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Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion One Horny Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Did any of our Bay Area readers attend the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon last week? We would've been there, but we were too busy getting laid-- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Seriously, some guy named Masanobu Sato shattered his previous record for longest solo jerk at the annual event, with a cringe-inducing total of...

9 hours and 58 minutes. Dude, what, nine hours was fine, but you couldn't handle moving into the double digits? Sato spoke with San Francisco Weekly to explain just how the hell someone has a ten hour boner without 100mg's of Viagra...

The Snitch: What was the secret to you going for nearly 10 hours?

Sato: "My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed."

There you have it gents-- the reason you're only able to last 30 seconds, even when picturing members of The View in your head, is because you're not working out enough.

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Were you exhausted afterward?

"Definitely. I was so exhausted that I couldn't get up on time next day when I was supposed to go to airport to go back to Japan. Luckily, I didn't miss the flight though."

Did you ever have an orgasm?"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

By the way, TENGAs are a sex toy shop that's being promoted by the champion wanksta... in case you can't read his shirt.

Sato goes on to mention a World Championship this month in Copenhagen (road trip!) and ends with these unforgettable words:

I'm very happy that my family understands me well. Ordinary families in Japan don't do so. I wonder how US families are like....

Are you kidding me? Every Mom and Dad in America thinks their unmarried children are all virgins who don't even know what masturbation means...

Read the rest of the interview and see photos from the event here.

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

While You Were Sleeping: Bartering Sex for Debt Reduction

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Kelis is divorcing Nas, even though she's seven month's pregnant with his baby.

If you're (still) a Tori Amos fan, get her new single via free download.

Ladies, you should (apparently) be washing your bras more than every-other-month, okay?

The world's oldest Benedictine month finally got bored of this world at the age of 108.

Milla Jovovich's nude past has been unearthed. Again.

A male lawyer who let his female client work off her debt to him via sex has been disbarred.

How nice it must be to be the son of two celebrities: Redmond O'Neil will not have to go to jail for heroin possession, DUIs, and other charges.
There's a two-year-old girl in Mensa, thanks to her 156 IQ.

And Gavin Newsom's wife's porno (we wish it was really a porno instead of a B-movie with some chaste sex scenes) is back in the news again thanks to the SF Mayor's Gubernatorial run.

Related:

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Masturbation Month starts on Friday and one event this weekend promises to raise national awareness, at least via sex blogs, of this very important occasion.

By the way, it's not too late to become a Featured Masturbater yourself...

JOIN the 2009 Masturbate-a-thon!

3PM, Saturday, May 2nd
The Center for Sex & Culture
1519 Mission St., San Francisco
(Between S. Van Ness & 11th)
Order Your Voyeur Audience Tickets Now!
Click Here For Details

The event features the very hot Madison Young, BDSM porn star/director, pictured above, as well as Kirk Read, April Flores, Sadie Lune, Sister Roma, and many more masturbating performers. The press release warns eventgoers that they may look over and see most of the audience is joining the circle jerk, so "come" prepared. Or something. Anyway, we don't think you'll have a hard time getting off with the likes of these participants... which means you have no excuse but to become a Featured Masturbater (see link above) and then guest blog about it for us.

Are you an exhibitionist?
The daring can choose to become a masturbation porn star, showing all for our internet streaming cameras. The party will be featuring the kind of ribald fun to keep you wet and/or hard for hours. Sign up to masturbate live on-camera at the event in SF.

Are you a voyeur?
You don't have to signup as a masturbator to enjoy the event. Come as a spectator! To find out more about the cost, rules of respect or to reserve a space in voyeurs land, visit our spectator's page.

Attention Competitors
If you plan on challenging the World Record for Time you must be present by 10:30am PST to make the start.

Just want to wank with others?
We also have spaces set up away from the cameras and voyeurs where you can masturbate with others. There is are mixed gender, male only, and female only spaces.

Not Sure you want to be part of the live event?
You can join us by masturbating from home! Click here to find out how.

Of course, we'll have more on Masturbation Month as it happens.

