Scanner : pregnant

While You Were Sleeping: Mad Men Getting Fired Up

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:53:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering decriminalizing marijuana altogether in California, possibly for budgetary reasons.

One of my celebrity crushes, Bebe Neuwirth, is now married.

Dumber-than-that-Carolina-contestant Miss California is in danger of losing her crown... or so they say.

Mad Men is back in production, with I Shot Andy Warhol's Jared Harris joining the cast for next season.

Gisele Bundchen may be pregnant.

We hate to admit it, but we can't get enough of the President and Vice President doing silly shit like driving to Virginia to eat at a hamburger place with the word "Hell" in its name.

Up until last night, we were in New Orleans, where this man is suing the police for one dollar over his right to wear a skirt in public.

Another reason for 50 Cent to goof on him: Rick Ross keeps his sunglasses on during sex.

And Jennifer Hudson and Rihanna both canceled shows.

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Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

Related:

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How to Make A Baby

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26-Year-Old Man With Body Of A Two-Year-Old... Inside Him (Not.)

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:51:00 GMT

Lisa Rinna doesn't need Hugh Hefner's money. The former Melrose Place and Days Of Our Lives star is quite content to do Broadway with her husband and the occasional season of Dancing With the Stars.

But she says she wanted to prove that her body is still great at nearly half a century. What do you think?

Rinna, who is married to actor Harry Hamlin, says her husband encouraged her to show off her body in this month's Playboy. The actress, who has had plastic surgery and botox, didn't need to think it over for too long. And the idea of doing a Mrs. Robinson-inspired shoot with her favorite photographer was icing on the cake:

In 1998, Rinna created a stir when she posed for a nude pictorial while six months pregnant in the September issue of Playboy magazine. She will pose again in 2009. Rinna explains she received direct orders from Playboy photographer Deborah Anderson, who also shot Rinna for the Room 23 book. "She said, 'I do not want you long and sinewy and angular and muscular. I want you soft,' " says Rinna. "This was really hard for me because being 45 years old and posing for Playboy, you want to amp it up," Rinna told People. [Wikipedia]

America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

How to Make A Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

Do any of our readers have kids that have asked them how they can put a baby in someone? (Wait, you people might have children-- that's frightening.)

If so, you can always show them this handy, cutesy, and mercifully short little video, after which your children will tell everyone they can get pregnant from a blow job.

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Smile, or You'll Get Divorced

While You Were Sleeping: Star Wars on TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:27:00 GMT

The CNN-Ashton Kutcher "race to a million" literally came down to the wire. Found out who won by clicking here.

The new Harry Potter movie has its first finished trailer.

This whole "we didn't know she pregnant" thing is catching on all over the world, with the latest outbreak spotted in Michigan.

How do Jack White fans keep track of all these bands he's in?

More Bloomberg jerky behavior.

Perry Mason is real!

Jennifer Jason Leigh joins the cast of Weeds-- officially establishing the Showtime show's cast as the best on television, hands down.

The world takeover of Britain's Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle is still in shock about her overnight fame.

The Senator who replaced Obama has raised... wait for it... $845 this quarter. Hell, I can raise that in one phone call.

Zac Efron wants to play Luke Skywalker on TV. Hey, don't laugh-- George Lucas has had far worse ideas AND executed them.

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Cloris Leachman Wears Only Cabbage for Her PETA Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

Related:

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The Rare Knocked Up Midge Doll

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 22:41:00 GMT

In all of Barbie's 50 years, why hasn't there ever been a pregnant Barb? There has, but it was Midge. (Barbie can get married, since there's bride Barbie and Sparkle Groom Ken, but then you must reset the play to dating mode.) And the pregnant Midge doll was controversial and pulled from the shelves. You know, because seeing a pregnant doll might encourage teen pregnancy.

(?)

Here's the zany toy-collecting guy Mike Mozart demonstrating how pregnant Midge gave birth.

Dude makes some perfectly valid points, but too bad he insists on using those infuriating zowie-boing sound effects and rim-shots every two seconds. And here he is showing off another controversial Barbie, one with a "tattoo stamper," an unfortunate phrase which he points out brings to mind the famous tramp stamp.

The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Rumormongering: Rihanna Gave Chris Brown Herpes

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:55:00 GMT

The drama surrounding Chris Brown and Rihanna continues. Amid reports that the on-again, off-again couple is taking a much-needed break, we hear that Brown had a "reason" to beat the hell out of his girlfriend—bitch gave him herpes! Or so says a "source close to Brown." A reason to break up with someone? Sure. Beat that person up? Hell no. Of course, tthe story gets better. Because if Rihanna gave Brown The Herp, who gave it to her?

Why, none other than Jay-Z!

This story is, of course, getting more ridiculous by the day. Next thing you know Beyonce and Rihanna are going to come forward with their lesbian love affair and Brown is going to turn up preggers on the Oprah show.

[The Inquisitr: Rihanna gave Chris Brown Herpes?]

Related:

Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

[Image, Image]

This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

An Australian man has been sentenced to a mere eight years in prison for molesting his stepdaughter, who consented to be his love slave in a signed contract. The contract, which is totally illegal, of course, is just one of several bizarre twists in this agonizing, widely-publicized trial.

For starters, her mother was well aware of the goings-on...

The girl's mother, who, like the others involved in this case, remains unidentified, was sentenced to a mere six months in prison for encouraging the sixteen-year-old daughter to have a baby with the mother's own husband. The contract, which was partly her idea, called for the daughter to keep all the "baby bonuses," whatever those are. ("Having to wake up in the middle of the night all the time," "having to give birth to your stepfather's child and drop out of school"-- something along those lines?)

The woman talked her way out of a harsher sentence by claiming that she only wanted to have another child and because her two children have Hirschsprung's disease, the lovely couple decided to the sixteen-year-old girl should carry the kid. (Have these people ever heard of adoption or surrogate motherhood or sexual abuse laws?) The mother may or may not have known the real truth: that her husband had been molesting the girl since she was 12, which throws his whole pathetic argument out the window.

PS The contract at the top of this post is unrelated to the case, but you should really click on it for the larger pic.

You can read more about the conclusion of the court case here.

Related:

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Just in time for people to stop talking so much about the Rihanna-Chris Brown "incident" word is slowly spreading around the Interwebs that when Brown was (allegedly) beating his girlfriend, he may have also been harming the couple's unborn child.

Apparently, earlier this week Rihanna visisted a gynecologist at Ceadars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles only days before she was assaulted.

“She was extremely fidgety. She seemed totally uncomfortable,” an eyewitness at the doctor’s office told Star Magazine*.

An insider said that Rihanna was scared of how Brown would react to the news. “She was scared he would react badly,” said the source.

Rihanna is reported to have told friends after the beating: “All I could think was, ‘Oh, my God, I could lose the baby!’”

Sure, maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she found out her BF gave her some STD and he got angry when she confronted him and proceeded to beat the shit out of her?

[Inquisitr: New Rihanna Pregnant Rumors]

[Image]

12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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Sloppy Seconds: M.I.A. Is the Most Badass Pregnant Woman on the Planet

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:58:00 GMT

We don't care what anyone says about Lily Allen, we love her. And we love that she's selling her album, "It's Not Me, It's You," for $3.99. [Yahoo!]

Remember Sheyla Hershey with the racist KKK bra size? Turns out her boobs are filled with an entire gallon of silicone. [APP]

Lux Interior, the lead singer of 80's punk band the Cramps, is dead at 62. [MTV]

Miley Cyrus is not racist. Mmmkay? [Us]

OMFG! One of the NKOTB is not 2 STR8. At least according to the National Enquirer. If it's true, we're not all that surprised. [Jossip]

M.I.A. proves she's more badass than all the badass pregnant ladies (ever) combined: the rapper is going to perform at the Grammys. On her due date. [People]

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[Image]

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

O No! O Magazine's Warning to Waxers

10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant.

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor.

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

Related:

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Woman Convicted For the Old "Smuggling a Monkey in Pregnant Belly" Routine

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:04:00 GMT

At the top of The View this morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck shared some very, very breaking news.

She's pregnant... again!

What's this, baby number 18 in three years or something? We can't believe she'd actually bring a baby into a world where a liberal Black man is president. But maybe she's trying to start her own little Ayran militia here in the States.

What are we saying? We're jerks. What we meant to say was: every baby is a blessing from God. Congratulations, Hasselbeck!

Related:

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Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

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Emily Farris — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:59:00 GMT

[Image]

Woman Pregnant for 60 Years, Totally Fine

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:59:00 GMT

When a 92-year-old Chinese woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain doctors were, uh, surprised to discover that she'd been pregnant for 60 years.

Huang Yijun suffered a (presumably late-term) miscarriage in 1948. When her doctors told her it would cost "more than the whole family earned in several years" to remove it, she decided to just leave it in there.

Dr Liu Anbin at Qingshen hospital said: "I couldn’t believe my eyes when I discovered she had a baby in her belly. I’ve been a doctor for more than 40 years and it’s the first time I have seen something like this."

That baby has been in her belly longer than he's been a doctor! Medics are now doing tests to determine if Huang needs an operation to remove the baby.

Consultant Xu Xianming, director of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department at the hospital, said, "Normally a dead foetus would decay. It’s very rare that Huang can be so healthy."

Um, yeah.

[The Sun: Pregnant for 60 years since 1948]

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

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Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

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Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:33:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were commenting on the VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) t-shirts blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel found and today we are pleased as punch to announce that our very own (well, ours, yours, Alaska's, Russia's) Sarah Palin is officially a GILF.

World, please welcome little baby Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, who, according to People was born a healthy 7 lbs. 7 oz. Saturday in Palmer, Alaska.

[People: Bristol Palin Welcomes a Son]

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

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[Image via Gawker]

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

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Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:41:00 GMT

A cure for AIDS? A black president? Pregnant men? The ability to put our own faces inside of our vaginas? Welcome to the future, baby.

Highs:

Did German doctors discover a cure for HIV? Or was it AIDS?

Speaking of the future, it is now possible to have our own face inside our own vagina.

The pregnant man is pregnant again... yay?

Scanner Brian and his cronies pulled a prank on New York.

Men, you can keep it up longer with a little help from a spray... as long as you don't mind the fact that you won't be able to feel your penis.

But post-menopausal women can now feel everything thanks to a new gel.

Didn't you know we like it from behind?

Lows:

We got in a fight with some Mormons over Proposition 8.... over Facebook.

We decided we're leaving New York.

Is this our future?

Either way, it's a damn good thing we wear cheap underwear.

Poor Lindsay Lohan is still confused about her sexuality.

Feet. Gross.

We debated the attractiveness of certain celebrities.

Oh, and we lost the Obama interview to 60 Minutes.

Sloppy Seconds: How Did DJ A.M. and Travis Barker Survive Their Plane Crash?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Chef Jamie Oliver (probably known as the Naked Chef) is expecting his third child with wife, Jools. [Us]

Following in the footsteps of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Steven Spielberg and his wife, Kate Capshaw, have donated $100,000 to fight a California referendum seeking to ban gay marriage. [Yahoo!]

It's probably a safe bet not letting Sarah Palin anywhere near reporters while she's unscripted, right? [Radar]

We can safely say this is the worst bumper sticker we've ever seen. Even worse than the pro-George Bush stickers. Promise. And, uh, as Perez Hilton would say, don't click if you're easily offended. [Queerty]

If you had to choose between life behind bars and life with Amy Winehouse, which would you choose? Which did her hubby choose? [MollyGood]

So how is it that two celebrities survived a plane crash that four other people died in? Quick thinking, along the lines of stop, drop and roll. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: You, Like Us, May Think This Picture of O.J. Simpson in a Courtroom is from the 90's, It is Not

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

A bottled-water company in New York is now selling bottled water called Tap'dNY. And it's actually tap water from New York—which is actually great. [Tap'dNY]

Britney Spears will release her new album Circus on December 2, her 27th birthday. [MTV]

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to David Otunga, most famous for competing for New York's affections on the reality show I Love New York 2. Good luck with that, kids. [Stereohyped]

Eva Longoria Parker is not pregnant, "she's just fat," her co-stars say. We think that if she were really "just fat" they wouldn't be throwing the term "fat" around so easily, even if it is just for a role. But really, we don't care that much. [People]

Sarah Palin thought Tina Fey's impression of her was "quite funny" especially because Palin once dressed up as Fey for Halloween. [CBS]

Welcome to the nineties. O.J. Simpson is on trial yet again. But this time there will be no black gloves.. or so we imagine. [Yahoo!]

Jessica Alba Finally Pops Out a Baby

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:49:00 GMT

Is it us, or did it seem like Jessica Alba was pregnant for-evah? No more, boys and girls. She finally popped the thing out on Saturday. So everyone please give a warm welcome to...

... little Honor Marie Warren.

No wonder Alba and her long-time boyfriend Cash Warren ran off and got married last month. You can't name a bastard child Honor, now can you?

[FameCrawler: Jessica Alba Names Her Baby!]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Alba Did What?

Have You Seen Jessica Alba's Rack, er Belly, Lately?

Which Co-Star Was Afraid of Jessica Alba's Naked Body Before She Was Pregnant?

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Jessica Alba's Pregnant -- And Babble Totally Called It

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:12:00 GMT

For the first time. An exclusive. A world premiere event.

Minnie Driver, at six months pregnant and due this summer, has so far refused to reveal the name of her baby's father, but has dropped enough clues that our state of the art investigation network (i.e. Google) has cracked her secret code...

The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her "baby daddy" are that he is English, and "sort of in the same business," and that they have evaded detection because "he's really busy, like me." [Independent UK]

Hmm... he is "sort of" in the same business... no, Danny Molder is taken, ruling out any possibility he could be on the other side of the camera. So, he's an actor. We rule out any other logical possibilities (like the fact that she's a musician as well, so he could be involved in music.)

"He is English." Ian McKellan? Impossible. Patrick Stewart? Nope. Blake Fielder-Civil? Unusual, but very probable. Seriously, she just narrowed it down to two people-- and Daniel Radcliffe was probably not even legal yet, so that rules him out. Nope, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one more remaining candidate... someone you all know and love... someone who is an admitted lesbian... well, a lesbian in the form of a straight man who wears drag and sleeps exclusively with women... someone who is so powerful and dangerous that Minnie Driver dare not speakest his name... the next British Prime Minister...

Yes, Eddie Izzard. We're pretty sure. Although if we're wrong, well just change this post and insert the correct male person's headshot here... or just paste it over Eddie's face. Either way, you heard it here first.