Scanner : senior citizens

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Gunning Lesbian

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:09:00 GMT

Great news, everybody, swine flu has not affected The Real World: Cancun.

This time, Sean Penn is the one to file for a separation.

A high school marching band member fended off a robber with her baton.

Check out the senior citizen sisters' heroin operation.

A teen prostitute in Sweden claims she was forced to have sex with over 500 men.

Elizabeth Edwards says her husband John should not have run for President a second time, especially after that whole idiotic affair fiasco thing.

A FEMA coloring book features a 9/11 image.

David Blaine is teaching Mia Farrow how to starve herself for publicity.

And Kelly McGillis came out of the closet.

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Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

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Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Seeing The Last Picture Show on VHS at age 12 did three things for our childhood: 1) we finally understood why men salivated over Cybill Shepherd; 2) we became madly obsessed with the honky tonk music of Hank Williams and 3) we developed a crush on an actress we assumed was still a total unknown, an Oscar winner named Cloris Leachman.

In the movie, Leachman seduces (or allows herself to be seduced by) a shy high school boy, who ultimately falls in love with her and loses her in a fit of miscommunication. Leachman, who plays an aging housewife in a heartbreaking marriage, gives one of the best performances in screen history and virtually could have been her own movie.

Last year, when Leachman was on Dancing With the Stars, her career took off again and, to capitalize on it, the sexy senior is dishing dirt on her romances with famous co-stars and other Hollywood dudes, leaving out none of the racy details...

On then box-office sensation Gene Hackman:

"As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together. We didn't finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven't seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was."

On Ed Asner, her co-star on the Mary Tyler Moore Show (yep, that's where you know her from):

"He always told me he loved me, and every once in a while, he'd grab me and whisper, 'You're God's gift to man!'

"One day we made an agreement that I would have sex with him if he lost 32 pounds. He almost did it; he lost 29 pounds. We both got so disoriented at what we were facing that his weight shot back up, and our assignation never happened."

And on singer Andy Williams, a lifelong friend:

"enduring passion" "tryst with caviar and champagne" "a cascade of photographs fell onto the floor and into my lap. All were handsome shots of his wife and his daughter.
"There was not much either of us could say. It was apparent to both of us where Andy's heart lay. . . . [It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss."

In case 82-year-old Leachman is starting to turn you on, there's this news from yesterday:

68 percent of men between 57 and 85 reported having sex last year, as did 42 percent of women... more older women might have wanted to have sex, but there just aren't as many available older men for them to partner with. [HealthDay]

That's where you come in, dear readers...

Excerpts obtained by the NY Post.

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While You Were Sleeping: Sean Penn's Pick For Best Actor

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

One of the married Bee Gee's fathered a child with his housekeeper.

Claire Danes is engaged to-- surprise-- one of her ol' co-stars.

Helicopter girl turns out to be a porn star. This would be a post in itself if TMZ hadn't edited out or censored all the good parts.

Italy now has its own Terri Schiavo case. Hopefully, it, too, will spell the beginning of the end of a right-wing dictator-type's stranglehold on a country; in this case, Berlusconi's.

My thirteen-year-old inner self cries at the news of Kristy Swanson's wedding.

Psychologist sex-- it's all the rage.

A relationship with Anne Hathaway seems more appealing by the day...

Being fans of the four-hour Che, we'll side with Sean Penn on this one: he should be up against Benicio del Toro.

Seriously, how did this 70-year-old woman know burglars had sex in her house? Did they leave Polaroids? Condoms? A sex tape? We want to know, damn it.

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Ex-Prostitutes In South Korea Have A Bone To Pick With Us

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:40:00 GMT

Kim Ae-ran is a fifty-eight-year-old former prostitute living in South Korea. She's been reading in the news about how her country is seeking apologies and other reparations from the government of Japan and it's been pissing her off. Not because she disagrees-- she just thinks the U.S. government's involvement in her country's underworld should be addressed as well.

“Our government was one big pimp for the U.S. military,” she says, and that's just the beginning...

Today's New York Times features a story on women who were tools of the South Korean government, which they accuse of boosting prostitution in the country in order to stabilize the economy and keep the Americans satiated.

The Korean police would then detain the prostitutes who were thought to be ill, the women said, locking them up under guard in so-called monkey houses, where the windows had bars. There, the prostitutes were forced to take medications until they were well.
The women... compared themselves to the so-called comfort women who have won widespread public sympathy for being forced into prostitution by the Japanese during World War II. Whether prostitutes by choice, need or coercion, the women say, they were all victims of government policies.

A woman, identified only as "Bae" in the above and other photographs, is 80-years-old, living on welfare and off of an oxygen machine. Her loose collective seeks compensation and an official apology, which we doubt will come anytime soon...

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What A Dick: Guy Invades Old Lady's House, Gets One in the Nuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

If you could've made this story up, what would you name the suspect in a home invasion, who was there presumably to rape an 88-year-old woman, who then grabbed him by the balls until he ran away and was quickly arrested?

No, really-- what would be the best name imaginable for a guy like this?

How about Michael Dick? Seriously, that's the name of a guy making major national news today in Portland, Oregon... perhaps due to the fact that he got his ass kicked by an epically awesome senior citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous, after breaking into her house and throwing her face-down onto a chair, whereupon our hero of the day, wearing only a bathrobe, reached back and got a handful of his genitals. Dick(head) then ran out of there without a word, taking off in a car which was soon spotted by the cops.

Michael G. Dick, a 46-year-old resident of Dersham, faces indecency, burglary, and other charges.

Photo via wire services.

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Today in Old People Are Still Dating: Old People Are Still Dating

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

We're glad to know that old people are still dating and having sex—we really are—but we wonder why the subject continues to be newsworthy.

Is the intent of the authors to make us more comfortable with the fact that seniors still have sex? Maybe some of us would like to not think about Grandma getting it on. Perhaps we assume that once Grandpa kicks the bucket, Gamma devotes her life to church and biscuits, and maybe she does. But she doesn't have to.

If the articles are supposed to encourage the old people who aren't getting it on to actually go out and get it on, we're all for it. But we think the pieces should be more servicey, like: "Online Dating for Seniors: Adult Friend Finder is Not Your Friend," "Vibrators That Won't Give You a Heart Attack" or the all-important "Yes, Vagina, Seniors Can Still Get HIV." However, if we can keep getting quotes like this, we say keep the stories coming:

"For women, it's difficult because the competition is very high," Laumann said. Because the death rate is higher for males, he noted, it is more common that a woman is single after 60.

"Men who are presentable may have women chasing after them with pot pies" at that age, Laumann said and laughed.

Make it a casserole and that will be us in 45 years.

[Daily Iowan: Entering the swinging 60s, senior citizens dating]

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