Scanner : scanner highs and lows

Scanner Highs and Lows: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

And we looked at plenty of pictures last week...

Highs:

We contemplated the idea of getting a sugar daddy to help us through this difficult economic time and realized it's not the worst idea in the world.

Scanner Brian shared the secrets of a happy marriage (not that he has one... yet).

And then he showed us how to make a baby.

And then he showed us some topless pictures of Jessica Biel.

We considered entering the Miss Fag Hag Pageant.

Umm... Viagra FTW?

The Hipster Grifter (and her boobs) made our week a little more exciting.

Lows:

Mischa Barton almost had another something slip, but thankfully did not.

We did some online dating. Well, some online message receiving.

But at least none of the messages were from this douchebag.

We took a quick glimpse into the industry of female orgasm making.

We visited some old (read: unemployed) friends.

We wondered if Miss California is a Mormon.

Is The Hoff cheating on us???

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which You Did Not Dangle Your Balls in Our Face

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:43:00 GMT

Just because we weren't getting teabagged, doesn't mean somebody wasn't.

Highs:

A sexual term may have been turned into a political one but at least Anderson Cooper was there to set FOXNews straight.

And maybe Marlon Brando would set Anderson Cooper... not straight?

We made fun of some fucking hipsters.

We found a real-life Benjamin Button. Sort-of.

We popped our erotic reading cherry.

We won $200 and in turn owe you a good, hard leg humping.

We appreciated the bearded men around us.

And the erotica of the past.

Oh, and some ridiculous romance novel covers.

We started following Ron Jeremy's cock on Twitter.

Maybe that goofy smile we were sporting in our senior yearbook will pay off some day.

We smiled and LOL'd at the trailer for the documentary about Tiffany stalkers.

We also LOL'd at Lindsay Lohan and the fact that she can LOL at herself.

Lows:

Someone is making a movie about Burlesque and didn't cast Scanner Crush Dita Von Teese. But apparently she's doing alright.

Mel Gibson's Russian lover showed us her boobies.

Adult film star Marilyn Chambers was found dead.

We wished we would have filed our taxes on time.

Someone found out that, yes, when go home drunk and alone we totally troll Facebook for potential booty.

In a moment of sexual frustration we wondered if these ants might be onto something.

And then we found creatures more desperate for sex than we are.

We figured out that maybe NPR hasn't hired us yet because we haven't traveled enough to have a cool name.

We were reminded that parents are not so cool with teachers also being Playboy models.

We were reminded, yet again, that you should always, always, always wear a condom.

Vanity Fair picked their most beautiful woman in the world. We yawned.

We were sorely disappointed with the facial hair, or lack thereof, in Kansas City.

And with Amazon.

Scanner Highs and Lows: We're All Stars in the Peep Show

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:41:00 GMT

We don't know if you can see it or not, but that Peep in the middle totally has an awkward boner for the plus-size peep on the pole.

Highs:

We looked at some awesome tattoos (even though some of you don't like them so much...ahem, Scanner Brian).

We swooned over Neko Case, yet again.

We swooned over plus-size model Crystal Renn for the first time.

We went to a mustache competition (more on that later!).

We took care of some not-so-serious but very important business.

We finally figured out what to do with that crusty dildo.

Scanner Brian put on a shirt that said "this is what a feminist looks like" and then posed with a bunch of pictures of naked women. Just kidding; he put together a pretty great list of feminist icons from a male perspective.

But then he got an awkward boner.

We crushed on a violinist.

And a country music legend. (Beard!)

Maybe his beaver and our beaver might like to get together for a play date sometime soon?

And if not, maybe there's a commenter with a beaver out there for us?

Lows:

We finally decided to follow Jesus. And then unfollowed him immediately.

Mostly because we figured out what Easter is really all about.

Someone found love on Omegle.

What she doesn't know is that it was really this guy.

We found more excuses to get online while drunk.

We remembered Kurt Cobain.

We watched some really bad actors try to spread a really bad message.

We learned that if we want to be safe from flying semen balls, we must move to Oregon.

And that if we want freedom of speech on our license plates we better not move to Colorado.

And that if we get knocked up we better get the hell out of Missouri.

FOXNews tried to tell us that Mr. Rogers is responsible for all the world's problems.

And we wondered if maybe this kid needed a little more Mr. Rogers in his life.

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Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:37:00 GMT

But now that we've had some distance, we can finally look back on what you may have missed while you were busy jerking off to old pictures of Cloris Leachman.

Highs:

We learned that Roseanne was a Riot Grrrl (sort-of) and wished we would have been cool enough to appreciate it back then.

We celebrated National Cleavage Day by looking back at some of our favorite boob stories.

We brought back our old friend Marry, Fuck or Kill. This time it was a sexy doctor edition.

Iowa—IOWA!—legalized gay marriage.

And this gay bishop made us almost appreciate religion again. Almost.

Scanner Brian gave into the goodness of TV. Sort of. (Boner!)

Scanner Colleen told those mother fuckers what's up. Sort of.

And we told those dumb ass publicists what's up.

And we called out some other assholes, just for the hell of it.

We decided we want to be just like Cloris Leachman when we grow up (except we'll eat meat).

On the way to being like Cloris maybe we'll make a little stop in Isabella Rossellini land.

Lows:

We begged for your help. More than once. (P.S. We are still begging for your help.)

We watched a very strange commercial, indeed. One that perpetuated the myth that Asians have very little pubic hair.

We figured out what we want for Christmas.

We felt a little bad for Marisa Tomei.

Scanner Ina tried out Omegle. We did not learn from her mistake.

Scanner Brian made our vaginas hurt. No, not like that, you perverts!

We felt really old when we were reminded it's been 15 years since Kurt Cobain died.

We refused to participate in April Fool's Day. Apparently we were the only ones.

We wondered why Girl Scout Cookies are so damn inaccessible!

And this was probably our favorite story of the week. Sham! Wow!

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

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Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We can hardly believe it either (and don't worry: our precious pussy is still alive and well).

Highs:

We can only hope to age as well as these women.

And that we'll be as ballsy as this one when we hit that age.

We saw Keith Richards whip it out. Sort of.

We had way too much fun with Wikipedia audio.

And with Google image search.

We found out newest volunteer project.

This guy (or gal) Twat the best.

We learned that human breast milk tastes just like or better than cow milk when put in delicious cupcakes.

This was after we discussed whether or not one should suckle it.

And quite possibly the most important high of all: we are no longer on the road to becoming a crazy cat lady.

Lows:

Our vaginas cringed.

We learned even more about why we're so bad at dating.

Tonya Harding came back into our lives. (But did she ever really leave?)

Apparently not too many of us are having regular sex.

And if we keep reading shit like this, we'll never want to have sex again.

Especially if online porn is dying.

Since when was "bobbit" a verb?

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Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

We're closing down shop a little early today because we've reached that point in the week when we can no longer put words together. Well, we reached it a few hours ago and realized, 'hey, we have a job that allows us to drink while we work,' so that helped us put these words together. A little. Also, this picture is the first thing that's made us laugh all day, so shut up.

Highs:

We made a promise that we will keep if you can provide the right conditions.

This made us laugh. Out loud.

So did this guy.

We learned that dating is not dead.

We considered moving to California.

While Scanner Brian considered moving to Maine.

And Scanner Colleen decided she won't be moving to Jamaica any time soon.

And he asked who should pay on a first date.

We found out there was a nip slip at the Oscars after all (and we have the one picture to prove it).

You were as confused and strangely pleased by this video as we were.

We discussed Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Lows:

Scanner Brian made us realize, yet again, how lucky we are not to have a penis of our own to play with.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We (hopefully only temporarily) lost our boner for Seth Rogen.

We found out we have some serious competition.

Scanner Brian told us something we probably could have told us if he'd ever bothered to ask.

We were forced to think about Rush Limbaugh for the first time in a long time.

We misspelled the name of a prosthetic dog testicle company. Oops.

We learned that perhaps it's time to mess with Texas.

We developed a healthy fear of household appliances.

The Crazy Baby Lady got an offer to do porn.

Then a counter offer not to.

We wondered if we had a dating problem or a drinking problem. (We think we know the answer now, thanks).

And then we found the last thing in the world we need.

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Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Okay, so maybe we did more than a little star fucking. One might even say we went overbaord.

Highs:

We drooled (and debated) over some big beautiful women.

We continued to hold out hope that our bearded man Joaquin Phoenix is a'ight. Even though he appears to be the opposite of a'ight.

We helped a friend end a bad relationship.

We fell in love with a Koala bear.

We started to wonder if it's true that one can be either hot or smart (not both) and began to appreciate our brains a little more.

We may live in the worst dating city ever, but at least we don't live in the worst city ever.

Dr. Ruth helped us figure out what to do tomorrow night.

The Dalai Lama began following us on Twitter!

We love Lily Allen and we don't care who knows it.

We asked Judah Friedlander out (no, really, we did and he wrote back.. but if we go out I'm not blogging about it, per his request).

Also, we kind-of, sort-of found a way to make our Ryan Gosling fantasies come true.

We found some pretty fucking cool Valentine's Day presents.

Zoorotica. 'Nuff said.

Oh, and animals that are not doing dirty things: Westminster dog show photos.

Lows:

We had to confront the fact that we've been with a lot of people, but not in a long, long time.

And we thought Grand Theft Auto was disturbing!

The Grammys screwed M.I.A. (By the way, has she popped that baby out yet?)

After a week of eating super healthy (okay, not really), we had a strange craving for hamburgers.

We're still trying to decide what's worse: the crazy dog lady or the crazy baby lady.

Maybe we don't have a Valentine because no one knows when Valentine's Day falls on the calendar?

We cried over this video (and so did you!).

We figured out why we're deliciously fat.

Um, this baby is smarter than us (also we really love watching videos of babies).

FUCK!

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Scanner Highs and Lows: All Aboard the Crazy Train

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

We would like to thank the Crazy Baby Lady, Christian Bale, the cutter, Paula Deen and numerous others for making us feel a little more sane this week.

Highs:

We had the best workout ever, well, considering we haven't had sex in months.

When we finally do have sex, we'd like it to be with this bearded man.

Scanner Brian gave it to us.

Andy Dick made us feel better about that time we threw up in a cab.

And the Crazy Baby Lady made us feel better about being a crazy cat lady.

In fact, we're not all that crazy at all.

We found our new idol.

That is if we didn't already.

We defended Jennifer Aniston even though we're just not that into her.

We're not a big fan of the LOL. But this video made us LOL.

Speaking of videos, we think we found our calling.

Lows:

Our meager boobs hurt just looking at this.

We had to start thinking about Valentine's Day.

We're going to get wrinkled and go bald. Soon, apparently.

If we don't die of sex cancers first.

If we die of sex cancers, we'd like to be buried in this.

Christian Bale's roid rage came to a head.

The music died. Again.

We're pretty sad we missed the Smiths' Speed Dating, which was four doors down from our old apartment.

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Scanner Highs and Lows: Saturday Night Beard

Emily Farris — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 02:55:00 GMT

It's possible our beard obsession is getting a little out of control.

Highs:

We inaugurated President Barack Obama!

To celebrate we had virtual sex with Sasha Grey.

We blogged for choice!

We learned Scanner Brian is really good at writing alliterative headlines.

We learned we can write more than 300 words at a time.

We found someone who's more of a crazy cat lady than we are!

And a newscaster who thinks the new first couple is into fisting.

We found every Rush nerd's dream bride.

LOST came back, with a beard!

Lows:

We spent a little too much time trolling craigslist for... we don't really know what.

We actually found a beard we didn't like.

And one of our bearded men had a little problem.

Some figure skater's nipple tried to show up Janet Jackson's nipple.

We can't decide if we're glad or sad this guy isn't our neighbor.

We started to worry about one of our favorite magazines.

We made relentless fun of Rick Warren's inauguration FAIL.

We found out the make-up gun is real.

Ugh. Fucking anti-choice men with their fucking anti-choice SUVs. They think they can just run them into whatever Planned Parenthood building they want, eh?

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:59:00 GMT

Because sometimes blogging is more fun when you're drunk...

Highs:

Fuck yeah, Ryan Gosling! Fuck YEAH!

PETA's sea kittens cracked us up in a totally we're-not-taking-you-seriously way. We think.

Boobs. Hilarious, spinning boobs.

Turns out we're not the only ones who haven't seen Star Wars.

We found the funniest graphic ever.

And the hariest bush ever.

We considered the hilarity that would result from Cindy McCain appearing on "Dancing With the Stars."

Mmm. Beards. Bears. Beards and food.

We played a fun little game.

We found the cutest video so far this year.

Or wait, was this it?

Lows:

Turns out we just moved to the worst city for dating, ever.

So then we broke down and twat. What? Yeah.

We were thrilled and creeped out by the Filipino Obama.

Turns out not all Swedes are hot. WTF?

We found our new weight loss strategy: read this every time we're hungry.

We found yet another reason to fight for socialized healthcare everywhere.

We hope we didn't say goodbye to the beard.

We were glad to say goodbye to these Golden Globe hairstyles.

Um, hometown pride?

We experienced the winter blues.

We still don't know what to make of all this.

We got into it with Sarah Palin.

Lower:

Amy Winehouse.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Narrowly Avoided Getting Sunburned Nipples

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Don't worry. No nipples were harmed in the compiling of this list...

Highs:

We grew quite fond of Diablo Cody.

We crushed hard. Which reminded us of a hard fall.

We obsessed over an old flame.

We learned our Sarah Palin baby name.

Something we already knew was confirmed for us.

We learned how to stop manboobs before they happen.

We decided once and for all we're perfectly fine with our pasty, white skin.

Lows:

We saw some nipples we don't care much about.

We watched Kim Kardashian's sex tape.

Who knew a simple blog post could give us the heebeegeebees? No really.

We wondered if the secret to keeping a man is to get the same hairstyle he has?

We decided we'll never wear pink again.

Y'all got your panties in an uproar over something we re-posted in jest (and obviously don't endorse) Talk about shooting the messenger.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We figure, what with all the topless women running around the site this week, we're going to offset it with some ridiculous Speedo action... and the following stories...

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole has figured out how to trap men. Luckily, this post didn't say anything about marriage...

A nationwide rally reminds us women are allowed to go bare-breasted in public in this country. As one reader put it, who besides Fred Phelps is dumb enough to disallow this behavior?

More naked Olympian dudes, please. And any excuse to show Daniel Radcliffe in the buff is fine by us.

We have no problem saying a repeat pervert harassing women at work deserves some pain-- unless he wants it, of course.

Michael Phelps, you may be awesome and you may be entitled to any mermaid you want, but stay away from the redhead who's in "The Little Mermaid" Broadway show, okay? We called dibs months ago.

And we celebrated the opening of the Erotic Heritage Museum, where this blog will hopefully end up someday...

LOWS:

This guy wants women to go topless... in his office. By the way: he's a married father of two and the women who wants to go topless are the teenage interns at his job as a New York State Assemblyman.

Googlers in Kentucky and Virginia are very interested in sex, but not the pretty kind, we don't think...

Floridians, meanwhile, are too concerned that a bigoted asshole gets away with his crimes to be Googling "lesbian sex."

We kinda wish these mean ol' debate coaches had overseen the lives of those "Spellbound" kids-- now that would be a movie!

This could also be a high point in our week-- the story of a couple that got tasered and jailed and their wedding night, then repeated the joyous experience the following evening.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Toplessness On Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:27:00 GMT

This week we highlighted the world's growing insanity, lawlessness, and love for full-on nude parades...

Highs:

We got away with having a pair of topless women in a hot tub... in a gallery's window.

We made celebrity memoirs a lot more readable by doctoring their imagined covers.

Some loser "families" thought a bunch of topless women on motorcycles was somehow "inappropriate." We showed them what was what.

We encouraged you to have an affair with our husband.

We found out we're STFree.

We did some ogling of the lovers of celebrities.

We ogled a Japanese porn sensation. A 73-year-old Japanese porn sensation.

Lows:

We lamented the loss of nudity in Cosmo.

Larry King got wasted. At least he didn't make a sex tape.

Amy Winehouse can't handle her liquor either.

We debated the worst model-turned-actress's performance.

We marked the death of a relationship.

And we're ashmed of ourselves for laughing at John Mayer... and TMZ. Wait, we're really not...

Previously:

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is That a Hot Dog in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Us?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:35:00 GMT

Because we're happy to see you, too...

Oh, sorry. We were actually talking to the hot dog. We're really excited to see the hot dog. Aren't you? That's why we'll keep this highs and lows business short this short week.

Highs:

We began our countdown of the 50 sexiest albums you must own (50-41, 40-31, 30-21, 20-11)

We learned why our areolas are so pale.

We learned that sex is really good for you. And can even save your life.

Lows:

We crushed on Pete Wentz (and his huge penis!).

We let ourselves get involved in a celebrity clusterfuck.

We finally found one part of our body we never want to get tattooed.

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:13:00 GMT

We like to think that in addition to showing you pictures of boobs, we're doing a public service here at Scanner. We want you to get dates and have sex and look at great pictures... of many things.

Highs:

The UCLA Undie Run, of course.

Helen Mirren "promotes healthy nudity." Yes she does.

We found out you'd rather watch Kristen Davis' sex tape than Lindsay Lohan's.

And you'd probably still do Jamie Lee Curtis, even at 50.

Scanner Emily found her reason for living. And yes, it has a beard.

We learned what angels sound like when they masturbate.

We learned we're pretty great at Photoshopping. Don't you think?

We want you to draw pictures of prostitutes.

We tried to help Internet geeks get women in the real world, too.

We found out we might be totally normal for liking to sniff our partners' underarms.

Lows:

We experienced some weddings from Hell.

We don't really dig Miss Bimbo. Which probably makes us feminazis.

We admitted to loving Julia Allison and "Men in Trees."

We're a little ashamed that these kids who celebrated the end of their term with a giant orgy are our heroes.

Live Links commercial: a low for Evangeline Lilly, a high for those of us hating on Kate right now.

South Park just didn't come through with the boobage.

They did, however, kill Britney Spears. And we laughed at it.

Amy Winehouse's face scared us. Almost as much as this baby doll did.

Image via pacificdave.com