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Bearded Man of the Week: Aidan Moffat

Colleen Kane — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:14:00 GMT

Aidan Moffat, formerly of the Scottish indie band Arab Strap, is our Bearded Man of the Week for his sexy singing voice and his recent work as a non-expert sexpert. Read his column on The Quietus as he non-expertly fields questions about post-coital sleep, pregnancy horniness, whether women can be both feminist and masochist, and more. We don't know how helpful his advice is, but picturing it uttered in his Scottish accent makes it that much more ~~indecipherable~~ sexy.

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The New York Times Said "Butt Hole"

Colleen Kane — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:50:00 GMT

The New York Times ran a story dedicated to suggestive-sounding place names in the U.K. and the people challenged with living in places like Crapstone and Penistone.

And because the Internet is making us less literate, you won't have to read the whole story (unless you'd like to know how residents deal with telling people where they live); this blogger struggled through the article to bring you some of the best names.

Crotch Crescent

Titty Ho

Wetwang

Slutshole Lane

As for Butt Hole Road, depicted above, “If they ordered a pizza, the pizza company wouldn’t deliver it, because they thought it was a made-up name,” said Ed Hurst, co-author of Rude Britain and Rude UK, about a couple who lived there. “People would stand in front of the sign, pull down their trousers and take pictures of each other’s naked buttocks.” The couple has since moved away.

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Image: New York Times

UPDATE: Alain Baxter's Nude Calendar Artier Than We Expected

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Back in August, we posted a story about Alain Baxter, the Olympic skier who was stripped of his medal after what we considered an innocent mistake.

In that post, we noted Baxter was working on a topless wall calendar and we promised to share it with you if it turned out to be halfway decent. Well, from what we've seen so far, it will far exceed our erotic expectations...

Here's the cover of the calendar... and a link to its excellent photographs. (By the way, in case you've forgotten, all proceeds go toward Baxter's training for the 2010 Olympics, for which he will attempt an unprecedented comeback.)

UPDATE: Alain writes in:

sorry for the delay in getting back to you, i am in austria training at the moment and i dont have all the shots with me, will this one do for just now? i dont know if it's big enough or not...

Well, Alain, the ladies here seem to agree it is indeed "big enough." See the added photo, below, for yourself:

Here's a preview of the rest.

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

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Snog Away, Teenagers

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:42:00 GMT

This is a picture from the online book boys and girls: a short book about choosing if and when to have sex. As you can see, the illustrations are classic Dick and Jane, and as far as messages go, the sex ed book is pretty standard fare: wait until you're ready, don't let anyone pressure you into having sex, friends who claim they're doing it, are probably full of shit.

But read by a saucy Scottish woman, somewhere along the line, this book goes completely off the rails.

Before you know it characters are calling each other "shite-bags who have never had a kiss off a lassie, let alone a shag" and sitting in pools of their own vomit while the main characters rejoyce in their love for each other and their decision to wait.

So, uh, yeah, not until you're ready kids.

Scotsman Can Tell What Your Orgasms Are Like Just By Staring At You

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:46:00 GMT

In what history will probably reveal is the most perverted study ever conducted by a major European university, researchers from the University of the West of Scotland (eh, probably not that major) went to Belgium to see if they could tell what a woman's orgasms were like just by looking at them...

And by "looking at them," we mean "a lot more than just sat around and used their eyes..."

1) The women they used were all Belgian university students. Pervs.

2) The women were asked about their sex lives and then videotaped (from the bushes, perhaps?) walking down the street. Pervs.

3) They had female sexologists (presumably hot professors with glasses and lab coats) watch the tapes and take a guess whether the women could have vaginal orgasms. Pervs. (You know, girls talking about other girls getting off...)

Seriously, though, it turns out women can have orgasms. Wait, sorry, we meant: it turns out that the sexologists guessed correctly guessed 80% of the time as to whether the woman could have orgasms vaginally. Um, no offense guys, but we're pretty sure if we said yes a bunch of times and no a bunch of times, we'd be correct about that much of the time. Or maybe not... after all, not as many women can have vaginal orgasms as you may think...

The study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that trained sexologists were able to correctly infer vaginal orgasm more than 80 percent of the time by watching the way the women walked. Further analysis revealed that the sum of stride length and vertebral rotation was greater for the vaginally orgasmic women.

"This could reflect the free, unblocked energetic flow from the legs through the pelvis to the spine," the authors note.

A woman's anatomical features may predispose her to greater or lesser tendency to experience vaginal orgasm, the authors speculate.

We're sure you'll have jokes about how those Olympian speedwalkers must be great in bed... share them if you must.

Via UPI.

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Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:07:00 GMT

Alain Baxter is a Scottish skier who won a Bronze in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. However, following a puff from a Vick's inhaler, which had traces of meth, a controversial decision by the IOC stripped him of that medal-- despite his having been cleared of wrongdoing.

Now, in a bid to raise his profile ahead of the 2010 games, he's going to streak down a mountain. Not really, but we do get a partially-nude photo from his calendar out of the deal...

According to the Scottish Sun, Baxter's

desperate for sponsors’ cash as he hits the comeback trail.
So the 34-year-old Superstars telly ace decided to "do a Beckham" by peeling off for his own nude fund-raising calender.
Last night Alain of Stirling, said: "I want to be on the podium in 2010 at the Winter Olympics. But I need help to continue my training."

Wife Sheila added: "I told Alain he needed more exposure and he took it literally."

Sheila also added, albeit not in the Sun story, that she thinks her husband is almost as good looking as David Beckham. Almost? Why, thanks, darling...

Anyway, what do you think? Better than Becks? And would you want to see more photos from this session, when and if we locate them?

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75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:40:00 GMT

You don't know how badly we want to attend this year's Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland. And that was before we found out about the star attraction, 75-year-old stripper Lynn Ruth Miller of San Francisco, a former journalist who only recently took up burlesque...

According to the Times (UK), Miller is

“living the dream” in an act that celebrates every fold and crease of her body, “revelling in the disasters” that the ageing process wreaks.

“If you want to feel old and inadequate, that's up to you, but there is a choice. I look like an old lady, I know I do, but I never suffer pain, I never get tired and it is so exhilarating to communicate with people. When I'm on stage, I'm talking to the world, saying, ‘Don't sit in your rocking chair - get out there and live',” she said.

For her show, Ageing is Amazing, Ms Miller has devised an eye-catching opening sequence that echoes Samuel Goldwyn's dictum: start with an earthquake and build up to a climax.

Her act concludes with a robe and chemises falling by the wayside, followed by a dramatic finish that leaves her clad only in an elaborate underwear getup.

And now, if it means taking off my clothes to make people notice me, why not? I'll do it,” said Ms Miller, who has been married twice. She admits that she probably terrifies her former husbands.

Right on! Don't stop, gorgeous, those losers can't handle your awesomeness. (Speaking of not being able to handle it, check out the cheap shots on Fark: "75-year old stripper to perform at this year's Edinburgh Festival. Organizers fear ticket sales will be flat, profits droop.")

We strongly recommend you check out the entire story-- there's more than we could ever excerpt.