Related:

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Video of the Day: Meet the Polaroid Swinger

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

This Church is the Tits

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:00:00 GMT

It is now 2:00 p.m. Pacific time, which means that in San Francisco, the two o'clock titty has made its twice-daily boob slip. The shadow effect at St. Mary's Cathedral doesn't happen at two all year round; it was the 1:30 titty until Daylight Savings time recently returned. NBC Bay Area writer Josh Keppel has just proposed a name for her based on one of the best sites to view the spectacle: Rose Street, between Haight and Page. The Rose arrow points to the teat, so the new name is Rose, Our Lady of the Two O'Clock Titty.

Related:

Bowling For Boobies: Where Was Our Invite, People?

From the Annals of Boobs...

Jason Bateman: Will Arnett Has Man-Boobs, Amy Poehler "Surprisingly Promiscuous"

The Gay Marriage Debate Rages on in California

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:14:00 GMT

Yesterday the California Supreme Court met to deliberate on the issue of gay marriage in the state yet again, after the court's May ruling to allow same-sex couples to marry was reversed when voters approved Proposition 8 in November.

The hearing lasted more than three hours and though the seven justices all seemed to agree that the 18,000 same-sex couples who married legally before Prop. 8 passed would remain legally wed, it appears the court may be leaning in favor of Prop. 8

"Here we are dealing with the power of the people, the inalienable right, to amend the Constitution," Justice Joyce Kennard, who voted in favor of legalizing gay marriage in May, said.

What else was heard at the hearing? And what did Kenneth Starr have to say?

"A guarantee of equality that is subject to exceptions by the majority is no guarantee at all."

-Therese Stewart, San Francisco chief deputy city attorney, arguing that Prop. 8 violates equal-rights principles in the state Constitution

"The people established the Constitution. As judges, our power is very limited."

-Justice Joyce Kennard

"Is it for this court to limit the people's power to amend the Constitution?"

-Chief Justice Ronald George

"Proposition 8 does not erode any of the bundle of rights that this state has very generously provided" to same-sex couples.

-Kenneth Starr, lawyer for Protect Marriage, the sponsor of Prop. 8

"If you're in the marriage business, do it equally. If you're not going to do it equally, then get out of the marriage business."

-Michael Maroko, a lawyer for same-sex couples, replying to a question about whether the court should reserve the name "marriage" for religious ceremonies and convert existing civil marriages to civil unions

"It would exceed the power of this court."

-Starr, answering the same question

[SF Gate: Justices seem to be leaning in favor of Prop. 8]

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Ask a Porn Star a Bunch of Weird Sex Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:38:00 GMT

Are you guys fans of "Ask a Porn Star," the mainstray of the San Francisco Bay Guardian's blog? Sex SF, the sex-positive web corner for the Guardian, has been running these strange interviews for ages, but we've ignored the majority of them until now.

This week, blogger and promising young porn star Stephen Boyer answers your our the interviewer's burning questions about Viagra, boring porn sex, trannies, and getting a foot shoved up your bum...

I tried to do a scene with a trans-woman once and she couldn’t get it up. Then she started to complain that she was sick. After that, she started having all of these negative body issues and eventually broke into tears. A few minutes later, she was saying she wanted to leave the porn world once and for all.
One of the boys had just turned 18 and had recently run away from home because his parents were really conservative. He was struggling to pay rent so he got into porn. The “Survivor” thing was his first shoot and the director wanted him to bottom, but not just for anyone; the director specifically made him bottom for a guy with a 12-inch dick that was also really thick. When the boy’s scene finally came up, everyone was watching because no one believed he could take it. But he did.

We've spared you the next sentence, which involves a serious amount of blood and other gross descriptions. Here are a few other highlights from the life of the budding adult film star:

I have used Viagra before but it isn’t something I practice and do regularly because I don’t need it.
[Does his butthole return to normal after having a foot inside it?] For the most part, yes, it does. But I don’t have anal sex that much, especially after a rigorous scene like that. The first hour or two after the scene, I felt like I couldn’t hold my stomach in, but after a good night’s sleep everything began to close back up. Now, it’s like, I shart but not any more than a normal person. Sharting is still a rare occurrence in my life, if that’s what you’re wondering.

