Scanner : scanner brian

One Final Request: 75-Year-Old Wants A Designer Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:57:00 GMT

Here's one of those stories The Sun probably pulled out of its ass one day at 4:55pm, the editors not even caring that it wasn't sourced:

A 75-year-old Russian woman has successfully undergone a vaginal operation to restore her genitals to a younger state. Yes-- "Nina M." has herself a state-of-the-art designer vag... and she plans on using it on you...

The randy Russian granny... said she wanted the trendy surgery to bag herself a young husband.
Dr Anna Uzunova said: “Usually such requests are from much younger women.
“But she wanted to have an active sex life despite her age so we agreed to do the operation and help her.”
Happy Nina was delighted with the results saying after the op: “I feel like a young woman again.”

As a young man currently between failed short term relationships, we ask Nina to please send an e-mail to scanner@nerve.com at her earliest convenience. No photograph required...

Via The Sun.

XXX Star Penny Flame Flames Out to Find Herself

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Long Live the New Flesh

The 10 Best Things About the New Star Trek

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Haven't seen the new Star Trek yet? You are not alone... in the universe! Ha... is joke.

Seriously, this might end up being the first film in ages to actually draw in significant repeat business-- Trekkies are over the moon, film buffs are racing at warp speed to get home and blog, and we've run out of bad puns already. In other words, don't be left out this weekend...

10. This could be the Star Trek film that breaks the Oscar curse. The series is 0 for 10, mainly in sound and effects categories, and has never been nominated in a category bigger than cinematography. But we would not be surprised, given the quality of movies released this year, that Star Trek pics up nods in screenplay, effects, and even acting categories. You heard it here first.

9. Leonard Nimoy's cameo gives the movie great dramatic weight-- unlike 99.9% of all prequel cameos. Most of the time, when you bring back the star of a film's previous series, it results in mockery and cinematic travesty. For example, Sean Connery's return as James Bond nearly ruined the series, even more so than the casting of Timothy Dalton. Thankfully, this Star Trek is more, say, Diamonds Are Forever than Never Say Never Again.

8. It finally launched little known film director J.J. Abrams's career. Abrams, you probably didn't know, has spent years slumming it as the #1 producer of network television.

7. If this guy hates it, it must be good. The self-described Trekkie fails to see what's great about the movie-- it's Star Trek without all the hokey sci-fi goofing around that turned off so many casual viewers.

6. It makes us want to go watch the first four movies again. (Although, of course, nothing can make us want to watch any of the others.) That's the big difference with this and the Star Wars prequels-- it actually belongs in the series canon.

5. Because J.J. chose quality over a gimmick. Bill Shatner has made no bones (no pun intended) about his disdain for the filmmakers. We see his point-- Nimoy gets a huge supporting role, while Shatner doesn't even merit a walk-on. But Abrams & co. were right to leave that rumored cameo unfilmed-- the scene that would kind-of work, initially slated to follow the climax, could easily have stalled the movie's dramatic momentum and might have sent people out of the theater shaking their heads at the inappropriate side-tracking. Abrams made the very wise decision to not risk the movie's tension-- and it was clearly the right decision.

4. Because it will launch the career of a great young actor, Chris Pine. When we first saw trailers for the film, we kept saying, "Man, the new Kirk looks like a poor man's Ryan Reynolds." And saying someone is anything like Ryan Reynolds is a huge insult where we come from. That "annoying-looking pretty boy model," Chris Pine, turns in he year's best breakthrough performance-- are you listening, MTV?

3. All the ladies agree: Zachary Quinto is the thinking woman's sex symbol for the 21st Century. Spock, as Quinto plays him, is transformed into a studly romantic brainiac badass. Who could've predicted that?

2. This weekend, it will likely become the highest-grossing Tyler Perry movie of all time. Yes-- he's in two scenes and since no one knew he was in the film when it first opened, there were whispers all around: "Hot damn-- is that Madea?"

1. It's just that damn entertaining. We watched the film with a mild fan and two people who had very little interest in the movie-- and all enjoyed it tremendously. They agreed with this reviewer that Star Trek jump-starts a series that had been "mined to exhaustion." Best of all, this weekend, it goes up against Angels and Demons, the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, giving you yet another reason to help keep this atop the box office...

The Hottest Unknown Women Of Star Trek

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

Related:

Teacher Who Called Creationism Religious, Superstitious Nonsense Loses His Case

Christian Gay Porn Star Going to Hell, But First Will Be Really Really Internet-Famous

Crazy "Opposite Marriage" Lady Strikes Back

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Live! Nude! Old! Girls!

Colleen Kane — Mon, 11 May 2009 16:00:00 GMT

As we briefly mentioned before, the Calendar Girls are back. Ten years after they first took it off, England's six original Calendar Girls are taking it off for charity again. To recap for those who didn't see the movie inspired by the true events (starring Dame Helen Mirren), the idea came about after Angela Baker's husband died of lymphoma, and the calendar proceeds go to benefit lukemia research.

The models, who pose with strategically placed props, now range in age from 57 to 75, but their semi-nudity may just get trumped by a well-known 75-year-old actress who is considering going full monty for Playboy...

Page Six reports that Shirley Jones is considering posting for Playboy. Her husband and manager, Marty Ingels, says, "She's still drop-dead gorgeous, and at the age of 75, a natural beauty. I'm her husband, and I think it would be sensational. Mature women are relevant."

Hell yes Marty Ingels and Shirley Jones!

How excited is Fairbanks right now?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Spanish "Calendar Girls" Losing Their Shirts

Calendar Girls image

Shirley Jones image

Sloppy Seconds: Trent Reznor's Love

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Dom DeLuise, actor, chef, all-around awesome dude, is dead at the age of 75. [The Feed]

The NIH is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on "the prevention of HIV" by studying patrons and proprietors in gay bars in Argentina. FYI: Next time the NIH wants to do a study on drinking and sexual promiscuity, we're available. Hit us up at Scanner@nerve.com. Buy us a drink and we'll give you whatever information you want. [CNSNnews]

A Kansas City newscaster interviewed Guy Fieri, that annoying guy from the Food Network, during a Royals game last night. Except it wasn't Guy Fieri. Oops. [Kansas City Star]

Scanner Crush (we know Scanner Brian is with us on this one) Jeff Tweedy, frontman of Wilco, is being sued by an ex-bandmate. Jay Bennett, who played with Wilco from 1994 to 2001 wants $50,000 for five albums he recorded with the band. [BBC]

Trent Reznor has decided to tie the knot with girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig. [The Inquisitr]

[Image]

Scanners in New Orleans at Jazz Fest

Colleen Kane — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:50:00 GMT

I like to take before and after photos on big days. I just returned from two such big days attending the last weekend of Jazz Fest in New Orleans, where Scanner Brian had been camped out in some tiny shack for the whole festival.

So here is our before shot, taken shortly before Neil Young's performance, which rocked in the free world. You will notice from reading my hat that it is HAMMER TIME. That circle in my hands is my ladylike Charles Rennie Mackintosh flask. Sneaking in on the left is a gal who gave a free Jazz Fest ticket to our friend Kara, who must have gotten at least a six pack's worth of free beers from strangers over the weekend, just by asking nicely.

Now just try to look at our after photos and not be disturbed.

There isn't an explanation, other than this Boy George-esque murderer mask was found in the side yard of the house where I stayed, and much merriment ensued while creeping out our friends and fellow Jazz Fest- goers on the street (see Scanner Brian, shouting at them, above, although it was New Orleans, so I don't think anyone was too fazed).

Scanner Brian May Not Be Posting Lolcats...

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

While You Were Sleeping and We Should Have Been: Scanner Emily's Suitor

Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

The latest victim of Fox is Pedro Almodovar?

It's almost impossible to get a perfect score on the SAT-- how impossible would it be to get perfect scores on the PSAT, ACT, and SATs?

We wonder why this worm sign fail isn't as common in Louisiana. And, by the way, we had a great first weekend of Jazz Fest.

David Letterman wants to see Lauren Conrad's rumored/long-awaited sex tape.

That meanie Miss California is now a folk hero among ignorant religious bigots.

The latest worldwide fad: that fun-lovin' swine flu thing.

90% of teenagers have cell phones these days, effectively making the previous generation the last one to prefer the physical presence of their friends.

Madonna is the hardest workin' mama in the biz.

Does Facebook have something against lesbians?

The TV couple you hate the most were legally married on Saturday in Pasadena.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:50:00 GMT

If you think that's fake, know this: we once had a capatcha on Ticketmaster that read "penile imploder."

I know it's hard to believe, but I have been picked up on Facebook before. (I'll let Colleen, Emly, and Ina weigh in on their own success, if they want-- but this is speaking strictly for myself.)

It doesn't happen very often, and certainly not since I removed "Single" from my profile, but it's entirely true that Facebook is a hotbed of sexual activity. According to this interesting chart we just came across, everyone is surfing Facebook after midnight in the hopes of getting laid and ending up at least claiming to have succeeded...

