Scanner : presidents

Oil Paintings of F*cking US Presidents

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:28:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: There are almost no words one can use to describe this series, where artist Justine Lai painted herself having sex with every US President. She's painting the series in order, so she's only up to Ulysses S. Grant right now. But I bet that's more Presidents than you've banged.

Check out plenty more, TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK paintings:

Read more...

Famous Last Words

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:20:00 GMT

Why is it that celebrities are able to muster more creative energy than they've had in years to consistently utter their unforgettable last words?

Take, for example, the curious case of Dylan Thomas, poet, raconteur, and mainly raconteur who drank himself to death via shots of whiskey at New York City's White Horse Tavern before staggering back to the Chelsea Hotel, more than a dozen blocks later, and collapsing in its now-famous lobby. His immortal last words?

"Eighteen whiskeys... that must be some sort of a record."

Of course, the reason that all these famous last words are so, well, famous is that they are exaggerated and that the circumstances surrounding them are mostly unsubstantiated myths.

Here's what really happened to Dylan Thomas... according to Wikipedia, of course:

Thomas.. said that we was feeling awful and asked to take a "rain-check". He did however accompany Liz to the White Horse for a few beers. Feeling sick he again returned to the hotel.

[Dr.] Feltenstein came to see him three times that day, on the third call prescribing morphine. This seriously affected Dylan's breathing. At midnight on November 4/5, his breathing became more difficult and his face turned blue.

By 1:58 am Thomas had been admitted to the emergency ward at nearby St Vincent’s, by which time he was profoundly comatose. The doctors on duty found bronchitis in all parts of his bronchial tree, both left and right sides. An X-ray showed pneumonia... and Thomas died on November 9.

Here's where the myths started:

During an incident on 3 November 1953, Thomas returned to the Chelsea Hotel in New York, from the White Horse Tavern and exclaimed, "I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that is a record." However, the barman and the owner of the pub who served Thomas at the time, later told Ruthven Todd, that Thomas couldn't have imbibed more than half that amount, after Todd decided to find out.

Despite shattering that myth, here's a set of famous last words that have stood the test of time. If we're half this witty when the time comes, we must've done something right in life:

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-Beethoven, died in 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-Bogart, 1957

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa, 1923
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward. You are only going to kill a man.
-Ernesto "Che" Guevara, 1967
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-P.T. Barnum, 1891
Codeine . . . bourbon.
-Tallulah Bankhead, 1968
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-Oscar Wilde, 1900

But our favorite famous last words are those of former US President John Adams, who died on July 4, 1826. His bitter rivalry with Thomas Jefferson (the POTUS #3 to his POTUS #2) continued to his dying day, upon which Adams muttered, "And Thomas Jefferson still survives." As it turns out, Jefferson had actually died earlier that day, but Adams did not learn this before passing on.

Jefferson's last words? "Is it the Fourth?"

Related:

The Greatest Dive Bars: The White Horse Tavern

Who Would You Rather: Founding Fathers Edition

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Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

My fellow Americans, I have only had one Presidential-themed encounter personally, but I'm going to share my mom's anecdote and my dad's half-one as well. It's a Kanes' Brushes With Presidential Fame Extravaganza.

Picture it: Central Jersey, nineteen eighty something. My moms was driving along route 287 when a high-end foreign car (she forgets the make now, but guesses BMW) took a swerve towards my mom's mustard-colored Volvo station wagon. Mom looked over at the driver, who was rummaging for something on the dashboard, and was startled to recognize one of the most iconic faces of her lifetime looking back.

It was Jackie O! She lived in some ritzy part of the Jerse at the time, possibly Pluckemin, although that factoid is now hazy in my parents' memories as well. They met eyes, and Jackie did a little "oops, sorry" wave. Then my mom and John John's mom happened to get off at the same exit, and happened to end up at the same strip mall. (Nobody was stalking anybody, so lay off.) Jackie was heading to the dry cleaners, noticed my mom's car as the one she'd swerved at earlier, and waved over to her. She was maybe not the greatest driver, but no one could deny the lady's grace.

It must have been the early 80s, because I was young enough that I didn't know who Jackie O was, but I remember how thrilled my mom was telling the story to everyone. Another time, my dad stood behind Jackie on line when she was buying cigarettes, but he didn't get any Presidential waves. I did though, years later. Here's my encounter, as told when I was interviewed on Gothamist.

A few days after September 11th, a few friends and I made it into the sealed-off downtown area to try to volunteer at one of the hospitals. We ended up sitting in a waiting room for hours, not being of any help to anyone. The whole front glass wall of the waiting room was covered with missing-person fliers. While waiting there I saw, on the fuzzy local TV news (all the TV towers had been knocked out, remember) President Bush boarding a small plane to come to New York. That’s right, that goon is President, I was reminded again. Finally we gave up waiting around to help and headed out. I peeled a scrap of paper from a car that was covered in that damp, gray-white dust that was made up of the collapsed buildings and humanity and planes. It said “Appendix,” and I kept it in my pocket. As we walked uptown we were stopped by a cop, on a corner across the street from City Hall. All pedestrian traffic was stopped on all corners at that intersection, though we weren’t told why. Finally a succession of black SUVs and other Secret Service vehicles with tinted glass came around the corner heading down to Ground Zero…it was the Presidential motorcade. New Yorkers on each corner of the intersection stood silent as the motorcade slowly proceeded by, then we saw President Bush’s grinning monkey face at one window, and he waved and gave us the thumbs up. The fucking thumbs up?! Was he joking? Nobody waved back, cheered, booed, or said much of anything, really. It was just like, Holy shit; that was the President. It was just another odd sight to an already stunned populace at one of the most unreal times ever.

Kind of a bum note to end on...but then just remember OBAMA!

USA!

Happy Presidents' Day, everyone.

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George W. Bush: Master of Disaster

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

Oh boy... all right, tell us... what did Turd Brain say this time?

The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.
Mr Bush, whose second and final term as President ends at the end of the year, then left the meeting at the Windsor Hotel in Hokkaido where the leaders of the world's richest nations had been discussing new targets to cut carbon emissions.

Ah, this guy is the Master of Satire. Oh wait, he wasn't being satirical-- he's just writing every Daily Show lead-in without even trying. Remember this classic, from '04?

One pictured Mr Bush looking under a piece of furniture in the Oval Office, at which the president remarked: "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere."
After another one, showing him scouring the corner of a room, Mr Bush said: "No, no weapons over there," he said.
And as a third picture, this time showing him leaning over, appeared on the screen the president was heard to say: "Maybe under here?"

Keep it up, Bushie, just don't tell a joke of this style ~~at a soldier's funeral~~ or anything. Whoops! [Blacked out by the Pentagon. - Ed.]

Via the Telegraph.

Guess Which US President Is Getting a Sewage Treatment Plant Named After Him...

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Hint: It's not Bill Clinton.

That's right, there's a campaign in San Francisco to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after George W. Bush when he leaves office. A group called the Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco is circulating a petition to have the issue voted on during November elections. The fact that people have taken the time to collect 12,00 signatures supporting this name change is a perfect reason to both love and hate San Francisco. But it seems like the treatment plant will be more socially and environmentally beneficial than its namesake ever was.

Bush: Me Like Book, Me Write Book

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:50:00 GMT

See, no one is going to give this incompetent ass, a born follower, a high-powered position in the private sector when he's finally, finally out of office. Okay, maybe Halliburton will hook him up. In any case, he hemorrhages money like I'm hemorrhaging brain cells after a night of birthday drinking. George Bush knows he'll have to make a quick killing when he leaves the White House, or else he's going to end up a dopey old pauper like Harry Truman, who was so poor Congress made a law saying ex-Presidents were not allowed to be poor again.

"I seriously don't watch TV. You know, I watch sports, but I'd much rather read books. And I do. I read a lot," he said according to a transcript released by the White House.

Name one, dumbo, and "My Pet Goat" and the funny pages don't count. Curiously, George continues to press on with this fool's errand-- the writing of his memoirs, that is. You think it might sound something like a book (ghost)written by Rudy Guiliani? (Imagine Jon Stewart doing George Bush doing the audio book when you read the below...)

It was 9/11. September. September the 11th. It was a cold, cold day in New York. And DC. I had been on vacation, but don't tell anyone that. I was in a school. In Florida, showing off my communications skills. To all the kids. I wasn't worried. I knew everyone in my Administration. Was going after Osama Bin Laden. We were gonna catch him. And then the first ~~bombs~~ planes hit the Twelve Towers. And then I leaped in front of the one trying to blow up the White House, and I took it down with my bare hands. Amen.

In other words, it will be filled with choppy sentences, unfinished thoughts, grammatical and spelling mistakes, and incredible lies. But, of course, the media will champion it as some sort of "redemption" and call it a "heartwarming narrative." Whimps.

Via Yahoo!/Reuters.

Caption This: George Bush Chest Bump

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

George Bush gave a cadet a chest bump at a Colorado Air Force graduation ceremony last week. Hopefully, none of the AWOL President's ethics and commitment to this country will rub off...

Via Strollerderby and Profiles Blog.

Shocker: Bill Clinton Has Extramarital Affairs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:41:00 GMT

We haven't heard from the President of the United States in a while. (No, not including George Bush-- the person last elected President was Bill Clinton.) While his wife is wrapping up her campaign with a final 24 hour push, concluding sometime around midnight this evening, Bill himself has been plenty busy. Busy getting busy, that is, at least according to anonymous sources and speculation on Defamer, via Vanity Fair.

[F]our former Clinton aides told me that, about 18 months ago, one of the president's former assistants, who still advises him on political matters, had heard so many complaints about such reports from Clinton supporters around the country that he felt compelled to try... an "intervention..."

"Clinton was apparently seeing a lot of women on the road."

One of those women was apparently the Los Angeles-based star of one of Nerve's top sex scenes, and the hottest lesbian one this side of Mulholland Drive...

If you guessed Gina Gershon, star of "Bound," then congratulations. If your name is Bill Clinton, mucho congratulations on that, you lucky bastard.

[A] certain "Air Fuck One" [or “Ron Air,” as Clinton calls Ron Burkle's jet] voyage yielded an especially persistent rumor about a donor meeting, so to speak, between Clinton and Gershon — and we hear she gave him a lot more than a check. [Other rumored companions include] Belinda Stronach, a twice-divorced billionaire auto-parts heiress and member of the Canadian Parliament 20 years his junior... a female friend in Chappaqua, a woman in a bar at a meeting of the Aspen Institute, and a public sighting of Clinton, [billionaire Steve] Bing, and a ravishing entourage in a New York elevator that, a former Clinton aide told me, led a business leader who saw them to say: I don’t know what the guy was doing, but it was so clear that it was just no good.

Wait, does this mean the Republican Party can bring Bill Clinton up on charges of prostitution? What a stud...

Via Vanity Fair.