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In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 21:07:00 GMT

10. "The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

The joy of being a blogger, as opposed to a reporter or newspaper writer (you know, "real journalists"), is that we have the freedom to throw whatever the hell we want up on the web for everyone to see. Sometimes it's a picture or a video, but in November we were so incensed by a discussion over Proposition 8 that happened on a former classmate's Facebook page, we had to share it with you. Read more...

9. The Room: The Best Bad Movie We've Never Seen

Another great thing about being a blogger is that as long as we can make them funny, we are free to write about things that are not exactly relevant, or even timely. But we consider "The Room," a five-year-old box office flop, to be totally worth a few hundred words and a few minutes out of our day. Read more...

8. Review: Mail Goggles

At first we really thought Google's Mail Goggles were a good idea—nay, a great idea. Then we realized we're better at math when we're drunk. Read more...

7. RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Originally, we brought Scanner Brian on to cover politics. When he could no longer deny his fondness for boobies and tabloid news stories, however, things got a little more exciting for all of us. But that didn't keep him from going to the RNC and reporting back to us each day. Read more...

6. Groupie Shocked To Find Out Pop Music Douche Used Her For Her Body

Really, folks, the headline says it all. Read more...

5. Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It

If you do not want to watch footage of a seven-year-old girl suckling on her mother's teet, do not click on this post. Read more...

4. The La Pequeña Series

You may think the Internet is for porn, but we know that it was really created for this tiny man and his big videos.

a) Video of the Day: Pequeña Amy Winehouse

b) Video of the Day: The Only Thing Better than Pequeña Amy Winehouse...

c) Video of the Day: La Pequeña Sarah Palin

3. 10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Nothing warms our hearts more than 10-year-old neocons with misspelled, homemade signs. Read more...

2. Roe v. Wade 35 Years Later

On the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we wrote what was, by far, the most personal and revealing post (save for "we got drunk and did something stupid" posts) we've ever written on Scanner. While there was definitely a "we got drunk and did something stupid" element, we wanted to write about abortion without being preachy. And we'll admit, we were pretty bummed this post got so little traffic. Read more...

1. An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

We sometimes wonder if we're in the wrong business. Because while we often crack ourselves up as bloggers, other times we imagine we could help people profit from their seemingly unfortunate situations. For example, earlier this year when it was revealed that then New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had been seeing a high class call girl from New Jersey, we stepped in almost immediately to make sure one Miss Ashley Alexandra Dupre didn't become Joe "Boobies" Francis' newest meal ticket. While she didn't exactly heed our advice, we sincerely hope she's doing okay. Read more...

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Scanner Santa has a slew of gift ideas for you: sex toys, DVDs, a pair of shoes and... an artificial virginity hymen?

Plus, there's a mother lode of delectable posts you missed out on this week...

HIGHS:

Fleshbot stuffed our stockings with dildos.

The 1925 office party almost made us wish we worked in an actual office instead of in our underwear.

Santacon: the only holiday event we participate in, besides gift-receiving.

The publishing industry is in turmoil-- get people books as presents, if you can.

It's the end of the year: time to crown a new Miss World and imprison the losers in a zoo.

Cops and hookers celebrated the holiday as only they can(not, under police rules.)

Scanner Verena drooled over the Santa undie run.

Joe Biden got himself a lovely Christmas present.

We're no longer afraid of Mike Tyson, thanks to how much turkey he obviously ate last month.

Italian scientists gave the women of the world the greatest gift of all: orgasms.

LOWS:

George Bush ducked a pair of shoes-- this would've been a high, if not for his excellent reflexes.

He responded to the controversy by releasing this atrocious video of his family's acting skills, which are worse than Leonardo DiCaprio's.

Paula Abdul also dumped some holiday crap on us.

We're still trying to figure out how Scanner Matt narrowed down this list to a mere 5 shittastic Christmas commercials.

This holiday season, skip the rom-coms that will be cropping up in your gift boxes.

The Artificial Virginity Hymen should not be on Christmas list. Just stop.

Meanwhile, Time Warner wasted time it should've better spent fixing New York's internet problems by producing this calendar.

And we're not sure if this is a high or a low: but an obviously poor boy broke into a dollar store to play with some of their toys. Merry Christmas, kid.

Same with this: Scanner Emily peaced out on NYC, moved to Missoura. We'll miss her physical presence up North, but she'll still be around in our Google chats and sidebars, for sure, starting next week.

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Scanner : scanner verena

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City