The graph charts the rise and fall of users claiming to have had sex-- after a drop around the end of last year, everyone is now saying "had sex" in their status updates, prompting the recent two-month-long spike on the readout. Whether these people had sex or just asked everyone else, desperately, "Hey Jamie-- had sex last night?" remains to be seen. Or doesn't-- since it's not like anyone's doing a formal study. (By the way, check out everyone getting laid in the fall/winter of '07/'08. Hot damn, where were we?)

Which leaves it up to us to ask-- are you getting laid thanks to Facebook?

Via Metro UK.

Related:

Andy Asks: Facebook or F*ckbook?

Tropical Ants Have Completely Done Away With Men

While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

From Scanner HQ

"Fairbanks Man Gets Plea Deal, Wedding"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:22:00 GMT

It's always disturbed me to open a link someone sends me to read this on a newspaper's website: "FAIRBANKS-- A man charged with sexual assault is getting married." Thanks, but I'd rather not have either of those crimes attributed to me in dictionary definition form (i.e. FARRIS-- A woman charged with maintaining a stable of bearded men received probation today.")

Seriously, though, check out "my" quote in the paper today: “I’m dumbstruck to even have my name put in this situation,” he said. “This doesn’t begin to describe the caliber of man I am.” That about covers it. It also reminds us of the time we e-mailed Anton Newcombe, he the famed frontman for The Brian Jonestown Massacre about his having been convicted of murder in Australia. (It's true-- a man named Anton Newcombe is a convicted murderer.) His entire response: "Woah. Trippy."

Anyway, the actual story out of Fairbanks, Alaska is bizarre enough to warrant its own post, even without my name:

A 32-year-old man was charged with forcing his girlfriend to have sex with him by knifepoint. The three felony accounts were reduced to three misdemeanors after a strange and unforseen twist: the girlfriend says she's "hazy" on the events and never said that the act was nonconsensual. Even these are not uncommon. What really shocked the judge was this:

The woman, who asked not to be identified, briefly spoke at Thursday’s hearing and announced that she and Pignataro plan to get married soon.
“It’s very unusual for someone at sentencing to announce they’re getting married,” Downes said. “That’s the first time I’ve heard that for 40 years I’ve been doing this.”

Pignataro briefly spoke, attributing the charges, his only run-in with the law, to problems with alcohol. He vowed to stay sober in the future.

So, there you have it folks. How did the Judge fall for that ol' trick? Slash your girlfriends tires, force her to have sex with her, and then make her tell the judge you're going to marry her "one of these days" so he can get off with time served. It's the Fairbanks way.

More on this case via Daily News-Miner.

Related:

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Erykah Badu's Stalker

Important Music Trend: Olds Backed Up by Cutes

Aria Giovanni Wants To Show You How To Do Something

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:21:00 GMT

Why is Aria Giovanni showing us bachelors how to cook via Break.com videos and do we care? Not "do we care that she's on Break.com showing us how to do things we'll quickly turn into four-alarm fires" but does anyone care what she's saying, with images like these?

Note that at about 1:30... she appears to be lightly stroking the long stem handle... hmmm, very interesting demonstration...

Aria Giovanni Teaches Us How To Boil Eggs

In case you didn't know, Aria Giovanni is a nude model and, um, self-described actress who was the Penthouse Pet for September of 2000. You may recall her previous Scanner appearance when we shared the first episode of James Gunn's PG Porn. We'd share more of these videos if she did something, you know... exciting.

Related:

PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Does This Supermodel Look Fat To You?

PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Today in WTF: PG Porn

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

SATC Penis Guy's Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:33:00 GMT

This is Gilles Marini. Like us, you may not recognize the name Gilles Marini. In fact, you might not even recognize his face. But if you saw the Sex and the City movie you probably caught a glimpse of his sizable schlong. Or if you (unlike Scanner Brian) have been watching Dancing with the Stars, you might also have seen his junk—through his dance pants, of course. And you know what? Keep looking. Look all you want. Because his wife doesn't give a fuuuuck. In fact, she's not even worried that his partner is Cheryl Burke, who was rumored* to have been sleeping with her DWTS Season One partner, Drew Lachey. So, why is Marini's wife Carole so comfortable with her husband getting other women all hot and bothered?

Because “she’s French,” said Marini. “The more sexy it is [on the show] the better it is for her. Tonight she told me, ‘I saw that shaking booty stuff, you’re going to have to show it to me [at home].”

