Scanner : sex life

Celibate Priest Publishes Sex Advice Book

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:54:00 GMT

It's being touted as "The Catholic Karma Sutra," which is hilarious enough to warrant its own story. The book is by a man who goes by the name of Father Ksawery Knotz, and he's a celibate monk residing in Poland, where his book is selling like sexy hotcakes.

But what does some monk, probably a virgin, know about fornicating? And don't say "depends on if it's with young boys..."

Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God is heating up Poland's bestseller lists but, thankfully, several international publications were able to obtain copies. Between two or three of them, we put together a compendium of classic quotes from the text:

"Every act -- a type of caress, a sexual position -- with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God.

"During sexual intercourse, couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought-after caresses."

"Contrary to common belief, the Church does not ban the pleasures of the flesh.”

Husbands must "take care that women experience pleasure... [requiring] extra efforts on the part of the husband."

"Oral Sex is Moral" reads the headline for one chapter, when translated into English

One news source adds: "He says that there is a lot of negative talk about sex in the church, and in his book he wants to reject everything negative and compares it to a football match. Fouls are not allowed, but sex is matches in various leagues. They can be great like in the Premier League, or boring like some local match, he explains. Besides that, the priest considers oral sex and caressing totally normal."

His website, in Polish is apparently here. Sourced from here and here and here.

Related:

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:42:00 GMT

Kim Capello, a 56-year-old man who used to be the Mayor pro term of Novi, just outside of Detroit, was arrested last month for indecent exposure.

While it's always news when a politician is arrested for whipping out his boner (Kim is currently the Oakland County Commissioner-- see above), there is more to this story than simple indecency...

On the morning of April 18th, police respond to a complaint about two people getting randy against a wall near a strip of bars and restaurants in town. Upon arriving, the cops found Capello and a 37-year-old woman having sex in the middle of the sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by and presumably fleeing in horror. It should also be noted that Capello is Republican family man-- he has been married for 21 years to his law partner wife, with whom he shares an office, according to the local news. The couple also have three kids.

Strangely enough, the woman has not been charged with any crime, while her lover faces up to three months in jail when he appears in court next month.

Via ClickOnDetroit.

Related:

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Politician Probably Should've Taken Down Scandalous Facebook Profile First

AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

While You Were Sleeping: Mad Men Getting Fired Up

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:53:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering decriminalizing marijuana altogether in California, possibly for budgetary reasons.

One of my celebrity crushes, Bebe Neuwirth, is now married.

Dumber-than-that-Carolina-contestant Miss California is in danger of losing her crown... or so they say.

Mad Men is back in production, with I Shot Andy Warhol's Jared Harris joining the cast for next season.

Gisele Bundchen may be pregnant.

We hate to admit it, but we can't get enough of the President and Vice President doing silly shit like driving to Virginia to eat at a hamburger place with the word "Hell" in its name.

Up until last night, we were in New Orleans, where this man is suing the police for one dollar over his right to wear a skirt in public.

Another reason for 50 Cent to goof on him: Rick Ross keeps his sunglasses on during sex.

And Jennifer Hudson and Rihanna both canceled shows.

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Top 5 Charlize Theron Sex Scenes

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Lily Allen Swears off Sex, Won't Stop Teasing Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Look, we have no problem if celebrities like Lily Allen want to beg off sex for a while-- hell, at least until we come along. If they're going to do that, we just wish they-- meaning Lily specifically-- would stop showing off ~~their~~ her boobs...

Lily Allen gave an interview, released yesterday, announcing she has decided to remain celibate... to improve her music.

Allen often uses her personal life as inspiration for her hits, but admits she is stuck in a creative rut.

Allen, who has previously dated Chemical Brothers star Ed Simons and art dealer Jay Jopling, is currently single but has decided she won't get involved with any more men, as a sex ban with help her focus on her songs.

According to the Sun, she says, "Sometimes it helps. It's good to get out of your comfort zone and test yourself. I'm just going to see how it goes for a bit. I haven't set a time limit or anything." [Ed. note: Our pick in the betting pool: two hours.]

The singer recently admitted she sometimes deliberately sabotages her relationships in a bid to improve her song-writing: "I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and I walk away. It's pretty mean - but it's true." [SF Gate]

That didn't stop her from stepping out (as they say in the British tabloids) of a London restaurant the other night in this seethrough dress. Lily Allen, please change your crappy music... but don't change your excellent fashion sense. Evidence here:

Related:

TSA Shows Some T&A

Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Sex is the Answer, Say Women in Kenya

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The answer to the question, that is, about what women should do to stop their men from fighting and killing each other. Didn't the Greeks try that once?

Seriously, we have a term in America for guys involved with women who are withholding sex. They're called "married men."

All kidding aside, this is a serious national news story in Kenya and has been picked up all over the world:

Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country's bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year.

Leaders from Kenya's largest and oldest group dedicated to women's rights, the Women's Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace.

Eleven women's groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.

We're guessing they responded by muttering to their aides: "I've been practicing celibacy with these douchebags for years." It could explain why everyone's so angry about everything-- let's slip all these leaders some ecstasy and put on Caligula, see how that plays out.

Sex strikes are rare worldwide. Many men in Kenya are polygamous, as is allowed by law.

Kenyan government spokesman Alfred Mutua said he was unaware of the strike.

The disputed election between Kibaki and then-challenger Odinga led to violence that killed more than 1,000 people and left more than 600,000 homeless. The two were installed after a month of mediation, but infighting has threatened to break apart the fragile coalition.

Can an all-Kenyan production of Lysistrata be too far behind? (Seriously now, we do hope their strike is successful and catches on worldwide, just not in our households.)

Via SFGate.

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

Related:

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

How to Write A Great Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

Suite101 is one of those websites that gets everyone to write for them for free and then tries to pay them for their large traffic contributions with royalties for miniscule ad sales. Fortunately, though, many of the writers rise above their position on the internet ladder and churn out excellent pieces.

One recent addition to the lineup is "How to Write A Sex Scene," and it's quite interesting...

Writer Nina Munteanu hits five keys points in her article and, curiously enough, they would all work as tips for having a better sex life:

Tie Scene to Emotion

Describe Indirectly

Savor the Lead In

Less Is More

Use Sensual Language

Be more emotionally invested in the sex itself, don't be so obvious about what you want so that it's more playful, savor the foreplay, don't over do it, and talk dirty if it sounds like it'll work. Yep, that pretty much covers it.

Read the full text of her points at Suite101. [We're having embedding problems, so make sure you right click and ask to open in a new tab/window.]

Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

MSNBC has a story this morning on a study of the happiest and unhappiest marriages in the United States. What's the secret? Great sex at 52? Living the high life in Brentwood, with gaggles of friends, cocktail parties, and sleek new cars?

Well, MSNBC isn't entirely sure. However, it reports on an eight-year-long study (you know, an actual study, not a telephone survey that will be disproven next week) of 218 married couples and charted their level of happiness over time. The results will come as no surprise to those pessimistic about the perks of bringing children into the world...

The main point uncovered by the study: 90% of couples reported a huge decline in marital satisfaction due to the presence of a child. This we already knew-- but that suspicion was mainly due to sex and the possible lack thereof after children enter into the picture. This study, however, notes an overall dissatisfaction with the marriage itself after the birth of a baby.

The professor of psychology at the University of Denver where the study originated added that other couples experience a decrease in satisfaction over time, but not nearly as rapidly as couples with children. And yes, we probably suspected as much already.

However:

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

The most interesting result we came across noted that those who said kids made their marriage stronger were making more money and had been married longer.

Via MSNBC.

Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:06:00 GMT

We hope this is real and not the viral marketing work of some jean company...

Sometimes the stories are too small for their own posts. Sometimes there are two many stories for one week, which is definitely the case here.

Today, we'll present: the Not Ready For Daytime Players... in This Week in Sex, featuring tales of football teams, Bollywood nudity, Melissa Joan Hart, Playboy, brothers, and... Susan Boyle?!

A minister in Florida (where else) is being investigated for possibly sexually assaulting members of a high school football team. The man allegedly promised his victims help in their athletic careers-- not sure how his religion fits into sports. Maybe he promised to rig the coin tosses?

Apparently, there will be full frontal male nudity in a Bollywood movie. (We can't confirm that this is actually the first legitimate male nude scene from that genre, but it sounds about right.)

Melissa Joan Hart says she never did Playboy because her Maxim cover caused her brother too much embarrassment.

The State of Nevada decided not to tax brothel sex, but not before this classic quote was delivered:

"I don't know why people won't recognize that we have a legal industry," state Sen. Bob Coffin, who introduced the legislation, told the Associated Press. "I'm willing to go in and do the dirty work if no one else will."

Thanks, Senator, but your sexpertise won't be required. Moving on...

Those scary-lookers had some of the loudest sex we've ever heard (of.)

In Indiana, two little girls walked in on group sex in the bathroom of their local people Taco Bell.

Unlike our cheerleading coach friend, this woman deserved get fired: a teacher was given the boot for taking a bunch of girls to a strip club. The biggest problem is that some of the girls were under 18 and could've been arrested.

And the new porn marketing gimmick is officially is to offer whomever dominates the news a role in adult film in exchange for a million dollars:

See what [Publicity-Hungry Production Assholes] did there? Set up an entire website for something that will never happen (much like the Octomom porn) and then sit back and watch the traffic skyrocket for a headline that reads "Susan Boyle Does a Porn (Maybe)." Chances are, Boyle will never even see this site, and has never been contacted by these people. But just associating their adult films with a recent phenomena is the oldest trick in the book. Although who would ever pay to see Boyle lose her virginity on camera is another story alltogether.

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Tropical Ants Have Completely Done Away With Men

You're "Doing It" Wrong: Health Website's Wrongheaded Sex Advice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:15:00 GMT

The Stanford University School of Medicine released a report today with shocking revelations about lies, fabrications, and downright stupidity on the internet.

Why is this different from everything else that's wrong with the internet? Because Stanford is blaming WebMD and other trusted medical websites for the backlash against Plan B, not to mention multiple other "mistakes" in the advice these sites cough up about sex...

Here are the most disturbing examples we picked up, quoted directly from a source at HealthNewsDigest, which covered the report:

sites often failed to say that minors can buy emergency contraception from authorized pharmacists in nine states
many sites did not correct the myth that emergency contraception causes an abortion
Sixty percent of the Web sites said the birth control pill causes weight gain, despite recent research showing modern oral contraceptives do not affect body weight
Only 19 percent of the Web sites made it clear that intrauterine devices are safe for adolescents to use.
only about half of the Web sites surveyed correctly stated that some STDs, such as herpes, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact or kissing
Forty percent of Web sites surveyed did not provide accurate information about when young women should receive their first Pap exam. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology updated its Pap exam recommendations in 2003 to state that women should receive their first exam three years after initiating sexual activity or at age 21; that is about three years later than the previous recommendations [“Extra Pap exams are an unnecessary stress and expense, and a barrier to getting birth control,” Yen said, since young women may forgo contacting a doctor for a contraceptive prescription if they mistakenly believe they must first get the exam.]

Researchers indicted that sites like Go Ask Alice, a product of Columbia University, are much more reliable. For example, here's their advice on giving a decent handjob, something we'll bet WebMD doesn't have the balls to pull. So, kids, if for some reason you're reading this after doing a Google search for "sex advice," go there first... and definitely don't read my posts. Sarcasm can be lost on those not "in the know..."

Via this link.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Married British Barrister Billed Client For Sex

Sloppy Seconds: What Do Sarah Palin And Tom Cruise Have In Common?

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:54:00 GMT

Laid-off bankers, waiters, bloggers, and other local degenerates are scouring Craig's List in search of Rent Money-- that down and dirty gig that will let them coast through this Great Depression in style.

The only thing they're finding are these ads from the sex industry, which itself is keeping Craig's List's sales department profitable...

Look good in latex? Join an extraordinary profession…

Reply to: job-tms4n-1099293875@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-30, 2:29PM EDT

We are seeking attractive, creative, college-aged females to join our team on NYCs most exclusive fetish and BDSM websites as webcam performance artists. This is a great opportunity for people who want to learn more about fetish and BDSM lifestyles. We do our best create a collaborative and educational environment where expressive and creative people can flourish. As a web cam dominatrix you will have potential to earn up to $90 an hour in a safe, clean and inspiring environment. Under some conditions we can offer a base pay to make sure you make money even if you don’t land any web cam sessions. If you think you have what it takes to be an online dominatrix and want to explore your wild side please contact us to set up an interview....

No sex or contact (everything is done online) and nudity not required but you should have an interest in S&M and be comfortable with your body. ...you can work from home or we can provide you space. No experience necessary -- we will handle training. Please reply via email with a brief introduction regarding your interests phone number and a photo....

Yes, we see these all the time-- but they're not usually the majority of the ads on Craig's List. (That would be sneaky posts by the Air National Guard.)

Male female models for Indian boutique - (Midtown West)
NBC/Casting-Looking 4 FUN NY,NJ, families w/kids-FREE TRIP/HUGE PRIZE - (Greater NY,NJ,Conn, Philly Area)
Bikini Babe Wanted to be Next Online Viral Star!! -
ADULT RETAIL STORE - (CONNECTICUT)
Wallpaper Magazine - Editorial/Art Project Seeks Interesting Subjects -
Looking for creative confident women - (Manhattan)
Make $5,000/mo ANONYMOUSLY in adult industry sales - (Midtown)

And that's just New York.

DANCERS / WAITRESSES -
Sell adult ent. on the Net! ---- 8 000/month -
DANCERS WANTED- ADULT ENT INDUSTRY -

Phone Girls Wanted-Adult Ent. -
Freelance Blogger - (Las Vegas)

If you land one of these jobs, we want our 10%-- Vegas Mafia-style. Hey, we need the money as much as the rest of ya's...

Related:

Is Our Children Learning About Internet Porn?

13-Year-Old Boy Watched That Paris Hilton Video Too Many Times

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Worse than Celibacy, Death, or Sex with Zach Braff?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:29:00 GMT

The top story on MSNBC right now: "US Home Prices Slide By 19%, Sharpest Decline on Record." The most-read story, though: "11 Baffling Medical Conditions," which the page on Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome leading the charge.

Before you get all excited about catching this illness, wait till you read about the symptoms...

While PSAS sounds like it could revive a floundering sex life, it's more likely to drive you batty first.

However, for the women who experience PSAS -- which causes them to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm -- the condition is a nightmarish curse. And up until 2001, it was a curse that didn't even have a name.

Relief from the condition is often as elusive as sympathy. The sensations, which are not brought about by fantasies or other sexual thoughts, are often only partially relieved through orgasm. For some women, even sex does not help quell their arousal, and on occasion can even make the sensations worse.

"To me this is a sickness," [Heather] Dearmon [a 34-year-old South Carolina woman] said. "This is not, it's not something we've chosen. ... I would rather never have another orgasm in my life for the rest of my life than to have this problem." [MSNBC]

Since so few women are willing to come forward, research and progress on developing a cure has never really gone anywhere. You have to wonder how many women are out there, perpetually on the brink of orgasm, and suffering quietly through work, carpools, drinks with friends, and so on...

Photo via Babble. By the way, we chose that photo because it was the first one that came up in Google Image when we searched for "persistent sexual arousal syndrome."

How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

I Need Whiskey Flavored Condoms Like I Need a Hole in My Head

Meet the Orgasm Coach

Bai Ling Trying To Make Mickey Rourke Regret Dumping Her

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:12:00 GMT

Today's Gawker and an edition of the New York Post are excited to report on superstar genius man-actor Mickey Rourke's revived love life. First, they point out, Mickey fended off Bai Ling, going stag to the Oscars, and now faces rumors that a Russian model is trying to use him for fame.

Both sources claim an unnamed "pop star/model" is leaking gossip to Russia's tabloids about her plans to marry the actor. Yeah, and I'd like to announce my engagement to Anne Hathaway, while we're at it.

Meanwhile, Bai Ling is doing some leaking of her own-- namely, these nude photos-- in an attempt to rebound from Rourke.

And the classics that captured his imagination in the first place...

Click the photos for the larger image.

Related:

Caption This: Perv Photogs And Bai Ling's Nipple Slip

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Caption This: Agyness Deyn And Her Friend's See-Through

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

Related:

PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Zac Efron Mud Wrestles A Nude Model

Fox News Enjoys Your Big Butt

Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Sex is the New Airborne

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

How bizarre is it that Fox News has become our go-to source for information on medical breakthroughs involving sex? Oddly enough, the famous conservative news source was the first outlet to tell us about a new study (ah, yes, one of those) showing all the many wonderful things sex does for the body. Some of them may actually surprise you-- and just because this is Fox we're talking about here.

Fox took their info from The Daily Mail, while we, in turn, mercifully condensed the epic story down to the most useful quotes. The article spotlights doctors at Nottingham University who want you all to have sex for the good of your health. And not the usual, "It clears the sinuses, you'll lose weight!" obviousness we've been digesting for decades. Among the benefits mentioned:

...increasing longevity to reducing the risk of erectile dysfunction and even heart attack...

Well, yes, one would think successfully completing intercourse decreases the risk of erectile dysfunction, but we see the point:

[M]en who kept up a regular sex life in their 50s were also at lower risk of developing prostate cancer
American research found that menopausal women who had sex every week had estrogen levels twice as high as their abstaining counterparts.

'This may provide some protection against male osteoporosis.'
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu.
One of the largest studies on longevity and sex - conducted on Welsh men - found that those who had sex less than once a month had double the risk of dying prematurely than those who had sex twice a week.

There's bad news for us twenty- and thirtysomething sex fiends:

(Conversely, they found 'too much' sexual activity - more than 20 times a month - in the 20s and 30s could increase the risk.)

Guess we won't be getting laid tonight... not that we were planning on it anyway.

Via the Daily Mail.

Diddy Tweets His Tantric Sex Sesh

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:58:00 GMT

Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies.

Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...

1) Via the good neighbors at ABC:

Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't, according to Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz.
It's interesting information for a species that thrives on sex.
"Humans maybe are the most sexual species of all," Roizen, an anesthesiologist and internal medicine specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, said on "Good Morning America" today.
He said researchers know this because women are sexually active for almost their entire lives and throughout all times of their menstrual cycle, meaning that they choose to have sex even during times when they are physiologically unable to produce offspring, he added.

Startling. Women are sexually active for almost their entire lives. You heard it here first, people.

Great sex can make your body feel two to eight years younger for women and the same is true for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year.
But the benefits don't stop there. Increasing sex from once a month to once a week is the happiness equivalent of an additional $50,000 in income for the typical American, Oz said on "GMA" today.

Yes, but most men would give up $50,000 of their income for sex with someone, anyone, once a week. If you think we're kidding, you obviously didn't hear about the two women selling their virginity for millions of dollars.

2) USA Today one-ups this report with one on statin-based drugs, which lower your cholesterol.

The greater the drop in cholesterol from taking statin drugs, the more sexual pleasure is reduced, suggests a study due Friday at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Chicago.

This may be the first research to pit statins against placebos to see how the blockbuster statins affect the ability to have orgasms. Statins generated about $13.1 billion in sales last year, according to IMS Health.

So, you'll have to weigh how much you want your cholesterol to drop versus how much you want enjoy sex? That's harsh.

Good news, though: if you stop-taking these life-saving drugs, your sex life will likely improve. The bad news is... something.

Via ABC and USA Today.

Related:

Hey Ladies: That Pesky Period May Help Prevent Parkinson's

Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

Meet the Crazy Dog Lady

Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:27:00 GMT

The preponderance of repetitive and redundant* websites dedicated to the art of telling other people how to do seemingly simple tasks has been disturbing us for some time.

But then someone pointed out eHow's section on having sex and we had to wonder, "Is eHow trying to get eight-year-olds laid?" Because that's about the only age group that could benefit from Captain Obvious's "How to..."

For example, take a look at the rundown for "How to Take Off her Clothes With Your Teeth." It's not: "1, Open mouth; 2, Bite down on clothes; 3, Pull," but close:

Assess the situation. Are the clothes too troublesome to take off with your teeth or are they just right for your "dental digits?" Buttons are usually difficult to remove unless you are really good at this.
Study the clothes she is wearing. Removing clothes with your teeth is very much the same as removing them with your hands, except that your hands are tied behind your back.

Develop a plan. She will find it cute that you are serious about completing your mission.

Take extra care. Tearing her clothing with your teeth is a major turn-off. If it is soft and delicate, then there is a chance that you might rip it.

Don't take too long. If she is truly turned on, then she will not really care that much how you finish taking her clothes off.

And that's one of the more "interesting" and "educational" entries. Here's our favorite: How to Have Sex With the Woman on Top:

1. Get naked with your partner and find a flat, comfortable surface--a nice, soft bed is preferable.
2. The man should lie on his back while the woman gets on her knees and straddles him. She should face the man to make it easy for kissing and caressing.
3. Slide the penis into the vagina. The woman can now move up and down, side to side, or however she wants. She controls the speed and depth of the intercourse.

Slide the penis into the vagina. How is this helpful at all? Why didn't they just say, "lower the naked vagina onto the naked penis, thrust," the end? Has anyone ever found one of these instructional websites to be useful in any capacity? And do they pay? Because, clearly, that would be an easy living.

*In the sense that since there are already so many of them, we don't need any more.

Related:

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:26:00 GMT

We were rather disturbed by how many of you claimed to be in a sexless marriage after Scanner Emily's post yesterday.

Moreover, we were worried you all are going to end up miserable and/or divorced, if this survey conducted by a U.K. wedding site is to be believed...

3,000 Britons were queried about surviving a marriage, and those who have lasted ten or more years responded with these tips:

Having sex three times a week;

Kissing four times a day;

Cuddling thrice on a daily basis;

Sharing two hobbies, and;

Holding two romantic dinners a month.

Having sex three times a week doesn't seem totally unreasonable and neither does kissing four times a day. But how many chances are you really going to have to cuddle? (When you first wake up, on the couch after dinner, and before bed can work, in our view.) But Jesus, isn't it hard to find someone to fall in love with who is interesting enough to have two hobbies you also enjoy, has time for two romantic dinners per month after many years together, will remember to kiss you four times a day, and can arrange for three separate cuddles in a 24-hour span... not tomention sex every other night?

Not saying we're against it or that it's impossible, but now we're beginning to understand why so many marriages end in divorce.

CBC via Confetti.

14-Year-Old Divorcee Officially Back on the Market

Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Ask a Porn Star a Bunch of Weird Sex Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:38:00 GMT

Are you guys fans of "Ask a Porn Star," the mainstray of the San Francisco Bay Guardian's blog? Sex SF, the sex-positive web corner for the Guardian, has been running these strange interviews for ages, but we've ignored the majority of them until now.

This week, blogger and promising young porn star Stephen Boyer answers your our the interviewer's burning questions about Viagra, boring porn sex, trannies, and getting a foot shoved up your bum...

I tried to do a scene with a trans-woman once and she couldn’t get it up. Then she started to complain that she was sick. After that, she started having all of these negative body issues and eventually broke into tears. A few minutes later, she was saying she wanted to leave the porn world once and for all.
One of the boys had just turned 18 and had recently run away from home because his parents were really conservative. He was struggling to pay rent so he got into porn. The “Survivor” thing was his first shoot and the director wanted him to bottom, but not just for anyone; the director specifically made him bottom for a guy with a 12-inch dick that was also really thick. When the boy’s scene finally came up, everyone was watching because no one believed he could take it. But he did.

We've spared you the next sentence, which involves a serious amount of blood and other gross descriptions. Here are a few other highlights from the life of the budding adult film star:

I have used Viagra before but it isn’t something I practice and do regularly because I don’t need it.
[Does his butthole return to normal after having a foot inside it?] For the most part, yes, it does. But I don’t have anal sex that much, especially after a rigorous scene like that. The first hour or two after the scene, I felt like I couldn’t hold my stomach in, but after a good night’s sleep everything began to close back up. Now, it’s like, I shart but not any more than a normal person. Sharting is still a rare occurrence in my life, if that’s what you’re wondering.

We weren't, but if you're intrigued, you can read the rest of this unusual interview here.

Related:

From the Annals of Boobs...

"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

X-Rated Industry Can't Keep it Up

Women vs. Sexy Sex Ads

Whoops-- Maybe The Sex Patch Isn't The Greatest Thing Since Sex Itself...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Procter & Gamble's much-publicized Intrinsa sex patch was rejected by the Food & Drug Administration five years ago for several reasons.

The fact that a sexual device was not approved by the American government should come as no surprise, but perhaps the Brits should have taken note of the FDA's reasoning.

Intrinsa, a testosterone patch for postmenopausal women, is designed to combat sexual dysfunction and has been available in Europe for several years, according to Reuters. But until now, there was little sign of danger. Minor side effects had been reported and the most serious concern we'd heard is that Instrinsa was failing to provide any sort of positive effect-- sort of like your average Viagra knockoff available for $12 per 100mg's on the internet.

Recently, The Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin reported on these recent studies and found that "the long term safety of the treatment is unknown. Unwanted side effects are common and not always reversible. For all these reasons, we cannot recommend Intrinsa for use in women with sexual dysfunction."

Guess we're back to the drawing board on solving female sexual dysfunction... although the jury's still out on whether Cialis or Viagra are living up to their hype at the other end of the spectrum...

Photo via this link.

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

New Lady Gel is Going to Make Your Mom Feel Funny "Down There"

Hero Of The Day: Woman Who Reversed Her Menopause

Name That Politician: "A really strong body..."

How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We have to confess, there have been times when our female partner is having an orgasm that we raise an eyebrow and all but blurt aloud, "You expect me to believe that? That's the pillow case touching you down there!" Or something like that.

Anyway, one woman has finally come forwarded with the information we've been waiting for: a list of signs to watch for if you suspect your partner of faking it when doing it...

Are her lips red?
When women climax, their lips (both sets, but most noticeably her facial ones) turn a little bit redder and slightly swell.

Has her breathing and heart race increased?
While it's easy to fake moaning and groaning, it's harder to fake physiological symptoms. During orgasm, her breathing should sound faster -- almost slightly erratic -- and her pulse should quicken.

Is there an increase in lubrication?
You shouldn't have to reach for the KY, her juices should be flowing freely at this point.

Does her vagina feel tighter?
During orgasm, women experience pelvic muscle spasms and vaginal contractions.

Did her nipples harden?
Almost all women (around 95 percent) have hard nipples during climax.

Can she hold a conversation?
If she is truly having an orgasm, aside from the occasional "Ohmygod" or animal-like grunt, she shouldn't be able to say much. If she's talking in complete sentences, chances are she's not coming.

Is she smiling?
OK, while this reaction isn't guaranteed, most women reactively smile after achieving The Big O. We feel relaxed and satisfied, so really, what's not to smile about?

The only problem with this post is the author's assumption that fakers are only doing it out of genuine love for their partners:

Here's the thing Bros: women will not fake it for just anyone. If we did not care about you, we would not waste the time or energy. If we did not want a repeat performance, we would not stroke your ego and let you think that your maneuvers left us trembling. Because honestly, if I really didn't care about you, I'd say, "This isn't working for me" and draw you a diagram of the female clitoris.

By a show of hands, how many of our readers are fakers? That is, you fake it on a regular basis... for those of you without anonymous logins, how about you tell us a story about your "friend..."

Via the BroBible.

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Florida Pastor Wants Us to Have Sex!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

This guy is a Pastor and he believes people should have sex-- and not the unprotected, married kind of sex that may result in 14 babies. The other kind-- the kind that people actually want to have!

"You tend to hear about the 'Thou shalt nots,' " Underwood said. "We want to talk about the 'Thou shalts.'"

In a story in today's Palm Beach Post, Pastor Ray Underwood explains why he's chosen to feature sex advice in his Sunday sermons for the past several weeks (and through March 1st.) Among the choice excerpts:

"I think we should be more aggressive and upfront about talking about critical issues in people's lives. In the past, I think we were embarrassed and unsure about ourselves."
Underwood gave his first sermon, "Hot Monogamy," a PG-11 rating and suggested that parents take kids under that age to the child care center. A video projected on the church's big screen said, "so ... sex in church? Are we really going to talk about this? We need to." Though it could be kind of weird, the video warned — "like seeing a nude scene with your parents."
"We try to stay real, but this is a little more on the edge," he said. "Hopefully we won't fall off a cliff."

We personally hope you succeed, Pastor Ray, for if there's one thing religion needs, it's more sex. No, seriously-- perhaps if people were happier about their love lives, they'd leave the gays, Democrats, and other religions in peace.

And if anyone's going to make that happen, it's this guy:

Underwood often preaches in jeans, and the church's services feature video, drums and electric guitar. Though the church's style is edgy, he said, its message is more conservative.

Via the Palm Beach Post.

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Colorado Kids Want to Write About Sex and No One Can Stop Them

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Because of a much-discussed state law, administrative advisers for Colorado's school newspapers are only allowed to offer suggestions and guide staffers along, while the kids make the final decisions.

This may be why the state's Arapahoe High School was able to publish an edition of their paper devoted to teen relationships, i.e. promiscuous sex...

According a local NBC news affiliate, the most recent issue of the Arapahoe Herald was devoted to the subject:

"Player spills inside details," features the sexual escapades of a male student.

"I constantly [get sex] even though I have a girlfriend," said the boy who assumed the fictitious name of Trey Costanda. He is also quoted saying, "The easiest way to get girls is to get them drunk, but that's not right."

"First of all, why would you print that in the school newspaper?" 18-year-old senior Jeff Malaterre asked. "Parents could get upset at the school for publishing something like that."

The other controversial profile in the article featured the story of an openly promiscuous girl, who assumed the fictitious name of Marie Cullen.

"You have to give boys what they want," she said in the article, "My main weapons are my [breasts]."

Cullen also talks about having eight sexual partners and details her first sexual experience.

Cullen... Cullen? From where could this young lady have lifted her moniker? Hmmm...

Seriously, could it be that the abstinence theme of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books has, like all abstinence "programs" and general grandstanding, backfired and turned teens into irresponsible sexual, well, vampires?

Via 9News.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Sexist Sex and the City Ripoff... With A Terrible Twist

No Foreplay For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Just in time for Valentine's Day: a new "study" we'll all agree to hate, saying foreplay is completely unnecessary, validating horndogs everywhere...

The findings appear in this week's issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. (Wait, there's a Journal of Sexual Medicine? Why hasn't anyone sent us a subscription?) The article starts out by saying that therapists have been telling dudes for years that they need to warm their ladies up before things really get going. As lazy, selfish men have tried to tell everyone for years, this advice turns out to be irrelevant:

Turns out, [says the study of 2360 Czech women], sex time was correlated with orgasm consistency, but foreplay time was not. The results held even after excluding women who said they were with literal minutemen (these guys may have had problems with premature ejaculation.)

Among all the women, the average reported foreplay duration was 15.4 minutes, and the average intercourse duration 16.2 minutes, significantly higher than has been reported in American samples. The authors write: "It could be that this reflects, on average, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans." Oh? Is that why Europe is the only continent with a population drop from 2000 to 2005? [Psychology Today]

Hey, leave the jokes to us, Psychology Today... not that we can come up with a comeback or anything...

Of the women who report average intercourse length of 1 to 10 minutes, 50% had an orgasm most of the time and 28% had them in a minority of cases or never. For women who report 11 to 20 minutes, the numbers are 62% and 22%, and for the women who boink more than 20 minutes they're 72% and 13%. On word of this research, I would not buy stock in Trojan Ultra Thins.

Oh. Snap. By the way, you can read more of this at Psychology Today, via Gawker.

Related:

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes

O Face: The National Anthem

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:46:00 GMT

Unfortunately, she did not offer to come to our house for a champagne-soaked threesome, but burlesque babe Ava Garter (yuk yuk yuk) proposed the next best thing: some fashion tips to rock your Valentine's Day this year.

For a change, they're actually quite good. Usually, the best V-Day advice is something akin to "stay in, get liquored up, dim the lights, break out the massage oil, and get down to business." But as she tells the Los Angeles Times, Garter has better ideas for this Saturday night.

Here are our favorite excerpts from the interview:

[On wearing that black dress you have hidden away:] A black dress should have a back or side zipper; you wouldn't want to get into a seduction scene and tug it over your head.

It's always very sexy to go with a pretty black bra, black garter belt, black panties with a bow and a nude sheer stocking. Black is slimming, and a nude stocking makes your legs look much longer.

For the bedroom, you can use a pair of black gloves as a tool for seduction that's very cheap -- remove them very slowly, one at a time, and take as long as you like.

If you're having dinner with your boyfriend or husband for Valentine's Day, touch up your lipstick very slowly in front of him and let him watch. Eyelashes are a fetish for me.
Pasta is inexpensive, easy and really romantic [for a perfect night in.]
One of the best gifts you can give a man is the gift of you, sharing time together and letting him off the hook for buying you something--

All right, that's enough. Don't get all sappy on us, Ava...

More with Ava Garter via the LA Times.

Related:

Dita's New Nude Revue

Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Sip in Style in San Francisco

Kim Cattrall: The Magically Naked 52-Year-Old Woman

Ron Jeremy On Sex, His Grandma, and Why Porn Was Better in the 80s

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Ron Jeremy may have officially passed John Holmes as the greatest and most famous male porn star in history. If Time Magazine is catching on to the cultural phenomenon that is hipster Ron J worship, then maybe it's time to crown him...

Here are excerpts from the epic and exciting tale of one Ron Hyatt, some waiter dude from Queens who worked in the Catskills and has always had the world's worst mustache. Apparently, he has been in an adult film or two, and got his start by taking daguerreotypes of his wang and sending them to Playgirl by intercontinental pony express, which may have been illegal.

[When] people looked up R. Hyatt in Queens... they were getting my grandmother, Rose Hyatt, who lived downstairs. My poor grandmother was being woken up night and day, mostly by guys. Playgirl likes to think that their audience is mostly women, but no, no, the majority is gay. My poor grandma had to move.
I wasn't getting the liftoff as quickly as they did. It was embarrassing. It's funny because now, years later when I am not taking Viagra and the other guy does, I am still slow to the punch.
We were up in the Catskills, and I had a very good sex life, to the point where when I was once late to dinner and told the maitre d' I was with a girl. He said, and I remember his exact words, "Anybody else I would forgive but with you it's like brushing your teeth. You're late; you're being docked pay."
I just loved acting, doing dialogue. All my friends were still doing theater off-off-Broadway and I was doing film. Yes it's porn, but it still goes into theaters. They still had acting back then. They had big scripts. There were no videos back then, no DVDs, no Internet. I came at a time they called the Golden '80s.
Most of them had been to college. Some have come from broken homes, some from abusive homes. What I tell kids when I lecture in colleges is that porn is largely a microcosm of Hollywood itself. There were kids who wanted to do something goofy and crazy. Some were actors who wanted to go for an acting career, like me, and settled for this...
I just did [a porno] a few days ago, a benefit for a great New York director who has serious colon cancer. We all did a free porn film. I did a sex thing with a sweet girl named Candy, she's actually here because we did a scene and she is staying over. (Giggling in the background.)

Here's the rest.

Related:

Porn Star For Senate

Krasinski and Fischer Sadly Opted Out of "The Office" Porn

In the Blink of a Young Girl's Eye: The Glory Days of Porn Posters

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

I Feel Bad About Your Chin, Meg Ryan

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:52:00 GMT

A new study indicates women who have stronger chins are more likely to cheat.

Dennis Quaid saw this photo of Meg Ryan and proclaimed, "I should have known..."

According to psychologists at Western Ontario University, women with "larger" chins, like former A-list star Meg Ryan can mean more testosterone:

Larger chins on women are often caused by a high level of the male growth hormone testosterone, present in all women in various amounts.

The hormone also increases sexual assertiveness in a woman, a tendency more commonly attributed to males.

The researchers, from four universities across the US and Canada, took a group of young women and questioned them on their sexual histories and fantasies.

These women were then rated by a group of men on their desirability as a life partner.
It was concluded that men will shun women with such masculine features when looking for a long-term partner because they fear being cuckolded.

Psychologists believe it is linked to their evolutionary desire to have a partner who will produce children for only one man.

We're not sure why being more sexually assertive means you're more likely to cheat on your husband with dopey ol' Russell Crowe, but whatever.

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

Photo Essay: Revenge of the Cheated

Wife Catch You Online Dating? Try Ashley Madison

Girl Claims to Have Slept With 200+ Strangers, Thanks to Craig's List

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:05:00 GMT

We say: "Is that all?" Just kidding-- we don't sleep with strangers, as a rule, so this specie is baffling to us.

“I can’t explain the buzz I get from meeting someone for the first time and knowing that in a couple of hours we’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s addictive."

Yes, it's called sex addiction. You have it, Bill Clinton has it, pretty much everyone we know has it. That doesn't mean you're an awful person, however.

“A lot of women may call me a slag, but I’m not. The sex is on my terms — I call the shots.”

Well, it's refreshing to hear that you're in control, but calling the shots has nothing to do with why they're calling you "a slag."

The 25-year-old bar manager is hooked on net sex and has slept with 200 online date mates.
On average, she beds a different man every FIVE DAYS. She’s even had sex with THREE of them in ONE DAY.

Calm down, News of the World-- you Puritan pigs. We've never seen you run a story about a guy having sex with 200 women and calling him a sleazebag-- and if you did, we'd call you on your moral grandstanding for that, too...

“My friends will meet guys in clubs and take them home,” she argues. “That’s more risky than what I do because I can check mine out before we meet.
“I’ll always insist on safe sex and carry condoms. If the guy complains, I won’t meet him.”

Ah, finally, some sanity.

“I hear pals moan about their partners and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with snoring, pants lying around or getting dinner ready.
“When I have a date, I put on sexy undies, drink wine with a gorgeous guy who takes me home and ravishes me.
“I’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.”

Read more about 25-year-old bar manager "Louise's" sexploits on News of the World.

Related:

Nude American Apparel Ads Aren't Going Away

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful

10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant.

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor.

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

Related: