Scanner : sarah hepola

Zac Efron's Sexual Awakening

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Back in the days when our little sister was obsessed with N'Sync and we reluctantly drove and accompanied her to a concert after we won her back stage passes from a radio call-in (because that's the kind of thing big sisters do) we never thought we'd ever get a boner for Justin Timberlake. Little did we know. But, still, every time we see him looking all sexy, and even professorial, we are amazed at what a transformation he made. As far as we were concerned, like his band mates, Timberlake was clearly on the road to douchebaggery—maybe even more so than the rest of them. He appeared short, innocent and maybe even a little effeminate. Now he records songs we work out and rock out to, and unlike the boy band member we loved to hate in the 90's we would not kick Justin Timberlake out of bed. Neither would his super-hot fiance Jessica Biel.

Why did Timberlake make it out while Joey Fatone is dancing with the stars and those other guys—whose names we don't even remember—are most likely making appearances at malls across middle America? And, if he can do it, can Zac Efron do it, too? Our old friend Sarah Hepola, along with Joy Press, over at Salon think with a little help from Gus Van Sant, and some erect model nipples here and there that maybe, just maybe, he can.

In this month's Interview magazine, the well-scrubbed 21-year-old star of "High School Musical" loosens the shackles of his pukka-shell necklace and undergoes a dirty-sexy makeover -- black-and-white photos feature him rolling in the mud with a naked model (Lithuanian Edita Vilkeviciute), her pert nipples visible, and looking like he is 15 years late to Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" video shoot. The whole package is a self-conscious attempt to rescue Efron from the sea of Disney banality in which he has been dog-paddling for some time: The artsy cover ominously declares, "Zac Efron Is the Future." The interview is conducted by beloved indie director Gus Van Sant -- a man whose stamp of approval is so coveted by young Hollywood that it became a plotline in HBO's "Entourage" -- and the pair gab about vintage furniture and Efron's upcoming period film with Richard Linklater, "Me and Orson Welles." The repeated message here is that you won't have Zac Efron to sing your four-part harmonies anymore. On Tuesday came the announcement that Efron had pulled out of his starring role in the remake of "Footloose," a part that seemed to seal his fate as a song-and-dance plaything for tween America and the next logical step in his retread of vapid '80s teen idoldom. Ditching that part is possibly the most interesting thing Efron has done in his career -- which is, admittedly, a short list, including the time he told Elle magazine that his mom bought him an economy box of condoms....

I don't mean to suggest that by splattering mud on his face and pressing his pecs against a naked lady, Efron will suddenly morph into Johnny Depp. Depp displayed hints of his talent even in his earliest roles, whereas Efron's chops have yet to manifest. In fact, it's a bit squirm-inducing to hear about Efron's artistic aspirations, however fledgling and undefined they are. "I'm getting a list of great films on my iPhone," he told Gus Van Sant, "and every time somebody mentions one, I try to go out and watch it." (He just saw "Ordinary People." Verdict? "I was amazed.") His next film is "17 Again," a hokey-sounding age-inversion film in which he plays a 37-year-old stuck in the body of a teenager, which is not likely to land him on anyone's Oscar shortlist.

Nevertheless, there's something invigorating about a teen idol attempting to wriggle free of his constraints. It's a gamble for a star whose fame relies on the conflicted desires of the young girls (and boys) who adore him, in part, for his androgyny, because he is unthreatening, sweet and cuddly as a puppy. No matter how sexualized our culture becomes, the overwhelming success of "High School Musical" -- in fact, of every teen idol -- confirms that kids crave the soft-focus fantasy of romance and sexuality while keeping all the dirty, nasty stuff at arm's length. (Hello, Jonas Brothers.) Trying to transition into a more grown-up role is the sword on which so many beloved teen idols have fallen. But whether he can pull a Depp or a Timberlake, or whether he winds up as the next David Cassidy, forever plagued by the credibility that eluded him, Efron's career now has a quality it has lacked for so long: It has become unpredictable.

[Salon: Zac Efron and the twilight of the teen idol]

Related:

Zac Efron Mud Wrestles A Nude Model

Zac Efron's Mom Is Cooler Than We Are

PapSmeared: Zac Efron Covers the Butt

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

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Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:37:00 GMT

What were your favorite and least favorite Nerve essays of 2008? Orly? Then you should go vote for them. [Nerve]

Some of your favorite NPR personalities may soon be gone. Fucking economy. [Gawker]

Why did Perez Hilton have to ruin a perfectly beautiful picture of our future husband Ryan Gosling? [PerezHilton]

Perhaps in a cash crunch like the rest of us, Michael Jackson is selling the gates leading to Neverland Ranch and his infamous glitter glove from the "Billie Jean" video. [Yahoo!]

Speaking of gloves, er, coming off, Tom Cruise is going in for another interview with Matt Lauer. [Us]

Oprah fell off (or onto?) the food wagon, maxing out at 200 pounds. It's just more for us to love, Lady O. [People]

Prince William was invited to Paris Hilton's New Years Eve party, but his "elders at the palace" reportedly do not want him partying with her. [Radar]

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Apparently We Were Supposed to Be Upset By This Poster

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:51:00 GMT

Remember this poster—a recreation of a Joan Baez poster from the 60's—we posted yesterday? Well, we thought it was all in good fun, but apparently it's pissed off quite a few female bloggers, including some of our old friends.

Over at Salon the women of Broadsheet had a heated discussion.

Rebecca Traistor despises the poster, and says that "the idea of any kind of political action is being taken to impress the opposite sex — or that guys would only vote a certain way if a woman promised sex at the end (that's also totally the only way you get them to pay for dinner, incidentally) — sort of makes me want to drown myself."

While we get where Traistor is coming from, we can't imagine anyone would actually vote a certain way just to impress the opposite sex. And if he did, we surely wouldn't have sex with him—we're not attracted to men who aren't passionate about their own politics.

Sarah Hepola, formerly Salon Sarah, seems to be somewhere between us, and Traistor, but still dislikes it:

"It doesn't bother me as much, but it's kind of gross. Are the women in this photo going to say yes to every boy who says Obama? Because if so, they are going to be very, very tired. And sore!

Considering this poster was made, according to Bust, by 'a couple cheeky ladies in Brooklyn" —where I (and Rebecca and Judy! [and Scanner Emily]) proudly live -- I would suggest it should be tweaked to read, 'Girls say yes to boys who say Obama and also wear skinny jeans and have scruffy hair and buy me Stella Artois while I crochet an adorable bong cozy.'"

So, so right, Scanner Sarah. But of all the things to get pissed off in the world, this poster isn't one of them. We don't have the energy (you know, especially since we're only halfway through the Democratic men in Brooklyn).

What do you think? Good fun or highly offensive?

Related:

Yes Girls for Obama

Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama's Hip Hop Cameo

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Sloppy Seconds: Which Olsen Twin Would Like You to Put a Baby in Her?

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:23:00 GMT

A reader sent us this video about what will happen if we don't vote on November 4. It's like our own worst nightmare. Really. [CNNBC]

What happens when a bunch of really smart women (including some Nerve writers) get together to talk about online dating? Utter hilarity. And sad, sad truths. [The Morning News]

Philip Seymour Hoffman is the proud papa of a baby girl. That's going to be one cool kid. [DailyIntel]

Unfortunately even Gay Aiken couldn't save "Spamalot" from closing down at the end of the year. [Yahoo!]

We're sure you've heard about Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardrobe by now, right? [People]

Ashley Olsen wants to get married, Mary Kate, on the other hand, does not. [Us]

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"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:12:00 GMT

We told you a while back about former Scanner bad girl and fine-ass lady we'd love to put a baby in Sarah Hepola's Salon.com article on the artless art of the booty text (or Sext Message, as we call it).

All you skanky cell-phone carrying kids out there know, there's an aesthetic to the sext. A potential love buddy can win or lose your heart (or at least a drunken night in your bed) with a single emoticon. And the Hep is right, like it or not, the rules of grammar, like the rules of propriety, do not apply. Some of the best text messages we've ever gotten involved the words "Grrrrrrrrr!" and "Luvs."

Turns out that wooing (or just whoring) via text message is so entrenched in our love lives that Michael Gluckstadt at Gelflog decided to elevate the art by composing text message verse--sonnets and haikus, more specifically. Our favorite?

Hey there sex E girl
Ur lookin so nice tonight
I h8 not to bone.

h8 2 let them hav all the fun?? Leave your best booty text haikus in the comments.

[via The Morning News]

A Booty Call From Scanner, Er Salon, Sarah

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Scanner Emily and Scanner alum Sarah Hepola met this weekend for the first time. Exciting, right? While we have no photographic evidence to back this up, Scanner Emily was super excited and we drank a lot and everybody had a good time. Even more exciting? Getting a text message booty call of sorts from Salon Sarah at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday morning.

Okay, okay it wasn't a real booty call. Nor was it directed at us exclusively, but Salon Sarah did write an article about text message booty calls that landed in our inbox at a very early hour, and we'd like to think that we're at least worthy of one of our own.

Now apparently Sarah is not much of a texter, and we can forgive her for that, especially because she hates abbreviations as much as we do:

Part of the problem is that I'm an annoying grammar snoot who refuses to abbreviate. I find it offensive to collapse the English language into emoticons and acronyms. I think text messaging has indulged everyone's worst impulses to ignore spelling and disregard punctuation. I'm a former English teacher; I've had throwdowns about the serial comma, and I used to 86 a guy if he misspelled "a lot." What am I supposed to do with "l8er" and "sez"?

SS we totes feel u alot.

But you know as well as we do, texting has is advantages and disadvantages. We've had entire sexual relationships develop over text messages and had other relationships fall to shit via the same medium. But can we really complain about how easy text messaging has made it to get laid? Because obviously you cannot:

About three months ago, I ran into Scott, who is charming and adorable and something of a scoundrel. We chatted and exchanged numbers, whatever, blah-blah. Later that week, I was five pints into an evening with friends and feeling the impatient, irrational call to action of someone who overstayed her welcome on the bar stool. Here's an idea, I thought: I should call Scott! But I was too shy, or too slurry, to actually make a phone call. What I could easily do -- well, what I could do with one eye squinted a bit -- was to type out a note to him and toss it to the satellites. I like to think what I wrote was clever and funny. I suspect it was, "Whatcha doin?"

He was there in less than 30 minutes. Like a pizza.

It was brilliant. So fast! So simple! If only everything in life could be so complication-free. I have always been the girl who wants to keep the party going, who doesn't want to go home when the bar lights cruelly flicker on. I would never dream of calling someone at 2 a.m. -- OK, I would, and I have, and I'm sorry -- but suddenly, with text messaging, I could just send an unobtrusive "You still out?" to the call list and voilà: instant after-party.

A few days later, Scott texted me at 2 a.m., and I redirected my taxi to his place.

So here's the problem: There's a reason why drunk-dialing someone at 2 a.m. invokes shame and embarrassment. It's because we probably shouldn't be doing it. What we should be doing is taking our asses home, drinking half a bottle of Gatorade and crashing into bed. My drunk self really doesn't need new and improved ways to stay out later, to get into more trouble, to do things I will ultimately regret. Maybe it shouldn't be so easy to get into someone's bedroom at 2 a.m.

Hey, Sarah. What'd you do after that party Friday night, huh? Because after you left we totally started in on the drunk texting around 2 a.m. And we saw you clicking away on that little phone of yours. Hopefully you had better luck than we did.

[Salon: U still up?]

Monday Morning Surprise, In Which We Open Up Our Salon Newsletter and Find Scanner Sarah's Boobs

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:34:00 GMT

We saw boobs come across our inbox and immediately knew we had to write about this article at the top of today's Salon Newsletter. Then we looked at the byline: ~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah. Now, we've never actually met Salon Sarah ("we" being Scanner Emily — apparently she and Scanner Bryan go way back) or her boobs, and we can't say we feel her pain (having been blessed or cursed with the opposite problem) but we really liked the article and we're glad she finally found some bras that fit. Now if she can just tell us where to find jeans that stay up when we sit down, we'll be all set.