Scanner : santa

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Back in Two and Two

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:28:00 GMT

Well, really just two. We're taking the next two days off (well, most of us; we suspect Scanner Brian has to blog at least every other day to stay alive). Happy non-denominational holidays from our family to yours.

[Image]

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

I was busy moving into my new apartment yesterday so I wasn't able to post the bearded man of the week. But come on folks, this week it could really only be one guy—the ultimate bearded man...

Santa Claus!

No one rocks the beard better than Santa. His is the biggest, the longest and for being the biggest and the longest it is, by far, the cleanest. However, we're more partial to the natural look on Santa.

You?

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

[Image, Image]

(Bonkers) Woman Ejected From Giants Game For Big Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 21:18:00 GMT

You may have heard about the crazy, fame-hungry Sondra Fortunato and her attempt to make a football game worth watching this week.

Sondra wore fishnets, a Santa Suit, and ginormous fake boobies to the delight of Giants fans both at the stadium and on TV. For her troubles, she was unceremoniously booted from the game.

From her sadly-designed website:

Sondra has been honored to represent Miss Liberty @ certain functions. Her main area is character modeling & print. It seems where evershe goes people know her and receive her warmly, after all she is part of the show. [All typos and spelling/grammatical errors are hers.]

The Giants management disagreed with that self assessment. They objected to her tiara, leather boots, bathing suit... and Santa top. "Can't you come to the stadium dressed like a normal person?" The self-proclaimed Miss Football is unaware of her odd fashion sense, and so was baffled that anyone would think she was gross. "I guess some ladies got jealous and complained," she told the New York Post with a shrug.

Via various sources.

Related:

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

Britney Wants a Breast Reduction

The Ice Man Cometh, Surviveth, And Breaketh World Records

Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:30:00 GMT

For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa:

Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could."

That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.

Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas

Tis the Season for Sexually Assaulting Santa

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 19:22:00 GMT

Santa is accusing a woman of groping him at a Connecticut mall:

"The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint.

Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.

Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.

"I've had some very nice ladies sit on my lap," said Connaghan, who did not train the Danbury Fair Santa. "Once in a while they'll say 'I hope Mrs. Claus isn't going to be upset.' You have to be discreet and kind and say 'Oh no, she'll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'"

She should have just gone to Santacon.

SFGate.com: Woman Accused of Groping Mall Santa

(Thanks, William and Ann!)

Image via dirtyrottensanta.com

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:23:00 GMT

It does now. Some Republican Congressmen must have been really pissed that their kids couldn't sing Christmas Carols in school, because earlier this week Congress passed a resolution "Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith." While we realize both are important and we do love Christmas for all its Pagan glory, Congress is making it very hard for us to get into the spirit with all this Jesus talk:

"Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible.... Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization..." [Christmas is now recognized by Congress?]
RESOLUTION

Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.

Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world;

Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;

Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;

Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible;

Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization;

Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity;

Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ;

Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and

Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives--

(1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world;

(2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide;

(3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;

(4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;

(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and

(6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.

We're also wondering why this hasn't been more widely covered. Here's some coverage we could find:

Common Sense: War On Christmas: Congress is on the case
NY Times Opinionator: Playing the Christmas Card
AP: 9 Dems Say No to Christmas Resolution

[Image: Jesus is the Reason for the Season car magnet from thechristianshop.co.uk]

Santa Got Back

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:37:00 GMT

As mentioned on Friday, we had our first experience with Santacon this weekend. We opted for not-so-slutty American Apparel Elf, and quickly learned that we were in-no-way-at-all slutty, and we were absolutely not that girl ("that girl" was wearing a teensy-weensy skirt and a candy cane hat and we saw her make out with at least four different guys in one hour). Maybe if we'd dressed a little sluttier we would have made out with even just one (not that we didn't get a few offers from some smelly, slurring Santas).

To give you a sense of what Santacon was like, and spread some holiday cheer, here's a video taken early in the day, before the real mayhem began. All you need to know is: kids and Santas rapping "Baby Got Back." And you can stop watching after the first minute or two (pretty anti-climactic) but if you watch to the end, you'll learn that the kid is looking for a date and that everyone there was a "fat ho'."

What's Red, White and Drunk All Over?

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:57:00 GMT

Why it's Santatcon, the biggest Santa convention, probably, ever. And that's where you'll find us tomorrow. Well, no, you most likely won't find us among the 500 or so drunk Santas, but that shouldn't stop you from looking. Unless you're a creepy stalker, in that case, it should stop you from looking. And if you're not in New York you can find a Santacon near you.

This will be our first year participating in Santacon so we're still debating between stuffed-sweats Santa or slutty-American-Apparel Santa. Decisions, decisions.

Photo from nycmstar's flickr.

Bad Santa

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:29:00 GMT

There's something strange about online chatbots -- maybe it's that they're robots. And most of the time they're programmed to talk dirty, so you can't blame a Microsoft-powered bot when it's supposed to be chatting as Santa but slips up and starts talking to kids about blow jobs, now can you?

Shhhh. Can You Keep a Secret From Scanner Sarah?

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 19:41:00 GMT

We just found the perfect Christmas present for Scanner Sarah at Nerd Approved. We don't know what this apron says, or why it exists, and we think it might be made of flammable material, but look, it's an apron with inflateable tits on it! An extra set of tits is exactly what we learned Scanner Sarah wanted for Christmas when we snuck a look at her letter to Santa. It's like God heard her prayers and sent this link right to us.