Scanner : sex lives

We Repeat: Smart Women Have Better Sex

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 19:06:00 GMT

We seem to recall a study like this popping up about a year ago, but we're happy to repeat it: intelligent women have better sex.

Apparently, women who have high levels of "emotional intelligence," or the ability to express their own feelings and read others', have more fulfilling sex lives.

[Researcher Tim Spector, of King's College London] quizzed more than 2,000 female twins, aged between 18 and 83, about their sex lives.

The women were asked to rate their ability to reach orgasm on a seven-point scale, ranging from 'never' to always'.

They also filled in a questionnaire designed to gauge their emotional intelligence and covering traits like self-expression, empathy and contentment.

Those most in touch with their feelings also had the most orgasms, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reports.

Lead author, psychologist Andrea Burri, also of King's College, said: 'Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women's sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner.'

Perhaps this is also because we know that it is not hellfire that makes us burn in between our legs?

[Daily Mail: Bad luck bimbos: Intelligent women have better sex, study reveals]

Related:

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Male Australian Writer Believes Most Women Are Socially Inept, Crass, Not Bangable

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

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Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Another South by Southwest Interactive talk on sex, another live blog from Scanner Emily. I'm still getting used to love bloging so try to bear with me. This one will be good: sexual exploitation with blogger Violet Blue. From the description:

Sexual exploitation and sexual expression are inherent in everyone's online experiences, whether intentional or not. Bloggers, community site users, community managers, web celebs -- everyone will eventually face a sexuality-related crisis where knowing the difference, and how to protect yourself is crucial. From the personal to the professional, we will demonstrate and discuss instances, legal realities and tactics for survival and success. We'll also cover the import and impact of the Lori Drew/MySpace Suicide trial (where Drew was convicted of a federal misdemeanor for violating MySpace's terms of service in order to bully a teenager), Missouri and California's new cyberbullying laws -- and how it all applies to sexual expression and sexual attacks for individuals and social network websites.

6 PM EST
Violet Blue needs no introduction. Asks if anyone knows anoyone who's been stalked or harassed on line or in person.

How do people express themselves sexually online? ? Sex blogging. Personal ads. Creating a dating profile. Taking provocative self portraits. Using a sexy image on a social networking site. Looking for hook ups in chat room. Twittering sexy things. All intentional self expression. Two of her friends twittered a silmultaneous orgasm, in all caps.

Unintentional: Other people putting things about you in a sexual context online? Pictures? Tweets? Blog posts? Wow. Huge foot fetish groups on flickr? Your feet might appear there and you have no control.

VB says clicking a gender box (say in Facebook) it makes you a target for a certain kind of attention. Once you say you're a woman (or man) you get SPAM. True that. You get unintentionally sexualized doing just about anything. VB points out it depends on context.

6:04
She asked what does sexual harassment look like? I brought up that I hate it when men tell me to smile. A man says he tells people to smille all the time. He doesn't think of it the way I do. He's from the south.

6:06
VB asks what it looks like online? Comments on photos. People asking inappropriate questions about your sex life online. "We hate..." Facebook groups. Trolls. Comments positive or negative can be unintentional sexualization, one man says. Say: a woman posts about tech or politics and gets comments on how beautiful she is.

6:10
Idea of anonymous blogging comes up again. I really am going to have to write at length on this.

6:13
Lots of "punishing" happens online when relationships go sour. Terrorizing people.

6:13
VB consulted a HR expert to see if she could apply what sexual harassment looks like at work to what it looks like online. What structures are in place to make sure these things don't happen online?

6:16
Online and offline. Both bleed into real life. Points out "Jefferson" a sex blogger in New York who was married, openly bi, very active in the queer community. They had two kids, got divorced and as a new divorcee started blogging about his life. Wanted to interweave it all. Old sex life, new sex life, being a dad. Blogged about everything. The ex wife found it, put pieces together and decided she was going to use it against him in court to sue for full custody of their children. Him being seen as a bi male and a "dirty sex blogger" is turning him into a sexual minority in this case. Conservative judges. It's working. He's forced into therapy, sreening. All to see if he's fit to raise his children.

6:18
Guy asks, what's the moral of that story. VB says intentional online sexual exporation being used to get back at/ get at people. Man (co-moderato) points out in general sexual exploitation online is being used to hurt people.

