Scanner : seniors

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:16:00 GMT

I, Scanner Brian, used to live in a room in one of the old Vanderbilt mansions-- and let me just say, it was no help in getting laid. What was once a family gem had turned into a wrecking ball-ready hellhole, with peeling paint, nails sticking out of the walls and staircases, windows that wouldn't open or close, and walls that would shake with every passing subway car-- the subway stop being right under my window. Girlfriends who would stay the night early in the romance managed to evade staying over there for up to two years after, despite our continued relationships.

Apparently, it worked wonders for Gloria Vanderbilt-- then again, she probably never lived in that building-- as her new X-rated novel is full of healthy sexual adventures. Vanderbilt, the mother of CNN's Anderson Cooper, is 85-years-old...

Vanderbilt, whose past sexual conquests were Frank Sinatra, Sidney Lumet, and Wyatt Cooper (Anderson's Dad, of course), is out with a book entitled Obsession: An Erotic Tale. At 143 pages, it is, as the Post's Andrea Peyser has already mentioned, "easily read with one hand."

I will begin, softly at first so that you can sleep a few more minutes, the long, slow, delicious process of licking your ----, and since I must have your honey milk . . . I will struggle to stay quiet . . . Master, I whisper as you surrender to our ecstasy."

Dare I suggest to be placed fully dressed over our favorite ottoman . . . That done, placed over your knees, skirt lifted, begging you not to restrain yourself in giving my flesh the serious whacking I deserve. An ebony, smooth-backed hairbrush -- most appropriate. The Mason-Pearson are considered the finest, and it would be no trouble, while you are in London, to pick one up of a heft that pleases you at Harrods.

Ludicrous or luscious? You tell us.

The 85-year-old socialite mom of Anderson Cooper says her X- rated novel, "Obsession: An Erotic Tale," came straight out of her subconscious as she slept. "It was all surreal, and then I channeled it onto pages," she told The Post's Georgett Roberts at the Na tional Arts Club gala for Joyce Carol Oates. The steamy read, first revealed this week by Andrea Peyser, is about "sex on many levels -- emotion ally, mentally and physical as well," she said. "Yes, it's graphic -- it's an erotic novel!"

When we asked Vanderbilt if she still has sex, she let out a long, loud laugh, then uttered, "No comment." [NY Post]

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Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Seeing The Last Picture Show on VHS at age 12 did three things for our childhood: 1) we finally understood why men salivated over Cybill Shepherd; 2) we became madly obsessed with the honky tonk music of Hank Williams and 3) we developed a crush on an actress we assumed was still a total unknown, an Oscar winner named Cloris Leachman.

In the movie, Leachman seduces (or allows herself to be seduced by) a shy high school boy, who ultimately falls in love with her and loses her in a fit of miscommunication. Leachman, who plays an aging housewife in a heartbreaking marriage, gives one of the best performances in screen history and virtually could have been her own movie.

Last year, when Leachman was on Dancing With the Stars, her career took off again and, to capitalize on it, the sexy senior is dishing dirt on her romances with famous co-stars and other Hollywood dudes, leaving out none of the racy details...

On then box-office sensation Gene Hackman:

"As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together. We didn't finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven't seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was."

On Ed Asner, her co-star on the Mary Tyler Moore Show (yep, that's where you know her from):

"He always told me he loved me, and every once in a while, he'd grab me and whisper, 'You're God's gift to man!'

"One day we made an agreement that I would have sex with him if he lost 32 pounds. He almost did it; he lost 29 pounds. We both got so disoriented at what we were facing that his weight shot back up, and our assignation never happened."

And on singer Andy Williams, a lifelong friend:

"enduring passion" "tryst with caviar and champagne" "a cascade of photographs fell onto the floor and into my lap. All were handsome shots of his wife and his daughter.
"There was not much either of us could say. It was apparent to both of us where Andy's heart lay. . . . [It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss."

In case 82-year-old Leachman is starting to turn you on, there's this news from yesterday:

68 percent of men between 57 and 85 reported having sex last year, as did 42 percent of women... more older women might have wanted to have sex, but there just aren't as many available older men for them to partner with. [HealthDay]

That's where you come in, dear readers...

Excerpts obtained by the NY Post.

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Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

When we were younger, we couldn't stand The Price Is Right. We've always recoiled violently from advertising and even more so from subliminal advertising and product placement. But when it was announced that Bob Barker would retire and, recently, that the Drew Carey version is going off the air next month, we felt it was time to reconsider America's greatest daytime show.

Barker has always struck us as a heroic common man figure-- a guy who put in 35 years at the same job without complaint (after all, it must have become redundant around year four), did 50 years in show business, and even poked fun at himself at the end of his career in Happy Gilmore instead of resting on his laurels.

It turns out, Barker returned to the set yesterday to film a show airing April 6th in which he co-hosts with Carey and promotes his new, for-charity memoir. In honor of this wonderful man and his charming, charmed life, we present our Five Favorite Moments From the Bob Barker Price Is Right...

5) Hordes of Excited Women Molest Bob Barker. You only need to watch the first fifteen-twenty seconds to remember why Bob Barker quit the show due to his age and serious back injuries. At 2:18, watch as Colonel Sanders pulls the same move. And at 8:15, don't miss Ethel's "dream" about Bob.

4) Tidy cats. We'll never look at our roommate's cat the same way.

3) Nipple slip! A Price Is Right model endures a nipple slip on national television. Wait a minute, this show is live?! (Forunately for the squares running CBS, you can't really see anything with the credits going up.)

2) TIE: A Model and a Gentleman and The Third Time's The Charm. Believe it or not, there were countless on-air marriage proposals during Barker's 35-year run and we weren't able to choose between these two. Try not to choke up a bit here...

1) Cheating Emerson student -- is there any other kind? Bob Barker famously walks off the set and say, "I'm going home." It may not be as powerful as the last couple, but this may have been the most-publicized moment in the entire show's history. Barker rarely got upset with anyone, but this time, you believe it...

You can watch the final minutes of his final show here, by the way.

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What A Dick: Guy Invades Old Lady's House, Gets One in the Nuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

If you could've made this story up, what would you name the suspect in a home invasion, who was there presumably to rape an 88-year-old woman, who then grabbed him by the balls until he ran away and was quickly arrested?

No, really-- what would be the best name imaginable for a guy like this?

How about Michael Dick? Seriously, that's the name of a guy making major national news today in Portland, Oregon... perhaps due to the fact that he got his ass kicked by an epically awesome senior citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous, after breaking into her house and throwing her face-down onto a chair, whereupon our hero of the day, wearing only a bathrobe, reached back and got a handful of his genitals. Dick(head) then ran out of there without a word, taking off in a car which was soon spotted by the cops.

Michael G. Dick, a 46-year-old resident of Dersham, faces indecency, burglary, and other charges.

Photo via wire services.

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Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

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90-Year-Old Woman Served Lunch By Half-Naked Man (And It's Her Make-A-Wish Wish, Too)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Normally, the St. Austel nursing home gets "final" requests for things like a golf game or a visit from the grandkids-- you know, peaceful day trips ending with a beer. They usually don't get a request from their very elderly patients for male staff members to serve fish and chips without their clothes on...

An unnamed male staff member volunteered to serve 90-year-old patient, who also remains anonymous, a "Meal of the Day" at the inhouse restaurant. Did we mention he was dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron? She told a reporter for the BBC: "I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips served by the half naked man." No, problem, grandma... and next time, we'll be sure to drop trou... all the way... if you're up for it... because you kick serious ass, wrinkled or otherwise.

Although this is as far as the local reporter went in describing the events, we're pretty sure that, after a nap and some bingo, the party quickly took on this kind of vibe:

More via the BBC. Top photo via.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Next Ashley Alexandra Dupre Scandal Begins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

A nine-year-old girl successfully sued her parents to break away from her birth name. You will be astounded to hear what it was... although at least it wasn't Benson or Hedges (a pair of twins) or, better yet, Number 16 Bus Shelter, all of which are real.

The most famous penis in the world is now 17.

50 Cent is suing Taco Bell. That's all you need to know.

Bill O'Reilly's boneheaded racism has drown the wrath of Nas, who is set to appear on The O'Reilly Factor.

McCain is gaining on Obama in four key swing states.

A seventy-two-year-old woman is the oldest new mother in the world today after giving birth to twins. Owwww...

Anyone out there read Daily Candy? Somebody must be subscribed to it, since it's selling to Comcast for in the neighborhood of $75 million.

And Ashley Alexandra Dupre was spotted entering (and leaving) the Gramercy Park Hotel after a 24-hour tryst with a married man. Is she still hooking or did Ashley find love with an asphalt millionaire? At this point, we're beyond caring.

The pretty woman, 23, and 35-year-old Thomas J. "TJ" Earle were spied ducking into the Gramercy Park Hotel, where they rented a room Tuesday after a long day drinking, dining, shopping and snuggling together in limos around the Big Apple, sources told The Post.

Olive Riley, World's Oldest Blogger, Dies At Age 108

Ina Maier — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:14:00 GMT

This ridiculously awesome woman is Olive Riley, the world's oldest blogger. The less-awesome part of all this is that she passed away in an Australian nursing home on Saturday, though, per her blog, not before singing "a happy little song."

