Scanner : rednecks

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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Gay Marriage: God Is Gonna Getcha... Claim Scary Freaks

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Since I, Scanner Brian, originally hail from the Connecticut farm country, I have been watching with great interest as the rural rednecks, the city bigots, and the pro-gay holdouts react to the decision last week to allow homosexual marriages in the state...

Suffice it to say, so far, the victors have received no free ride...

From the Hartford Courant, which, in the interest of full disclosure, I wrote for from 1996 to 1999, here are two letters to the editor:

The state Supreme Court decision recognizing same-sex marriage in Connecticut [Page 1, Oct. 11, "Free To Wed"] is above all a victory for religious freedom.

Finally, the United Church of Christ, Unitarian, Episcopalian and other churches and religions that perform marriages for gay, lesbian and bisexual couples have the dignity, freedom and equality they deserve.

The government never should have been in the marriage business in the first place. This ruling puts marriage back where it belongs. Now each church can decide for itself!

Sara Ferah, Hartford

Two days in a row we have this front-page splash on the passage of gay marriage and all the elation and celebration. Do not forget, however, that this will not have a happy ending.

God is the creator of happy endings and he will have the last word, not the judges or politicians. When he acts, and that day is coming very quickly, it will make 9/11 and the economic crisis look like a walk in the park.

We, as a nation, have turned away from him and trampled on his commandments for too long.

Helen Ryan, Enfield

There is so much funny here that we won't even bother, but we do have to ask: when are these religious yahoos going to get it? People have been saying for thousands of years that "that day is coming very quickly" and that "the end is near" and yada yada yada... and nothing has come of it. Time to get with reality, folks.

(P.S.: Lee Bolin of the LGBT Caucus responds with kind of a cheap shot: [A hypothetical third letter: Dear Helen: I thought I'd be neighborly and let you know that some drunk has hacked into your e-mail account and is sending out crazy stuff in your name. -- LB])

Image via Flickr. Letters via the Courant.

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Fauxmosexuals Ruining It For Everyone Else

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Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Scanner reader and Debonair Magazine writer John De Feo alerted us to this very interesting survey of global sex trends.

Did you know more people are Googling for lesbian sex in Louisville than in any other US city? Well, at least on the internet.

Among the article's most interesting findings:

Lesbian Sex

Average Daily Search Volume – 56,024
Most Popular In - Prague, Czech Republic
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

TEEN SEX:

Average Daily Search Volume – 54,139
Most Popular In - Delhi, India
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

Again, Czech Republic leads in several worldwide findings, including Anal Sex, Hardcore Sex, and Gay Sex, while Louisville also leads statewide in Gay Sex. (Virgina, meanwhile, has the most people looking for Anal and Animal Sex, although not necessarily in the same search bar)

Several cities in India are on the board, all of them for web-based bestiality hunts: Horse Sex and Dog Sex. Yum.

Check out the rest of his preliminary findings here.

Google Thinks You're All Perverts

McCain To Find His VP On Google

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Where's Our Invitation To The Waffle House Wedding?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:41:00 GMT

Like cutting room floor footage from a Werner Herzog film, there was a wedding in the Dacula, Georgia Waffle House parking lot. While we realize we never got around to reporting on this a few weeks back, we now have a valid reason for bringing it up again:

Photographic evidence...

The lucky couple, George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian - both 23 and employees at the Dacula diner located at the Ga. Highway 316/U.S. Highway 29 interchange - wouldn't have it any other way.

For years, the couple tried to marry on their Independence Day anniversary. But the bride was always scheduled to work. Instead of waiting any longer - she got the day off at the last minute; Mathis had to report for the morning shift - the couple of nine years decided to seal the deal at work.

The result was what a NASCAR tailgate might be like if Hank Jr. himself stopped by with all his rowdy friends: Loud and proud - country music, storytelling and plenty of Dale Earnhardt paraphernalia - and not an iota of pretentiousness.

That's true love, folks-- you don't care where you get married, so long as it's ASAP.

God bless ya Pamela and, uh, Bubba.

Via the Associated Press Video site.

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Guess we shouldn't have let our subscription to Truck and Crazy Ass Redneck Driver lapse, because apparently some folks like to hang plastic nutsacks off the backs of their pickup trucks -- and this is the first that we've heard about it!

Our Bulls Balls are the Original Truck Nuts on the Internet.
These Classic Bulls Balls and Big Boy Nuts styles can be mounted any way you wish.
Our Hitch Hanger Assembly is an available option. Order below for easy hanging on both styles.

Mounted any way we wish? SOLD!

Actually, not everyone's as hot for these things as much as we are. Take Virginia resident Lionel Spruill, for instance. Spruill happens to be a State Delegate, and his most recent delegatin' move has been to introduce a law which would ban replica testicles from the backs of automobiles, claiming it's a safety hazard. Said the AP: "Spruill, a Democrat from Portsmouth, would make display of the ornamentation on a motor vehicle a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum fine of $250." A-ha! Saving the rear-end ball swinging for those horse-and-carriage-riding fatcats in Colonial Williamsburg, eh?