Whatever... He's My Kind Of Criminal

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:32:00 GMT

Meet 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez. He was arrested in Fresno over the weekend after he broke into a home, robbed its inhabitants of $900 and...

a) humped their dog.
b) beat a man with an 8-pound sausage.
c) threw spices in a man's face.

B and C.

The bizarre crime is detailed in a Fresno County Sheriff's Department report, the funniest document you'll read this month. According to investigators, Vasquez, pictured in the mug shot below, robbed the home of a group of farmworkers, two of whom were assaulted during the 8 AM confrontation. Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home's front porch when he "felt something hit him in the face," the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found "an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage." Santiago, deputies reported, "said the sausage was about 8" long." Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy's seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy's specializes in "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades," according to its web site. Before fleeing the residence, Vasquez, for some reason, removed his shorts, which contained his driver's license, credit cards, school IDs, and cell phone. He ran into a nearby orange orchard, but was soon apprehended by a deputy who noted that the suspect was wearing "a white sleeveless tee shirt and green boxers." However, cops were unable to recover Vasquez's principal weapon. "I asked Santiago where the sausage was," Deputy George Ozburn wrote, "he advised his dog ate it."

[The Smoking Gun: Assault With an 8-Inch Sausage]

Sloppy Seconds: Palin on Oprah, Will She or Won't She?

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:26:00 GMT

~~Mary~~ Nancy Wilson of Heart feels "completely fucked over" after the Republicans used the band's Barracuda as a theme song for Sarah Palin during the RNC. Wilson's sister and bandmate, Ann, chimed in: "Sarah Palin’s views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song ‘Barracuda’ no longer be used to promote her image. The song ‘Barracuda’ was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women." [Wonkette]

That's no matter, because John McCain's RNC speech had 500,000 more viewers than Obama's. Okay, so it's a difference of 38.4 million viewers (Obama) to 38.8 million viewers, but we all know what difference half a million votes can make (not that everyone who watched the RNC will vote for McCain). [Huffington Post]

Is this scary-ass Barbie doll really worth $100,000? Apparently so. [The Sun]

Um, if you're going to ride a mechanical bull, you might get hurt. Apparently there should be some kind-of waiver for this. [Daily News]

We're having a hard time believing that the 24 most eye-catching American Apparel ads couldn't have made it all the way to 25. [Debonair]

Vince Young's sausage taste's great. [Deadspin]

Oprah has made it clear that she has no intention of having Sarah Palin on her show, at least until after the election is over (which, honestly, we think is kind-of shitty... Oprah could at least give Palin the James Frey treatment). But, we get where she's coming from: "At the beginning of this presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates," Winfrey, who was an early backer of Barack Obama, says in a statement to TMZ.com. "I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over," she adds. "There has been absolutely no discussion about having Sarah Palin on my show." [Us]

Scanner : sausage

Whatever... He's My Kind Of Criminal

Sloppy Seconds: Palin on Oprah, Will She or Won't She?