“Imagine if you do that job and you have a wife in the house or a husband in the house who is very kind of jealous and possessive, things would collapse,” he said in an interview with the website jenandbarbmomlife.com. “If I don’t have my wife at my side I have nothing. And so she is there pushing me and always kissing me and saying, ‘I am so proud of you.’”

Apparently, she pushes real good. The couple have been married for eleven years and have two children together.

[People: Gilles Marini Says Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

[Image]

*We are not trying to perpetuate this rumor, only acknowlede its existence.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

[Image, Image]

Younger Men Say "Do Not Want" To Older Women?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:16:00 GMT

The Boston Globe has a story today about a woman who has been failing to successfully organize speed dating events pairing "older" women and "younger" men. The men, it seems, won't even register in numbers great enough to prevent her service from automatically canceling it.

As our resident expert on dating older women, I can safely say that the myth that Demi-Ashton relationships are on the way out can be easily disproved...

First, let's address this chunk of text:

Sure, Demi Moore broke a mold, and I know a few couples - family members and friends of friends - who represent the highly publicized demographic of older women and younger men, but the dating industry will tell you that for the most part that demographic is a myth. Men still seek younger women, especially as those men get older themselves.
"It's the general rules, what happens when people hook up and go into a relationship," said Mark Brooks, an online dating industry consultant who runs Online Personals Watch. "With men dating women, it tends to be up to six years younger but it will only be up to two years older."
And why is that?
"Guys tend to have unrealistic expectations," said Brooks, who bragged that he is one of the mythical Ashton Kutcher-types (he recently dated someone nine years older than him). "Most men are too busy looking at magazines and not busy enough looking in the mirror."

Wait, guys tend to have unrealistic expectations? From looking at magazines?! Please, both sexes have this problem and it greatly affects everything about our relationships. But we're getting off topic...

While it's true that, the older we get, the more likely we are to seek out younger people to reinvigorate ourselves and blah blah blah. However, I started dating older women by default-- in NYC, my first two dozen dates in my "age range" were demanding, had unrealistic expectations, and/or had nothing interesting to say. (In their defense, I was probably wrong about a good many of them, but I digress.) Meanwhile, although the majority of women in New York are interesting, attractive, and intelligent, the ones I tended to come across had longtime boyfriends, guys who snapped them up in college and have been hanging on for dear life.

(Or maybe we're just into them because we want what we can't have. Maybe.)

After putting in a few years trying to pick up and date women in their 20s and having things never work out, I found I more often ended up in relationships with beautiful, passionate, and energetic single women in their 30s and even 40s while I was in my early- and mid-20s. I would gladly date an "older woman" again. Because while some guys may be so superficial as to not even bother with a wonderful woman older than them, there are plenty of others out there who find that, as Lou Reed says about relationships, they're "like a good wine/[they're] better as [they] get older."

Via the Boston Globe.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

5 Women Who Look Better With Age

5 Men Who Look Better With Age

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

The Kinky Sex Murder At ABC News Radio

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Last summer, we seriously considered an offer for a job at ABC News in New York. While on tour of the building and my "future office," I met a guy named George Weber, who was cracking jokes and insulting colleagues who were within earshot when I came across him. My first thought was, "This is one of those characters. Every office has one."

The next time we saw him was yesterday morning, when he was the top story in New York City. Weber was murdered by "a date" he picked up via Craig's List and the details couldn't have been more shocking...

According to stories in the New York Daily News over the last 36 hours, Weber's alleged killer is an unidentified 16-year-old boy who Weber found via a Casual Encounters ad. Weber wanted someone to smother him and the boy offered to do it for $60. It's not known whether this was premeditated murder or the boy just didn't know to stop using the pillow when his victim fought back. Either way, the police say the killer suffered enough retaliatory injuries to bleed all over Weber's apartment on his way out.

What stands out the most for us is that a knife was involved-- reports indicate Weber's body hand multiple stab wounds, which at least confirms murder, whether the boy planned it in advance or tried to finish him Weber off after realizing he'd done serious damage.

Seriously, let this serve as a reminder to all of us to use extreme caution when inviting strangers home...

Latest updates here, via the NY Daily News.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Harry Potter Murder Case Ends

We Heart Craig's Lists

PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

College Sex Magazines Making Their Way Through Connecticut, Too

Erykah Badu's Stalker

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Erykah Badu kept everyone (including Scanner Brian) waiting for her free show at SXSW last week, but she had a good reason. Some obsessive wack job was camped out outside her house.

She twittered it, too, under her handle "fatbellybella": "Police just apprehended a stalker in front of my house. Stay tuned to details."

