Scanner : scanner nicole

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

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Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

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In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

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Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

As you may have noticed, we're cleaning house today in preparation for a radically inventive new year, free of server crashes and other taint.

One way of wrapping it up is a post that covers just about everything you missed in 2008 here on Scanner. And while a Best of the Year list is still to come, we want to make sure you get an overall summation of what went down here in the past 365...

In January, we revealed a new study that indicated abortion rates are plummeting, coinciding with the release of Juno. Our readers claimed the real reason is because there are no more abortion clinics. The same month, I, Scanner Brian and Bobby Tisdale mutually invaded the Nerve offices to demand jobs, neither of us realizing what the hell we were doing. The next thing we knew, we were both blogging here and even making a bit of cash (yes, we get paid to write this garbage! Ha ha ha, suckers.)

In Februrary, Scanner Nicole returned from opening for the Stones and we became a bit too obsessed with Valentine's Day, which will happen again in 2009, despite the economy. Scanner Emily threw a party, at which Katie Halper did a bit about her crazy dating life, which lead to a brief stint blogging for Scanner. (We have a higher turnover rate than an American Apparel secretary pool.) We felt better about the younger generation after hearing about this t-shirt protest and became afraid for the future of England after this one.

The Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March and our obsession with Ashley Alexandra Dupre began. The only other story we can recall about March was our Name That Bush contest. The big story would've been the Lindsay Lohan sex tape or the lost frog, had we ever actually found either.

In April, we ruffled some feathers with this misinterpreted post about some photos of Neve Campbell's boobs. Luckily, everyone was distracted by the blog about the passive aggressive notes or some other bullshit.

May saw the beginning of the end of the Democratic primary, although all we cared about is this totally hot actress with the worst outfit on the planet, even this totally nude non-actress was way more memorable. We also began fixating on vegetables with penises, a problem that continues into the current week at Scanner.

In June, Scanner Bryan (my spelling is the correct one, damn it) left us to for a Remote Island, causing total anarchy and a lack of James Lipton jokes. Scanner Nicole interviewed the owner of the Real Dolls and we... well, we couldn't land any interviews with porn stars so we could kickstart our "regular" feature. Most memorably, a woman was seriously injured by her Victoria's Secret thong and, in our then-biggest story ever, a kid died as a result of a urinary tract infection while his prayed. Yikes.

Then Scanner Emily took off for summer camp in New Hampshire and we were left holding the bag... of flaming shit! Just kidding-- our July was a smash success, mostly thanks to Michael Phelps's peen and other deliberately nude Olympians. Meanwhile, the Naked Lady rode again.

August was the month of stupid people. The stupid people who gave out their bank info (to a teenage boy undercover!) in order to access what they hoped would be a library of child porn. Each day's Sloppy Seconds was chock full of idiocy and weirdness, while Highs and Lows, as is the case with the two previously-mentioned August posts, was all about Sweden, the greatest country for sex, nudity, and nutjobs in the world.

In September, Emily returned from her hot (not very), wet (not in that way), American summer. Scanner was on the floor for Sarah Palin's night at the RNC and got involved with a police-led riot. Speaking of Palin, Scanner Emily wrote about virtually nothing else that month-- and we joined her, only because we couldn't resist posting these Photoshop classics.

As for Halloween, we were already talking about (slutty) Halloween costumes on the third day of October. Meanwhile, Hayden (our former love) pretended to support John McCain on Funny or Die. (By the way, more costumes posts here and here.)

Mid-November, we welcomed Scanner Matt and Scanner Emily started some shit with some Facebook Mormons. (We actually first wrote that as "Facebook Morons" and almost kept it.) At Thanksgiving, we were thankful for getting laid, Arlo Guthrie (not by Arlo Guthrie, thank God), and sweeet 'tater not pie.

Over the last month, there have been many brilliant posts, all of them written by myself, of course. Seriously, though, if you missed out on the last month, start here and read back. (Or just read Scanner Colleen's most beloved post.) This has taken us a century to write as is.

See you next year, sucka!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu, Scanner Nicole Is Leaving You

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:16:00 GMT

When one says "good bye" it sometimes feels like a good time to do something mildly inadvisable that you've always wanted to do, but refrained from because it's the kind of thing you wouldn't be able to show your face after doing.

Hence, the rhyme in the title. Confession: I want to write rhyming titles every day, all the time. Don't know why, cannot explain this cheeseball implus, but there it is...I've said it and now it lives in the Internet forever.

OK, anyway, the other, more pertinant item is that as of today, I'll be leaving Scanner as a contributor for (sadly) much less sexually-themed pastures. Good news is that I'll be back sometimes as a guest blogger. Bad news: the rest of the time I'll miss the mess out of the talented, lovely, and overwhelmingly patient Emily Farris and Brian Fairbanks.

They are the shit. Let them be your light. Also, please give a warm, heartfelt welcome to my replacement. He may be young and a little green, but no amount of experience can compare to the Word of God.

I'll still be around the Interwebs, mainly here and here. Stop by, say "what's up?" anytime.

While You Were Sleeping: Ashley Alexandra Dupre Finally Talked

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 16:03:00 GMT

We haven't been watching this season of Dancing With the Stars but we have been watching clips of Cloris Leachman and her cleavage online and we're sad to say she's not one of the top three contestants on the show. [Yahoo!]

Stem-cell surgery: coming to a human organ near you. [NYT]

Malia and Sasha Obama got their first tour of the White House yesterday. They were invited by Laura Bush to check out their new rooms. [Us]

In her first interview since she was found to be pleasuring former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer for money, Ashley Alexandra Dupre spoke with People. What would she like you to know? That she's a normal girl. [People]

Scanner Nicole, who already knew this, will be watching Diane Sawyer interview Dupre Friday night on 20/20. Expect a full report. [Daily News]

Allow Us to Introduce Scanner Nicole's Partner in The Dance

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:06:00 GMT

As any of you who saw Scanner Nicole dance herself on and off a table this weekend can confirm, she and the graceful nymph in this video graduated from the same dance academy with honors. (Seriously, this is exactly how I dance, but usually I'm holding a tall boy of Budweiser.)

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We figure, what with all the topless women running around the site this week, we're going to offset it with some ridiculous Speedo action... and the following stories...

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole has figured out how to trap men. Luckily, this post didn't say anything about marriage...

A nationwide rally reminds us women are allowed to go bare-breasted in public in this country. As one reader put it, who besides Fred Phelps is dumb enough to disallow this behavior?

More naked Olympian dudes, please. And any excuse to show Daniel Radcliffe in the buff is fine by us.

We have no problem saying a repeat pervert harassing women at work deserves some pain-- unless he wants it, of course.

Michael Phelps, you may be awesome and you may be entitled to any mermaid you want, but stay away from the redhead who's in "The Little Mermaid" Broadway show, okay? We called dibs months ago.

And we celebrated the opening of the Erotic Heritage Museum, where this blog will hopefully end up someday...

LOWS:

This guy wants women to go topless... in his office. By the way: he's a married father of two and the women who wants to go topless are the teenage interns at his job as a New York State Assemblyman.

Googlers in Kentucky and Virginia are very interested in sex, but not the pretty kind, we don't think...

Floridians, meanwhile, are too concerned that a bigoted asshole gets away with his crimes to be Googling "lesbian sex."

We kinda wish these mean ol' debate coaches had overseen the lives of those "Spellbound" kids-- now that would be a movie!

This could also be a high point in our week-- the story of a couple that got tasered and jailed and their wedding night, then repeated the joyous experience the following evening.

Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

We thought we'd spice up your Friday with the Scanner equivalent of jalapeño peppers.

1) Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

With this post, we swear, we didn't plan it in advance or have any knowledge what would happen would happen.

2) This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

Apparently, Googling "homosexualmania" does not get you this post. Shame.

3) Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Didn't she try for a decade with Tom Cruise? Hasn't she been trying for years? Aren't celebrities so strange they might fake a pregnancy to a) help their careers and/or b) cover for the fact that they adopted/cradle-robbed/did something else to obtain a baby, thinking that, somehow, their box office will plummet if they don't have a "real" birth soon?

4) Is Batman's Crime-Fighting Simply A Cry For Help?

Scanner Nicole muses...

5) "Just A Fun Loving Nerd!!!" Just The Man For Us

Yeah, but those photos gotta be -shopped, right?

6) Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar?

Some are saying Eartha Kitt.

7) Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

It turns out the original New York article has become the the source of the most letters to the editor in that magazine's history...

8) "I Had Sex With My Brother" One Woman's Blue Lagoon

Some questioned our historical accuracy (Brooke Shields was that dude's cousin, after all), some just questioned.

9) Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

We were setting ourselves up for this one. There's still a debate on legal issues in the comments-- wait, it's interesting, we swear!

10) Watch the Homophobic Snickers Ad Pulled From TV

We're not controversial for posting it, we're controversial for associating ourselves with the fellow countrymen who produced it.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

This week, we got down with O.P.P. You remember O.P.P....

Scanner Emily is off to Vegas and will talk about all her naughty, naughy adventures uncensored.

We caught TV talking heads in mid-"O."

Angelina talked about her private sex life that's not really that private.

We told people how to find your G-spot. You're welcome.

We got nostalgic for indecent exposure.

Scanner Nicole delved deep into the sex lives of the elderly. And lived.

We showed you a baby with an extra penis. On his back.

We exposed phone sex workers for what they are. Which is... uh... phone sex workers.

We exposed uppity, meddling do-nothings who videotape lingerie shoppers.

Our guest blogger Steve rose a stink on Fark with his blasphemous assertion that Jesus-- gasp!-- had short hair.

And Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had dueling stories about our married lives in 1939 vs. today. Thank God things have changed.

Now go out and enjoy your private life... in public, if you must. We promise not to write about it.

Video of the Day: Sweet Emotion (From the Vaults)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole's post today about phone sex operators reminded us of this classic Aerosmith video.

As teenagers, we were mighty turned on by this and began to understand why sex on a telephone could be kind of hot. Not that we've ever called a 900 number... or will ever do so and admit it.

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Zooey Deschanel

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:04:00 GMT

Everybody's already in love with actress-turned-indie-rock-darling Zooey Deschanel, which is why, I, Scanner Brian hate myself for having to jump on the bandwagon.

1) The new season of "Weeds," on which Zooey is occasionally featured, premieres on Monday, my birthday, and also features Mary-Louise Parker. If a woman, any woman, can stand out (in talent, looks, presence, etc.) on a show with Mary-Louise, she's gotta be awesome.

2) The She & Him performance from Conan with Yo La Tengo backing them up. We'd show you that video, which Scanner Nicole has posted, except the link is down. And we wouldn't want you to have Zooey's amazing voice stuck in your head.

3) Just kidding, we're going to make you hear her anyway, via this great little animated short, featuring Zooey and M. Ward covering Smokey Robinson:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Was All About The Ladies

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 23:03:00 GMT

Well, it was about all of the ladies but one, and we were pretty okay with that. But seriously, if you like ladies, you'll love this week's Highs and Lows.

Highs:

Scanner Emily finally met and then got a booty call from ~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah.

We finally understand what trust is.

Bob Dylan commented on a presidential election for probably the first time in our lifetime.

We found a new TV show about sex to obsess over.

Babeland is one step closer to Scanner Nicole, one giant step closer to a bunch of babies.

We watched a totally fucking hot Dita Von Teese striptease. A Dita Von Tease?

We agreed to show Jon Lajoie our girl parts.

2 Girls, 1 Cup birthday cake. Need we say more? Except we'd be totally down for 2 Girls, 1 Cake.

The "Sex and the City" movie made a pretty penny.

We clicked for boobies, but you should continue to do so.

We learned Scanner readers have big hearts: as of Friday afternoon, 53% of you wanted to comfort Lily Allen by sporking her.

We also learned that Scanner readers have not only a good knowledge of viruses and their plural forms but that you have good taste as well: as of Friday afternoon 88% of you would rather have chicken pox in your vagina than a Rachael Ray tattoo on your back (whew.)

Scanner Brian was really nice to Hillary Clinton.

And we saluted her.

Lows:

In the end, Clinton lost the Democratic nomination. Probably a high for the party, but a low for the Clintons (though we bet Bill is a little secretly relieved).

But we celebrated the women's vote.

Scanner Bryan left us for an Island.

We were a little saddened to hear a woman say that women can't cook and fuck well.

But this made us even sadder for women.

We asked you to help us figure out what the hell is up with all the springtime break-ups. But we still don't really know.

The man who put women in sexy pants died in France.

Scanner : scanner nicole

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu, Scanner Nicole Is Leaving You

While You Were Sleeping: Ashley Alexandra Dupre Finally Talked

Allow Us to Introduce Scanner Nicole's Partner in The Dance

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Video of the Day: Sweet Emotion (From the Vaults)

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Zooey Deschanel

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Was All About The Ladies