We weren't, but if you're intrigued, you can read the rest of this unusual interview here.

Related:

From the Annals of Boobs...

"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

X-Rated Industry Can't Keep it Up

Women vs. Sexy Sex Ads

While You Were Sleeping: Is This The Dumbest Woman in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Some band called The Fray has the #1 album in the United States. Remember what we said yesterday about Lily Allen having #1's and no one knowing who she is? It's a trend.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. Mark our words-- these two will stayed married forever, or at least four months.

Want to know how much Facebook is worth? Nothing, and dropping. (Okay, really, it's allegedly in the billions... until Twitter takes over the social networking market.)

Here she is: the first famous homeless woman.

Wait, how do you get into a relationship with possible murderer Drew Peterson, go on TV, tell the whole world you were just using him, and then go right back into a relationship with him? We hate to say it, but we have no sympathy left for what might happen to this woman, who may be the dumbest in the world. She's been warned.

One reality show contestant showed San Francisco liberals can be just as awful at dealing with humans as everyone else.

Nicolette Sheridan is quitting Desperate Housewives.

Headline of the day: "Zorro in custody."

Today in Unlikely Couples: David Spade and....

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Look Who's Talking... About Sex

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:56:00 GMT

Amy Graff, a blogger for the San Francisco Gate, recently had an uncomfortable moment with her daughter in a Castro Williams Sonoma. After her four-year-old asked what sex was, Graff could only equate it to plugging in a toaster. Even if naming her daughter Paris might have been a step in the wrong sexual direction, at least she handled it better than our mom when she asked us if we even knew what sex was.

"Mmhmm. It's when a boy puts his penis in a girl's vagina."

"No," said Mom. "It's not."

Imagine how screwed up we were about sex for the next few years. Instead of doing what our mom did to us (up until the end of sixth grade, we were certain a blow job was something one did to a car), Graff at least tried to fix her wrong and consulted Dr. Shashank Joshi, director of training in Child & Adolescent Psychiatry for some advice on how to handle the situation.

While Joshi's words of wisdom sound quite a bit like the "If you encounter a bear" training speech we got at summer camp ("Keep a measured and relaxed tone and receptive stance") it's pretty sound advice.

What should a parent say to a 4-year-old who wants to know how babies are made? First, take a deep breath! For a young child, something simple like 'A mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way...then it takes about nine months for the baby to grow inside the mommy, before it comes out' can do the trick.
You might consider practicing some responses to common questions with your spouse/partner, or even with a friend or fellow parent, if it helps decrease your anxiety. Also, think of this not so much as an early sex talk, but more as an ongoing discussion about development and life changes. This way the questions about where babies come from and your children's normal curiosity about genitals is seen more in the 'typical' context of their daily lives.
So a 4-year-old isn't too young to begin learning about sex? The sooner the better, if you want to build a trusting relationship around matters that make you a little squeamish. It's best to get over this discomfort early, and avoid taking your first stab at these conversations during the adolescent years. The task doesn't get any easier with a teen. Plus, there is ample research suggesting that early sex education can help to delay the age of first intercourse and early pregnancy.
What about bigger sex-related issues such as contraception and AIDs? When do you bring up this stuff? From a development perspective, most kids will not understand these concepts in detail until the preteen years. You'll need to base the timing of these topics on how ready they seem, or how interested they are. So, consider a more detailed discussion of contraception and AIDS prevention around 10 or 11. However, if they are starting puberty early--for example, for girls as young as 8 or 9 (10 to 11 for boys)--you may need to discuss these issues earlier.
Are there any big "no-nos" when you're talking with your kids? The main ones have to do with your own reactions. For example, try to not show embarrassment, shock, or outrage at their questions. Keep a measured and relaxed tone and receptive stance, no matter what the material.
Should parents be concerned about what kids see on TV? Love scenes, kissing? If the TV is the main source for your children's sex education, be afraid. Be very afraid. Young children are impressionable--so closely monitor what they are watching. Be proactive--don't let the TV or movies do the talking for you. On the other hand, you may want to employ the use of a scene from a show, or a special book to get the discussion going. For a young child, (4 to 8 years old) It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families gets rave reviews from parents I've worked with. As they get older (9 to 12 years old), the next volume in the series is It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends.
Anything else to add? Take advantage of teachable moments. They can happen anywhere--while watching TV together, reading a book, or even at the park. You don't need to make a speech. Keep it simple, direct and relevant. Start by asking what your child already knows. Let your child guide the talk with her questions. Some children may not ask for information if they think you might be uneasy with it. Others might test you by asking embarrassing questions. Talk openly, and let your child know she can ask you about anything. It sets the stage for healthy communication on difficult topics for the long term.
For instance, teaching the actual names for body parts (in addition to whatever names your child likes to call her genitals) during bath times or diaper changes can be a good way to start. Keep in mind that making up names for body parts may give the idea that there is something bad about the proper name. Also, be sure to teach your child which parts are private parts (those covered by a bathing suit). You may decide to teach your child that interest in genital organs is healthy and natural but nudity and sexual play in public are not all right. Also, young children need to learn that no other person, including even close friends and relatives, may touch private parts.
For more tips and information, parents should check out the parent resource guides on the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Web site and the American Academy of Pediatrics Web site, and the online Mayo Clinic article, "Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex." Also, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask) is a great read.

[SF Gate: Let's talk about sex, baby!]

Presenting High Heeled Shoes... For Babies

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them

Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Let There Be Babybook

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

Related:

MI Teacher Wants You to Burn the Sheets After Hot Sex

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Clever Hipsters Re-Name Bush Street Obama Street

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:07:00 GMT

Some clever kids in San Francisco found a creative way to celebrate Barack Obama's inauguration while sending a subtle "fuck you" to outgoing president George Bush.

Given the fact it's in San Francisco, we imagine those stickers will stay a while.

Why not rename a Bush Street near you?

Bush St, Carlin, Elko, NV 89822

Bush St, San Francisco, San Francisco, CA

Bush St, Cobleskill, Schoharie, NY 12043

Bush St, Red Wing, Goodhue, MN 55066

Bush St, Pensacola, Escambia, FL 32534

Bush St, Brunson, Hampton, SC 29911

Bush St, Brighton, Adams, CO 80601

Bush St, Clearlake, Lake, CA 95422

[Laughing Squid: Bush Street Renamed Obama Street in San Francisco]

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Bloggers are defending Anderson Cooper's right to privacy. Can a "Leave Anderson Alone" YouTube video be far behind?

Four suspects have been arrested in that San Francisco lesbian gang rape case.

Meanwhile, also from San Francisco, some positive news...

First United Lutheran Church in San Francisco, the first Lutheran church to ordain an openly LGBT pastor in the 1990s, recently welcomed a new queer member of the ministry. Jay Wilson, now one of the few openly transgender pastors in San Francisco, was ordained by Extraordinary Lutheran Ministries and installed as a pastor at First United last month. [Bay Area Reporter]

Ruben Diaz, Sr., part of the Axis of Evil Democrats that are stand in the way of gay marriage in New York State, is under major pressure from unions, LGBT groups, and others to stop his insane power grab.

Believe it or not, the LGBT-friendly Hero of the Week? George W. Bush, who signed legislation that requires "businesses to roll over retirement benefits to a same-sex partner in the event of the employee’s death."

The ACLU is suing ass-backwards Arkansas for barring unmarried people, gay or straight, from adopting. As we said before: great, let's make it harder for people to be happy and for orphans to find homes. This was a top priority!

And that Richard Simmons clip we showed you earlier today? It means he isn't gay, according to Jossip, which obviously didn't even watch it.

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Video From Crazy Kansas Churchies: Santa Claus a Fag, Rapist

Filmmaker Skips the Glass Eye, Goes Straight for the Webcam

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:01:00 GMT

This is by far the creepiest, and coolest, thing we've heard of in a long time. Rob Spence, a filmmaker, has one prosthetic eye. But instead of some fake eye, he'd rather have a web cam put in that socket.

He's already apparently "sought consultation from the University of Toronto's Steve Mann, a self-proclaimed expert in the field of wearable computing and cyborgs."

