be impossible for a bullet from a self-inflicted shot to enter in the manner that it did. He also said that given the length of Billey Joe's arms and the length of the shotgun, it would have been impossible for him to hold the weapon and fire it at himself. [dead link, via Color of Change e-mail]

Even with this evidence, will the truth ever come out? Did the cop shoot Johnson? Did the father of his girlfriend, who had been ordered not to see the boy? All we know is that on the night in question, Johnson tapped on the girl's window, where her mother was waiting or hiding or happened to be passing by in the inside hallway. The mother called the police and Johnson took off. Color of Change notes: "This fact was not a part of the original story given by the police."

Later, he was stopped for what the police say was a pair of traffic violations: running a red light and blowing a stop sign. The cop claims he was taking Johnson's driver's license back to the car when he heard a shot and the sound of glass shattering. He turned and saw Johnson's last moments...

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Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

[Image]

Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:07:00 GMT

In this economy, we care less about grades (because who can afford college, anyway?) and more about taking care of our basic needs, like food, clothing, shelter and prescription drugs. So it was only a matter of time before we'd start to hear of people exchanging their most valuable natural resource (sex) for a basic human need (drugs). It's been happening on the mean streets for years, but now a Pennsylvania doctor has been arrested for violating the drug act. And, of course, sexting.

Dr. Samuel Krakow might not have had too much trouble getting laid. Sure, his hairline was starting to recede, but he was a doctor, a doctor! But instead of good, old-fashioned dating, or even trolling craigslist for sex, Dr. Krakow—perhaps sensing his patients' economic strain—employed the barter system.

In exchange for prescription drugs (Oxycontin!) Krakow offered his man junk, in person and over the phone. Unfortunately, one of his "patients" turned out to be a police officer:

Authorities say, in January, police conducted an undercover investigation in which Krakow engaged in lewd and sexual communications with an undercover officer, and offered to deliver prescription drugs in exchange for sex.

Investigators say Krakow also sent the officer a photo of his penis over his cell phone.

In addition, police say, Dr. Krakow provided the undercover officer with a phone number for his former place of employment so that the undercover officer could confirm his status as a doctor who could provide any type of prescription pills.

Police set up an undercover operation on January 30th, in which they say Krakow agreed to meet and deliver Oxycontin pills in exchange for various sexual acts.

Once the drugs were delivered, the drug task force moved in and Krakow was arrested.

[ABC Action News: Doctor accused of drugs-for-sex scheme]

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[Image]

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

Careful when you decide to beat up a guy caught robbing someone's purse-- he may have been in the right.

Morrissey is butt naked!

The Flight of the Conchords are going on tour.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:59:00 GMT

This Mom threw such a hardcore kegger for her son and his friends that the cops found the air at her residence was running a .03 alcohol level.

The members of the Atlanta band The Black Lips are lucky to not be rotting in an Indian prison.

The truth about Joaquin Phoenix should have been obvious to everyone: he was in character for a mockumentary by Casey Affleck.

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The post office is considering cutting one day of service if its budgetary demands go unmet. It's time Netflix started its own shipping company and took over the world...

The A-Team really is going to be a movie. Boycott all remakes!

Someone should do a 90-minute documentary on what goes on when these cops strike for an hour-and-a-half.

Let's all get jobs at Canon in Japan so we can receive work-sanctioned early release for sex.

And Meryl Streep told Alec Baldwin she'll do 30 Rock, yay!

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Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:46:00 GMT

This is an oldie, but when we'd never seen before: Daily Cognition's list of the 20 Most Amazing Coincidences. Some of them have to be hoaxes, as a few of these stink worse than a dumpster at the Pike Place Market, but the rest will blow your cynical little minds...

It's an epic story, requiring at least 45 minutes of your time to pore through, but here are the highlights:

1) James Dean's car went on to kill at least 2 more people and injure several others over the years. Parts of it went into other cars and the rest of it collapsed and eventually broke into nearly a dozen different pieces.

2) A man saved a falling baby on two different occasions. Same baby, same man's head that broke the fall. This one we can't seem to believe-- but the world used to be a smaller place...

3) A guy almost got shot in the face by his scorned lover's crazed brother. Instead of killing him, the bullet nicked his face and lodged itself in a tree. Years later-- and this is the part we don't believe-- the survivor decided to destroy that same tree... with dynamite. You see where this is going, don't you? Indeed, he blew up the goddamn tree-- causing the bullet to fire out, hitting the guy in the face, killing him instantly.

4) Two twins are separated at birth, both are eventually named James, grow up to enter "law enforcement" (a vague enough description to qualify as a coincidence), marry women named Linda, have sons named James Alan (or James Allan), get divorced, and remarry women named Betty. Also, they had dogs named-- what the hell-- Toy. We're guessing it might be true that our lives are preordained, although the fact that this story was published by Reader's Digest calls the whole truth of it into question.

5) Our favorite: when Norman Mailer was writing his widely panned novel Barbary Shore, he decided to randomly work in a Russian spy character. Upon the book's completion, the Feds conducted a major raid on his upstairs neighbor's apartment, arresting the top Russian spy working in America. Mailer must've known, damn it...

Check out the rest, including the book that predicted the Titanic up to and including the reason it would sink and the woman who discovered her childhood favorite book-- and her own copy of it-- half a world away...

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Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Marcia Cross' husband is being treated for cancer.

Tens of millions of credit/debit card numbers were compromised in a major security breach. The biggest problem-- we don't know which numbers were affected.

Amy Winehouse's father says she was near death on two occasions. Only two? We're guessing that's counting "continuously for 14 months" as one of the occasions...

Is this the kissing capital of the world? No, but the legend's pretty good.

This is the scariest police officer ever. And that includes the guy who attacked the Times Up cyclist.

We've all worried about calling the wrong "Steve" or "Jessica" in our phones, but now Lily Allen's got us freaked out about picture messaging our phone photos to the wrong person.

A 107-year-old African-American woman who knew MLK when he was a kid was beyond thrilled by Obama's inauguration.

And Ted Kennedy, who collapsed during the inaugural luncheon, having suffered a seizure, appears to be improving and is expected to leave .

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Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

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To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:17:00 GMT

Alexander Kravitz (a.k.a. EVRYDAYGURLS), a 26-year-old auto mechanics teacher and basketball coach, had been sending dirty messages and webcam videos to a 14-year-old girl for nearly two months before he arranged for a rendezvous in Queens.

Except, when he showed up for their meeting yesterday with the hopes of making a sex tape, Kravitz didn't quite get what he had bargained for.

Oops! (No that's not supposed to be a gay stripper, just a sexy cop!)

Kravitz had, much to his surprise, been sending his SXY VIDS 4 U 2 C!!! to the NYPD.

A search of Kravitz's home later turned up "a trove of child porn," according to police.

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[Image (we dare you to follow that link), Image]

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Drew Peterson killed two of his wives.

As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life...

An unnamed twenty-four-year-old woman from Bolingbrook, Illinois (if we knew her name, we'd call 4-1-1 and straighten her out, Alec Baldwin-style) is reportedly engaged to Suspect #1, Drew Peterson, whose wife hasn't even been declared dead. This guy's got major cojones-- I thought he was like OJ, searching for the real killer. And hell, at least OJ had the brains not to get engaged during the investigation into his ex-wife's murder.

This guy is one sick individual, God knows what he's capable of doing to his latest early-20's "love." (That's right, his current wife is 24, if she's still alive. How is this guy cleaning up the Illinois-area single women?)

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Cops Stripped Of Duties After Wild Hooker Party

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Imagine you're a cop in Australia. How is it possible you're able to carry out your duties with the high-quality gene pool there?

Who could blame the cops in the country's Northern Territory for growing restless while on patrol and stopping off at the Hooker Ball for a grope and grind?

According to the local media in Darwin, NT, the two cops were removed from street work after compromising photographs turned up from an annual pimps-and-hoes-themed costume party in the sleepy capital. They were supposed to be checking the club for crime, drunken antics, and proper licensing, but instead got a couple of lapdances and delivered one or two spankings. What, does Darwin want its cops to be asexual or-- worse-- un-fun?

As these pictures prove, the coppers had no other choice. They should be exonerated.