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PapSmeared: Brooke Hogan Spends Daddy's Money on More Stuff She Doesn't Need

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:21:00 GMT

Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali Are Costars in Randomness

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:20:00 GMT

This is a promo for the television show Spain... On The Road Again starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Mario Batali, Mark Bittman, and Claudia Bassols. Yes, that's correct, it stars Food Network celebrity chef Mario Batali, NY Times celebrity food writer Mark Bittman, and who else but the lily white angel of music Gwyneth Paltrow.

God, what a weird rat pack piled into a Mercedes convertible. We imagine eating with Batali pretty awesome despite having to look at his bright orange Crocs and we're suprised that Gwyneth can speak Spanish, but how the hell is this a show?

We have an idea for a show: Nicole and her dog take walks around Brooklyn and eat sandwiches and he barks at strangers while Nicole sometimes forgets to brush her hair. What do you think? Great! Now give Nicole a Mercedes, she'll be sure the hood ornament features prominently in all driving sequences.

Our Advice to Indian Reality TV Contestants? Don't Be on Indian Reality TV.

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The BBC reported today that three employees of an event management firm in India were arrested for putting someone's life in danger. They had organized a reality show where contestants attempt to stay under water for as long as possible, and one 22-year-old collapsed and is currently hospitalized in "serious condition."

The contest took place at a "shopping mall in Indore on Sunday to publicise a new reality TV show "Khatron Ke Khiladi" [Dare devils]."

There was no doctor or paramedic in the shopping mall at the time of the accident.

Ah, reality TV recklessness. All this from the country that brought you Bathroom Singer. A singing competition show that takes place in a bathroom. The worst performer of the week has to sing in the shower.

Because There Is No "We" in Reality TV--"I'm Not Here to Make Friends" Montage

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:55:00 GMT

You've heard the phrase "I'm not here to make friends" before, but did you realize how many times??

In this video, the phrase "I'm not here to make friends" goes from bratty reality show revelation, to full on genre-defining cliche. What an entertaining trip down memory road. We tried to look away, we couldn't, we are not YouTubing clips from Flavor of Love and sharpening our fingernails.

Sloppy Seconds: Could We Possibly Love Steve Carell Any More? Yes, Actually.

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Reality TV stars are not there to make friends. Got it? [YouTube]

The first bit of Madonna's brother's tell-all book has been leaked, and apparently she once kissed Gwyneth Paltrow on the lips. Somebody call the gay police! [Us]

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have ended their year-long relationship. Luckily, they'll have some downtime before they constantly run into each other at the "He's Just Not That Into You" premieres in February. [Yahoo!]

Criminals covered in barbeque sauce. Best band name ever or best part of a news story? [WBAY]

Is it possible that Americans are not the most obnoxious tourists in the world? [TIME]

We continue to love Lilo and Sam Ronson's love. [MollyGood]

As if anything could make us love Steve Carell more than we already do (no not the stubble, we just found that picture), he defended the honor of one Miss Anne Hathaway on the red carpet. [People]

It's Always the Unsuspecting Girls Who Turn Out to be Crazy Christians

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:01:00 GMT

And by "unsuspecting" we mean skanky attention whores.

We don't really have anything against Christians. Or skanky attention whores for that matter. Without them, what would we write about? It's the combination of Christian and skanky attention whore that bothers us...

...which is why we're bothered by the fact that Heidi Montag — of The Hills and cat fight fame — wants to make a Christian album.

Montag, who apparently identifies as a "non-denominational Baptist," told Us "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

The most religious person? That's, like, totally awesome. And by awesome we mean like God. Because God can help her out of sticky situations. When asked about the fact that she may or may not have spread sex tape rumors about Hills co-star Lauren Conrad, Montag replied, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Wow, we can't believe we didn't see the similarities between Montag and Jesus before. We are not worthy, Heidi.

[Us: Heidi Montag: I Want to Record a Christian Album]

Related:

Heidi Montag: When Any Attention Is Better Than No Attention

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

Sloppy Seconds: Fox News on "The Secret" to Great Sex, R. Kelly's Erotic Jungle Fantasty and Heidi Montag and Her Belly Ring in Maxim

What Do We Think About Britain's Missing Top Model?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Our first reaction was three words: a new low. But the more we think about the BBC's latest model reality show, premiering Tuesday night, the more we think it may be a largely positive idea...

The show, which is obviously a takeoff of America's Next Top Model, is unfortunately called Britain's Missing Top Model, which you would think means it's a detective show with the English version of Hayden Panettiere or something. Nope-- instead, it features

a woman whose arm was severed in a bus crash, another who is profoundly deaf and an aspiring film director who suffers from a degenerative neuro-muscular disorder, which means she is largely confined to a wheelchair. [News.com.au]

Great, promoting disability awareness by putting the cattiest girls alive in one apartment together? Once again, our assumptions seem to be incorrect:

Anyway, the title’s not the only baffling element of Britain’s Missing Top Model. To be frank, Britain’s Missing Top Model is a mess, and it all boils down to one, elemental problem: no lunatic sassy bitches. [Times UK]

Apparently, the producers put together mature, thoughtful, good-looking disabled women for the show-- there's no fighting or other fake drama on this show. Even so, are the producers still exploiting them for profit in the cruelest way or actually trying to have a decent reality show that presents the disabled in a positive light (i.e. "we can be cool and good looking, too" or whatever)?

What do you think?

"Girlicious," Unfortunately Coming to a Television Near You

Emily Farris — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:51:00 GMT

Last time we checked, the Pussycat Dolls were going to Singapore. But apparently it was only in our minds that they were staying there.

The skankalicious girl group—more famous for embarassing our gender than for singing or dancing—is back with plans to form a spinoff group and another TV show, "Girlicious." Much like the search for "The Next Pussycat Doll," which was unfortunately on the air waves for all to see, "Girlicious" is hosted by that guy from Sugar Ray and manly woman Robin Antin.

You know how it goes, fifteen girls with bleached-out hair and fake tans wear skimpy clothes and dance and sing until...

"At the end of the ten-episode series, dreams become reality when the brand new group Girlicious is formed and immediately record an album, film a music video, go on tour and earn a record contract."

Wasn't this kind-of crap supposed to end with the writers' strike? We don't know what's worse: that is is actually happening or that we learned about it on Facebook.

If you're interested, it's on the CW tonight at 9/8C.