Here are some of those details...

Driving to Austin now. Just got on road .. Had to file police report .

Poor chic is apparently sick . I feel so awful . Police pepper sprayed her and cuffed her .

White woman mid to late 20's had visited my home 3 or so times . Brought w/ her weird writtings .

I was kind to her first 3 times . I knew something was off . She was wearing a dilla shirt today .

When I came outside she had flowers lined up in front of my house and had spray painted the no parking sign with a peace symbol .

She had several misc. Items spread out in the grass . Blue shutters, a rabbit, a tucan , and a sketch book...

I'm gonna be late for my show ... Messing around with her .

Passing thru Waco now...with dilla played loud .

So .. The lady came to the house 1st time today around 1pm .. After light threats from me and fam she left . Was parked ok the grass in front of my house

So she comes back 30 Min later .. By this time I feel violated for real .. Cause o girl wasn't threatened at all .

Had no choice but to put the ipolice In it . Tried to reason . I felt so bad for her and her dog .

When she saw cops she took off running behind neighbors house
... Obviously she had been to jail b4 cause she wanted no parts of that

By this time there were 6 cop cars , ambulance and a fire truck ..

3 officers chased her on foot whole we all watched .

She finally comes " walking " calmly around corner toward one cop car with that big ass dog

Cop snatched her hand behind her back and she began resisting violently..

Damn I'm late

Hold on my people .

... Anyhow, all I could think of while all this is going on is .. I'm gone be on media take out .. LOL

... Or bossip.com

Scanner Brian adds: "It seemed strange that no one mentioned she would be late. Her group came out without her, late already, kept chanting her name and then abruptly left the stage right at 8pm. The lights went down, so everyone left, angry. As we were at the exit gate, Badu suddenly took the stage, played two songs, and disappeared again. Apparently, they had run out of time and still had to get Explosions in the Sky onstage. Oh well, whatever."

When cops pepper-sprayed, then arrested the fan outside Badu's house, the stalker had arranged various items, like blue shutters, a rabbit, a toucan and a sketch book. Ummm, we would have called the cops, too.

Related:

Roundup: Andy Warhol Is Stalking Me

Conan and Cannolis Brought Out the Dirty Talk in Paula Deen

Sloppy Seconds: The Body Found Outside of Paula Abdul's Home

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

SXSW In Review: The Best Worst Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

Scanner Colleen is a spoiled brat. That's all we're going to say about this photo, which we reluctantly captured for her.

After a week in Austin, we're at Scanner Emily's in Kansas City, Missouri, en route to New York. You can practically smell the burnout on our clothes-- or maybe that's the three-day-old B.O.

Either way, we're exhausted for a 12+ hour drive through most of the state of Texas, all of Oklahoma and Kansas, and finally a quick hop over the Missouri border into Kansas City. Amazingly, Emily drove every inch of the way, including several stretches without the coffee IV in her arm. Along the way, we listened back to all the free music we'd obtained-- and here's what we discovered...

To me, at least, these were the five best acts and/or shows we stood through during Austin's South By Southwest 2009 Music Conference.

Richard Swift - we had just arrived at the Bust Party when this up-and-coming crooner/rocker took the stage at the Mohawk. We all planned to hit the bar and clean them out of Lone Star and/or Shiner Bock when Swift kicked into high gear. (Watch a song from his performance here.) Speaking for myself, I forgot my original first priority and the fact that Bishop Allen were playing next and just stood on the balcony, transfixed by the funky, sweet, and tightly-wound opening performance.

Harlem Shakes - We were at Maggie Mae's, thinking We Were Promised Jetpacks were playing. As the Jetpacks hit the stage, our first thought was, "Man, I think I had them confused with another band-- they're rockin', but something's different. A new lead singer?" It turned out, I had misread the Maggie Mae's poster and I was actually seeing Harlem Shakes, which I only realized after standing through the entire set, knowing I was seeing a true breakthrough performance. I'm glad I did.

M. Ward - Years ago, we saw M. Ward open for Cat Power at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. It was altogether-- and to this day-- the worst concert we've ever seen. Ward played a droning series of piano ballads and seemed lost. Chan came out later on and actually was lost-- wandering into a Jim Morrison-like abyss from which she finally emerged a few years later to become the great stage presence we heard through the hair in her face that night. So, it was with great reluctance that we attended BrooklynVegan's party headlined by Ward, lately of She & Him. Within seconds, we had realized two things: 1) Ward continues to distance himself from his audience and 2) the echo added to his vocals, the catchy new songs, and, most of all, the choice of acoustic guitar over piano made for a dramatic about-face from the 2003 (?) show in New York. Check out his latest record and the instantly catchy "For Beginners."

Ken Haddock - for most of the week, we enjoyed free lunches at Latitude 30's British Music Showcase. None of the performers we saw topped our first show-- that of a group of ragtag Belfast folkies hoping for their own little Once deals. Haddock was our favorite, and someone would be wise to cover his songs ASAP.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - I actually missed their show in the park, but Emily filled us in with some mp3s yesterday. The band, which isn't as (yet) popular as their tour mates Rilo Kiley, seem tighter and more focused than that other California band. Perhaps Thao isn't as distracted by solo projects as Jenny Lewis. Perhaps-- hate to say it-- their music is just better.

There were plenty of notable bands and memorable moments: our friends the Crystal Stilts... the surprise of seeing Dinosaur, Jr. for free at 1:30am at the Bust party... even saving Sylvain Sylvain's cell phone before he was to play with the New York Dolls. But those five artists mentioned above are the ones we came away with expecting we'll be bragging about for the next 12 months.

You should check out their music and do the same.

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Hot Naked Chicks

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Scanner Emily's Suitor

Important Music Trend: Olds Backed Up by Cutes

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

Scanner Brian chastised me as "terrible" at SXSW in Austin last week for admiring some fine male specimens, while silmultaneously engaged to be married. What? I'm not dead! And believe it or not, there are significantly fewer fetching gents/cads in Baton Rouge than there were in Austin, so it was a special occasion.

It's great to see seasoned older musicians, but they don't always provide the best viewing experience. Some veterans throw some younguns onstage, and aesthetics instantly improve. The first instance of olds backed up by a band of cutes was the legendary Roky Erickson, who played with the Black Angels. The band looks better with the trippy colored lights (above), just like their psych rock sounds better with them. These guys and girl ROCKED IT.

And this shot above is pretty much the same but with another band member visible...and a slightly better view of the gang is here with this gratuitous publicity shot.

Exhibit B: Daniel Johnston and these cutes from Brooklyn (of course). They're called the somethings, I forget what, doesn't really matter. I know everyone in music (and Scanner Brian) thinks Daniel Johnston is the cat's meow, but he just made me kind of sad and I couldn't get into his music at all, so instead I focused on the two energetic slender young men on either side of him, before leaving two songs into the set.

So anyway, music industry and music lovers, take note. There should be more of such intergenerational performances.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Hot Naked Chicks

While You Were Sleeping and We Should Have Been: Scanner Emily's Suitor

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:18:00 GMT

Last night we went to BUST magazine's SXSW party at the Mohawk, where the surprise headliners were Dinosaur, Jr. Emily was just saying that she better not leave Austin without at least making out with someone, so we split off from Scanner Brian, who she was calling BF and who might be mistaken for her bf. And that's when she caught someone's eye, big time.

Meet Emily's suitor, "Jose." Jose was smitten with Emily from first sight. In fact, I overheard him say "Who is that? Is she a writer?" As we passed him, before he approached us, then zeroed in on Emily and proceeded to tell her how pretty she is. Over and over. For a lot of the night. Jose was a very sweet, but a very intoxicated gent, bless his heart. (That's a phrase I picked up on this trip to Texas.)

I overheard him saying, "You make me want to go to Missouri all the time."

Emily tried to politely extract herself, but Jose kept finding her again, and despite us telling him that she ass rapes babies and that she has boob herpes, his ardor never waned. We also heard him tell his friends that Emily was his girlfriend.

This photo, taken by Scanner Brian, sums it up.

The best was this exchange:

Scanner Emily: "What have I been telling you all night?"

Jose: "That you're a super hot model."

Oh, Jose. But as Emily summed up, at least we got free beer. (One each. Jose's a gentleman.)

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Last night, all of us Scanner types at SXSW finally met up in person. This photo is about how it went. Emily was calling that dangling bit her phone's penis. I thought she looked rather like a blow-up doll in this shot, so that's going to be her Halloween costume this year.

This is Emily stepping up to the guy from the New York Times. In the background is Fairbanks acting scandalized.

But then everybody made up.

We ended the evening at a karaoke night, where Emily danced with her new boyfriend here, who was then dumped a moment later when we pursuaded her to leave.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Putting an End to Teacher Sex?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:55:00 GMT

We're sorry for possibly giving Scanner Brian a coronary with that headline; if teacher-student sex were to end, what ever would he have to write about? And really, what we're talking about here is only one small step toward putting an end to teacher sex, but one giant step for the state of Utah.

Following reports that not one, but two teachers in the aptly-named town of Bountiful, UT were banging the same underage student, the state's lawmakers have decided to 'study the issue of teacher-student texting.'

We didn't know such practices were even allowed, let alone considered appropriate (the one time we had to call a teacher at home we almost shit our pants) but apparently all the kids are texting their teachers these days. One republican representative, Rep. Sheryl Allen, thinks maybe it's not such a big deal.

"It can be used as a tool to remind students about homework or give them a piece of information. Students are driving this because texting is one of their major modes of communication," she said.

Meanwhile, the two teachers involved in the case, Linda Nef, 46, and Valynne Bowers, 39—who both face first-degree felony charges—will undergo mental health evaluations. We must admit, we are quite curious to know the root of teacher sex? Scanner Brian, maybe you could explain it to us?

[KSL: Teachers accused in sex scandal to undergo mental evaluations]

Related:

Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Today in Teacher Sex: One Does It On The Floor, The Other Runs Off to Mexico with Her Boy

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

Related:

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

Calling All Vintage Vibrators

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

This Drummer Will Be Your Cabana Boy...If the Price is Right

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge had her home broken into by two very bizarre young citizens. In surveillance footage, they can be seen wandering aimlessly from room to room... and back again... and again... without doing much of anything, let alone steal anything or set fire to the place.

Arrested Development: the Movie was finally greenlit, thanks to lazy-assed Michael Cera coming aboard.

This oh-so-adorable young lady was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend's nutsack. Prior to this incident, they had broken up "approximately 20 times," yet she seemed rather surprised to find that the dude had another ladyfriend over for the night.

We were all excited to hear Andy Richter would be rejoining Conan on TV, but it turns out he's just going to be the announcer. Guess Conan's enjoying his solo career.

Can a resident of the UK explain to us why so many Brits use "miles an hour" in their speech? Does it have something to do with the universal use of nautical miles? (Oh, and check out the video we just linked to. The 71-year-old dude quoted in it is our new personal hero.)

The Beatles recorded a version of "Revolution" that was only recently discovered and you really must hear it.

Is McDreamy really leaving the hospital on Grey's Anatomy?

And Maxim men of the world, rejoice: Megan Fox is single again. But before you get any ideas... guess which first name she has tattooed near her crotch? She wouldn't even have to deal with that pesky removal process if she just returned our calls...

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos

Sloppy Seconds: Nine-Year-Old Girl Marries in Texas

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone. My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

[Image]

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Last week, there was a column on CNN.com (via the Frisky) which confronted the incredibly annoying and unsettled question: "Who should pay on a first date?"

Besides the stock answer ("the asker"), there was remarkably little of substance in the story's "debate." Since we could care less about offending people with honesty, we'll now respond with a comment that hung over the proceedings: the discussion is incredibly sexist.

While we agree that the noble thing for the "asker" to do is at least offer to take care of the check and tip and to just deal with it if the other person doesn't take the bait by offering to pay half, that's not really the issue here.

First, we have to address this crazy reaction women gave the Frisky writer for even considering a guy who offered to split the check on a first, second, third, and even fourth date:

In my personal experience, if a woman is in any way visibly or audibly bothered by the suggestion to split the tab at the end of a date, there are two possible outcomes for the relationship...

1) she will be revealed as a person who has unrealistic expectations, what we call the "fairytale model." This person may have an extensive list of specific requirements for a relationship, a list that will limit her to only men who will do anything to prove they are worthy, while all others will move on and avoid the hassle.

2) the woman is looking for an excuse to go back to her friends and tell them "he did this one single thing that pissed me off, never mind the rest of the date was amazing, and so, therefore, I won't return his calls again." This is what we refer to as the "fear of rejection" model. In other words, and I know we may be stretching a bit, some women see a man's desire to pay for dinner as proof of interest, while an offer to split means the guy is either a jerk, a stingy jerk, or a not-interested jerk. In many cases, they may be correct.

These are all, of course, pulled out of my ass and are entirely debatable, but keep in mind they are impressions and we decide whether to call based on these impressions.

Second...

