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Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

As you may have noticed, we're cleaning house today in preparation for a radically inventive new year, free of server crashes and other taint.

One way of wrapping it up is a post that covers just about everything you missed in 2008 here on Scanner. And while a Best of the Year list is still to come, we want to make sure you get an overall summation of what went down here in the past 365...

In January, we revealed a new study that indicated abortion rates are plummeting, coinciding with the release of Juno. Our readers claimed the real reason is because there are no more abortion clinics. The same month, I, Scanner Brian and Bobby Tisdale mutually invaded the Nerve offices to demand jobs, neither of us realizing what the hell we were doing. The next thing we knew, we were both blogging here and even making a bit of cash (yes, we get paid to write this garbage! Ha ha ha, suckers.)

In Februrary, Scanner Nicole returned from opening for the Stones and we became a bit too obsessed with Valentine's Day, which will happen again in 2009, despite the economy. Scanner Emily threw a party, at which Katie Halper did a bit about her crazy dating life, which lead to a brief stint blogging for Scanner. (We have a higher turnover rate than an American Apparel secretary pool.) We felt better about the younger generation after hearing about this t-shirt protest and became afraid for the future of England after this one.

The Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March and our obsession with Ashley Alexandra Dupre began. The only other story we can recall about March was our Name That Bush contest. The big story would've been the Lindsay Lohan sex tape or the lost frog, had we ever actually found either.

In April, we ruffled some feathers with this misinterpreted post about some photos of Neve Campbell's boobs. Luckily, everyone was distracted by the blog about the passive aggressive notes or some other bullshit.

May saw the beginning of the end of the Democratic primary, although all we cared about is this totally hot actress with the worst outfit on the planet, even this totally nude non-actress was way more memorable. We also began fixating on vegetables with penises, a problem that continues into the current week at Scanner.

In June, Scanner Bryan (my spelling is the correct one, damn it) left us to for a Remote Island, causing total anarchy and a lack of James Lipton jokes. Scanner Nicole interviewed the owner of the Real Dolls and we... well, we couldn't land any interviews with porn stars so we could kickstart our "regular" feature. Most memorably, a woman was seriously injured by her Victoria's Secret thong and, in our then-biggest story ever, a kid died as a result of a urinary tract infection while his prayed. Yikes.

Then Scanner Emily took off for summer camp in New Hampshire and we were left holding the bag... of flaming shit! Just kidding-- our July was a smash success, mostly thanks to Michael Phelps's peen and other deliberately nude Olympians. Meanwhile, the Naked Lady rode again.

August was the month of stupid people. The stupid people who gave out their bank info (to a teenage boy undercover!) in order to access what they hoped would be a library of child porn. Each day's Sloppy Seconds was chock full of idiocy and weirdness, while Highs and Lows, as is the case with the two previously-mentioned August posts, was all about Sweden, the greatest country for sex, nudity, and nutjobs in the world.

In September, Emily returned from her hot (not very), wet (not in that way), American summer. Scanner was on the floor for Sarah Palin's night at the RNC and got involved with a police-led riot. Speaking of Palin, Scanner Emily wrote about virtually nothing else that month-- and we joined her, only because we couldn't resist posting these Photoshop classics.

As for Halloween, we were already talking about (slutty) Halloween costumes on the third day of October. Meanwhile, Hayden (our former love) pretended to support John McCain on Funny or Die. (By the way, more costumes posts here and here.)

Mid-November, we welcomed Scanner Matt and Scanner Emily started some shit with some Facebook Mormons. (We actually first wrote that as "Facebook Morons" and almost kept it.) At Thanksgiving, we were thankful for getting laid, Arlo Guthrie (not by Arlo Guthrie, thank God), and sweeet 'tater not pie.

Over the last month, there have been many brilliant posts, all of them written by myself, of course. Seriously, though, if you missed out on the last month, start here and read back. (Or just read Scanner Colleen's most beloved post.) This has taken us a century to write as is.

See you next year, sucka!

Sloppy Seconds: Is Brenda Back on 90210, Too?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 21:43:00 GMT

Whoopi Goldberg talks anal sex on The View. [GabbyBabble]

Hey, look: some vintage Scarlett Johansson bikini shots. [DerekHail]

We no longer hold the record for going the longest period of time without sex. These little guys have survived 85 million years without it. [Neatorama]

It looks like Scanner Bryan, who is now Island Bryan (or something like that), has to keep up with The Bachelor alumni for his new job. [The Remote Island]

Leave Jamie Lynn alone! Or else you'll get arrested, apparently. [People]

Kelsey Grammer is home after an apparently mild heart attack that landed him in the hospital over the weekend. [Yahoo!]

When a man went in to have his tumor removed, doctors discovered it was a 25-year-old surgical towel. [News.au.com]

Kelly and Donna are returning to the new 90210. So what about Brenda? Apparently there's a petition to get Shannen Doherty to appear on the show. [Us]

Go Visit Scanner Bryan on a Remote Island and Bring Us Back Some Presents

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Just because Mommy and Daddy don't write for the same blog anymore doesn't mean we both don't love you very, very much. It's just that Daddy had to move out because there was another place that needed him even more than we did, if you can believe it.

You can still visit him any time you want and much to Mommy's chagrin, he has a really, really big TV he'll use to bribe you with...

That's right, my darlings, you may have noticed Scanner Bryan's absence over the past few weeks. That's because he's been working to get The Remote Island, Nerve's new TV blog, all ready for your first visit. And who knows TV better than Bryan Christian?

We'll miss him, but hopefully when he can get his mind off of Gossip Girl he'll come visit us every once in a while, and we'll be feeding some of the Remote Island posts into Scanner.

But before you go see him and make Mommy wonder what he did to make you love him more, we need to come up with a new name for him. Because Remote Island Bryan does not sound as catchy as Scanner Bryan. Ideas?

[The Remote Island]

We'd Give Our Left Nut for a Seat on R. Kelly's Jury, If We Had Nuts

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:22:00 GMT

Jury selection began for R. Kelly's child pornography case Friday and continues today, and if we had nuts, we'd give our left one for one of those twelve seats. Maybe Scanner Brian or Scanner Bryan would give Scanner Emily a nut so she could sit on the jury? Guys?

Anyway, Kelly's high profile case is obviously making jury selection tough, and as the wise folks at MTV noted, can there possibly be a group of 12 men and women in Chicago who are impartial enough to give the singer a fair trial?

"You either have to say, 'R. Kelly can never get a fair trial here,' or 'R. Kelly can get a fair trial, given the continuing publicity,' " said California defense attorney Steve Cron. "Because when will you ever not have some publicity? It's never going to go away."

Since Kelly is one of Chicago's favorite sons, it's going to be difficult for either side to find anyone unfamiliar with the case. They'd have to be "living under a rock," said Cron, who defended comedian Paula Poundstone on charges of lewd acts on a minor. What they can hope for, however, is to find potential jurors who have not yet made up their mind. Legal experts agree that there really is no such thing as an impartial jury — that every prospective juror brings to the table his or her own biases. The question then becomes: What kind of jurors would each side want? It's not quite as black-and-white as you might think.

"What makes for good TV is if we say, 'We want black,' 'We want white,' 'We want men,' 'We want women,' " Chicago jury consultant and defense attorney Paul Lisnek said. "And those factors do come into play, but what we have to look at is life experience. That's what's going to influence the way they respond to the evidence in the case, not just whether they are of one race or one religion or another. The bottom line is, cases like this trigger certain underlying issues, deep issues about racial prejudice and underage sexual relations."

What if we looked at this a different way? A jury is supposed to be a panel of "peers," right? So what if the jury was made up of celebrities? Paula Poundstone who's been through this before? Maybe a star who's never been in trouble with the law, like Natalie Portman? Lilo? Jamie Lynn Spears if she was old enough to serve jury duty? To keep it balanced would Nancy Grace have sit in?

If you could choose a celebrity jury for R. Kelly, what 12 stars would you choose?

Babble Our Favorite to Rock the National Magazine Awards...

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:30:00 GMT

... but then, we might be a little biased.

The list of finalists for the 2008 National Magazine Awards—the magazine world’s equivalent of the Oscars—is out, and the New Yorker leads the field with 12 nominations.
[...]
First-time finalists include Nerve Media's Babble.com, Bloomberg Markets, Budget Travel, Chow, Domino, Good, Paste, Play and T (the New York Times sports and style magazines), Radar and Condé Nast Portfolio.

Hearty congratulations and best of luck to Ada and everyone at Babble. You know, in a former life, we were at a magazine that won a few of those Alexander Calder-designed awards, known familiarly (if uncommonly) as Ellies. We had tiny offices, and weren't sure just where to put the unwieldy, surprisingly big awards -- so for a while, one of them wound up on our desk. Probably the best paperweight we'll ever have had.

Click through to see the competition that Babble will CRUSH LIKE BORING LITTLE BUGS!

[via Gawker]

GENERAL EXCELLENCE ONLINE: This category recognizes outstanding magazine websites, as well as online-only magazines that feature original content. The award honors sites that convey a distinct editorial identity and create a unique magazine environment on the Web.

Babble.com
Chow.com
NewYorker.com
Runners World.com
Slate.com

(Oh, full disclosure may be in order here: Scanner Bryan works, in his other job, for the Condé Nast company, and has worked for the NY'er.com website off-and-on for many years. But don't let that fool ya -- we just know Babble's gonna wipe the floor with 'em!)

New Yorkers: Scanner Bryan Needs Strip Club, After Hours Recommendations

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Hi all, Scanner Bryan here, with a special request for all y'all New Yorkers out there. I need recommendations for strip clubs -- and possibly after-hours parties -- for a bachelor party this Saturday night. I know what you're thinking: "What the hell, aren't you supposed to know this sort of thing?" Well, listen, we -- meaning me, the blushing groom, and the rest of the fellas in tow -- met last night and hashed over our current plan for the evening -- limo, beef, bowling, strip clubs, booze, etc., double etc. -- and a few people wondered if, before we committed fully to the itinerary, we couldn't get some ideas from outside the crew. So naturally, I thought about you guys. Wisdom of crowds, isn't that what the web's about? Well, what hornier, sleazier crowd could there be than y'all? (You know we mean that sweetly, right?)

So, any ideas you got: send 'em this way via the comments. Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, anything you got, assuming it ain't super-duper-expensive (we ain't no Rockefellers here). Too scandalous to be on the website? Drop them in the tip box: scanner@nerve.com. We'll totally never tell on you, scouts honor.

(And for those of you who were at our reading last month -- yep, this is the bachelor party I mentioned.)

Tuesday Night: You, Us and a Bottle of Red

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Hey New Yorkers, don't forget to join your Scanner bloggers and special guests (see below) for a pre-Valentine's Day reading and after-party at Rififi Tuesday night.

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: A Pre-Valentine's Day Reading of Sorts
Featuring Nerve.com's Scanner Bloggers and Special Guests
Tuesday, February 12, 8 p.m.
Rififi, 332 East 11th Street, NYC
$5

Featuring Bobby Tisdale, Emily Farris, Will Doig, ~~Sarah Hepola~~, Katie Halper, Bryan Christian, Brian Fairbanks and Nicole Ankowski. We promise chocolates, red hots and maybe you'll laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Or cry. Or neither and then you can eat chocolate and scowl. Then stick around for the after party.

Scanner Bryan is Back From Mardi Gras

Bryan Christian — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Hello, youngsters! I, Scanner Bryan, have returned from the Crescent City -- and sadly, I've not brought back a single picture of boobies. Why you may ask? Well, blame the calendar. Not only was it a somewhat chilly Mardi Gras, but the earliness of the date in the year meant that New Orleans was devoid of the marauding, drunken spring breakers who can generally be counted on to generously donate their nudity to the holiday. It was still a pretty great week, though. Have a look at our pics after the jump -- and if you celebrated the day yourselves, let us know what you were up to!

FYI: Be sure to hover over the "Notes" text in the PictaBrowser slideshow tool to read descriptions of the photos.

Will You Go Out With Us on Tuesday Night? Pretty Please?

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 19:08:00 GMT

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: A Pre-Valentine's Day Reading of Sorts
Featuring Nerve.com's Scanner Bloggers and Special Guests
Tuesday, February 12, 8 p.m.
Rififi, 332 East 11th Street, NYC
$5

Featuring Bobby Tisdale, Will Doig, Emily Farris, Katie Halper, Bryan Christian, Sarah Hepola, Brian Fairbanks and Nicole Ankowski. We promise chocolates, red hots and maybe you'll laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Or cry. Or neither and then you can eat chocolate and scowl.

Save the Date for a Date With Your Bloggers: Feb 12

Emily Farris — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:08:00 GMT

Beloved Scanner readers who reside in the New York metro area, your Scanner bloggers (Scanner Emily, Scanner Bryan, Scanner Brian, Bobby Tisdale and possibly a few other guests) will come together for a pre-Valentine's Day reading at Rififi in the East Village on Tuesday, Feb 12. So save the date and we'll post more details as it approaches, but we can promise lots of four eyed hotties, and chocolate (though Scanner Emily's favorite V-day candy is red hots!)

Scanner Bryan and Scanner Emily Meet in the Real World, Take Bad Camera Phone Pictures

Emily Farris — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:33:00 GMT

Can you believe that the royal we had never met? Scanner Emily was beginning to worry that she only existed on The Internets and not in the real world, so we decided to meet for $9 cocktails and document it. There are just more bad camera phone pictures after the jump. In the end, Scanner Bryan took the phoneputer from Scanner Emily and got both of their heads in the final shot, so if you've been dying to see Scanner Bryan's forehead in its entirety, today's your lucky day.

That's more like it.

Scanner Emily Gives a Hot, Sticky, Sweet Welcome to Bobby Tisdale and Brian Fairbanks

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:14:00 GMT

In my ongoing effort to surround myself with men whose names begin with the letter 'B', I've invited my friends Bobby Tisdale and Brian Fairbanks to join us here at Scanner for a while.

I love them both, for sentimental reasons, and soon, you will, too.

I love Bobby Tisdale because he's pretty famous, and it makes me feel really good about myself to have famous friends. I love Bobby Tisdale because he's enriched my life with Sunday night BINGO at my neighborhood bar. I love Bobby Tisdale because he's hilarious, even though he calls me "Sissy." Mostly, I love Bobby Tisdale because he loves to cuddle and I'm so looking forward to his regular feature, Bobby Tisdale's Cuddle Fest 2008. In between posts, you can stalk him and all that good stuff on his MySpace page.

I love Brian Fairbanks because even though I was just a stranger (sort-of, but we didn't know it at the time), Brian sold me a ticket to a sold-out Wilco show on Craigslist at face value when everyone else was charging hundreds of dollars or only offering tickets in exchange for blow jobs. I love Brian Fairbanks because when you google him, the top hit is an author whose book is called "Brian Fairbanks is Gay." He's promised this is not him. Mostly, I love Brian Fairbanks because his favorite picture of himself is of his interview with Dennis Kucinich for Consumerist, and I'm thrilled to have him covering the presidential campaign as whatever awesome political correspondent title I'm sure he'll make up for himself. Also, you should know he's in love with Chelsea Clinton. Feel free to give him shit for that.

All told, be nice to these guys, give them big, warm welcomes, and try to keep Scanner Bryan and Scanner Brian straight, if it's not too much trouble.

P.S. I'm convinced Brian Fairbanks' first (and still unpublished) novel caused Columbine. Ask him about that later.

Today in Awkward Moments: Couple Marries, Discovers They're Twins

Bryan Christian — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:36:00 GMT

OK, kids, first person singular: I, Scanner Bryan, am an adoptee. My biological parents were 15 and, er, 19 (I think) -- just a couple kids in a jam who felt that handing off their newborn to another couple would be the best thing for all concerned. That's not a decision that I've ever regretted their making, and frankly, although being adopted can often be the source of great insecurity, social confusion, and even tendancies towards self-destruction, I've quite literally never had any problems with it whatsoever.

Why do I mention this? Because the following scenario, which may just sound gross or crazy or kinky to non-adoptees, is still pretty much my worst fucking nightmare. (PS: Major spoiler ahead if your knowledge of mid-90's indie movies isn't fairly encyclopedic.)

A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister, a peer told the House of Lords.

A court annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord Alton said.

The only way it could be more terrifying: if the woman was older, and, well, I'm sure you know where that one's going. Eye-Gouge City.

Still, call me crazy, but I can't help but think that the saddest part of this story is that the couple -- who so far have retained their anonymity -- are no longer married. There's nothing to indicate that the annulment they were granted was actually sought by them; it could easily have been mandated by the court. And in either case, what are you gonna do: un-have the sex? Un-love the person? Maybe the characters played by Chris Cooper and Elizabeth Peña in John Sayles' Lone Star have the right idea: everybody's dealt a shitty hand, best to go with what you got and make the most of it together.

Or maybe not. I mean, what would I do if I discovered something crazy about my wife's family? (Which, BTW, there doesn't seem to be much chance of happening.) Hell, I just don't know.

What about you?

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Insanely sexy Jessica Alba thinks that Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel and Angelina Jolie are "insanely sexy." And she thinks women should have some curves (Jolie excluded, we have to assume):

“I prefer some ass,” she tells Britain’s OK! magazine. “I think women that have a body, that are feminine, with a little shake – that’s what a woman is about.”

What do you have to say about that, Scanner Bryan?

[ShowbizSpy.com: Jessica Alba "Angelina Jolie is insanely sexy"]

Nicole Kidman Pregnancy, Confirmed Therefore it Is

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Everyone in the entire world is reporting that Nicole Kidman is, in fact, finally pregnant. And like our little sister says "Perez Hilton is never wrong." So we're going with it. Plus it's, like, "confirmed."

We hope that she, and Keith Urban, and Scanner Bryan will be very happy.

New York Daily News: It's confirmed: Nicole Kidman pregnant

Babble: Breaking News: Nicole Kidman Pregnancy Confirmed

File Under: The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:00:00 GMT

With the writers' strike going on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, The New York Times reminds us of that which Scanner Bryan has already told us once: we're facing a harsh winter chock-full of bad reality shows, including but not limited to, the return of "American Gladiators."

Luckily, "Lost" will be back.

Previously:
Not Another Writers' Strike Video

Monday Morning Surprise, In Which We Open Up Our Salon Newsletter and Find Scanner Sarah's Boobs

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:34:00 GMT

We saw boobs come across our inbox and immediately knew we had to write about this article at the top of today's Salon Newsletter. Then we looked at the byline: ~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah. Now, we've never actually met Salon Sarah ("we" being Scanner Emily — apparently she and Scanner Bryan go way back) or her boobs, and we can't say we feel her pain (having been blessed or cursed with the opposite problem) but we really liked the article and we're glad she finally found some bras that fit. Now if she can just tell us where to find jeans that stay up when we sit down, we'll be all set.

Osama Bin Lantern Proves Inherent Goodness in Man, Pumpkin-Carving

sarahhepola — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:17:00 GMT

Someone is using that fancy liberal arts education for the important things in life. The Osama Bin Lantern. Or wait, is that Scanner Bryan? (Thanks to Jo.)