Scanner : pregnacy

Rumormongering: Rihanna Gave Chris Brown Herpes

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:55:00 GMT

The drama surrounding Chris Brown and Rihanna continues. Amid reports that the on-again, off-again couple is taking a much-needed break, we hear that Brown had a "reason" to beat the hell out of his girlfriend—bitch gave him herpes! Or so says a "source close to Brown." A reason to break up with someone? Sure. Beat that person up? Hell no. Of course, tthe story gets better. Because if Rihanna gave Brown The Herp, who gave it to her?

Why, none other than Jay-Z!

This story is, of course, getting more ridiculous by the day. Next thing you know Beyonce and Rihanna are going to come forward with their lesbian love affair and Brown is going to turn up preggers on the Oprah show.

[The Inquisitr: Rihanna gave Chris Brown Herpes?]

Related:

Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

[Image, Image]

Why Did the Grammys Do That to M.I.A.?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:21:00 GMT

M.I.A. is the most badass pregnant lady ever for performing at the Grammys on her due date (on top of already being amazingly cool). But can we agree that the so-called "Rap Pack" accompaniment was a bad move? Moments into M.I.A.'s hit "Paper Planes," Kanye West, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne & T.I. joined her on a "Paper Planes"-infused mashup of "Swagga Like Us." Not to give any undeserved credence to YouTube commenters, but one wrote, "love M.I.A., but them blokes ruin that song," and that seems a popular sentiment around the internet this morning.

Here's how it sounded.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: M.I.A. Is the Most Badass Pregnant Woman on the Planet

Image: NYmag.com

When the Old "Suck in the Gut" Tactic Is Not Cutting It

Colleen Kane — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:54:00 GMT

I just happened upon an invention for pregnant ladies and thought how useful it might occasionally be in my own life.

It's called the Bellaband, and I've learned from their Amazon listing that preggos wake up one day to find their jeans just don't button anymore. Hey, me too! Slip the Bellaband over all that mess, put on a (presumably longish and flatteringly-tailored) shirt, and no one is any the wiser that the jeans are unbuttoned and unzipped.

Scanner Colleen would like to reassure everyone that she is not pregnant, and that she still thinks pregnancy is gross.

File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

Voice of Reason: Jason Bateman Says 'Juno' is Not to Blame for Teenage Pregnancy

Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:40:00 GMT

We're not saying she's dumb because she gave birth following a rollercoaster ride; we're not even going to call her the dumbest person of 2008 for going on a rollercoaster ride while pregnant.

Nope-- we're going to call her the dumbest person of the year for not even knowing she was pregnant... and it gets zanier right quick.

Her 22-year-old boyfriend didn't figure out she was pregnant either. Usually, when you hear about these nutso's, you learn that the mother is religious, very conservative, has not had proper sex ed classes, and ends up nearly dying in childbirth. Not so in this case-- this is a 21-year-old woman working in a bar (far different from our previous story about the conservative Muslim working as cocktail waitress, also in England), a worldly type who had a boyfriend who presumably saw her naked in her ballooned-up form, and may also have been properly educated in the birds and bees.

We also have to ask: did her water not break? What happened to her periods? Didn't the baby ever kick? Didn't anyone else look at her belly and say, "You're not fat, you're pregnant?" And worst of all, considering she was working late nights in a bar, was she boozing it up during the pregnancy? So many questions... the answers for which the silly Telegraph is not revealing. We'll have to send one of our English readers after her for comment...

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"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Woman Convicted For the Old "Smuggling a Monkey in Pregnant Belly" Routine

Colleen Kane — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:11:00 GMT

Gypsy Lawson almost got away with smuggling a rhesus macaque monkey into the country under her blouse while passing it off as a pregnant belly. That is, until a month later when she decided to take little Apoo for a stroll at the Spokane mall last Christmas.

That's just the beginning of a tale involving Fashion Bug, a sketchy contact in Thailand named Boris, and a group of witches and pagans.