Eyeborg!

And he's not the only one.

Tanya Vlach, an artist who lost her eye in a 2005 car accident would also like a web cam for an eye.

We have so many questions. Like, would they have to have some kind of wireless card permanently implanted? And would they ever turn it off? What about when they have diarrhea? Or when they're having sex with someone who would rather not be broadcast to the world? What if they had sex with each other?? Would he be allowed in the locker room at the gym?

Either way, this will be so much more fun than coming home drunk and looking at Craigslist. Do it, do it!

[Engadget: Filmmaker hopes to replace false eye with webcam, become a superhero]

Related:

Prosthetic Parts for Boys and Girls... Can We Wear Both at the Same Time?

Apotemnophilia: Something We Don't Actually Have

Does Katherine Heigl Think Judd Apatow is "Sexist?"

New Study Claims Women Don't Care For (Sick) Men

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:47:00 GMT

Get your typing fingers ready to comment on this one...because a survey that finds that women don't have any sympathy for men, aren't willing to take days off for them, and think sick men are pathetic is bound to be divisive...

The finds:

52% of women lose interest in tending to a sick male partner after only five minutes
18% of women are never interesting in tending to a sick male partner, not even for five seconds
70% of men ceaselessly support a sick female partner
60% of men do housework and 64% cook dinners they wouldn't have cooked if their partner was well
37% of men would take a day off while only 19% of women would the same for a sick man
56% of women would say bail on a Girl's Night Out while 73% of men would stand their guy friends up

Angry yet?

Almost three in 10 (29 per cent) take one look at him and think “he’s going to be grumpy all day” the survey found, while 28 per cent just think “hurry up and get better”, and one in 10 men claims to have been told not to be a hypochondriac.

Men by contrast present themselves as saintlike in comparison with 48 per cent claiming their first thought is “poor thing” when their partner is unwell, although only 13 per cent of women said their partners had looked after them.

What do you think of this (CRAZY LOONEY) survey, conducted for a new cold medicine called Lemsip Max All In One... which claims to work in five minutes?

Actual conversation about this:

She: "You know, a lot of males are raised to deny vulnerability, which includes times of sickness.They expect the women they are in a relationship with to be tough about it as well... so they're not as sympathetic. They think women should just tough it out."

He: "Yeah, but the survey talks about how women see the whining guy, the whimpering and pain and they stop being sympathetic immediately. In my view, this may be because they like their guys to be strong and not, obviously, whiners... so when that does a complete one-eighty, they wanna get outta there and go to work."

She: "But women are the caretakers. They'll take care of the kids. That's such bullshit about more men will cook dinner when women are sick than women will cook when it's the reverse. I don't buy that women will cook less if the man is sick."

We have to agree with that.

More here. Photo via SF Gate.

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Sip in Style in San Francisco

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:05:00 GMT

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

You didn't think we could have just one crazy burlesque party, did you?

Nerve and Hendrick's Gin teamed up for yet another night of slightly tipsy debauchery, this time in San Francisco.

After the jump: Trixie Little, the Evil Hate Monkey, Catherine D'Lish and... there will be boobs.

Photo by Hardy Wilson

Terese Post of Backroads, food and wine critic Brooke Cheshier and Tina DiCello of Backroads

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Taelur Kim of GamePro Media and friend.

Photo by Hardy Wilson

Suzanne "Kitten on the Keys" Ramsey, performer and MC for the night

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

The lovely Catherine D'Lish!

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

More (much more) Catherine D'Lish!

Photo by Hardy Wilson

Nerve contributor Chantal O'Keeffe gets her cards read

Photo by Hardy Wilson

Nerve publisher and CEO Rufus Griscom enjoying the Hendrick's Gin

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Young gents admire Tina DiCello and Terese Post of Backroads

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Trixie Little and Evil Hate Monkey

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Jim Ryan and Xavier Padovani of Hendrick's

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Alisa Volkman of Nerve.com, Erin Gaughan and Molly Mandell of Special Ops MediaPhoto by Misha Vladimirskiy

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Garrett Kamps, Rhapsody.com editor, and Rob Harvilla, The Village Voice music editor

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Rufus Griscom and Friends

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Florence Chien of the Red Cross and Nate Cavalieri of Rhapsody.com

Photo by Misha Vladimirskiy

Demetrius Chapin-Rienzo of Vintage 415

Related:

About Last Night: Pictures from the Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Burlesque Party

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Richard Branson and his kids set off from New York at 2 a.m. in an attempt to break the transatlantic speed record by arriving in England in under six days.

What is up with these cop impersonators lately? First, there was the fake cop who pulled over a guy who turned out to be his neighbor, who called the real police on him. Now, in our hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, a couple of phonies pulled over-- you called it-- an actual cop.

A decision was reached in the Britney Spears driving trial...

A mistrial was declared Tuesday in Britney Spears’s misdemeanor trial for driving without a license. The jury was deadlocked 10-2 in favor of the singer’s innocence, the foreman said in open court. “The jury is hopelessly deadlocked, and I declare this a mistrial,” stated Judge James A. Steele. The jury had deliberated for three days... [CelebSpin]

Wait, how the hell could someone actually be innocent of driving without a license? The record shows she didn't have a license, everyone admits she was driving during the time she didn't have a license, and then she goes to trial for it. Someone needs to explain this justice system of ours...

Check out this bizarre incident in which a nutjob hippie lady from San Francisco fails in an attempt to arrest Karl Rove for treason.

Meanwhile, Tina Fey says the trick to playing GOP favorite Sarah Palin is that she glues her ears down. Fey's own, that is...

Related:

Crush of the Week: Adele

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:21:00 GMT

If it pisses off a wingnut Puritan cryptofascist like Michelle Malkin, we knew it would be a helluva party...

The 2008 Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, the wildest party in America that doesn't take place during Mardi Gras, did not disappoint-- and it never does. From guys blowing each other in front of cops to naked women whipping elderly women in front of unconcerned passerby (they've seen it all in SF!), it's no wonder the anti-free speech right wing is up in arms about the goings on. (They particularly think these disgusting acts should be done in private, but they never said anything over the years about what goes on at Mardi Gras... probably because they'd lost their voices from yelling for straight women to "take it off!")

Since Michelle is likely going to read this (trust us on this one), we'd just like to personally thank her for alerting us to the cocksucking, ass-grabbing, hedonistic good time we almost entirely missed out on. Thanks directly to your story, we're pretty sure a few of our readers who hadn't heard about the fest will book plane tickets for next year...

From 2007, a local porn star represented the big-boob contingent...

More photos here. If you want to see random cock and balls, go here.

Anyway, despite Malkin's dislike of the event and certainly a few locals try to stop it every year, this utterly pointless celebration will go on next year, we're sure, as planned. The police did nothing to stop it this time, calling it nothing more than "a free outdoor 'fetish' event... at which hundreds of thousands of mostly gay men stroll around the city streets in leather or rubber fetish outfits."

And what's wrong with that?

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Which City Has The Most Beautiful People, According To This Very Scientific Survey?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:05:00 GMT

It's not LA... it's not New York... and it's certainly not Philadelphia, which always comes in 25th in these surveys...

Which American city has the most of what Americans consider "beautiful people?"

According to an online poll by Travel + Leisure, it's

If you live in Miami, consider yourself among the most attractive people in the United States.
The Sunshine State's metropolis has the most beautiful people, according to an online survey of "America's Favorite Cities" by Travel + Leisure magazine, while Philadelphia came in last at No. 25.

"I'm not surprised at all, but I'm not in that group" joked Bill Talbert, president of the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau, about the city's attractive people rating. [Yahoo!]

We think Bill's being unnecessarily hard on himself. After all, from what we remember of Miami, it was lots of laughable thug types and bimbos who looked like they'd recently been ejected from a Black Eyed Peas audition, plus way, way too many fake tans and bodies overexposed to the sun. But hey, maybe that's your thing... we'll stick to the runners up cities...

1 4.45 Miami

2 4.42 San Diego

3 4.38 Austin

4 4.28 Charleston

5
4.26 Honolulu

6 4.20 Los Angeles

7 4.20 San Francisco

8 4.16 Minneapolis/St. Paul

9 4.15 New York

10 4.14 Denver

What do you think? And by the way, we were only busting your chops, Miami... judging by the above photo, the gene pool is improving...

Via Travel & Leisure.

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Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Ask Scanner: Sexy Statistics

Downtown Miami Is Full of Foam Because...

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:44:00 GMT

It began at a church summer camp (!) and ended when fellow school employees spotted naked photos of the 16-year-old on the aide's cell phone.

Melody Ybona Gawliu was a 24-year-old teacher's aide at El Camino High School in South San Francisco when she began having oral sex with an underage female student. Perhaps no one would've ever found out this was going on if Gawliu hadn't made three key, boneheaded mistakes...

First, she showed up at school with a massive amount of balloons for the girl's 17th birthday, which apparently first aroused the suspicions of fellow teachers and teacher's aides.

Next, she saved those nude photos of the jailbait girl on her phone, which snooping teachers later discovered.

And finally, she made the classic mistake of putting the relationship in writing, by texting the girl and telling her to keep quiet about it. Stupid!

Gawliu was initially charged with two counts of digital penetration with a person under age 18, attempting to dissuade a witness and felonious possession of sexual images of a person under age 18.

Digital penetration? Does this mean if we have virtual reality sex with Alicia Silverstone we're committing a crime?

Anyway, Gawliu does not have to register as a sex offender under her plea deal, which also limits her prison term to less than a year.

Via Current and Dumbass Daily.

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Weirdo of the Day: San Francisco's "No Sex" Protestor

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Who is Owen Dias and why doesn't he want people to have sex?

Five days a week since 1986, Dias has parked himself on that fire hydrant (see above) with his trusty sign and taunts of "No sex!" and "No sloppy seconds!" (Not even Scanner's Sloppy Seconds, Owen?)

Owen and his sign define unlawful sex as anything other than a “virgin man and a virgin women” in marriage (read: he or she who has masturbated or looked upon another in lust is no longer a virgin). If you’ve had any other type of nooky, he says the only way you can get right with the Lord is to stop having sex for the rest of your days.

Best of all, Dias is certainly an expert on the evils and perils of sex because... wait, he's a 71-Year-Old Virgin?!

“I’ve never had sex in my whole life,” the 71-year-old boasts in his round, rolling accent that sounds vaguely like he’s from the Louisiana bayou. “Never masturbated in my whole life either. Since I came out of my mother’s womb.”

Ewww... we never want to read "masturbated" and "my mother's womb" in the same sentence again.

A chunky teenage kid with braces snapped a photo. “It’s hilarious,” the kid said, “and true.” Dias was obviously pleased: “A young kid that thinks it’s also true.” Of course, the kid also announced he was from Maryland.

We all know what that kid will be doing in two or three years, especially since he's from Maryland...

Via SFWeekly.

Guess Which US President Is Getting a Sewage Treatment Plant Named After Him...

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Hint: It's not Bill Clinton.

That's right, there's a campaign in San Francisco to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after George W. Bush when he leaves office. A group called the Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco is circulating a petition to have the issue voted on during November elections. The fact that people have taken the time to collect 12,00 signatures supporting this name change is a perfect reason to both love and hate San Francisco. But it seems like the treatment plant will be more socially and environmentally beneficial than its namesake ever was.

Some Things Congressman Sam Graves Knows About "San Francisco Values"

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:32:00 GMT

Thank you to Rep. Sam Graves for showing us, in no uncertain terms, what the people of Missouri imagine are San Francisco values. They are as follows:

1. San Franciscans value mixed drinks and dancing that looks like there's no music playing.

2. Nancy Pelosi. And if she supports you, you probably live in the Tenderloin and own AT LEAST ONE arab strap.

3. The color pink.

Wanna take a ride on the street car of illicit desire?

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

1	4.45	Miami
2	4.42	San Diego
3	4.38	Austin
4	4.28	Charleston
5	4.26	Honolulu
6	4.20	Los Angeles
7	4.20	San Francisco
8	4.16	Minneapolis/St. Paul
9	4.15	New York
10	4.14	Denver