Scanner : semen

Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:19:00 GMT

Chris Brown, bastard of the year, may be dating another woman he'll eventually make miserable.

Here's a big surprise: nudity is frowned upon, even in art galleries, in Vietnam.

Evil dictator condoms-- do we really want people to think their sperm might create the next Hitler?

Bras are even stronger than we thought. Or maybe it's money that stopped the bullet.

Dude, if the gardener says he slept with your wife, a famous model, he might be messing with you.

Did you never get into The Grateful Dead? This New York Times article might help.

Are these "animal sex toys" creepy, funny, or a bit of both?

The Taliban murdered two teenagers who were attempting to elope.

And Keira Knightley attacked the internet and dissed Facebook in particular. Good for her.

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Divorced Couple in Custody Battle Over Dog Semen

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:57:00 GMT

We've never had the desire to get a pet with a significant other (okay, maybe once). It's much better going into the relationship knowing whose pet is whose so that when the inevitable split comes, we at least have our furry friends—who love us unconditionally—to cuddle up to. A not-so-wise couple that divorced seven years ago were back in court this week fighting over a dog. Sort-of.

Karen Scully, who lives in Florida, and her ex-husband, Anthony Scully, who stayed in Michigan after the divorce, have gone before Michigan family court judge Cheryl Matthews to determine which of them is legally entitled to frozen semen belonging to Cyrus, Regg and Romeo—dogs.

The three dogs, all AKC-registered bullmastiffs, are apparently worth $2,000, making their spunk just as valuable.

In the end, the judge—who at first asked "I asked, 'Am I Being Punk'd? Is this a 'Candid Camera' thing?"—ruled that it was not a divorce matter and told the couple they would have to ruff it out in civil court. Except she did not make that terrible pun; we did.

[Freep.com: Battle over frozen dog sperm gives judge pause -- and paws]

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Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

[Image]

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:35:00 GMT

Last June, a woman who had recently broken up with her boyfriend was shopping with her young daughter at the Portland, Oregon Target, just minding her own business. Out of nowhere, her scorned lover approached her and threw-- not acid-- but his own spunk in her face, while the little girl looked on in horror.

The man's eventual convicted for assault wasn't enough for Oregon legislators. Earlier this week, they made it a crime more akin to sexual assault, with greater punishments, and passed a bill making the act of throwing your semen at someone a crime. (The state House passed it unanimously; now the moves on to the Senate, where it will likely have smooth sailing.)

We're not entirely pleased with what we expel during sex either and are always surprised (but in no way appalled) that our partners haven't minded handling it. But having it thrown on you in a public place? This is one of the few bills in the history of humankind that we can all get behind.

Meanwhile, men the world over continue to glorify an arguably degrading practice. The most popular photos of the morning were these Got Milk "parodies" from a Russian tease magazine:

Story via OregonLive.

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Who Does Depression Hurt? Everybody Except Women Taking Semen Vaginally, Says a New Study

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 22:35:00 GMT

Women are diagnosed with clinical depression in higher numbers than men. This doesn't mean women are more prone to depression, only that they go to the doctor and get a diagnosis more often than men. But now a new study claims to have found the miracle cure for female depression: semen!

As women, our moods are especially dependent on hormones and, as you might expect, semen is chock full of them. So if birth control supposedly works better when inserted directly into the vagina, like vodka tampons (!?) wouldn't a straight shot of semen right in there work better than say, popping a semen pills, partaking in a Creamy Cum Crepe or even taking a shot of it orally? Yes, say the authors of the study who reported that women who did not use condoms during sex showed lower depression scores than women who used condoms or were not sexually active.

Our first thought, of course, was that women who were not using condoms were probably in long-term relationships and having regular sex, and more often. And sex, as we all know, puts one in a good mood. The authors, however, were less forgiving of women:

The authors acknowledge that there are lots of issues with the study. The women who didn't use condoms could be less depressed just because they are having sex more often. They could also be more likely to engage in risky behavior, though this trait doesn't appear to correlate with depression or lack thereof.

Other interesting results of the study:

Not only that, people who used condoms the most often were also the ones most likely to report having attempted suicide. Whether or not people were in relationships at the time had no effect. Interestingly, they also found that oral contraceptives did not have a significant effect on depressive symptoms. Finally, they found that women who did not use condoms had sex almost twice as often as those who did.