What really annoys us guys about this "first date" debate is unrelated to why women get upset about an offer to split the tab instead of the guy just paying outright. It's actually because of comments like this:

And if you [ladies] don't pay for the whole thing, you should at least offer to split the tab. Incredibly (to me), most women I spoke to thought I was an idiot and firmly believed the dude should always pay on a first date -- though for some this was a recent change of heart.
Kate, a 33-year-old writer told me, "I tend to try to pay for myself, but as I get older and more comfortable with my awesomeness, I kind of wish and hope that the other person will be a little more old-fashioned about it." Good point. If someone's eating opposite Amazing Me, shouldn't she or he pay for the privilege? After all, I'm entertaining and cute and if you let me order dessert there may be some smooching in your future.

While the Frisky writer is probably kidding about those followup comments, "Kate" clearly let some serious sexism slip out in her remarks. We're going to have to do a lot better than this if we're going to have equality between the sexes-- if women want to stop being thought of as sex objects, which men can "rent" by paying for dinner (again, this is the male thinking-- he's paying for dinner, what is he getting out of it?), why would they be so stubborn about a split check?

Even worse, the Frisky story suggests it's practically outrageous to split the check until at least the fourth date. On a personal note, we once dumped a woman for having to pay for her for four dinners in a row: it made her seem like a) she was a conservative and that the real her was still to emerge, b) she was seeing me for the free salmon sandwiches and Chianti. (Matter of fact, that combo should have been a big red flag to begin with....) Or it could've been c) all of the above.

Here's another way of putting it: if you changed the phrase "old-fashioned about it" to "pre-feminist about it," what would you have? You'd have an individual making a complete ass of herself on cnn.com in order to justify their cheapskate point-of-view.

Ladies, we understand why you don't want to split the check-- it's a rough economy out there and dating is extremely expensive, especially when you are still trying to find someone to involve yourself with. But there's only one word for your position on this issue: sexist.

From CNN, via the Frisky.

Related:

'Playboy' Picks Its Ninth Play Boy

Colorado Kids Want to Write About Sex and No One Can Stop Them

WIRED Analysis: Playboy's Incredibly Shrinking Women

Australians Fight Back Against Potential Topless Sunbathing Ban

Billionaires For Bush Say Goodbye... For Now...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Unless Jeb Bush runs for Senate in Florida, wins, and mounts a stunning Bush Family-styled comeback for the White House in 2012, it's fairly likely that the Billionaires For Bush will be no more. We counter-protested a 10,000-person strong peace movement rally and march on the RNC last year under the name "Lobbyists For McCain," with slogans like "Loyal to Big Oil," "Proud Bush-McCain Republican," and, of course, "Four More Years."

Well, it ~~worked~~ failed. The unwashed masses voted for Obama, even though our revered corporations and special interests didn't endorse him. And so we begin a new era-- one without Hummers, without tax cuts directed toward the top 1%-- even without gigantic corporate fountains urinating pure Stolichnaya vodka.

With this in mind, the New York Times interviewed the Lobbyists For McCain, i.e. Billionaires For Bush, in Tuesday's paper...

They were getting along just fine, these Billionaires were, when a terrible thing happened.
George W. Bush left office.
It’s hard to be a Billionaire for Bush when there is no Bush. The group might have recast itself as Billionaires for Obama. But that would have required “irony we can believe in,” said Andrew Boyd, who sometimes goes by his Billionaire name, Phil T. Rich.

“Here’s the conundrum,” Mr. Boyd said. “Can you point out that the emperor has no clothes when you like the emperor — and his clothes?”

Not really, although the Daily Show has had plenty of ammunition lately without specifically attacking President Changey Pants.

“I think we were serious about having our brand lose its brand identity,” said Elissa Jiji or, if you prefer, Meg A. Bucks. Mr. Bartlett observed that “it’s not the time for ostentatious wealth.” Even though there are still plenty of potential targets — Bernard L. Madoff and bonus-hungry Wall Street executives, for example — there seems little point going after them when others are, too.

“They’re no longer held in such esteem that they need to be knocked down,” Mr. Boyd said.

For now, the Billionaires have chosen to put away their gowns, toss aside their top hats and leave their badminton rackets in the closet. Soon after the Obama inauguration, a few dozen of them met at a Greenwich Village bar for what Ms. Jiji described as “a last huzzah.” She had “thought we’d be sad,” she said, “but it was very festive.” Mr. Boyd called it a “farewell to arms contracts.”

But bear in mind that “Billionaires never die,” he said. “We just refinance.”

Have no fear about the end of satire in America, though: Plutocrats For Palin does have a certain ring to it for 2012...

Tax Day with an actual pimp, April 2005.

Jolly Robber Barons: the Billionaire Yacht Club during the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, circa June 2005...

Via the New York Times.

Video of Darin Barry, Andrew Boyd (background), and the author from Minnesota Independent Media.

Related: