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Babeland Offers Tax Relief in the Form of Free Vibrators

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:29:00 GMT

When we were impressionable youths, our curfew wasn't so much a time we needed to be home as a time we needed to call and negotiate the rest of our evening. Would we be sleeping on the couch of that 20-something guy who always hosted high school parties or crashing with a girlfriend? Did Mom need to come pick us up from the Quick Trip parking lot? Or would we be home in 20—no, make that 30—minutes?

Perhaps this lax upbringing is what caused us to be so bad at turning anything in on time and what made us, well, bad Americans. For April 15 is not the day on which we file our taxes—no, it is the day that we file an extension (or have our accountant do it for us). Yes, yes, we know that all we're really doing is putting off the inevitable: paying taxes on the money paid to us for those stories we turned in so very late. Also, it turns out that this year we're missing out on free vibrators.

Tomorrow—yes, tomorrow is Tax Day, slacker!—Babeland is giving out free Gold Digger vibrators (pictured above) to the first 100 people to go into any of the three locations and tell the sales associates you've filed a tax return (we assume they're going on the honor system) and they're giving out the same gift for the first 100 web orders of the day.

But we haven't missed out completely with our tax FAIL. Babeland is picking up the sales tax on all purchases made in the stores or online tomorrow. So at least we can take that hard-earned money we should be using to pay our taxes and buy some tax-free sex toys. Score!

Babeland Online

Three locations in NYC:
Babeland SoHo, 43 Mercer Street
Babeland LES, 94 Rivington Street
Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen Street

In Seattle:
Babeland Seattle, 707 E. Pike Street

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Italy's Woman of the Year Acting the Part of the Crazed Sex Fiend in Court

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:28:00 GMT

Is Amanda Knox putting on a Crazy Person act to get away with murder only a Crazy Person could commit?

Italy's Trial of the Century pits Washington State college student Knox against an Italian prosecution that just doesn't know what to make of this loony American. (Yes, we do make them loonier here-- just be grateful she's not from Florida.) They've had to put up with all manner of antics, including the above-pictured shirt (on Valentine's Day, no less), kissing her co-defendant, and discussing her pink rabbit vibrator in open court...

Knox, 21, is accused of murdering her British roommate after a sex game went wrong-- or, some say, she planned it all along and joked about it being a thrill killing afterward. Her DNA (and the victim's) were found on a knife that may have been the murder weapon. Here's the rundown on how she's handled the early part of the trial so far:

-casually discussing the trial with an interpreter during recesses as if facing a misdemeanor charge instead of allegations of a brutal sex game slaying and coverup
-the All You Need Is Love t-shirt. A t-shirt to a trial? Either you are indeed a crazy person or you grew up in Florida

-walking "like a Hollywood diva sashaying along the red carpet" (says the Daily Mail)
-while awaiting interrogation after the murder, she occupied herself by working out, doing cartwheels, stretches, and splits in the police station
-her accomplice/boyfriend made out with her and she giggled and stuck her tongue out at him when they were later separated
-and one that wasn't really her fault: she had to answer questions in court about the pink rabbit-shaped vibe police discovered in her apartment. She giggled and said it was a gag gift from a friend. [Seattle Times]

One criminologist tells the Seattle Times that Knox's silliness could be a defense mechanism in reaction to her own pain and suffering. While we have seen that kind of thing before, usually the person in question is at least nervous, afraid, or mildly upset at some point...

Either way, things don't look promising for Italy's 2008 Woman of the Year.

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Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

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From the Annals of "Sassy": Kurt Cobain Wore an Engagement Ring

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:39:00 GMT

Can you believe it was 15 years ago that Kurt Cobain died? His body was discovered at his home in Lake Washington on April 8, 1994. To celebrate his life, the fine folks at I Heart Daily pulled out an old issue of "Sassy" (which, unfortunately met its end two years after the rocker) which featured Cobain and Courtney Love on the cover, shortly after the two were engaged. What stood out to us most was this little bit of sweetness:

"I mention that I saw their engagement announced on MTV when Nirvana's video was number one. Says Kurt, "It was embarrassing, but it was also kind of neat." Courtney says, "I thought it was kind of dorky." She's wearing an engagement ring, circa 1906, with a ruby or something in the middle. Kurt has one, too, an ornate band. "Sorry about this zit," she says, pointing to her cheek. "Zits are beauty marks," says Kurt.