Still, the study concluded that women who have sex without condoms—not women who have more sex—are less depressed. Too bad AIDS is such a downer.

[Neurotopia: Friday Weird Science: Feeling down? Have you tried...semen?]

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Image via ebarney's flickr

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

Emily Farris — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:55:00 GMT

We wish we made that up. But we didn't. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at Creamy Cum Crepes from the new Natural Harvest—A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. We're generally pretty good about figuring out if something is fo' serious or not, but we're really perplexed by this one....

The description:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

Really? Why even involve the food? More important, however, is how many Weight Watchers points are a tablespoon of cum? We should probably know that, anyway.

[Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes]

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(Thanks, Prof Robert!)

And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:00 GMT

The British know their sex... which is why they're also qualified to judge the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. And this ain't "bad sex" that appears "in fiction." It's bad sex writing from some of the great novels of the year, including John Updike's Witches of Eastwick sequel...

Updike takes the year's Lifetime Achievement Award, while the year's top honoree is Rachel Johnson, sister of London Mayor Boris (what's up with these conservatives, like Bill O'Reilly and Scooter Libby, not knowing how to write sex? Wait, nevermind, we know the answer.)

Based on a cursory search of these books for sex scenes, we found this one from Updike's latest:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

In a Guardian interview, Johnson is a good sport, while the article's author points out some passages that might have caught the committee's attention:

Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".

Just for laughs, here's the 2007 winner, by our good buddy, now deceased, Norman Mailer:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.
'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

It's enough to turn you off having sex, let alone just reading about it.

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Today in WTF: Belgian Sex Ed PSA

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:42:00 GMT

This bizarre sex ed PSA, apparently the work of Belgium's wonderful people, reminds us of that fake J.C. Penney's ad that condoned, nay encouraged, promiscuous teen sex.

Whether it's real or not, it's either hilarious or hilariously bad... you decide...

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Got Miley?

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Miley Cyrus went and got herself a milk ad. 100% Scanner approved...

...even if her top lip is covered in creamy, white stuff.

We used to have this "bit" where we'd put sour cream or whipped cream or whatever all over our mouth and plea, "But Mom, we were only making out!" We'd do it way before we knew what it meant, you know, because we saw some older girls doing it. Ah, teenagers.

[via Gabby Babble]

Can I Have A Window Seat In The Non-Masturbating Section?

Katie Halper — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:45:00 GMT

A 21-year old woman is suing American Airlines for failing to protect her from involuntarily and unknowingly joining the mile high club. Apparently as the woman slept during her flight from LA to Dallas, she got more than just beauty sleep. 20 minutes before the flight landed, the woman woke up to discover that a man had moved into the seat next to her, was looking at her, and masturbating. The woman responded by turning towards the window and nervously running her fingers through her hair when, in a There's Something About Mary moment (no, not the franks and beans one), she realized she had “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” -- and it wasn't an anti-frizz hair product. The woman then cried and unsuccessfully attempted to get the attention of the flight attendants. According to the law suit, "a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair." This sounds traumatic, and nobody wants to blame the victim. But it seems like the American Airlines flight attendants acted appropriately-- once the plane landed, they notified the airport police and the man was arrested. And anyone who has ever needed an extra blanket knows how hard it is to get the attention of a flight attendant. But we also know the old adage, "if at first you don't succeed in getting the attention of a flight attendant to report being masturbated on, dust yourself off and try again, even if that means getting out of your seat while the fastened seat belt sign is on."

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Sorry for the screenshot... it's really not the same as just a jpeg of the pic, minus that wonderful, boner-in-cheek headline.

Cryoss International, a sperm bank in downtown Manhattan (perfect for the closeted lawyer at your firm who never gets to use that sperm anyway), has an interesting homepage, linked via the same obnoxious Craig's List ad we've captured above.

We love how the page is vulgar and crass, visually, but whips out the ol' legalese in the text, as if nothing is happening and a man is not looking down his boxers with an exaggerated gesture of measuring his manhood.

Here's one from the golden age of advertising if the above image doesn't get you smirking: