Scanner : scientology

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots.

It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie.

First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal in Vermont?

A good way to figure out how to meet people is to find out how other people are meeting people.

Blake Fielder-Civil apparently knocked up his mistress.

This photo of a woman getting chewed on by a polar bear is scary and one of the strangest we've ever seen in a major news story.

It took long enough: the porn industry is working on a Seinfeld "parody."

A truly awful story keeps getting worse: parents of a ten-year-old who was killed while offroading by a highway are suing the driver who hit her, a man who was already cleared of wrongdoing.

It may be time to attempt an intervention: Suri Cruise is going to attend Scientology school.

And Roger Federer got married.

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:44:00 GMT

But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now.

[Image]

Today in the Apocalypse: The Only Survivors Will Be Cockroaches And Breastaraunts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

My parents recently moved to Clearwater, Florida. Since then, I've come to learn that the town is known for two things, none of which is the nearly-deserted beach they live on: being the home of Scientology and the birthplace of Hooters. Make of that what you will, but let's just say that the holidays are going to be on the usual side from now on...

Florida has even created a new buzzword in order to have at least one story that doesn't involve monkeys escaping for zoos, crates full of pigs spilling all over the highways, and drunk people crashing through their neighbor's front rooms. That word is "breastaurants" and its king, Hooters, took in one billion dollars last year:

"People get in a fun atmosphere around Hooters, and I think they feel that," Bob Passwaters tells us. He's been doing marketing for Hooters for nearly two decades. "Of course, you have the girls and the food, kind of a neighborhood escape."
An escape where the food is inexpensive, and entrees are under $10.
These breastaurants offer a carefree atmosphere where Passwaters says, people can forget about the bad economy and eat a good meal.
"They just love getting away from sitting at their computer seeing all the bad news in the markets going down and this is going down," Passwaters told us. "Heck, let's go to Hooters and have some chicken wings and relax a bit."
Another reason breastaurants are seeing big success: local clientele. Regulars keep coming back for more.

Dude, they keep coming back because it's cheaper to have dinner and boobs at the same place than to have dinner, then head to the strip club for overpriced drinks, scary fake boobs and all the violence that has been taking place in the parking lots.

But hey, don't take our word for it... we're just there for the wings.

Via TampaBayConnects.

Related:

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

Normal Breasts Gallery Bums Us Out

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

PapSmeared: Katie Holmes's Crazy Scientology Detox Causes... Rapid Growth of Shiny, Lustrous Hair (And Possibly Causes Your Husband to No Longer Find You Attractive in that Masculine Sort of Way)?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:37:00 GMT

What were your favorite and least favorite Nerve essays of 2008? Orly? Then you should go vote for them. [Nerve]

Some of your favorite NPR personalities may soon be gone. Fucking economy. [Gawker]

Why did Perez Hilton have to ruin a perfectly beautiful picture of our future husband Ryan Gosling? [PerezHilton]

Perhaps in a cash crunch like the rest of us, Michael Jackson is selling the gates leading to Neverland Ranch and his infamous glitter glove from the "Billie Jean" video. [Yahoo!]

Speaking of gloves, er, coming off, Tom Cruise is going in for another interview with Matt Lauer. [Us]

Oprah fell off (or onto?) the food wagon, maxing out at 200 pounds. It's just more for us to love, Lady O. [People]

Prince William was invited to Paris Hilton's New Years Eve party, but his "elders at the palace" reportedly do not want him partying with her. [Radar]

[Image]

Happy Creepy Anniversary, TomKat

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Our parents' marriage, which was supposedly based on love and produced two (if we do say so ourselves) amazing children, may not have lasted more than a couple years, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage is still going strong after two long, creepy years.

The couple of Scientologists celebrated by sending Tom to the press screaming "And they said it wouldn't last. I guess we proved them wrong!" Proving to the world that TomKat can, in fact, keep up their ends of a contract.

According to tradition, Tom is supposed to give Katie cotton or China this year. Maybe some Xenu bedsheets and matching pillowcases for Katie to bury her tears in?

[dListed:Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie Have Been "Married" For 2 Years]

Related:

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:59:00 GMT

Today in CNN discoveries: thrift stores get a lot of business from the middle class... and hipsters.

Paris Bennett, who has something to do with American Idol, gave birth in the United States to a daughter she calls Egypt.

Even Willem Dafoe is feeling the housing crunch...

Willem Dafoe is having trouble selling his house in upstate Accord for $850,000. "It is clad in neoprene, the stuff they make wetsuits out of," says his neighbor, author Bruce Littlefield [NY Post]

Barack Obama leads John McCain... in Halloween sales.

Nonetheless, he shouldn't get cocky and listen to Michael Dukakis.

Drew Barrymore weighs in.

And Amy Winehouse is rumored to be seriously considering a Scientology-run detox program:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.” [Mirror]

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Barack Obama will be back on Saturday Night Live. Dear God, please, please, please let him play Sarah Palin. Nude. [Us]

And apparently now that Obama is involved, SNL is a "cult" Comedy Show. Who knew? [Yahoo!]

It seems that recently-divorced Pink is the latest victim of Scientology. [Yeeeah]

Just one day after Kanye West's outburst with the paparazzi that led to his arrest, he would like you to know he's totes cool with the paps. [People]

How are the McCain's like a drag queen? Why they stuff the "bad" bits (read: adopted Bangladeshi daughter) away. We didn't even know they had an adopted Bangladeshi daughter, did you? [Queerty]

We agree; Us Weekly's list of the top 25 most stylish New Yorkers is whack. [MollyGood]

According to the ever-reputable New York Post, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are as good as engaged. We better get an invite. We have a dress we've been dying to wear to a wedding. [NYP]

The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Thanks to this nude scene in the upcoming movie, Felon, 24 star Marisol Nichols is expected to make the big time...

We just have one problem with her... and it's kind of a dealbreaker for us...

According to boner-killing Wikipedia:

At age 12 she started using alcohol and drugs but has been sober since she was 17. In an interview with AskMen.com, Nichols stated "I remember being 17 and looking around at some of the people that I was hanging out with, and I had this realization that if I didn’t knock this off now it would become my life."

Nichols, a Scientologist, is an active advocate of Criminon and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. She became a member of Church of Scientology when she was introduced to it by her chiropractor. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

Marisol married Taron Lexton in 2008.

Will you forgive her her (fatal) flaw?

Photo via the new Val Kilmer movie, Felon, opening sometime this century. Nichols, meanwhile, is having a baby sometime next month...

Related:

Kate Moss: Unplugged, Uncensored, Uncovered

Teenage Girls Flash, Fondle and Then Rob the Crap Out of British Men

Teacher Forced To Resign After Students Find His Gay Profile

National Topless Day Is A Gigantic Success

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Boobs On Bikes Rides Again, Despite Violent Anti-Violence Protests

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.

While You Were Sleeping: The Scientologists Planned Their Invasion of New York

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:41:00 GMT

Remember Silvio Berlusconi, the guy who hired the hot new Italian minister who was our Crush of the Week last week? Well, we now know she doesn't support "pointless" gay pride. If that means teddy bears (stuffed, not human) with nipple rings and rainbow t-shirts, we would almost get where she's coming from (because pierced teddy bears always freaked us out), but as a politician she probably shouldn't have said it out loud. Except it appears that's not what she meant at all. [Queerty]

Would you wear undewear-wear-wear-eh-eh-eh designed by Rihanna? [ICYDN]

If you look hard enough, you can see Angelina Jolie's nipple in this picture. [Fleshbot]

Oh Jesus, Pete Doherty has a son? Where is Sally Struthers when you need her? [GabbyBabble]

Only one cast member knows how LOST will end. We don't know if we want to know. Okay, we do, but we don't. Because we're a little disappointed with the way things are going lately. [Defamer]

Hide your babies (because they'll feel inadequate next to Suri) and your prescription drugs. Katie, Tom and Suri are headed for New York. That's right, Katie landed a role in Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" this fall and Tom is letting her do it. [Yahoo!]

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

While You Were Sleeping: We Were Reminded What Ashlee Simpson is Supposed to Be Famous For (And It's Not Being Knocked-Up)

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan pretty much told Daddy Lohan to shut the fuck up. [Molly Good]

If Scientology manages to cancel your YouTube account, you just create a new one. Duh. [Jossip]

We were kind-of "enh" when Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage. Now we're throwing up in our mouths a little at the idea that she posted a video response to Miley Cyrus' YouTube channel. [MTV]

It's early, we have't had our coffee yet, and we just can't decide what's more pointless: the self-stirring coffee mug or the triple stack coffee mug. At least one would be good for handing off a vessel full of hot liquid... [Gizmodo and the Presurfer]

If Jessica Rabbit were alive today, she'd be smokin'. [Neatorama]

You should know that bloggers don't really like it when you correct our grammar and typos in the comments section, or via email for that matter. [Best Week Ever]

We were reminded that Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be famous for being a "singer." Her recent appearance on Today was the first time we've ever heard her sing. Unfortunately, for her, and for me for us for the last four minutes, she just sounds like a 55-year-old who has smoked a pack a day for 40 years. We wonder if her back-up singers hate her for that while they're probably actually really talented. [FameCrawler] [Image]

Ex-Scientologist: It's Time To Strike Back

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:40:00 GMT

“There seems to be a level of hypnosis or brainwashing or whatever you want to call it, and this training is a way of getting people hypnotized. And there’s a lot of patter that you’re constantly hearing that helps you get in that state,” he says.

Boys and girls, your homework is to check out the excruciating, unrelenting, and totally engrossing piece in the Village Voice about ex-Scientologist Jason Beghe, a B-list TV star who paid over one million dollars and was stuck inside the cult's black hole for twelve years. (Scanner Emily spoke of this individual just the other day, breaking the story in Sloppy Seconds.) The story, by Voice scribe Tony Ortega, is chock-full of gems like this one:

“Not one auditing session—which are supposed to be private—is not recorded on film,” he says, and claims that secret cameras are used at every session at the Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles, recording sessions that for Scientologists are supposed to be something like confessionals in the Catholic church.
“Will Smith is supposedly dabbling in Scientology. Let Will Smith know that his shit was fucking recorded. And tell him to look them in the eye and see if he believes it when they deny it.”

And the closer:

“Scientology seduces you into thinking that it’s a process through which you can truly become yourself. But ultimately, what it turns you into is a Scientologist—a brainwashed version of yourself.”

Fuck baseball, this is the stuff we should be having Congressional hearings on. Um, that is, if we have to have Congressional hearings when we can just try out that latest nukes on the Scientology compounds of this country.

Read the full story at the Village Voice site. You should also check out this great first-person narrative about invading the Church's headquarters in New York City.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds...

Sloppy Seconds: Fake Sex Ruined The Real Thing for Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:31:00 GMT

One week you're in and the next week you're out. We hope Elle said that to fashion director (and Project Runway judge) Nina Garcia when they fired her. [US Weekly]

Oh, now Ashlee Simpson's baby daddy Pete Wentz is all "I didn't knock her up." Abortion? Miscarriage? Never happened? [MTV]

Cowboys on ice! The frozen kind. We're so strangely turned on. [Netorama]

The Indonesian Tree Man (the guy who looks like a tree, for real) would like to get married now that doctors have removed four pounds of "bark" from his body. [Truemors]

More crazy Scientology videos! Crazy, if you think Scientology is fake, that is. "Let me meet a motherfucking Clear!" Huh? [MollyGood]

Fake it 'till you make it doesn't really work in sex, as far as Robert Downy Jr. is concerned. At least that's why he claims a relationship with his Two Girls and a Guy (1998) co-star Heather Graham never materialized: too much fake sex made the real thing impossible. [Star Pulse]

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:17:00 GMT

Candi Spelling sympathized with Mommie Dearest. [Babble]

Someone translated Tom Cruise's crazy Scientologist video to German, then performed it. [MySpace]

Mischa Barton got three years probation for a DUI. [MTV]

Robert Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) was arrested for domestic battery. [People]

Jessica Simpson decided to be super happy about little sister Ashlee's engagement to Pete Wentz. [US Weekly]

We briefly mistook Clay Aiken for Katie Couric. Sorry, Katie! [GabbyBabble]

Miley Cyrus went to the dentist. Some say veneers, we say bleaching. [OhNoTheyDidnt]

We, apparently, got really old. [Engadget]

CBS canceled a reality show we never would have watched, anyway, "Secret Talents of the Stars." [NYT]

Scary skinny Terri Hatcher performed a Carrie Underwood song on American Idol. If she weren't Terri Hatcher we might have thought it wasn't half bad.

Image via

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A former member of the cult of Scientologists has outed Tom Cruise! Okay, not in that way... but tipster Marc Headley, formerly of L. Ron Hubbard's alternate universe, has been speaking to the press, confirming the rumors we know to be true about Tom's marriage to Katie Holmes...

[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: 'Find a wife for Tom Cruise.' The official put out a casting call to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, 'There's an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.' But in the end no movie was made. They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.

That's according to Marc Headley, the church's commercial-maker and possibly with an axe to grind, speaking to the admittedly very trustworthy News of the World, confirming the earlier rumors about Scarlett Johnasson's involvement in this whole affair. Johansson, like many of the other mail-order fiancees (Erika Christensen and Sofia Milo among them) showed up for a phony movie audition so they could be ogled by the androgynous Thomas Mapother the 4th.

When [Johansson] arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn't do a tape... So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he's enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, 'I knew immediately she was the one.'"

Awwwwww... puke. Now, would someone please confirm Tom Cruise is in fact bisexual (at the least) so we can end his career already? Not because he's bisexual, but because he's a phony and a whimp for not being upfront about wanting to bone Rob Thomas. Enough of these people!

[Photo: AOL]

[Link via Starpulse]

Caption This: Everyone Pointing at J-Lo's Pregnant Belly

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:04:00 GMT

[Image via FameCrawler / Celebrity Moms]

Adam Sandler: "Leave Tom Cruise Alone!"

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:07:00 GMT

Adam Sandler is drinking the ~~Kool-Aid~~ eyeliner:

"To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening. It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband, and a great friend."

Other stars putting on the eyeliner? Dustin Hoffman, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller and Harvey Weinstein.

We're gonna go au naturale on this one.

And we never really noticed before, but based on that picture, those two could almost be brothers.

[People: Adam Sandler: Stop Picking on Tom Cruise]

Scanner Highs and Lows: His You Know What is Too Small

Emily Farris — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 21:47:00 GMT

It was a busy week here at Scanner. We got a new URL, we thought a lot about boobs (big ones! Jessica Alba's!), we found some new furniture, and unfortunately, a few people died. Anyway, we're spent. But in case you missed any of it, here's a recap of Scanner's highs and lows for the week of January 14.

Highs:

Scanner now takes it from the front and back.

Abortion rates are lower than they've been in 30 years. Good news, even though we don't know why.

Jessica Alba's new rack.

We finally found the perfect spot from which to blog.

And if that doesn't work, this should do just fine.

We crushed hard on double amputees.

Lows:

Apple's new MacBook Air didn't measure up. (Scanner Emily likes it a little bigger.)

This should probably be a high, but since it was a low for him, Tom Cruise's C.R.A.Z.Y. Scientologist video.

We found out the twins-who-married story was probably just a bix hoax to push a conservative agenda.

And that Britney's breakdown may be a hoax to cover up a military agenda.

Brad Renfro died at the young age of 25.

Anna Wintour called Hillary Clinton "mannish." And it made Scanner Emily sad.

Catch the Tom Cruise Scientology Video Before LRH's Goons Start Breaking Servers

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 22:10:00 GMT

We were unable to catch the original posting of this clip on YouTube, as Scientology's crack squad of lawyers had gotten it pulled by the time we'd gotten word of it. (Catch a description of that here.) But now Defamer's got it (un-embed-ably, natch), and since we fully expect a mysterious D-o-S attack originating from Clear~~view~~water, FL to crash their servers, like, any minute now, you might want to get while the getting is good.

For what it's worth, we find that the video -- which is basically a sort of pro-Scientology rant / acceptance speech for the "Freedom Medal of Valor," an award that we assume has had its name translated into Japanese and back into English -- um, er... Where were we? So much to unpack here... Ah, the video, yes. Well, we find that it actually kind of humanizes Mr. Cruise. By which we mean: he seems more than ever like every crazy person we've encountered.