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Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:49:00 GMT

We know it's hard to quit Facebook, the awful and unreadable website that networks socials.

But it may be advisable not to post status messages of any kind when you're on sick leave... my Mom works for an insurance-fraud investigation company and the first thing they check is your Facebook page-- to see if it says something like "Back home from the hospital, kicking back and playing Nintendo Wii with both of my broken hands!"

This dumbass should've known better...

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A NEW WINDOW AND THE LARGER PHOTO

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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Mother-Daughter Clones To Sign Porn Contract Any Day Now...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:25:00 GMT

The first thing you'll notice about this article is that there is no mention of a husband/father figure in the lives of these two women.

The women in question are Janet and Jane Cunliffe, a mother and daughter pair that look almost nothing alike, even after mom spent 10,000 English pounds on plastic surgery to, as she requested, look more like her child. Why would anyone do that?

The questions that remain with us after viewing this disturbing photo:

1) Isn't it obvious to everyone around them that Mom is desperately trying to be like her daughter (and failing?)

2) What kind of person puts their daughter through this photo shoot for a major publication like the Daily Mail?

3) Which one's the daughter?

'It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she's gorgeous. Who wouldn't want to look like her?

'The way I see it is that she got her looks from me in the first place - mine have just faded with age.

'Seeing how attractive Jane is made me want to get my looks back. Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins. I had good genes and good skin, but I needed a helping hand to make me feel better about myself.'

Certainly Janet wasn't always such a head-turner. Just a few years ago, she was a size 14 redhead and felt, she says, dowdy and unattractive.

Not, she insists, that she was ever vain. [Oh, definitely not now, that's for sure. - Ed.] 'I didn't have time for vanity in my 20s as I was too busy bringing up Jane and her brother, Pete,' she says.

Commenters on various blogs had their own concerns:

I imagine the husband is royally creeped out.

I imagine he is no longer the husband.

-I wonder what it would have cost her to look like someone attractive.

-daughter responds by spending twice that much on psychiatric sessions

-How is this news? These women are EVERYWHERE in Texas.

Via the Daily Mail.

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots.

It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie.

First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal in Vermont?

A good way to figure out how to meet people is to find out how other people are meeting people.

Blake Fielder-Civil apparently knocked up his mistress.

This photo of a woman getting chewed on by a polar bear is scary and one of the strangest we've ever seen in a major news story.

It took long enough: the porn industry is working on a Seinfeld "parody."

A truly awful story keeps getting worse: parents of a ten-year-old who was killed while offroading by a highway are suing the driver who hit her, a man who was already cleared of wrongdoing.

It may be time to attempt an intervention: Suri Cruise is going to attend Scientology school.

And Roger Federer got married.

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

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Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

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Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

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Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

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China's Last Eunuch

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Sun Yaoting, the last livijng euneuch in China, was living history when he died in 1996. Thirteen years later, his biography is finally coming out, and it reveals things like the sex lives of eunuchs and their emperor, the castrations performed at home, and the resulting incontinence.

Sun cried to his amateur biogapher only when recalling his castration and the time when the pickled remains were later thrown away. He became a eunuch to gain acces to the emperor's Frobidden City, in hopes of avenging stolen property and the buring of their home by a landlord. The description of Sun's home castration is not for the faint of heart or stomach.

His desperate father performed the castration on the bed of their mud-walled home, with no anesthetic and only oil-soaked paper as a bandage. A goose quill was inserted in Sun's urethra to prevent it getting blocked as the wound healed.

OK, that's enough about that. It took him two months to be able to leave his bed, when he discovered the emporer he intended to serve had abdicated.

HIs biographer told Reuters, "He never became rich, he never became powerful, but he became very rich in experience and secrets."

So depressed now.

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Erykah Badu's Stalker

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Erykah Badu kept everyone (including Scanner Brian) waiting for her free show at SXSW last week, but she had a good reason. Some obsessive wack job was camped out outside her house.

She twittered it, too, under her handle "fatbellybella": "Police just apprehended a stalker in front of my house. Stay tuned to details."

Here are some of those details...

Driving to Austin now. Just got on road .. Had to file police report .

Poor chic is apparently sick . I feel so awful . Police pepper sprayed her and cuffed her .

White woman mid to late 20's had visited my home 3 or so times . Brought w/ her weird writtings .

I was kind to her first 3 times . I knew something was off . She was wearing a dilla shirt today .

When I came outside she had flowers lined up in front of my house and had spray painted the no parking sign with a peace symbol .

She had several misc. Items spread out in the grass . Blue shutters, a rabbit, a tucan , and a sketch book...

I'm gonna be late for my show ... Messing around with her .

Passing thru Waco now...with dilla played loud .

So .. The lady came to the house 1st time today around 1pm .. After light threats from me and fam she left . Was parked ok the grass in front of my house

So she comes back 30 Min later .. By this time I feel violated for real .. Cause o girl wasn't threatened at all .

Had no choice but to put the ipolice In it . Tried to reason . I felt so bad for her and her dog .

When she saw cops she took off running behind neighbors house
... Obviously she had been to jail b4 cause she wanted no parts of that

By this time there were 6 cop cars , ambulance and a fire truck ..

3 officers chased her on foot whole we all watched .

She finally comes " walking " calmly around corner toward one cop car with that big ass dog

Cop snatched her hand behind her back and she began resisting violently..

Damn I'm late

Hold on my people .

... Anyhow, all I could think of while all this is going on is .. I'm gone be on media take out .. LOL

... Or bossip.com

Scanner Brian adds: "It seemed strange that no one mentioned she would be late. Her group came out without her, late already, kept chanting her name and then abruptly left the stage right at 8pm. The lights went down, so everyone left, angry. As we were at the exit gate, Badu suddenly took the stage, played two songs, and disappeared again. Apparently, they had run out of time and still had to get Explosions in the Sky onstage. Oh well, whatever."

When cops pepper-sprayed, then arrested the fan outside Badu's house, the stalker had arranged various items, like blue shutters, a rabbit, a toucan and a sketch book. Ummm, we would have called the cops, too.

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Today in WTF: Burying Fetishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Have you ever heard of a burial fetish? You have now... and you're about to discover more about it than you ever wanted to...

Readers alerted us to a website for an independent film production company in Massachusetts that churns out "Damsel in Distress" videos, often featured bound-and-gagged women laying on train tracks or-- and this is what caught our attention-- buried up to their necks in dirt and mud.

For their troubles, these "actresses" are paid the following wages:

So, if you just want to do a simple feature, sinking up to the neck (and likely getting rescued!!), you would receive $25 for the feature, for about 60-70 minutes of your time. We supply all the clothing you need, except for what you wear underneath (we recommend a simple bathing suit--one that you don’t mind getting dirty).

If you want to do a full submergence sinking (your head goes completely under), you will receive $50 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Again, we supply the clothing, except what you wear underneath--again, we recommend that you bring your own bathing suit.

Should you wish to bring your own outfit for the video shoot, we'll pay $10 extra to cover your cleaning. Outfits would have to be either a skirt with a top, or a dress, plus your own shoes (no sneakers). Lingerie is also possible, but no pants. We're assuming you have outfits you don't really wear anymore that would get tossed anyways. So, you will receive $35 for sinking up to your neck and bringing your own outfit.

Finally, if you want to wear your own clothes, and go completely under, then you would receive $60 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Note that, for some of the story lines (for instance, the ruthless queen of an Egyptian Pharoah, who meets her deserving end in the shifting sands of the desert) will require special costumes--which we will provide for you. We would not expect any actress to have this type of attire.

This film company is catering to a market that includes visitors to... well. Actually, we couldn't find any "burying fetish" websites. Perhaps someone could explain to us how this is just a harmless "fetish" and that there's no reason to freak out over people getting off on burying terrified women "up to their necks."

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The Onion's Worst Moviegoing Experiences: Their Pain, Your Gain

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:01:00 GMT

The Onion A.V. Club asked its readers a simple question: what are your worst moviegoing experiences?

Little did they know, the entire internet had been waiting for this question for most of its existence, and it has something to get off its chest...

First, our worst moviegoing experience:

In New York City, the Film Forum is known for showing hosting retrospectives and premiering excellent independent films, such as last year's Ballast and Wendy and Lucy. Unfortunately, it's known in the community for being full of obnoxious old people at all hours before 7pm. One film buff former flame of mine decided that she'd had enough and refused to go there for any reason, ever. She said, "It's worse than going to see an Eddie Murphy film on opening night." I knew what she meant-- the noise at the Film Forum during the day almost always distracted from and ultimately ruined whatever movie we were seeing. However, one day I convinced her to see a double bill of old Sidney Lumet films on a Tueday in February-- virtually guaranteeing we would be the only two people under 85 (no joke.) About halfway through the first film, just as things were getting interesting, one old guy in front of us started talking to the film's characters as if he were in their living room, drinking their booze and eating their stew. He wasn't even funny, either. The guy sitting behind us stood up and told him, "Shut the fuck up, you old Polack!" We cringed and, ultimately, ducked... as we were directly in their crossfire. They continued screaming at each other, threatening to "take this outside" until I muttered, "Yes. Take this outside" in a monotone that I thought was hilarious. My date didn't, and slapped me, hard across the chest. But it worked. They sat down. It was only then that an usher entered, saw nothing was going on, shrugged, and left.

The worst part of this is that when we finally returned to the movie, we had missed an important piece of plot and the rest of the film made no sense. This is also why I never go to the bathroom during a film.

Here are some of our favorites from the hundreds of Onion A.V. Club stories, which are way better anyway:

I saw The Dark Knight in a packed theater, maybe a week after it opened. Some brain surgeon thought it would be a good idea to bring his kid, who was maybe 2. The kid proceeded to run around the whole time. I thought about going to get an usher but I would've had to walk past him to do it and he would've known it was me. Then the part where the gunshot goes off, the kid started screaming. Finally people started yelling "Take the kid out of here." The guy finally did but came back toward the end. I wonder why the ticket takers even let him bring the kid in, in the first place. I decided then and there, I will never go see a movie in a theater again.
[Re: Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem] Apparently, a woman and her two young kids and a FUCKING INFANT thought it would be nice to go see an R rated clash between horrible monsters. Well, not only did the baby cry the whole time, but the bitch got on her cell phone on several occasions during the movie. And to top it off, she let her kids run wild. More than a couple of times I heard the soft pattering of feet followed by a blur of movement in my peripheral vision. These kids were like ninjas.
Jaws 3-D. Waiting in line for the second show ever in Denver Colorado, the first audience gets released, and as they glumly walk past us, many yell out, "IT'S TERRIBLE, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY." We continued the tradition 90 minutes later. It continues to this day.
Went to see Titanic with a girl I was trying to date and another girl, right next to us, starts sobbing uncontrollably DURING THE OPENING CREDITS. Suffice to say, no nookie was had in that movie theater that night (by me).
About 10 minutes into Lebowski, she starts to rant about how stupid and unfunny the film is...And she keeps it up through the entire film. Every 3 minutes or so. I found myself trying to explain why scenes were funny, and I'd lose track of the next scene and a half. Yeah, I broke it off very shortly afterwords. I haven't been able to commit to a relationship since. She ruined love for me.
Ricochet - I was probably 11 or 12, my friend's Mom naively took us to see it. Also, my friend's little brother of 9 was there as well. We all sat in the same row. When Denzel gets fucked by the blonde hooker in the empty pool, I have to admit I was captivated. I was actually leaning forward watching with wide eyes until I noticed that my friends were laughing at me because I was so absorbed I guess. His mom even smirked a little. I was weirdly embarrased.

We had a virtually identical experience with Ricochet, although it was with our own parents and a VHS rental and I was subsequently banned from renting rated R movies until I was at least 9 or 10.

The best ones are the longest stories, including the one about a girl coming home from a horror movie to find the apartment building completely without power, the whole area plunged into darkness, and no way of finding the door to her own place...

Check them out at the Onion A.V. Club. Tell us about your worst and/or funniest moviegoing experiences in the comments.

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Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

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The Mile High Club Takes On A Whole New Meaning...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Don't worry, passengers were never in any danger on this, an Aeroflot flight. After all, it's not like they're the largest airline in Russia or anything.

Translation (based on a scientific process called "bullshit detection"):

Pilot: Greetings, we are currently elevated at 300,000 feet above the earth's oozing, multi-colored, totally radical crater. Over here, you see the many hundreds of lockers where our employees store their things free of charge, while we continue to charge our passenger $325 per checked bag. And this here is a lovely little mound of hashish.

Cut to: Stewardess rolling a joint with a steady hand. Turbulence comes later, after they've had a few of these suckers. Then she's lighting up, miles above the ground! (Honestly, this can't really be a commercial flight, right? Where the fuck are these people? And aren't they monitoring the controls in case of potential collision or bird attack?)

Stewardess: Nothing, I was just going to tell you I was high becuase no one would ever put this on LiveLeak, so I don't care! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha!

Via LiveLeak.

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Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

It's not even ten a.m. on the first day of this workweek, and there are already two bizarre teacher sex scandals to report. The first featured a kid, having engaged in a sexual relationship with his teacher since October, caught by the principal... (literally) with his pants down.

Now comes the story of yet another lecherous teacher and her teenage male victim. However, this case features a twist that we could never have predicted, even after reading of dozens of these cases over the years.

When 46-year-old junior high school teacher Linda Nef walked into a police station near Bountiful, Utah, cops had no idea a major media firestorm was about to descend on them. When Nef confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year-old male student, she fingered Valynn Bowers, 39, as a fellow rapist... of the same boy.

Bowers, in case you haven't figured this out, is a teacher at the same school.

According to local media reports, ~~Hef~~ Nef started sleeping with the boy first, but was dumped for an unknown other party, with whom the boy has been carrying on a sexual relationship for the past three months. One day, Bowers entered Nef's classroom and confronted her in what may have been a jealous rage, telling the older teacher, "I'm the new girlfriend." Or she could have simply said, "Hey, we really screwed the pooch on this one." However, we doubt that last part, as Nef is the one that freaked out and went to the police after the revelations.

The local news, predictably, has a unintentionally hilarious time trying to figure out how to work with these details:

With the suspects being so much older than their victim some wonder what would prompt them to commit the crime.
University of Utah psychology professor Don Strassberg says that would be an easier question to answer if the teachers were men. With men, he says, it's probably about the sex.
But it's more complicated when you're talking about women. For them, Strassberg says getting into a relationship like this is likely more about them: their needs, having control, getting attention.

Thank you, Professor Obvious. (Read more of his brilliant insight at ksl.com.)

We've been warning the public for months that the daily onslaught of these cases is going to eventually reach a breaking point and outdo itself-- in other words, we predicted that these kinds of "teacher sleeps with student stories" were going to involve in something even weirder, like janitor sex or parents getting used to it, but we never say a menage a trois coming....

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

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We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:46:00 GMT

We don't specifically set out to attack the Catholic Church, Catholicism itself, or any specific religion or practice. But when we see hypocrisy or any other repulsive public behavior, we'll call it like we see it...

A nun in India, like the ones pictured above, is speaking out about what goes on in her country. Sister Jesme claims that when she joined the Church in Kerala, she discovered priests were forcing the "novices," or new nuns, to have sex with them. She also says she was forced to have a lesbian relationship with another nun because, that way, nobody would get pregnant and be expelled.

Apparently, her Church wasn't the only one engaged in "unpermitted sex": a priest whom she met while traveling the country showed her there was an orgy of heavy petting going on in his backyard, then took off his clothes and demanded she join him, according to the Independent.

The allegations are not the only controversy to rock the Catholic Church in Kerala. Last summer, a 23-year-old novice committed suicide and left a note saying she had been harassed by her Mother Superior. Reports suggest there have been a number of similar suicides. And in November, police in Kerala arrested two priests and a nun in connection with the killing of Sister Abhaya in a notorious 1992 murder.

Sister Jesme recently resigned as the principal for a Catholic college and has written a book entitled Amen, in which she details all the alleged sex, sexual harassment, and general distaste that she experienced in the Church. Church leaders tried to get her committed to a mental institution but she ultimately prevailed and her book is too widely publicized to be supressed.

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Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

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Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Hey, it's Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day everybody! Did you watch out for black cats (isn't that terribly racist?), avoid crossing under ladders (as if there's even an opportunity for that in today's paranoid construction job), and, honestly, who opens umbrellas in the house anyway? Don't you wait until you step out of the doorway so the umbrella doesn't get caught inside?

Seriously, though, have you ever wondered why the number 13 is such a big deal and why a Friday the 13th means a damn thing besides "bad Halloween ripoff?"

Wikipedia, of course, provides the annotated and also impossible-to-skim answers. We'll summarize it for you below:

1) The fear of a Friday that falls on the 13 is a phobia. That really long word up there is the name of that phobia. We'll just call it The Fear for our purposes here.

2) Honestly, no one really knows why The Fear is The Fear. The first known reference to The Fear was made in an 1869 biography of some guy named Gioachino Rossini.

3) "One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day." That settles it for us, but you can read on.

4) Another interesting note: "According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, an estimated 17 to 21 million [crazy] people in the United States are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. "It's been estimated that$800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day." Despite this, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays."

Via Wikipedia.

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Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Last month's story about the atheism bus and subway ad campaign is far and away the most-visited post we've ever run. Fools on both sides of the aisle are still debating the merits of the anti-God argument and every other aspect of the article. As of now, there are more than 80 comments (hey, that's a lot for us) and no end to the debate in sight.

Now, comes word that the Christians are striking back publicly, with their own counter-campaign to the counter-campaign...

After more than 150 complaints about the above-pictured slogan from whiners who had no problem with the original campaign, a pro-Christian God-loving and in-your-face bus ad, the Christians decided that public momentum was on their side. They've decided to strike back with this new marketing strategy: a bus ad.

"There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life."

Wow-- what, was "I know you are, but what am I?" already taken? Golf clap for creativity, guys, just taking the original slogan and changing the words to fit your own opinion. That kind of thinking is why Democrats gave it up to loser candidates like George Bush and Saxby Chambliss. ("No, terrorists are not going to kill you" "no, we will not raise taxes on the middle class," "no, John Kerry is not Herman Munster," etc.)

Then again, this is all just preaching to the choir-- almost literally. No one will be persuaded by either of these arguments, but it was admittedly refreshing to see an ad that didn't use scare tactics (that means you, "show up to church or God will punish you" billboards in the American South) to express a religious message.

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think...

Knox, a 21-year-old from Seattle (her current address is in an Italian prison), was living with fellow student Meredith Kircher at the time of Kircher's horrendous murder, which involve a slit throat and, according to the prosecution, an agonizingly slow demise. Knox claims that smoking a bit of hash that evening has made the events somehow confusing, although she claims to remember hearing Kircher's screams, during which a "scared" Knox covered her ears.

Actually, claim the authorities, Knox was the one causing the screaming, while her boyfriend and another friend cut the innocent girl's throat, as part of some sick manga-inspired experiment. Helping the state's case are the books found on the suspects, the contents of which include a passage about killing vampires. (Kircher had dressed as a vampire for Halloween 2007, which had taken place the night before.)

So, apparently, Italy has no famous women of its own (what happened to the hot model auctioning off her own virginity?) and must select visiting psychopaths. And really, is she so hot they couldn't have gone with the obvious #2, Sarah Palin, instead?

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Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

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RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

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Surviving a Plane Crash, via Twitter

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:10:00 GMT

Yesterday's incident at Denver International Airport could have been a major disaster, had quick-thinking passengers not bailed out the Emergency Exit rows before the plane became, well, what you see in the above photo: a crippled, burnt-out and collapsed hunk of metal and melted plastic...

While we would kill for a Tweet from inside a plane going down-- the internet's version of the black box-- with the Twitterer (and all other passengers) having survived, of course, the next best record of the events would be Mike Wilson's record of escaping the burning Boeing 737. His flight to Texas didn't make it off the runway, as you will see:

to all who’ve asked, it’s hard to know exactly what went wrong — we were in the middle of a normal takeoff when we suddely veered off 16 minutes ago
a 1st class passenger I talked to indicated he saw the left engine come off at the time, but it’s unclear if this was a cause or an effect 16 minutes ago
shortly after we veered off, the plane quite obviously left the runway at high speed (maybe 100 kts) and proceeded to go 4 wheel driving 14 minutes ago
i think we might have gone into a ravine and dropped some distance as there was a sudden bottom-dropped-out feeling and then a jolt 13 minutes ago
i believe it was after the jolt that the right engine, which was near my row, caught fire 13 minutes ago
by the time the plane stopped we were burning pretty well and I think I could feel the heat even through the bulkhead and window 12 minutes ago
whoever was on the left side exit row, god bless him, was johnny on the spot and instantly had the door open - people crowded out in a mass 11 minutes ago
I made for the exit door as quickly as I could, fearing the right wing might explode from the fire. once out, i scrambled down the wing 10 minutes ago
there was a fire station nearby and that’s where we all ended up right after the crash 9 minutes ago
fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any life-threatening injuries 8 minutes ago
@mjcarrasquillo this was on takeoff. I'm not sure, but I would speculate some type of mechanical failure. about 15 hours ago from web in reply to mjcarrasquillo
I'm very grateful to still be here. Thanks again to all the well wishers. I'm amazed and humbled by it all. about 15 hours ago from web
Heading to the airport for another try at flying to Houston. about 7 hours ago from twitterrific
Waiting in the continental club for the "replacement" flight. Noticing I'm a little sore. about 6 hours ago from twitterrific
Media circus ensues. Sitting on the plane waiting to take off about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
I'm sitting as close to the exit as possible this time http://twitpic.com/uyqb about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
Crash #1 was a "water landing" in a small plane. about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
@showtunes no-won't get our luggage for a while I think and sounded like my mac is likely melted to the floor about 5 hours ago from twitterrific in reply to showtunes
Touchdown! The crowd goes wild! about 3 hours ago from twitterrific
Found out chairman of Continental was on our flight. That's putting your money where your mouth is. about 2 hours ago from twitterrific

We particularly enjoyed his tweets about making sure to sit as close to the exit row as possible this time and the chairman of Continental taking the return flight to make sure all went well. Why aren't we reading about this guy in the media? He deserves a mention for sure.

You can keep tabs on Mike, a.k.a. "2drinksbehind" at his Twitter page.

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Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:40:00 GMT

We're not saying she's dumb because she gave birth following a rollercoaster ride; we're not even going to call her the dumbest person of 2008 for going on a rollercoaster ride while pregnant.

Nope-- we're going to call her the dumbest person of the year for not even knowing she was pregnant... and it gets zanier right quick.

Her 22-year-old boyfriend didn't figure out she was pregnant either. Usually, when you hear about these nutso's, you learn that the mother is religious, very conservative, has not had proper sex ed classes, and ends up nearly dying in childbirth. Not so in this case-- this is a 21-year-old woman working in a bar (far different from our previous story about the conservative Muslim working as cocktail waitress, also in England), a worldly type who had a boyfriend who presumably saw her naked in her ballooned-up form, and may also have been properly educated in the birds and bees.

We also have to ask: did her water not break? What happened to her periods? Didn't the baby ever kick? Didn't anyone else look at her belly and say, "You're not fat, you're pregnant?" And worst of all, considering she was working late nights in a bar, was she boozing it up during the pregnancy? So many questions... the answers for which the silly Telegraph is not revealing. We'll have to send one of our English readers after her for comment...

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Serial Killer Husband Has A Lotta Damn Gall...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Drew Peterson killed two of his wives.

As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life...

An unnamed twenty-four-year-old woman from Bolingbrook, Illinois (if we knew her name, we'd call 4-1-1 and straighten her out, Alec Baldwin-style) is reportedly engaged to Suspect #1, Drew Peterson, whose wife hasn't even been declared dead. This guy's got major cojones-- I thought he was like OJ, searching for the real killer. And hell, at least OJ had the brains not to get engaged during the investigation into his ex-wife's murder.

This guy is one sick individual, God knows what he's capable of doing to his latest early-20's "love." (That's right, his current wife is 24, if she's still alive. How is this guy cleaning up the Illinois-area single women?)