6:19
VB brings up the Megan Meyers (sp?) case. The Missouri girl who killed herself after the mother of another young girl harassed her online. Local prosecuters tried to find a way to punish the mom, but no laws fit because it was indirect from the Internet. (Same thing came up at anonymous blogging conversation Saturday: there's no regulation online, so there are not really any laws.) Prosecutor find a way to prove she violated hacking laws using fake name when signing up for MySpace. It was a violation of the TOS.

6:24
VB telling personal story of transgendered friend who had one identity online one in the real world (as a teenager). Happens a lot with MySpace, I think. Co-moderater says no regulation works because it's a safe space for teens to do things like come out, but the no regulation also makes it a dangerous space.

6:26
Guy in argyle points out people will say worse things when they can hide behind fake/no identity. Same reason I think anonymous blogging is a bad thing (mostly). Woman asks what if it's an actual boy who was flirting with her then turned her down, would Megan still have killed herself? So now we blame social media? Man notes had the mother sent paper notes through the USPS would the prosecution have been the same?

6:30
Woman points out for teens, social networking is the only way they really communicate. For adults it's something to play with. Previous woman says: is this a good reason for parents to monitor what the kids do on social networking. I pointed out that because parents don't know the internet, how can they talk to their kids about staying safe on the internet? Another woman pointed out: AND what if they don't know how to talk to their kids about sex? A man thinks it will get better as time goes on. I agree. After the first generation of Internet kids (I guess mine?) start having kids, they should hopefully be able to talk to them about safety/sexuality on the Internet.

6:32
VB points out laws are not catching up with what's happening with technology. Uses Twitter as an example. No policy for stalking, harassing, sexual attacks. Woman had a stalker, would leave terrible Tweets, but then would delete them (even though they still show up in RSS). Co-mod says Twitter's TOS say no user can harass another online, but Twitter decided not to help this woman because there was no definition for a situation like this. WTF?

6:36
VB asks, when you come under attack sexually, what is your goal? How do you handle it? Can you remove yourself from it? Is there recourse? Do you have a hard time talking about it if it's a "sex thing?" What if some of it is true? "Remember that a lot of what's going on with the attack is you at the computer.... remove yourself from the situation and look at it objectively."

6:39
"One thing you can choose to do is ignore it." Determine the threat level. Will it hurt you in real life or is your harasser trying to get a rise out of you. She tells a personal story about her "trolls," ones who edited her wikipedia page and added untrue facts. (This is being recorded, by the way. Will try to get a link.)

6:45
VB points out that Hearts (publishes the Chronicle, where she has her column) is very complicated, and conservative. Some there stand behind her "1,000%" and try to keep her safe from "trolls."

6:47
Her ideas to fix it (if the first doesn't fix it go to the next):

1. ignore
2. report
3. record (everything! take screen caps so you have it even if your "troll" deletes the harassing words/pictures/etc.. VB publishes her death threats on her website with full headers. ballsy, but nice.. one woman asks if that puts her at fault if a fan were to do something to that person... good question)
4. strike back? (on her list, we haven't discussed it yet.. probably publishing threatening emails with headers, it's recording and striking back)
5. get help?
6. protect yourself

6:56
Another woman suggests getting social support (could fall under #5: get help) even if it's just friends, other bloggers, etc.

6:59
How do you protect yourself? VB points out there really is no such thing as 'unpublish.' Whatever is out there will end up archived somewhere. Even if something goes up for just a second, you can never take it back. VB says: If you have something sexually to hide, if you feel like someone is going to out you over, the best course of action is to out yourself first because then you have control over the situation.

7:01
VB talks about a lover she had who didn't want to be outed. Then she got an email from Gawker. Decided to out herself first "in a polite, objective contex" in hopes of not harming her lover, Xeni (from BoingBoing, who is apparently pronounced "Jenny," I did not know this). Valleywag was all over it.

7:05
Discussion still going but I have to run to a food blogger party. Hopefully there will be a link to the audio online soon!

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Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

After three days of trying, I finally made it to South by Southwest Interactive. While I'm here I get to sit in on some great panels and discussions about geeks, love and geek love. On today's schedule a conversation about the sex lives of the microfamous (think Julia Allison... who is here, I wonder if she'll make an appearance). I've been Twittering most of my adventures and misadventures in Austin, but I figure this one is worth live blogging. From the description:

What kind of person talks about their sex and dating life on the internet? Someone desperate for attention? Or someone who already has lots of it? For the microfamous, having a relationship in public is as much a potential career boost as it as a vulnerability.

So far, in these discussions I've felt like it's been me against the room (including one where people thought bloggers have every right to be anonymous). For this one I'll talk less and blog more, but I must apologize in advance: our painfully slow server can take up to fifteen minutes to update, so until the end of the discussion, the posts will be sporadic at best.

4:30 EST
Nick Douglass (moderator and director of BuzzFeed) introducing himself. People who never thought they'd be blogging their personal lives were sharing lots of personal details on Facebook and Twitter, moving away from live blog.

Talk about how people deal with having relationships and a sex life when everyone can see a running feed of what you're doing. How do people handle seeing your relationships play out in real time.

4:35
First topic open to the room: talking about pictures with other people. When they show up on Flickr or Facebook, do people ask you about it? Who were you with?

4:36
Melissa Gira Grant (co-moderator, Nick's girlfriend, apparently) "refreshing the page is not going to give me any answers." Pick up the phone.

4:38
How many people have unfriended an ex? I told my story! I deleted my ex from all of my social networking lists, and rejected his friend request a year later. I'm not the only one.

4:48
As a blogger, or public person, do you talk to the person you're seeing or about to see about how much of your personal live(s) will end up on the blog? For me (Scanner Emily) it's hard, but I try only to mention antecdotes in passing if they relate to a story I'm writing (e.g. I once dated a guy who wouldn't go down on me, blah, blah).

4:43
Author of The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild, Not Away talking about her personal experience, being transparent about a few things, not all.

4:45
Nick says bloggers (even Gawker) might not always be so cruel to the Microfamous, but the commenters are. (So are some of you Scanner commenters!)

4:46
Man points out more revelation done in the comments than on the actual websites.

4:47
Melissa says she made a vow to not look at comments for the first two weeks when she started writing at Valleywag. I (Scanner Emily) almost cried the first few weeks I was at Scanner. Man, you guys hated me! She points out that as a woman writing about sex, people will sexualize her. Also, I'm confused. She talked about coming out, being queer, but I thought she was with Nick. Maybe not?

4:50
Woman says if you put yourself in public, that's the rules of the game. People will comment and say mean things. There's nothing you can do. Melissa says there is: call them on it. Another woman asks if writers/bloggers have a tendency to write about their relationships and people they interact with. (Yes, we do. Though some of us try to be discreet.) She points out that because of Google she feels blocked. She has a No-Google policy when she first starts dating someone: I won't google you, don't google me. I (Scanner Emily) do that with people I start dating, too. Especially if I meet them online. But, she says she told someone "I could tell you this story, but why don't you go read about it on my blog?"

4:45
Woman with awesome pink hair says that people who come to see her (in unnamed public format) leave horrible comments about her. Digital format into her real life. She chooses not to read them because they're terrible. See commeters, words can hurt us!

4:55
Woman says by default she does not blog the name of the person she's seeing. Duh. I never would either. Guy she's seeing not okay with pictures either. Totally understandable. She says we take pictures and tag them in media world, that's what we do to be nice to each other here (SXSWi, media world at large) but people not in media don't see it that way.

4:57
We're talking about writing about lovers. One woman says it's a tool for telling the story about who you are. I (Scanner Emily) think it's fine as long as you aren't specific (or, well, if the person will never read it... bearded bartender dad).

4:59
Woman asks, what about the microfame component? People who write about themselves and their sex lives to reach a level of notoriety? Turn it into job opportunities, traffic, etc.

5:02
Melissa wants to talk about "leveraging who you fuck to get ahead." Woman who works in music industry says if she sleeps with someone at work she becomes "that girl." She says Facebook is great for making things private but it takes a lot of time.

5:04
One sex blogger said to her lover "your name on my blog will be Johanna." Another woman asks if this is negotiating a contract. Melissa says if she gets written about on a dating sex blog, she wants a linkback. So many different levels of privacy, and everybody wants a different one. So hard to navigate.

5:05
Guy brings up we're publishing everything so we'll live forever on the Internet. I (Scanner Emily) wonder if my grandkids will read my Twitter feed someday? Or Scanner? Never thought about that.

5:06
Melissa says it's impossible to put your whole life on the internet. She says a lot but there's a lot she doesn't say. (Me, too). I brought up finding my grandmother's letter about losing her virginity. It will be on such a larger scale when we're dead. Our kids and grandkids and great grandkids will know everything!

5:09
Older man (oops David Carr, thanks Rachel Sklar) points out, "historically, there is nothing kids find less interesting than their parents' sex life."

5:12
Woman who works in TV doesn't believe in monogamy, wonders how much she has to be transparent about those things... Wonders if her sex life will be shocking or will it help her to control it later on down the road?

5:14
Rachel Sklar says when you add a public element, and things aren't going well, you self edit, you add a PR element. Ha. We're our own relationship spin doctors. How does this affect the relationship, though?

5:17
Woman asks if Tweeters worry about stalkers? I think if you're worried about that you should lock your Twitter or not blog specifics of where you're going. Again, it's the different privacy levels thing. I only Tweet my location at SXSW so my friends here can find me here. But when I was in New York? No way. If I have a stalker and he wants to make his way to Austin and buy a badge to find me in meeting room 5, I at least owe him a handshake and a smile, right? Okay, not really but you know what I'm saying.

5:23
Melissa says it's an ongoing process of curating what's on the web about us. Amen.

5:24
How many of us are happy with our top result on Google? I'm okay with mine, but I bet it won't stay there forever. Nick points out you need your side of the story showing up. Try to get it up to the top. Luckily, my site(s) show up first most of the time/so far. But it will probably change someday.

5:25
Woman from How Not to Get Fucked as a Blogger discussion talking about how she was outed after she wrote a book based on her sex blog. All anonymous (until she was outed of course). She believes bloggers should be anonymous. I do not. Maybe I'll write about it at length later. She says be careful what you say but try to have power in other mediums so you can have some control over what's out there about you. She has dealt with the British press, though. Apparently those guys and gals are first-class fuckers.

5:28
Two minutes to the end of the panel and "doucebag" is finally used. Thanks, Rachel Sklar.

5:29
Guy warns about updating FB relationship status. I took all alerts off of mine. And it does not say my relationship status. Won't. Don't want to do that to myself or anyone else. Ever.

5:30
Melissa points out tools that seem inoffensive make us share more and more of our lives. And that everybody is blogging about sex, whether we're doing it intentionally or not. Of course, it's all we think about. Well for me sex and food. And shoes. And how broke I am. But still. Closing words "be brave, take up space and let the douchebags look like the douchebags they are."

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Scanner Highs And Lows: But If You Are In The Mood...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

...maybe your sex drive isn't as high as it should be. Maybe you're burnt out from fantasizing about lingerie models. Or maybe you've just been mauled by a crazed grizzly bear.

In any case, you need some refreshment...

Highs:

CNN solved that sex drive problem, ladies. Sort of.

The Daily Show's five sexiest clips turned us on, for sure.

Anne Hathaway, as viewed from the side, caused total computer hardware failure. From drooling on the keyboard.

At least she didn't pick herself: Naomi Campbell named the last true supermodel, and we have to agree with her on the sexiness factor.

Lows:

Snickers didn't bring on a bout of the chuckles.

Ashley Alexandra Durpe couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. We mean... never mind.

Viewed from a distance, Brad Pitt is a) just as sexy or b) a lousy father?

The man eating bears had nothing to do with sex, but they, um, scared the pants off us. Does that count?

The 9/11 thing... got us hot and bothered? Nice try, but not really... mainly just bothered.

There's a 17-year-old girl stripping in Iowa. 17: not acceptable. 18: here's a dollar for your humiliation.

If engaging in fellatio this weekend, take this girl's advice: "Do Not Swallow!"

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

This week, we got down with O.P.P. You remember O.P.P....

Scanner Emily is off to Vegas and will talk about all her naughty, naughy adventures uncensored.

We caught TV talking heads in mid-"O."

Angelina talked about her private sex life that's not really that private.

We told people how to find your G-spot. You're welcome.

We got nostalgic for indecent exposure.

Scanner Nicole delved deep into the sex lives of the elderly. And lived.

We showed you a baby with an extra penis. On his back.

We exposed phone sex workers for what they are. Which is... uh... phone sex workers.

We exposed uppity, meddling do-nothings who videotape lingerie shoppers.

Our guest blogger Steve rose a stink on Fark with his blasphemous assertion that Jesus-- gasp!-- had short hair.

And Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had dueling stories about our married lives in 1939 vs. today. Thank God things have changed.

Now go out and enjoy your private life... in public, if you must. We promise not to write about it.