—Sassy, April 1992

The entire article can be downloaded as a PDF here.

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and "Sassy."

[I Heart Daily: Flashback: Kurt, Courtney and Sassy Magazine]

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This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Is the fact that many voters know Gavin Newsom as the Mayor who married the gays more likely to help or hurt him with California voters? A former Governor and the current Mayor of Los Angeles both lead the Mayor of San Francisco in early polling.

Equality California and Marriage For All, which works on bringing minorities around to the left's view of the discussion, are working behind the scenes to reinforce any ruling in favor of gay marriage in the state. And, of course, they'll continue to work on equal rights regardless of the outcome.

Meanwhile, the whole Prop 8 nightmare continues:

Justices on the high court appear hesitant to overturn Proposition 8, while also reluctant to invalidate same-sex marriages performed before it passed, legal observers agreed Friday.
The California Supreme Court could decide that there are two kinds of same-sex couples: those who can't get married, and those who already did.

A ruling that upholds both voters' November decision to ban gay marriage and the 18,000 same-sex marriages conducted earlier in California could come off as a safe compromise. But it also promises to keep alive an issue that has split the state as few others have. [CBS]

In non-California news, the Million "Fag" March (their words) will hit Gage Park in Topeka, Kansas on May 30th this year. Topeka, as you may know, is the home of fascist favorite Fred Phelps.

A woman has called 9-1-1 over 500 times in less than two years to complain about a gay Seattle disco's noise pollution.

And two gay twins who left their Vermont restaurant jobs after being "sexually harassed" by the owners, who are also gay, were awarded a mere $1,000 apiece for their troubles.

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Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

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The Beatles Get Back to Where They Once Belonged

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:05:00 GMT

It was forty years ago today when Paul McCartney told the band to play.

The Beatles were on the roof of Apple Corp., their record company's building, gearing up to play and record the songs from their stalled "Get Back" sessions. It was freezing as hell and they hadn't performed live in over three years, but as you can see here, the band was in great spirits...

Today, Apple employees in London wanted to have a memorial party in the same spot as the Beatles' last public performance, but the police vetoed it. Wouldn't that have been incredible?

Luckily for us Americans, Ken Mansfield is holding a similar tribute concert on the roof of Seattle's Pike Place Market:

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of The Beatles' last performance, the band's former U.S. manager, Ken Mansfield, is teaming up with Seattle Beatles cover band Crème Tangerine for a free performance at Pike Place Market Friday. Mansfield was standing with Yoko Ono for the Beatle's final show, just steps away from the band. It was an impromptu performance to a London lunch crowd atop the rooftop of their record company, Apple... [Seattle Times]

If you're there, check it out and report back to us, will you?

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Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think...

Knox, a 21-year-old from Seattle (her current address is in an Italian prison), was living with fellow student Meredith Kircher at the time of Kircher's horrendous murder, which involve a slit throat and, according to the prosecution, an agonizingly slow demise. Knox claims that smoking a bit of hash that evening has made the events somehow confusing, although she claims to remember hearing Kircher's screams, during which a "scared" Knox covered her ears.

Actually, claim the authorities, Knox was the one causing the screaming, while her boyfriend and another friend cut the innocent girl's throat, as part of some sick manga-inspired experiment. Helping the state's case are the books found on the suspects, the contents of which include a passage about killing vampires. (Kircher had dressed as a vampire for Halloween 2007, which had taken place the night before.)

So, apparently, Italy has no famous women of its own (what happened to the hot model auctioning off her own virginity?) and must select visiting psychopaths. And really, is she so hot they couldn't have gone with the obvious #2, Sarah Palin, instead?

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Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:16:00 GMT

This is a story to make your balls retract into your stomach, a la Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions" character.

Charlie Manning (who actually gave his name to reporters for no good reason) just collected a cool 300 grand from the State of Washington, thanks to their terrible prison system. Not bad for less than a year of his time... although, there is that problem of his having left jail without a penis and second testicle...

Washington state has agreed to pay $300,000 to an ex-prison inmate whose penis was consumed by a flesh-eating bacteria while he was behind bars.
Charlie Manning told The Seattle Times Monday he will have $115,000 left after paying attorney's fees arising from his lawsuit and other bills. He expects to get the money this week.
"It's been a nightmare," Manning said. "I figured I should settle for what I could get because I just want it behind me. It's unreal. It's like something from Mars."
Manning, 61, was serving a 13-month sentence for a drunken fight when he became ill. The prison doctor wrongly diagnosed his symptoms as an allergic reaction to medication. It turned out he had necrotizing fasciitis and the bacteria destroyed his penis and one testicle.