Apparently, Gypsy and her mom Fran had taken a jaunt to Thailand in November 2007, where their contact Boris, who they'd corresponded with over email, led them to several villages until they found the monkey. They drugged the monkey with sleeping pills, and headed home. During the journey, Gypsy emailed the Yahoo group "NE Witches and Pagans" to request their "last-minute energy" to assist in her felony.

The monkey business (sorry) came to the attention of feds during Apoo's fateful debut at the mall, where Gypsy blabbed her story to a clerk at the Fashion Bug, who in turn called the feds. Gypsy and her mom were found guilty today of conspiracy and smuggling goods.

Apoo is now in Oregon in custody of a private rescue facility. Paul Chang of the Fish and Wildlife Service explains the risk posed. “These animals are known carriers of viruses and parasites that can be transmitted to humans, although this particular animal tested negative,” Chang said, though an article in the Spokesman Review
notes it was a carrier of Herpes B.

Let's review what's a little wacko about this story:

* The story's antagonist has the same first name as my dead cat
* No one noticed the lady whose "pregnant belly" had the shape of a drugged monkey
* Monkey has the same name as the guy in the Simpsons, only spelled like "poo"
* Requesting last-minute energy from witches and pagans while committing a crime
* Did we miss anything?

Caption This: Monkey Love

Can This Love Monkey Get Any F*cking Cuter?

Image: runrigging.blogspot.com

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:14:00 GMT

More like: While You Were Eating...

Britney Spears' diet consists mainly of "Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull." Now that's a Thanksgiving dinner we can get behind!

The 2009 Pretty in Mink calendar features supposed conservatives pretending to be glamorous.

Since InTouch is a waste of hopefully recyclable paper, we can't be sure if this Angelina Jolie news is true...

According to InTouch, Saint Angie told everyone the news when a waiter tried to pour her ass a booze drink at a restaurant in London. Brad Pitt gave Angie Jo the side-eye because he wasn't ready to go public with the news [that she's pregnant again.]

Enjoy the above photo of Tina Fey now... because this pic of her may traumatize you for life.

Karl Rove... closet Obama fan? By the way, the transition team has received almost 300,000 resumes so far.

And your comic relief: New Jersey police responded to an alarm at a bank after hours and, seeing what appeared to be a person inside, they evacuated nearby apartments, surrounded the bank, and began making requests through a megaphone. Later on, they realized the person was actually a cardboard cutout.

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Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Same-sex heart transplants are the just better. (We'll resist gay marriage jokes here.)

Justin Long: from Drew Barrymore... to Tila Tequila? We're glad neither are divulging the make-out details.

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's aide was arrested for... have you guessed yet?

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. [Wonkette]

Jamie Lyn-Sigler: glad she doesn't have any kids, not as hot as she used to be, still dull.

Russell Brand says not being gay gets him laid. And hopefully he's shooting blanks. (You'll see what we mean.)

There has got to be an explanation for these fetus cookies, but we don't even want to hear it.

How much does a $2,000/hour escort, such as Natalie, seen above, take home? Gawker has the answer.

CNN has photos of two of the three new planets just discovered outside our solar system. They resist Uranus jokes, unfortunately, and don't comment on the fact that the planets are named "b" and "c." Wow.

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Photo Evidence: Tila Tequila Was A Vegas Call Girl

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Whoops! We Sent You Home With The Wrong-Gendered Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:34:00 GMT

One Romanian mother got the shock of her life when she went to change her "daughter's" diaper for the first time...

One of our favorite movies is Once Upon A Time in America, which we saw at a young enough age that, upon watching the scene where De Niro and James Woods switch all the name tags on the babies, we were quite traumatized by the idea of a baby swap. Could we have the wrong parents? Nah-- we share too many of the same genes, like the crazy gene and the utter confusion at anything people say gene.

Anyway, enough about that.

A woman who have birth to a baby girl had the shock of her life when she went home from hospital and changed its nappy for the first time - and discovered bumbling nurses had given her a boy instead.

Cristina Zahariuc, 35, from Horlesti in Iasi county, Romania, said she hadn't suspected a thing because the baby was handed over wearing the clothes she had provided.

"Only when I got home and I invited some friends and the baby's godparents to see her did I notice my girl had an penis. I was paralysed," she said.

Look, everybody! My daughter has an amazing vagina! Uh oh.

"It was very strange though. We were calling the hospital to tell them about the confusion and they were hanging up on us saying we should stop fooling around. They thought we were playing tricks on them," he said.

No, they were afraid of you because of this thing called a "lawsuit," which they surely have coming to them. After all, what if the swapped baby had been a girl? Would Mom have found out? And what about the other family? Certainly, they must be ready to file themselves...

One more thing: we understand names may have gotten swapped if two nurses picked the two babies up to be changed and played baby toss or something, but how did the clothes get swapped?

Via news.com.au.

Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

New Documentary Looks At Life As An Intersex Adult

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

What Do You Do When a Black Man is Elected President?

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Why, you smoke weed and make babies.

While we hope this L.A. Fox affiliate newscaster wasn't trying to make any racial assumptions (because, let's be honest, if we weren't sitting in a bar in Kanas City with just our family and a few stragglers, we might have smoked it up and had some fun, too), this short clip almost makes it seem that way.

Contex, people!

Oh, and we'd like to clarify that if we'd had any weed we would have smoked it, even though we were in a bar, in Kansas City, with our family.

What A Five-Year-Old Thinks Of The Election

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

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Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Everyone in this British man's Spanish town was arrested on corruption charges, so now he's the mayor. A bad Jim Carrey movie is already in the works, we're sure.

This is either the grossest or funniest thing in ages, we can't decide.

The latest nonsense rumor about Led Zeppelin...

Chris Cornell addressed rumors he'd tour with Led Zeppelin: "I have not been approached to fill in for Robert Plant on the upcoming Zeppelin tour, but that isn't to say I won't be."

There's nothing else to do there, so Saudi Arabia held a sheep beauty pageant.

Is Kathleen Edwards filing for divorce?

Why would anyone give Joe the Plumber a book deal? This guy will be a footnote on November 5th, no matter who wins.

Nikki Taylor got knocked up. In other news, Nikki Taylor is still considered newsworthy.

Sarah Palin needs to stay away from sports fans, for the last time. Especially Pennsylvanian sports fans.

Our favorite sign of the week.

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Three Beauty Queens Walk Into a Rental Office....

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12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:52:00 GMT

What's nuttier than a story about an adolescent getting arrested for throwing sticks and stones (literally) at his pregnant teacher?

How about what he said to her while he did it and the fact that the local media saw fit to print his mugshot as a warning to others...

According to the TV station that revealed the poor kid's identity:

The boy stands just four feet tall and weighs just 54 pounds, but apparently the little 12-year-old has a big temper. He was arrested for viciously attacking his pregnant school counselor and is now facing two felony charges, battery on a pregnant female and battery on a school official.
The 12-year-old started running away from his teachers and was about to jump the fence when the counselors tried to stop him and that's when he got mad."Next time, it's not going to be a pleasant visit! You go to school to learn!" a Palm Bay officer told Jason Lord as he got into a squad car.

We won't even take bets on whether this kid has a rough home life (there's no way they can just write this off to ADD or bipolar disorder or whatever they can come up with), since it's 99% likely he's been through more than the usual rigamarole there. You don't learn to say "Bitch, I'm going to kill you" while giving two teachers the middle finger from your classmates, you know...

We won't cause him further humiliation by posting his mugshot here... the kid's crying in it, for God's sake. Don't they have any respect?

Via WFTV.

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Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

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While You Were Sleeping: Oh, Jeebus... Guess Who's Pregnant Again?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Remember the woman who was allegedly stuck to a toilet for a couple years? Her boyfriend, although charged with a host of crimes in the case, still has time to go out and win the lottery... twice.

We've been waiting for more, um, developments in this case, but nevermind: a Playboy pinup testified in Federal court in the semi-well-known "suitcase full of $800,000" trial.

We absolutely love Nick Nolte. He is a badass without even trying. Check out what he did yesterday:

Nick suffered from "minor smoke inhalation," after attempting to fight a fire with a garden hose at his Malibu home Tuesday, an inspector at the L.A. County Fire Department confirms...

The actor, 67, took action after an electrical malfunction started the blaze in his home office, inspector Ron Haralson told Us. The fire department responded at 11:34 a.m., as TMZ.com first reported.

He didn't run out of the house screaming for help-- he fought that fire until his already-tar-and-smoke-filled lungs couldn't take it anymore. Nice work.

If this is real, then McCain is doomed: one supporter(?) claims to have received a prepaid FedEx return envelope from the McCain campaign asking for a donation. This is either the most desperate fundraising pitch ever or the most ingenious... possibly both.

Speaking of McCain, did you enjoy Tom Brokaw last night? Check him out here, talking about previous electoral campaigns. Pretty interesting.

Cameron Diaz reveals why her relationships don't work out:

"I'm a spoiled brat."

And... well isn't this wonderful? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

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Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

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Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

And Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Last year, Esquire used the above photo to tantalize readers about its upcoming Sexiest Woman pick. That woman turned out to be Charlize Theron, who doesn't repeat her win in 2008.

...thankfully not Lindsay Lohan. Or even Megan Fox. (Did you miss our announcement yesterday, thanks to Scanner Emily? Don't worry, we reveal it now, with glorious celebratory photos, below.)

Nope, this is a blast from the past, thank God. (Thank God, that is, we actually knew who this woman was before today's revelation...)

According to our friends at CNN.com, the winner had this to say for herself:

"I don't know exactly what it means, but being 42 and having just had a baby, I think I'll take it..."
"Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being," she says. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments."
"I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment," she says.

Figured it out yet? Too late now, you've probably already peeked below...

No, that's not a young Alicia Keys... that's a wham-bam-thank-you-mam hot Halle Berry almost ruined by Esquire's product placement... but really, has there ever been a photo where Halle Berry didn't look 100% fantastic?

Photos via Just Jared. Story via CNN.

Related:

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Breakup of the Week: Wave Goodbye to Halle Berry's Glorious Pregnancy Breasts

Palin's Big Cancer-Causing Purchase

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Ever wonder how Sarah Palin keeps that beautiful tan even in the cold, Alaska winters? Wonder no more.

Apparently, Mrs. Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's Mansion so that she, and her artificially brown children, can keep that Florida glow year round.

"She did. She paid for it with her own money," Roger Wetherell, chief communications officer of Alaska's Department of Transportation and Public Facilities told Us Weekly.

Not surprising, considering Palin is a former beauty queen. We all know that in the beauty queen world pale equals ugly. And probably poor. Bristol probably would have had no chance at getting knocked up had she been all pasty and shit.

We wonder how her running mate, John McCain, who has twice battled skin cancer, feels about all this...

[Us: Sarah Palin Installed Tanning Bed at Governor's Mansion]

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Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

Rumor Mongering: The Palin Kids

**Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck**

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:45:00 GMT

Celebrity Headline of the AM: "What can't Ashton do?" Nope, we didn't read the story.

Non-Celebrity Headline of the Day: New Zealand Airline seeks bald men to use as walking billboards

The Daily Mail has discovered the best way to make someone fall in love with you: take them on a rollercoaster rid e.

Usher is going to have another baby! Well, Tameka Foster is, but who wants to read about her, right? Usher's having a baby...!

Pete Wentz (AND HIS LARGE PENIS) are fessing up about all the drugs (penis!) and alcohol.

Natasha Bedingfield is engaged. Believe it or not, this was a top story on every news site this morning.

And is it a sign that mainstream will start to go independent instead of the other way around? Sonic Youth confirms they are signing with Matador Records.

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Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:33:00 GMT

"Jonas Brothers' Wish Comes True: They Meet Britney Spears Backstage At The VMAs," read the MTV headline.

This makes us chuckle, you see, because just yesterday, we were discussing the Jonas Brothers' ~~chastity belts~~ purity rings.

And just yesterday, they were drooling all over Brit Baby and her "shimmery asymmetrical minidress."

The boys, dressed in suits, posed with a smiling multiple-VMA-winning Spears, who was decked out in a shimmery asymmetrical minidress, for a picture together backstage at the show.

The brothers, who didn't win any awards themselves, told UsMagazine.com before the awards show that they wanted to meet the one and only comeback kid.

"We really hope we get to meet her," Kevin Jonas told the site following their rehearsal of their new single, "Lovebug," on a New York City set at Paramount Studios for the VMAs, which aired live from Hollywood on Sunday. "That would be an honor," Kevin added. His brothers agreed.

Ummm, in this particular scenario, is it okay to make a blanket statement along the lines of "this is what's wrong with Christianity today?"

Previously:

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

How Much Did Britney Pay MTV for her VMAs?

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:38:00 GMT

Who is this Sex Pistols reject and why is he allowed to peer down Lindsay Lohan's cleavage?

Love her or hate her, Lindsay Lohan still has the best boobs in Hollywood, or at least the best cleavage. And as you can see, Lindsay's 15-year-old boyfriend, Sam Ronson thinks so too. Now that's one lucky kid. Could you imagine still being in High School, and getting to date Lindsay Lohan? I think it's every young boy's dream.

Har har. The real story is that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson (who is actually a 31-year-old female DJ from Los Angeles, despite these cheap jokes) were in Bryant Park for Fashion Week, where news reports of an impending marriage have them avoiding the press. More importantly, there are the beginnings of lesbian baby reports:

British newspaper The News of The World claims the Mean Girls actress has approached one of her former boyfriends to help with the conception. A source close to Lindsay tells the paper, "Lindsay is in a very happy place at the moment. She's been having deep discussions about a baby.
"She wants a natural birth and has spoken to Sam about getting one of her ex-boyfriend's to help out. They don't want to adopt." [News.au.com]

Disappointingly, this "source" (of bullshit) doesn't know or won't say who the ex is. But whoever it is, they are sure to say yes... they'll say yes to anything while lost in Lindsay's #1 boobs...

Top photo via Egotastic.

This Week In Gayness: Sam Ronson's Gay Tell-All About Lindsay?

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Sloppy Seconds: Matthew Broderick And Sarah Jessica Parker On The Run?

The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Thanks to this nude scene in the upcoming movie, Felon, 24 star Marisol Nichols is expected to make the big time...

We just have one problem with her... and it's kind of a dealbreaker for us...

According to boner-killing Wikipedia:

At age 12 she started using alcohol and drugs but has been sober since she was 17. In an interview with AskMen.com, Nichols stated "I remember being 17 and looking around at some of the people that I was hanging out with, and I had this realization that if I didn’t knock this off now it would become my life."

Nichols, a Scientologist, is an active advocate of Criminon and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. She became a member of Church of Scientology when she was introduced to it by her chiropractor. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

Marisol married Taron Lexton in 2008.

Will you forgive her her (fatal) flaw?

Photo via the new Val Kilmer movie, Felon, opening sometime this century. Nichols, meanwhile, is having a baby sometime next month...

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Strip clubs in Denver are reporting a decline in business... just since the DNC began.

Why is anyone surprised Axl Rose doesn't bother with pickup lines? If we were him, we wouldn't either... although, um, we probably still wouldn't put it quite like he did.

Scariest headline of the day, via CNN: Airline removes life vests to lighten load

Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and "i.am" John Legend join obvious choice will.i.am to close out tonight's convention.

We barely even remember hearing about this movie, and now it's getting a sequel?

Your boyhood idols: where are they now?

Just in case, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty has canceled his weekend interviews.

Kimora Lee Simmons denies she's pregnant. Meaning someone reportedly cared enough to print that she may have been.

Do you believe this story:

Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone has accused Demi Moore of deliberately squirting breast milk at his gay friends.

We don't.

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Nude Bicyclists Protest... Global Warming?

Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:41:00 GMT

Remember that story last week about the bride and groom that got into a fight with their guests and ended up in jail? (Twice?) Well, a couple in Scotland may have taken us literally when we joked it sounded like a great party.

Three people have been arrested for attempting to assassinate or at least wound Senator Obama during his outdoor speech, scheduled for Thursday night.

Speaking of Obama: isn't voting for McCain after you backed Hillary Clinton the same as voting for Bush after you backed Bill Bradley?

As frustrated Democrats converged on Denver yesterday, some began chanting "caucus fraud," while others shouted the word "sweetie," a reference to the time Obama called a female reporter by the same name. One Clinton supporter who spoke to ABC News said Obama couldn't be trusted. Another said, "He's shifty and untrustworthy." [ABC News]

We're not sure why every media outlet did a story on the reason Facebook blocked Scrabulous. Thanks, but we figured it was Mattel's doing all along.

Songwriter Karen DioGuardi, who looks like someone who'd play Paula Abdul in a Lifetime movie, and author of hits for Carrie Underwood, Pink, and Kelly Clarkson, is bringing her brand of sass to American Idol. Now the show just needs someone who can actually sing and we might watch it.

A father and son, who have been separated for 22 years are finally reunited: in prison, where both are serving terms for the same sex crime.

One of the singers from the Barenaked Ladies survived a plane crash. They just got a whole lot cooler in our books...

Yes, he's been such a great parent so far, let's do it all over again: Charlie Sheen's new wife is pregnant.

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

Andy Dick And Steven Page: Today In C-List Celeb Arrests

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

Scanner Highs And Lows: Battle of the Sexies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:52:00 GMT

Cosmo and AskMen battled it out. Hell, we battled it out amongst ourselves.

Yep, another week down the tubes, with a couple of one night stands, penis pics, and Olympian feats of perversion along the way...

HIGHS:

Some of us kind of dug the battle of the sexes between Cosmopolitan and AskMen.com.

Girls can do the 007 thing, too, y'all.

Kafka was into porn... could Jane Austen be too far behind?

Would it have been sexist to question Hillary Clinton's sanity instead?

Hey, this is one post for guys and gals: how to get knocked up.

We celebrated the female form... and then made it compete against itself. Oh well, it's all in good fun.

Pure artistry, as only a stupid, stupid man can pull. THIS man.

Lest you think we only want to see women Olympians naked...

LOWS:

This is one predilection most women avoid sharing with men: shooting your exes.

A sculpture of a naked woman. A sculpture of a naked man. Which do you think would cause the most public outcry?

If only the media hadn't been ~~a) sexist~~ ~~b) truthful about her terrible campaign and see-right-through-it-campaign-fakery~~ c) so lazy in investigating John Edwards, Hillary "would've won."

Some dude spent seven thousand euros on phone sex during one hotel stay. That's, like, eight million dollars US!

Some men will do anything to get at their prey, even marry them.

Are pregnant ladies "offensive"? We didn't think so. So why would a pregnant lady in lingerie be offensive?

Photo via this link.

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 19:20:00 GMT

We'd to see a good brawl between the silly people behind Cosmopolitan and AskMen.com.

Until that $39.95 pay-per-view event, we'll settle for this war of online words, over AskMen's "Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do" (which even we're not brash enough to subject anyone to) and Cosmo's response, "21 Things Women Can Do That Guys Can't." Oooooooh! No, you didn't...

Worst Of AskMen's List: #10: Go topless. (Really, women can't? Where do you live, dude?); #9: Hold our liquor (We were at a Wilco concert last night and apparently Tim Robbins was passing out behind us.) #1: Age well. (Seen Sophia Loren lately, anyone? Or Helen Mirren, you bastards?)

Best of AskMen's List: #3: Pee standing up. (We'd like to add: pee in public, even between cars, when necessary... and sometimes even get away with it.)

Worst of Cosmo's List: #1: Get preggers. (99% of all men are glad it works out that way. Not that we don't admire you for the ability, just we we're glad the Pregnant Man thing isn't going to happen to us.) #3: Ask for directions. (Oh, when are we going to forget that false, tiresome cliche?)

Best of Cosmo's List: #2: Fake it. (Sadly, we can't have what she's having.) #6: Have multiple orgasms. (Yeah, but Viagra solves that discrepancy.) #12: Wing it on the dance floor... convincingly. (Agreed.)

Read the AskMen original and the Cosmo retaliation here.

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Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

Crush of the Week: Biker Who Protested Wal-Mart... By Taking Off Her Clothes

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

7 Tips For Getting Knocked Up

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Or... if you're like us.. you're trying not to get somebody pregnant... either way, these tips are important to remember...

-The more you know about your menstrual cycle, the easier it will be for you to pinpoint your most fertile days

-You're at your most fertile during the five days leading up to and the 12 hours following ovulation.

-Researchers have found that a suction effect is created when the female partner achieves orgasm, something that causes the cervix to draw sperm into the vagina more efficiently.

Great. As if guys need another reason not to bring a woman to orgasm. (Of course, if you're trying to have a baby, ignore this ignorant remark.)

-Avoid vaginal sprays, scented tampons and artificial lubricants, all of which may interfere with your babymaking plans.

-It's a good idea to remain in a horizontal position for at least five minutes after you've finished making love.

-Studies have shown that it takes normal, fertile couples an average of six months to conceive, and most doctors consider anything up to one year to be well within the range of normal.

You can read more from author Ann Douglas, including more detailed explanations of the above, at this site.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

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While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Think this'll stop those incessant rumors about Clay Aiken?

You know it was bound to happen sooner or later... we just wish people had gotten used to the idea of California's gay marriages before they have to get used to the idea of California gay divorces.

Speaking of California, damn place is s'crazy, man's gotta run a brothel to supplement his assistant principal gig. (That's a Johnny Cash reference, in case you were wondering.)

A judge tossed a hardcore Christian's lawsuit against his former company, saying the man had insufficient evidence to back up his claim to having been fired for refusing to join co-workers for a night out at a strip club.

Espresso Gone Wild will have to cover up or stop serving coffee in Washington state.

A woman in Tennessee won local office with the one and only vote in that race: her own.

You probably already heard, but just in case: Bernie Mac, 50, died over the weekend after a bout of pneumonia and Isaac Hayes was found dead at 65 near his still-running treadmill.

M.I.A. is taking some flack for her supposed support for a terrorist group.

And who the fuck makes a fuss about a pregnant woman being sexy? This is beyond stupid, even for a conservative-leaning country like England: customer complaints forced the female owner of a lingerie shop to remove a mannequin with a "baby bump."

She told BBC Look North: "It started with people looking in the window and making comments outside and they told me their points of view that they found it offensive.
"Other shop traders also told me that people were saying to them that it was offensive and that I should cover her up or move her.
"So I put a camisole on Emily and someone else made another comment, saying that they could still see the bump, so I put her in the corner of the shop away from the window."

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Top 10 Songs To Strip To, As Voted By Guys

Iowa Strip Club Features 17-Year-Old Dancer, Claims Artistic License

Smile! Religious Wackos Videotaping You Buying Lingerie

Breaking: Same-Sex Marriage Now Legal in California

This Week in Gayness: Al Franken's Lesbian Jokes

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:54:00 GMT

Do you want your kids playing with Pregnant Paper Dolls? We guess so long as it's not Jamie Lynn Pregnant Paper Dolls...

Lies and attacks usually help: McCain now trails Obama by a mere three points nationally.

We'd say the woman who witnessed all of the following might actually win a case against her lawyer boss...

Paralegal Angela Robinson is suing renowned ambulance-chaser Richard Laminack for encouraging her to perform sexual acts on a witness, demanding sexual favors from employees, and trying to defraud Fen-Phen plaintiffs. [Business Sheet]

Instead of tying up the courts and expecting to buy an island with her settlement, Ms. Robinson is suing for a mere $55,000... mainly for wrongful termination.

Maybe they could've just waited for it to go out of business or be sold, since if the town gets a huge ovation for destroying it, no one must show up there after meetings, right?

Verne Troyer says his ex tossed him.

Brad and Angelina signed a multimillion dollar deal for their baby snaps.

Can you guess why a naked man may have been climbing down a chimney?

And finally, the town of Livonia, Georgia has bought the Cafe Risque strip club for a whopping one million dollars. However, they neglected something in the process...

The town of Lavonia could have used nearly $1 million to pay off the bond fund for a water treatment plant upgrade. Instead, officials bought Cafe Risque, which they have long tried to shut down.
Lavonia's mayor got a standing ovation when he announced the deal at a meeting earlier this week. Crews took down the signs advertising it and burned them in a large bonfire at the strip club site, near a major highway.

Americans: clean and safe drinking water is unimportant, but my Lord, anyone who trades it in for God-given bodies is to be praised to the heavens.

Florida businessman Jerry Sullivan opened Cafe Risque in 2001. The city went to court several times to close it, but Sullivan's lawyers argued successfully that nude dancing was a constitutionally protected form of expression.
Lavonia has since passed an ordinance outlawing adult entertainment businesses.

Via KIRO-TV.

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Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

We thought we'd spice up your Friday with the Scanner equivalent of jalapeño peppers.

1) Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

With this post, we swear, we didn't plan it in advance or have any knowledge what would happen would happen.

2) This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

Apparently, Googling "homosexualmania" does not get you this post. Shame.

3) Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Didn't she try for a decade with Tom Cruise? Hasn't she been trying for years? Aren't celebrities so strange they might fake a pregnancy to a) help their careers and/or b) cover for the fact that they adopted/cradle-robbed/did something else to obtain a baby, thinking that, somehow, their box office will plummet if they don't have a "real" birth soon?

4) Is Batman's Crime-Fighting Simply A Cry For Help?

Scanner Nicole muses...

5) "Just A Fun Loving Nerd!!!" Just The Man For Us

Yeah, but those photos gotta be -shopped, right?

6) Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar?

Some are saying Eartha Kitt.

7) Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

It turns out the original New York article has become the the source of the most letters to the editor in that magazine's history...

8) "I Had Sex With My Brother" One Woman's Blue Lagoon

Some questioned our historical accuracy (Brooke Shields was that dude's cousin, after all), some just questioned.

9) Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

We were setting ourselves up for this one. There's still a debate on legal issues in the comments-- wait, it's interesting, we swear!

10) Watch the Homophobic Snickers Ad Pulled From TV

We're not controversial for posting it, we're controversial for associating ourselves with the fellow countrymen who produced it.

Sloppy Seconds: The Next Ashley Alexandra Dupre Scandal Begins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

A nine-year-old girl successfully sued her parents to break away from her birth name. You will be astounded to hear what it was... although at least it wasn't Benson or Hedges (a pair of twins) or, better yet, Number 16 Bus Shelter, all of which are real.

The most famous penis in the world is now 17.

50 Cent is suing Taco Bell. That's all you need to know.

Bill O'Reilly's boneheaded racism has drown the wrath of Nas, who is set to appear on The O'Reilly Factor.

McCain is gaining on Obama in four key swing states.

A seventy-two-year-old woman is the oldest new mother in the world today after giving birth to twins. Owwww...

Anyone out there read Daily Candy? Somebody must be subscribed to it, since it's selling to Comcast for in the neighborhood of $75 million.

And Ashley Alexandra Dupre was spotted entering (and leaving) the Gramercy Park Hotel after a 24-hour tryst with a married man. Is she still hooking or did Ashley find love with an asphalt millionaire? At this point, we're beyond caring.

The pretty woman, 23, and 35-year-old Thomas J. "TJ" Earle were spied ducking into the Gramercy Park Hotel, where they rented a room Tuesday after a long day drinking, dining, shopping and snuggling together in limos around the Big Apple, sources told The Post.