Scanner : south park

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

Marines Taunted Saddam Hussein With South Park

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

South Park co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone were recently presented with an autographed photo of Saddam Hussein by the Army's 4th Infantry Division. There was also talk about the entertainment the marines provided Saddam with in captivity prior to his 2006 execution...

"We're very proud of our signed Saddam picture and what it means. Its one of our biggest highlights," said Matt Stone.

"I have it on pretty good information from the marines on detail in Iraq that they showed Saddam the movie," he said about South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, which depicted Saddam as gay and the boyfriend of Satan.

"Over and over again – which is a pretty funny thought. That's really adding insult to injury."

"South Park"/"Heavy Metal" Mashup Maybe Needed More Boobs

The Real Reason the Jonas Brothers Wear Those Purity Rings

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

When Kenny takes his new gf to a Jonas Brothers concert on this week's South Park in hopes of getting a little somethin' somethin', his hopes are dashed by the Jonas-endorsed purity rings.

What's the deal with those purity rings? Why do the J Bros wear them? South Park breaks it down, as per usual. Or rather, Mickey "The Boss" of Disney, lays the smack down in the name of selling sexuality to young girls.

Related:

Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

While You Were Sleeping: The 10 Biggest Music Moneymakers

Image: TMZ

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Nerve once did a Top 5 Funny Sex Scene list. Unfortunately, we disagree with almost all of its choices ("The Graduate" being the only exception.)

Here's a new, much funnier list, with not only great sex scenes but barrels of laughs (we had a hard time imagining anyone would laugh at the raunchy sex in "Havoc.") Barrels of laughs during sex? Can't say we've ever experienced that... no, sir...

5. Animal House.

4. Because couldn't find clips for Being There or Sideways, another equally-worthy scene from Animal House:

3. M*A*S*H

In the TV show's entire decade long run, we doubt you could put together two hours as sidesplitting as the original Robert Altman film. This vintage trailer features some of the film's unforgettable dialogue and two or three of the best scenes in movie history, including this one (about 1:18 in.)

2. Team America: World Police. FYI: This is the R-rated version... which means there's no defecation (for better or worse.) Enjoy!

1. The Tall Guy. Yep, not only does our number one choice feature Jeff Goldblum (yikes!), it stars the boobs of one... Emma Thompson. Who could have ever predicted a sex scene with Emma Thompson (not to say she isn't hot) would be so memorable?

Runner-up: Being There, Sideways. (Couldn't find either online.)

Related:

Lizzy Caplan, Not To Be Outdone By Anna Paquin, Takes It Off For True Blood

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

True Blood's Anna Paquin In First (True) Nude Scene

Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:36:00 GMT

Swear to God, we were just watching ex-State, ex-Stella comedian Michael Ian Black on the CW's mildly underrated Reaper -- and now, here he is on the Interweb, desperately trying to get some validation from a girl he fingerbanged at summer camp. And her name is... Emily???

Dear Emily,

Oh my God! I just realized that when I said I "f-ed you" in my last letter, that easily could be read as "fucked you." God forbid your husband or lover (lesbian?) should read that! If that person IS reading THIS letter, I did NOT fuck your wife/lover. I just fingered her. I was just trying to be discreet about referencing it, which is why I used the initial "f" for "fingering." Total brain fart!

Wow, who knew Cracked.com did something other than listacles!

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:13:00 GMT

We like to think that in addition to showing you pictures of boobs, we're doing a public service here at Scanner. We want you to get dates and have sex and look at great pictures... of many things.

Highs:

The UCLA Undie Run, of course.

Helen Mirren "promotes healthy nudity." Yes she does.

We found out you'd rather watch Kristen Davis' sex tape than Lindsay Lohan's.

And you'd probably still do Jamie Lee Curtis, even at 50.

Scanner Emily found her reason for living. And yes, it has a beard.

We learned what angels sound like when they masturbate.

We learned we're pretty great at Photoshopping. Don't you think?

We want you to draw pictures of prostitutes.

We tried to help Internet geeks get women in the real world, too.

We found out we might be totally normal for liking to sniff our partners' underarms.

Lows:

We experienced some weddings from Hell.

We don't really dig Miss Bimbo. Which probably makes us feminazis.

We admitted to loving Julia Allison and "Men in Trees."

We're a little ashamed that these kids who celebrated the end of their term with a giant orgy are our heroes.

Live Links commercial: a low for Evangeline Lilly, a high for those of us hating on Kate right now.

South Park just didn't come through with the boobage.

They did, however, kill Britney Spears. And we laughed at it.

Amy Winehouse's face scared us. Almost as much as this baby doll did.

Image via pacificdave.com

"South Park"/"Heavy Metal" Mashup Maybe Needed More Boobs

Bryan Christian — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Call us party poopers but we can't help but feel a little disappointed in last night's South Park, which went by the name of "Major Boobage" and promised to be a Heavy Metal-inspired hornball freakout -- but wound up spending too much time taking the same Libertarian-type potshots that the show always does: "Hey, the media overreacts!" "Hey, the nanny state is a bad idea!" "Hey, TV confessions are exercises in narcissism!"

Hey, get to the major boobage, guys!

Don't get us wrong, there was major boobage, and the episode is totally worth watching. It's just, you know, we wanted MORE! We were excited at the prospect of the Stan and the kids really confronting weird adult sex stuff again. Too much to ask? Maybe. Anyways, if you're at work and can't get away with watching 22 minutes of a cartoon (but weirdly, "literate smut" is OK?), meet back here after the jump for some choice screengrabs.

The Town of South Park Killed Britney Spears, In L.A.

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:01:00 GMT

If you didn't catch the new episode of South Park on Easter Sunday, you should (you can watch it for free online), because then you'll see that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are not only comedic geniuses, they're fucking prophets.

In the episode, the media causes Britney Spears' breakdown, during which she shoots off her own head. She survives, and the town of South Park continues after half-headed Britney in an effort to make her finish the job. The constant attention eventually leads to her "self-imposed" death and the townspeople, and the world, decide that Miley Cyrus is their next "victim."

We knew it would happen, but who knew it would happen so quickly?

Apparently just last weekend, even amid all the South Park and How I Met Your Mother buzz, there were less than half a dozen paparazzi covering Britney.

So where was her usual crew of 30? Why, with Miley Cyrus, of course.

[Side Dish: Paparazzi over Britney]

Image of Miley Cyrus via hitzonly.com

All the Chocolate Salty Balls Your Little Heart Desires

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:03:00 GMT

Happy almost new year. Viacom/MTV has decided that, beginning in 2008, they'll make all episodes of South Park available free online. While it's really just an elaborate ploy to boost sales of South Park paraphernalia, we'll take it. Now for a little sumpin', sumpin' to get you in the mood: