Scanner : pregnancy

New Mom Dropped By Insurer For Being Slightly Overweight

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:04:00 GMT

The insurance company worried that it would have to take care of children like the ones picture above, based on no evidence other than the mother they were carrying tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.

Anna Holten is a 26-year-old Swedish woman. She stands at about 5' 4" (169cm) and weighs about 220 pounds (100 kg), giving her a BMI of 35. Apparently, this was too much for her insurance company, which dropped her to great public controversy...

Upon learning of her rejection, Holten contacted the Trygg-Hansa risk analyst to explain that she was still trying to work off the weight she gained while pregnant.

“You should have lost the weight by now,” the analyst told her.

According to Trygg-Hansa product manager Björn Sporrong, people with a BMI of 35 are “extremely overweight” and right at his company’s limit for granting coverage.

“Exceedingly overweight people run a significantly higher risk for suffering from many serious diseases,” he told Expressen.

Trygg-Hansa spokesperson Malou Sjörin concurred.

“Even if you’re not sick today, you can be in the future,” Sjörin told the Metro newspaper.

These people wouldn't be able to find anyone to insure if they moved to America-- 220 pounds at 5' 4" is barely considered "overweight" in some states. But that doesn't mean they were wrong to drop Ms. Holden, mother of a seven-month-old baby... or does it?

Via the Local.

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While You Were Sleeping: Bartering Sex for Debt Reduction

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Kelis is divorcing Nas, even though she's seven month's pregnant with his baby.

If you're (still) a Tori Amos fan, get her new single via free download.

Ladies, you should (apparently) be washing your bras more than every-other-month, okay?

The world's oldest Benedictine month finally got bored of this world at the age of 108.

Milla Jovovich's nude past has been unearthed. Again.

A male lawyer who let his female client work off her debt to him via sex has been disbarred.

How nice it must be to be the son of two celebrities: Redmond O'Neil will not have to go to jail for heroin possession, DUIs, and other charges.
There's a two-year-old girl in Mensa, thanks to her 156 IQ.

And Gavin Newsom's wife's porno (we wish it was really a porno instead of a B-movie with some chaste sex scenes) is back in the news again thanks to the SF Mayor's Gubernatorial run.

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

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While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

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Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:51:00 GMT

Lisa Rinna doesn't need Hugh Hefner's money. The former Melrose Place and Days Of Our Lives star is quite content to do Broadway with her husband and the occasional season of Dancing With the Stars.

But she says she wanted to prove that her body is still great at nearly half a century. What do you think?

Rinna, who is married to actor Harry Hamlin, says her husband encouraged her to show off her body in this month's Playboy. The actress, who has had plastic surgery and botox, didn't need to think it over for too long. And the idea of doing a Mrs. Robinson-inspired shoot with her favorite photographer was icing on the cake:

In 1998, Rinna created a stir when she posed for a nude pictorial while six months pregnant in the September issue of Playboy magazine. She will pose again in 2009. Rinna explains she received direct orders from Playboy photographer Deborah Anderson, who also shot Rinna for the Room 23 book. "She said, 'I do not want you long and sinewy and angular and muscular. I want you soft,' " says Rinna. "This was really hard for me because being 45 years old and posing for Playboy, you want to amp it up," Rinna told People. [Wikipedia]

America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

How to Make A Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

Do any of our readers have kids that have asked them how they can put a baby in someone? (Wait, you people might have children-- that's frightening.)

If so, you can always show them this handy, cutesy, and mercifully short little video, after which your children will tell everyone they can get pregnant from a blow job.

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

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[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

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Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

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Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

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French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is about to lose his justice minister, the controversial Rachida Dati, who will leave a giant hole in the daily tabloids when she departs in June. (Dati, as you may recall, became a single mother at 42 and then caused an uproar when she attended a cabinet meeting five days later.)

Sarkozy realized France loves its female politicians, particularly much-discussed, attractive ones. So, his next Cabinet minister is going to be Christine Kelly, a woman "known for appearing in her bikini and appearing on TV..."

According to the Telegraph, Kelly was chosen because:

"Mr Sarkozy is hugely impressed that she is not only attractive, but in touch with the modern world,' said a source in the governing UMP party. Ed. Note: Notice he mentioned her looks first...

Yep, those are pretty much the extent of her qualifications, at least according to that story. Sarkozy is well on his way to becoming the next Silvio Berlusconi.

More about Kelly here, if the translation works.

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Does This Supermodel Look Fat To You?

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:59:00 GMT

It was Mother's Day in the UK yesterday-- we guess Britain's Hallmark division couldn't wait any longer.

PETA hired or acquired a trio of pregnant ladies in London to do their dirty work... and by dirty work, we mean the literal kind. PETA asked the women to remain in a small cage for an undetermined length of time, their only movements to be crawling around on all fours. We're guessing it's not really harmful to the unborn to do this, although isn't it utterly freezing in the UK this week?

Jamie Oliver was also attacked last week for supporting "inhumane" pig farming in the UK. PETA stated: "The answer to saving pigs is not to buy British pork, it's to go vegetarian."

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While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Is Brilliant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:02:00 GMT

Howard Stern is understandably upset that the media thinks he's involved in this Anna Nicole Smith debacle.

We're not thrilled about the cast of the upcoming Beat Generation movie, although at least James Franco is in it.

As of this writing, in the wee hours of the morning Texas time, we're not sure what Natasha Richardson's condition is.

Forced entrepreneurship: the buzzword/phrase of 2009.

While Usher's wife recovers from botched plastic surgery, the singer... parties with strippers.

A pregnant woman, busted for her 7th DWI, went straight to the bar after her hearing.

Joan Rivers talked dildos on the Today Show a few days ago.

Who knew that George W. Bush would become such an eloquent, respectable elder statesman?

We love Judge Judy more and more every day.

Wanted: 20 More Vadge Volunteers

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:39:00 GMT

We all had fun making fun of Bristol Palin and her baby daddy Levi Johnston during the election. Maybe even too much fun. But now that the couple's engagement has ended, teen weeks after their child was born, the New York Times asks, should we just leave Bristol Palin alone?

[It] speaks to the larger question of where the private becomes the public and whether, once the line is crossed, it is possible to go back....

Once the McCain-Palin ticket lost and the spotlight faded, so too, apparently, did the romance. The baby came along at the end of December and a wedding never materialized. Ms. Palin recently made a cheery statement that Mr. Johnston was a “hands-on” dad. But on Wednesday he confirmed to the Associated Press a Star magazine report that he and Ms. Palin mutually decided “a while ago” to call things off. They then moved on to public recriminations, with Ms. Palin issuing a statement suggesting that her former betrothed and his sister had been trying to “cash in” on the Palin name.

From [Kitty] Dukakis [who battled alcoholism] to Betty Ford, the families of politicians have watched their lives become tabloid fodder; some politicians, from Bill Clinton to former Senators John Edwards of North Carolina and Larry E. Craig of Idaho, have created the fodder themselves. In the past, when a campaign or term in office has ended, the families, at least, have been able to go back to their private lives. But that seems harder now in the 24/7 media culture and will probably be difficult for Ms. Palin, whose mother is still governor of Alaska and has hinted at a future run for national office.

It's not Bristol Palin's fault that she's getting all of this seemingly unwanted attention. But it's not necessarily the media's fault either. As Tina Fey as Sarah Palin said: “I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.”

[New York Times: Canceled Palin Wedding Becomes a Public Matter]

Related:

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

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Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

An Australian man has been sentenced to a mere eight years in prison for molesting his stepdaughter, who consented to be his love slave in a signed contract. The contract, which is totally illegal, of course, is just one of several bizarre twists in this agonizing, widely-publicized trial.

For starters, her mother was well aware of the goings-on...

The girl's mother, who, like the others involved in this case, remains unidentified, was sentenced to a mere six months in prison for encouraging the sixteen-year-old daughter to have a baby with the mother's own husband. The contract, which was partly her idea, called for the daughter to keep all the "baby bonuses," whatever those are. ("Having to wake up in the middle of the night all the time," "having to give birth to your stepfather's child and drop out of school"-- something along those lines?)

The woman talked her way out of a harsher sentence by claiming that she only wanted to have another child and because her two children have Hirschsprung's disease, the lovely couple decided to the sixteen-year-old girl should carry the kid. (Have these people ever heard of adoption or surrogate motherhood or sexual abuse laws?) The mother may or may not have known the real truth: that her husband had been molesting the girl since she was 12, which throws his whole pathetic argument out the window.

PS The contract at the top of this post is unrelated to the case, but you should really click on it for the larger pic.

You can read more about the conclusion of the court case here.

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Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Just in time for people to stop talking so much about the Rihanna-Chris Brown "incident" word is slowly spreading around the Interwebs that when Brown was (allegedly) beating his girlfriend, he may have also been harming the couple's unborn child.

Apparently, earlier this week Rihanna visisted a gynecologist at Ceadars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles only days before she was assaulted.

“She was extremely fidgety. She seemed totally uncomfortable,” an eyewitness at the doctor’s office told Star Magazine*.

An insider said that Rihanna was scared of how Brown would react to the news. “She was scared he would react badly,” said the source.

Rihanna is reported to have told friends after the beating: “All I could think was, ‘Oh, my God, I could lose the baby!’”

Sure, maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she found out her BF gave her some STD and he got angry when she confronted him and proceeded to beat the shit out of her?

[Inquisitr: New Rihanna Pregnant Rumors]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

Related:

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Leo's Girlfriend is a Sports Illustrated Cover Girl

AskMen's Top 99 Women

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Life in prison for consensual sex with a 16-year-old boy? That's a big WTF.

North Dakota fired another salvo in the war against the morning after pill and other "abortions": they passed a law stating that life begins at conception.

Speaking of conception, it's the reason a big celebrity couple recently broke up...

Hayden Panettiere's relationship with Milo Ventimiglia apparently wasn't strong enough to survive the always-fun pregnancy scare. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup." [The Superficial]

Here's a new way to keep paranoid tabs on your significant other: the Driving Activity Reporter, which tracks, maps, and saves your car's movement history.

Have you heard about the crazy cafeteria occupation at NYU? Two girls decided to take to the streets without their clothes on and Fleshbot has the pictures.

Rihanna has wisely decided to refrain from public comment about Chris Brown. Smart gal.

Two stories left over from earlier this week: the New York Times says women know when men are turned on because the smell of the man's sweat will change.

And, in men, "the part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples' emotions and wishes shut down after looking at [sexy bikini] pictures."

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Sloppy Seconds: Bristol Palin's New Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Hey, Scanner Brian: Hayden Panettiere is single again. [Us]

Think your man might be a closeted homo? Take this super-reliable, scientific quiz to find out for sure! [MyDailyMoment]

A book written early in J.R.R. Tolken's career is about to be published for the first time. [Yahoo!]

Suze Orman had only one wish on Valentine's Day: that gay marriage be legalized. [AfterEllen]

Bristol Palin would now like to be an advocate, um, like, against teen pregnancy. "I wish [getting pregnant] would happen in like 10 years so I could have a job and an education and be, like, prepared and have my own house and stuff. ... I hope that people learn from my story and just, I dunno, prevent teen pregnancy I guess." [Slate]

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

This Week in Gayness: How to Tell Your Boyfriend Is Closeted

[Image]

Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Gizmodo has been spending too much time on Google, trying to figure out what idiots and teenagers and idiot teenagers are looking up on the internet search engine. The results, if you're feeling lucky, are after the jump...

Our favorites, compiled by typing things like "How to" or "I have a large" into the search bar and noting what Google auotfills, are below:

5,310,000 pages from people asking or answering: How to get pregnant.
• 69,400,000 people asking How to make money.
• 32,600,000: How to get over someone.
• 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me.
• 841,000: I have a large cat in my pants.
• 3,300,000: I have a large uterus.
• 112,000: I hate a lovely bunch of coconuts.
• 3,160,000: Why do I fart so much.
• 528,000: Why do indians smell.
• 63,500,000: Why do I sleep so much.
• 680,000: Why do I have green poop.
• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 11,000,000: Why women have affairs.
• 36,500,000: Why women lie.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants).
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.
• Almost 800,000,000: Who do I vote for.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife [114 million people are nuts]

Some we found on our own:

why i hated breaking dawn - 326,000 hits (um... what is Breaking Dawn?)

why i have to live - 1,340,000,000

my teacher has a crush on me - 467,000

i still wet the bed - 5,860,000

And more Gizmodo...

• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 610,000: I have four sides, all opposite sides are parallel, I have no right angles. What am I.
• 126,000,000: When to say I love you.
• 2,730,000: Sleep is for sissies.
• 2,890,000: I smeel like poop.
• 1,400,000: I have a hard time swallowing.
• 338,000: I have a big bag of crabs here.
• 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge.

Read the rest here.

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

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10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant.

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor.

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

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Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:04:00 GMT

At the top of The View this morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck shared some very, very breaking news.

She's pregnant... again!

What's this, baby number 18 in three years or something? We can't believe she'd actually bring a baby into a world where a liberal Black man is president. But maybe she's trying to start her own little Ayran militia here in the States.

What are we saying? We're jerks. What we meant to say was: every baby is a blessing from God. Congratulations, Hasselbeck!

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

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Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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