Born in 1899 (no joke!), she started blogging in February 2007, at the suggestion of Mike Rubbo, an Australian film-maker who shot a documentary of her life four years ago. Olive's "blob", as she liked to call it, covers the last, oh, century of her life and what it was like to live through two world wars, raise three children on her own, and work as both a farmhand and a barmaid.

We'd give you some examples of her adorable posts, but for some reason her actual blob, conveniently titled "The Life Of Riley", isn't loading (but keep trying!). CNN says she wrote about how to do laundry way back in the early 1900s. It involves wood, something called "the Copper", soap chips, a muslin bag, Sunlight soap (who knew?) and something else called Reckitt's Blue.

Anyway, we recommend just watching these videos, because there's nothing cuter than a century-old Australian woman showing you how to use a million year old iron or singing something called "Smile, Smile, Smile." R.I.P. Olive.

Photo via http://disembedded.wordpress.com

75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:40:00 GMT

You don't know how badly we want to attend this year's Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland. And that was before we found out about the star attraction, 75-year-old stripper Lynn Ruth Miller of San Francisco, a former journalist who only recently took up burlesque...

According to the Times (UK), Miller is

“living the dream” in an act that celebrates every fold and crease of her body, “revelling in the disasters” that the ageing process wreaks.

“If you want to feel old and inadequate, that's up to you, but there is a choice. I look like an old lady, I know I do, but I never suffer pain, I never get tired and it is so exhilarating to communicate with people. When I'm on stage, I'm talking to the world, saying, ‘Don't sit in your rocking chair - get out there and live',” she said.

For her show, Ageing is Amazing, Ms Miller has devised an eye-catching opening sequence that echoes Samuel Goldwyn's dictum: start with an earthquake and build up to a climax.

Her act concludes with a robe and chemises falling by the wayside, followed by a dramatic finish that leaves her clad only in an elaborate underwear getup.

And now, if it means taking off my clothes to make people notice me, why not? I'll do it,” said Ms Miller, who has been married twice. She admits that she probably terrifies her former husbands.

Right on! Don't stop, gorgeous, those losers can't handle your awesomeness. (Speaking of not being able to handle it, check out the cheap shots on Fark: "75-year old stripper to perform at this year's Edinburgh Festival. Organizers fear ticket sales will be flat, profits droop.")

We strongly recommend you check out the entire story-- there's more than we could ever excerpt.

Sloppy Seconds: American Apparel's Latest Porn Star Pick

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Want an explanation of the finale of the Sopranos? Too bad, David Chase isn't going to make a movie, sources say.

The overhyped/underwhelming Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial has ended in a settlement. Now, can Hollywood please send us a real scandal for a change?

Best or worst excuse ever? Check out France's First Lady, Carla Bruni, on why her belly appears to be growing...

The model-turned-songstress says she "would certainly like to be pregnant" but is not. If her tummy has grown, it is because she enjoys an occasional beer.

Perhaps they've finally discovered Nerve: according to the Washington Post, seniors are turned on and acting on it now more than ever.

American Apparel hired another porn star. Surprisingly, it's not Julia Allison.

Karl Rove may be heading for another legal problem after her refused to testify in Congress. The Democrats could hold him in contempt, which is apparently a new thing for them.

Another country club is in trouble, this time in Phoenix, for refusing to separate the sexes. Alice Cooper allegedly had no problems eating his fried bat without any groupies present.

In a bid to offset the poor attention spans of most American TV viewers, NBC has decided it needs a webseries to introduce a new superhero to "Heroes," rather than try to work him in to the regular season. Check out the details here. Or ignore them and just stare at the above photo of Hayden, who has no part in the webisodes.

Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is Chick-Fil-A's free chicken dinner. There is a stipulation, though: you have to come dressed as a cow. We recommend the following outfit:

Thanks, Bianca!

When Are You Too Old And Senile To Have Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole told you about the case of the two assisted living residents, the 95-year-old man and the 82-year-old woman, who were found engaging in oral sex... by the man's son.

Now, we ask you: are old people who are "losing it" well enough to give consent... to have sex?

This one's a heartbreaker, unless you're the freaked-out son, who demanded the facility separate the couple permanently.

After that, Dorothy stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression, and was hospitalized for dehydration. When Bob was finally moved out of the facility in January, she sat in the window for weeks waiting for him. She doesn't do that anymore, though: "Her Alzheimer's is protecting her at this point," says her doctor, who thinks the loss might have killed her if its memory hadn't faded so mercifully fast.

We had a relative who had Alzheimer's before he passed. If he had had sex with another patient, we doubt anyone would've cared. Why not have a few kicks before the finally one (of the bucket, that is.) The man had been a cool dude in his time-- a jazz musician, no less-- so why would we want to take away his last shred of dignity?

The debate goes on in this three-page story on Slate.

Previously: Shocker! Old People Still Alive