Good Lord, what is this, France? No, Charlie, this isn't from Mars-- it's called American Justice, and it's more frightening than the words "Sarah Palin 2012." Remember kids: if you're going to do the crime, make sure you don't end up doing the time in Washington State.

Via 96.1.

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Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

"Porn and Pancakes..." "Porn and Pastries..." and the much-less-appetizing "Porn and Parents" (ouch.) Sounds like the agenda for a totally different kind of "#1 porn site..."

Unfortunately, it was a xxxchurch.com event, and an anti-pornography event to boot:

"Porn and Pastries" was part of an anti-porn weekend at the church that included "Porn and Pancakes" for guys and "Porn and Parents" on Saturday, and a "Porn Sunday" today.
Now, he says, his anti-porn site gets 300,000 to 700,000 visitors a month, depending on the publicity it gets.

Porn and Pastries was the first women-only event that the xxxchurch had done, as it stages more than 100 anti-porn gatherings a year, said Gross. [Seattle Times]

Of course, what Gross wouldn't say on the record was that 290,00 to 690,000 of those visitors were surfing for sexy nun videos. XXChurch, meanwhile, attempts to lead web users toward the Lord and away from Lord of the Cockrings. The event, held in Seattle by a Vegas-based Christian, drew hundreds of women, mainly between the ages of 20 and 40, all of whom paid $10 to hear stories of lovers scorned by porn-loving men. The message here: don't let your husbands look at porn or your lives will be ruined.

Although the message on xxxchurch.com's "Get Involved" page can be misinterpreted to encourage porn-loving:

See, if you think about it one way, it's a kind of Jesus Saves (Everyone, Including) Porn Stars... but if you read it the other way...

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Scantily-Clad Baristas Attack Local Pervert... Ah, Gotta Love Washington State...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

A man dressed in women's underwear (including on his head and over his license plate) visited a Parkland, Washington coffee shop drive thru three times. It wasn't because of the coffee...

An unidentified perv returned each time to make sure the girls, all of whom were in bikinis as part of the shop's dress code, got a good look at his wang. One of them, however, had seen "very little" but already enough...

Here's the raw video:

He's seen arriving for the first time, grossing out a barista, and roaring off. The victim looks to her friend for help, but soon their expose-r is back for more. (Ladies, it's called "9-1-1.") On the second go around, they try to catch his license plate, but it's also covered in women's underwear. (Even his face is covered-- with one eye partly expose to get their reactions and, um, drive.)

Finally, the victim, who is referred to as "Kylie" in another video, was ready. When the joy rider pulled up for Round Three, Kylie tossed a cup of boiling hot water in his face, allegedly getting the man on his face and arms or legs, depending on who's telling the story in other reports. Guess what his reaction is, just before speeding off for the final time?

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said 'oooh yeah...'"

Once again: nine-one-one, everybody. Taking matters into your own hands maybe playing into theirs...

Video clip via LiveLeak. Top image and quote from KIROTV.

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Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:52:00 GMT

A barista works a pump in one of the most chaste "uniforms."

We're not making this up: in Bonny Lake, WA, there's a coffeeshop called Hot Chick-a-Latte. Each of the "chick" baristas wears a bikini, lingerie, pasties, or only a scarf to cover up. And, as usual, there's a public outcry-- although it's for the wrong reason this time...

While mostly male customers line up in full approval of topless baristas at Hot Chick-a-Latte, several residents on Bonny Lake, with a population of 16,000, are complaining.

Bonny Lake police officers went undercover to check out the topless baristas themselves. [We'll bet they did-- ignoring bank robbery calls in their hurry to stop this outrage. - Ed.] The cops passed on their information to the city attorney, who found an ordinance to crack down on the coffee shop.

Exposing a woman’s breast below the areola is classified as adult entertainment in the community. The owner of Hot-Chick’a-Latte said she doesn’t have a problem with the ordinance -- that it will just shake-up the rotation of attire and probably eliminate scarf day.

We already have Hooters, do we really need another restaurant to takes us a step back to the reign of Caligula? Portland Indy Media debated this last year when covering a different Seattle topless coffeehouse: sexual exploitation? Harmless? You decide.

Of course, we don't expect this place to last much longer-- male patrons will become bored by the lack of nudity, some female patrons will stop going there entirely, and possible gender discrimination lawsuits will bog down the bottom line.

Or maybe, just maybe, this will catch on and... naw, nothing short of armed revolution will destroy Starbucks...

Via MyFox.

Generation Revolution: Nick Bozarth, 22 Year-Old Mayor

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Photo by John Lok for the Seattle Times

In the first installment of a new series on youthful American politicians, which will include interviews and other surprises, we present the story of Nick Bozarth, the 22-year-old mayor of a small town near Olympia, WA.

Bozarth, who took office in January in this conservative town of 1,400, is already causing loads of controversy. He alienated his working class base when he banned city workers from lunchtime visits to a local restaurant. He 86'd an embattled police chief and went toe-to-toe with the fire department.

But Bozarth has also done plenty of things right. Here's why he could go on to do big things:

1) He knocked on almost every door in the district for the unpaid job. Time and time again, we've seen young and energetic politicians win specifically because of this. Pundits, take note, this is how we do it.

2) Taking on the city workers... because he had received complaints. It showed that even though banning city workers from the restaurant (mainly because the workers had taken extended lunch breaks on the taxpayer's dime) didn't go over well, people have to respect the fact that he was only acting on complaints by honest taxpayers. That's gotta look good for the getting-the-job-done factor.

3) He has been called "gutsy" for taking on the local police chief, who spent time on the job exchanging racy text messages with a computer installation woman.

4) Napavine has no permanent fire department, only volunteers. So when the local station shut down for lack of recruits, Bozarth sprung into action, announcing the town would form its own fire department. But the fire district ignored him. Bozarth kept calling, e-mailing, and working his contacts and network until he got the proper paperwork through the back channels. This doesn't mean much in the scope of things... except that it shows he is going to go hard against bureaucracy, which is always a pleasure to see.

5) As Bozarth puts it on his website:

I would also like to recognize the accomplishment of the Napavine School District in ranking as a top high school in the nation according to a U.S. News and World Report. Our city is strong and growing...

We look forward to more from Bozarth.

Via The Seattle Times.

America's Top Model Cat Fight: A Show Worth Dying (And Killing) For

Katie Halper — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:15:00 GMT

They say a man who is not willing to die for something is not fit to live. Well, we say a woman who is willing to kill for America's Next Top Model is not fit watch America's Next Top Model. Unfortunately, a 42-year-old victim from Columbia City, Seattle, had to learn this lesson the hard way.

A woman who suffered life-threatening stab wounds to her chest and neck Wednesday allegedly was attacked by another woman who had been upset that she was too loud while watching America's Next Top Model. Police say the 42-year-old victim and her friends were in a Columbia City apartment drinking beer and watching the reality show hosted by former supermodel Tyra Banks, in which women compete for a chance to launch their modeling careers. The alleged attacker, an acquaintance of the victim, told the other woman to stop talking loudly.... When the "Top Model" fan refused, police say the other woman then opened the apartment door and told her to get out... the argument then turned physical, with one woman having a clump of her hair pulled out. The attacker then pulled a paring knife from a nearby apple and began stabbing the 42-year-old, according to a police report. Witnesses were able to pull the knife away and separate the two before police say one ran into a bedroom.

Luckily, the victim is alive. Unfortunately, the "die-hard" America's Next Top Model fan is still at large.

Seattle Sex Shop Robbed

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Of all the places to rob, a sex shop isn't the first that comes to mind. Sure, vibrators are a little over priced, but if we were going to pull off a robbery (which we're not), we'd probably choose a different kind-of business. Anyway, someone apparently really wanted sex toys and ripped off a Babeland in Seattle, but the joke is on the thieves.

The sex toys they stole—the ones on display—were mostly broken. From Babeland's blog:

Also, I hope they have fun with the sex toys they stole because I’ll let you in on a little secret: they’re mostly broken! The sex toys used in the window displays are old toys that have seen better days. We recycle them by putting silly hats on them or doll clothes or sunglasses. Unless the person who stole them has the most unusual doll-house collection I’ve ever seen, they’re not going to get much use out of their purloined goods.

It's also possible that someone raided the store in an act of protest, or that it was a drunk person from the pub next door, but we'd like to think some stupid robber is sitting at home wondering why her vibrator won't vibrate and wishing she'd held up a McDonald's for some cash instead.

[Babeland's Blog: Vandalism and Theft at Seattle Babeland]