Scanner : september 11

Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

My fellow Americans, I have only had one Presidential-themed encounter personally, but I'm going to share my mom's anecdote and my dad's half-one as well. It's a Kanes' Brushes With Presidential Fame Extravaganza.

Picture it: Central Jersey, nineteen eighty something. My moms was driving along route 287 when a high-end foreign car (she forgets the make now, but guesses BMW) took a swerve towards my mom's mustard-colored Volvo station wagon. Mom looked over at the driver, who was rummaging for something on the dashboard, and was startled to recognize one of the most iconic faces of her lifetime looking back.

It was Jackie O! She lived in some ritzy part of the Jerse at the time, possibly Pluckemin, although that factoid is now hazy in my parents' memories as well. They met eyes, and Jackie did a little "oops, sorry" wave. Then my mom and John John's mom happened to get off at the same exit, and happened to end up at the same strip mall. (Nobody was stalking anybody, so lay off.) Jackie was heading to the dry cleaners, noticed my mom's car as the one she'd swerved at earlier, and waved over to her. She was maybe not the greatest driver, but no one could deny the lady's grace.

It must have been the early 80s, because I was young enough that I didn't know who Jackie O was, but I remember how thrilled my mom was telling the story to everyone. Another time, my dad stood behind Jackie on line when she was buying cigarettes, but he didn't get any Presidential waves. I did though, years later. Here's my encounter, as told when I was interviewed on Gothamist.

A few days after September 11th, a few friends and I made it into the sealed-off downtown area to try to volunteer at one of the hospitals. We ended up sitting in a waiting room for hours, not being of any help to anyone. The whole front glass wall of the waiting room was covered with missing-person fliers. While waiting there I saw, on the fuzzy local TV news (all the TV towers had been knocked out, remember) President Bush boarding a small plane to come to New York. That’s right, that goon is President, I was reminded again. Finally we gave up waiting around to help and headed out. I peeled a scrap of paper from a car that was covered in that damp, gray-white dust that was made up of the collapsed buildings and humanity and planes. It said “Appendix,” and I kept it in my pocket. As we walked uptown we were stopped by a cop, on a corner across the street from City Hall. All pedestrian traffic was stopped on all corners at that intersection, though we weren’t told why. Finally a succession of black SUVs and other Secret Service vehicles with tinted glass came around the corner heading down to Ground Zero…it was the Presidential motorcade. New Yorkers on each corner of the intersection stood silent as the motorcade slowly proceeded by, then we saw President Bush’s grinning monkey face at one window, and he waved and gave us the thumbs up. The fucking thumbs up?! Was he joking? Nobody waved back, cheered, booed, or said much of anything, really. It was just like, Holy shit; that was the President. It was just another odd sight to an already stunned populace at one of the most unreal times ever.

Kind of a bum note to end on...but then just remember OBAMA!

USA!

Happy Presidents' Day, everyone.

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If There's One Way to Make The Tragedy of 9/11 Worse, This is It

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Remember earlier today when we said we wanted to forget that it's the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center terrorist attacks? Well, ladies and gentlemen, artwork like this is why.

After the jump: "free fries for your suffering" and "like a Jesus rising up from the ashes."

More pain and suffering at Wonkette.

Dear Iraq: I'm Just Not That Into You. -America

Katie Halper — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Hey Iraq,

What's up? It's me, America. I'm sorry I didn't really plan anything for our five-year anniversary Wednesday. You know I was never good with dates, or making plans, or remembering anything, especially when it comes to your needs. I mean I could barely keep your family members straight, you know like your Shia/ Sunni thing? That was really confusing! Wow, five years is a long time. You know, when I brought you democracy five years ago, I was really into you. In fact, I had had my eye on you for a long time. I was just waiting for some excuse to pursue you. So when that whole 9/11 thing happened, it seemed like the perfect ice-breaker. And I made a move.

But I think I was maybe into you for the wrong reasons. I've been doing a lot of processing lately. Remember how I used to tell you how badly I wanted to "invade you" and "liberate you" from that abusive dictator? Well I did. And after I freed you from Saddam, I ravished you; I ravished your oil fields, and I privatized your industries and and I drilled you long and hard until you didn't have any oil left to give me... and it was great.

But I have a knight-in-shining-armor savior complex. Or really more like a knight-in-insufficient-body-armor complex. And added to that was my Oedipal pathology and the weird issues I had with failure and impotence over the fact that I had gone after you in the 1990s but wasn’t man enough to seal the deal.

Anyway, there was just a lot of baggage involved. And honestly, the thing I was most interested in was your booty. I mean, after I removed Saddam and got your oil, I didn't really have a plan or anything, because I guess I was thinking with the wrong head. I guess, I didn't really think about what it would be like between us once Saddam was gone, whether we’d still be into each other, what your friends and family would think of me and how they'd respond to me. I didn’t even bother learning Iraqi, so I couldn't even communicate with you. And I fired all my translators because they're all gay.

And so I've been kind of going through the motions with you. I'm still with you, sure, but I don't really care about you as much as an occupying power should. And I guess I'm just not that invested in my relationship with you (I’m talking emotionally here).

And before you say anything, I know I've sent you mixed messages. And I apologize for the drunk dials and texts about your weapons of mass destruction and yellow cake and all that. I was just really trying to get into you oil fields.

Which is why, on our five-year anniversary, I didn't really do anything special. I mean in all fairness I was just too distracted because there are a lot of big things going on with me right now. You know I'm not really good at communicating, so the best way to understand where I’m at, what I’m thinking about and what I'm looking for in life (and on-line) is probably by going to Google Hot Trends. You’ll see that Wednesday, while you were celebrating our anniversary, I was busy looking at naked photos of Kristin Davis, trying to figure out if Sex and the City’s Charlotte really did go “from Deck the Halls to Licking Balls.” I was also really concerned about the "child uses lunchbox as toilet" story. And, honestly, how could I think about how many of your people and my soldiers have died, when I had a much more important calculation to determine: "how many horns does a unicorn have?"

So, Iraq, I guess I just wanted to say that if you want to be friends that’s cool. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, with a country that really cares about you and is willing to put in the hard work necessary to lay the foundation for a healthy democracy, it ain’t me babe. I’m just not that into you.

~~Peace~~ Best,

America

P.S. I’m telling you now because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn’t want you to hear it from Iran, because I know you guys have this weird relationship. And the fact that I confuse you guys and can’t keep you straight sometimes doesn’t help, I’m sure. But you guys are neighbors so I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumors. I mean, I've already been outed by Seymour Hersh who said "my wet dream is hitting Iran." (Am I that transparent, Sy?) I’m trying to keep my intentions towards Iran under wraps. But, yes, I’m kind of starting something with her.