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While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson's Mistresses

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:31:00 GMT

Why are there snakes on this motherfuckin' plane?

Child labor is real and undeniably so after these photographs.

A woman turned the tables on a man who tried to rob her: she made him her sex slave.

Hey that woman from the Dominos story turns out to be a sex offender.

Will Ferrell did Man Vs. Wild.

The stupidest quote of the year is officially Hulk Hogan saying he "totally understands OJ."

Another reason to not get implants: the doctor might be using veterinary equipment.

Rush Limbaugh's ten dumbest quotes. How ever did they narrow it down? How ever did they listen to it long enough to hear all these?

And the Mel Gibson mistresses are starting to come out of the works.

American Woman: The Presidential Mistress

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

CNN looks at one convicted murderer's life after DNA vindication.

The Obamas announced what kind of puppy they're going to get. My, they are drawing this out like a Stephen King serial novel, aren't they?

High School Fight Club didn't turn out to be as funny as the movie.

A New Jersey beauty queen was arrested for counterfeiting... beware the frightening pictures of the other two culprits!

Was this a brilliant bank robbery or what? Let's hope there's a movie in the works.

Ryanair hates bloggers... although, in the company's defense, they do have their reasons.

Anna Paquin is dating her True Blood co-star.

That awesome fake vintage video game in The Wrestler? It's real... unfortunately, it's not for sale... yet.

And does this Leonard Cohen "poem" in the New Yorker mean he's working on new songs?

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

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While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

Careful when you decide to beat up a guy caught robbing someone's purse-- he may have been in the right.

Morrissey is butt naked!

The Flight of the Conchords are going on tour.

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While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

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Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Here's your dumb criminals of the month: not only were they caught preparing for the robbery, chased out of the targeted store by a woman with a flyswatter, but after being tackled by a random security guard who was on to them before they even put on their "masks," one of them realized his Mom was one of the gawking bystanders.

The weirdness continues below...

1) Herman Sakaria, a local security guard, was heading toward his car when he noticed two sixteen-year-old males covering over their license plate. Sensing something was up, he lurked in the shadows and watched as the youths put plastic bags over their faces (!) and pulled out steak knives.

2) The youths ran into a store and demanded cash. For some reason, Stuff.co.nz's version of the story insists upon describing the store's proprietors as a "a Korean man and woman" (while, at the same time, ignoring the ethnicities of the culprits and their captor, depicted above in a censored photo taken by an onlooker.)

3) The shopkeepers chased the kids out without using a weapon, apparently, although the woman did beat one of the kids with... a flyswatter. Meanwhile, Sakaria was waiting for the robbers and tackled them as they left the premises.

4) Sakaria held the boys down until police arrived (in America, the story would've gone: "he eventually was forced to release the boys after twenty minutes because the police hadn't respond to the 9-1-1 call, assuming someone had dialed it at all.") While one of the boys was moaning and groaning under the guard's knee, he looked up and noticed a woman walking by. "Oh shit," he said, "There's my mum."

5) The boys could received up to 14 years in prison apiece.

Coda) The bizarrely-written story concludes:

"Police say the incident is a reminder for Rodney residents to batten down the hatches during the Christmas and holiday period to divert potential robberies and burglaries."

A reminder based on what? This incident, which closer to theater than crime, is a reminder that someone might burglarize our apartments? Whatever you say, coppers...

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Adorable Cat Wants To Rob You Blind

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

Frankie is a two-year-old black cat (oh, God, don't start in on that superstitious shit) in Swindon, England who has a collection of stolen goods to rival your average celebrity garbologist.

The Daily Telegraph reports on this strange phenom:

Julie, 52, said: 'Frankie looks very pleased with himself when he comes in with these presents.
'He's been going out of the house and coming back with all these toys for pretty much as long as he's been allowed out.

'They're all soft toys for cats I think. About 15 of them are all the same leopard. He doesn't really play with them. He dumps them down and goes out looking for something else.'

In the past year alone Frankie's haul has included teddy bears, leopards and a giant squeaky beefburger.
Now Julie has plastered her home town of Swindon with posters to try and trace the rightful owners.

Seeing as how we're guilty of this ourselves, we'd place top dollar on the idea that all these "stolen goods" are actually gifts from neighbors currying favor with the cute lil' puss.

Via the Telegraph.

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Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:23:00 GMT

The Frisky points us to a study that determined that Playboy Playmates get "older, heavier, and taller" in these, um, lean times.

Tom Jones spent the day busking for charity. Unfortunately, he would have raised more money by auctioning off a pair of tighty-whities.

Our hero of the day: a woman was robbed of the purse containing her green card. At the risk of great personal safety, she did what again?

A feisty Harlem woman turned the tables on three subway muggers, chasing down two of the thugs while snatching back her purse - because it had her green card in it, cops said yesterday.
As she continued to grab at the muggers, they decided they had enough. One of them begged Conde to let go of his accomplice.

"Leave him alone!" the thug cried out. "He's my friend!"

The gang gave up and ran away, leaving the purse on the ground. [NY Post]

Speaking of dumb robbers, this guy may be the dumbest ever: he robbed a convenience store, his stolen getaway vehicle broke down, and the taxi took him right back to where he started, where he was promptly arrested.

If you have sex with a prostitute who was human trafficked to the U.K., you could be charged with rape under a new law. Quite rightly: if a guy knows a hooker is being held against her will, he should do serious hard time. Didn't you guys ever see Lilya-4-Ever?

And as the world readies for the imminent release of Chinese Democracy, MTV looks back at Axl's finest hours.

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Armed Robber In Wheelchair Going To Have A Blast Tonight

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:38:00 GMT

An armed man in a wheelchair robbed his local convenience store in Dallas the other night. (We know it's his local store because, as witnesses noted, he's in there "stealing" and bothering employees on a near-daily basis.)

But it's not the fact that he is in a wheelchair that makes this story so memorable... because, hey, the disabled can be criminals, too!

"All the elements of this offense are a little out of the ordinary. However, it was a robbery, because he was wielding that bat and actually swung toward the clerk," Dallas Police Department Sr. Cpl. Kevin Janse said. "And he hit the cash register several times."

Out of the ordinary is putting it mildly, Cap'n. What struck us most was what this guy thought it was necessary to incriminate himself for (as, again, everybody in the store knew who he was, so it's not like he could've expected to get away with the robbery):

The robber threatened the clerk before taking off with condoms and energy drinks, police said.

Energy drinks and condoms! All you need for your Friday night o' fun...

Via MyFox.

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