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My Twitter Friends Are Lies

Drew Grant — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:31:00 GMT

Recently, I've been waking up (at noon) with a slew of people following me on Twitter. Jesus, I'm so popular! Someone, deep within the ether of the Internet, has decided I am "cool" and should have many, many followers. Not quite as many as Ashton or Samantha Ronson, but let's just say that I'm hitting the triple digits these days. Of course, I should have realized something was fishy if I had taken the time to look at these own people's Twitter accounts, but this is the 21st century, and who has time for that anymore? Here's a screen shot of one the homepage one of my new admirers led me to.

Blurgh! What happened to her face?! Do all my Twitter friends have what appears to be a giant cloud of bees swarming their head at all times? Why wouldn't you try to cover yourself up to protect you....oh wait, I get it. Twitter is now being bombarded by really unprofessional spam porn.Well, we knew this day was coming. I just didn't know it would be so terrifying.

Spam Wow

Colleen Kane — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:52:00 GMT

All we can say about the Twitter account Spam Fortune is: it's about time. Spam subject lines have been hilarious for years, and have been bandied about in blogs or maybe even real world conversation, among the more adventurous folks who go outside.

But until now, there was no regular showcase for their zenlike absurdities. In a stroke of inspiration, someone (we know not who) created the Twitter account Spam Fortune.

It's still a new account, but here are some of the Scanner-worthy spam tweets:

Your manhood will fly like a white dove - independent and free!

6:51 AM Apr 22nd from mobile web

Your male member is in fetters? Set him free
11:05 AM Apr 21st from web

To the stars your manhood flies when you are happy with your size.
11:41 AM Apr 17th from web

And when feeling discouraged, don't forget:

If your whole life is shit, at least you can have a decent watch
10:20 AM Apr 17th from web

Related:

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into [Redacted]'s House And Twitter Account

"Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Mainly because it's Friday and we're burnt out from a romantic concert by Dean & Britta last night, we found this Top 10 List of Celebrity Spam bizarrely hilarious...

10) Britney Spears Admits “My Vagina Made Me Shave My Head Bald”
9) Angelina Jolie’s Lips Explode
8) Sarah Jessica Parker Arrested For Gross Negligee
7) Britney Spears Shoots Down American Spy Satellite With Her Vagina
6) Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina
5) Britney Spears: “Yes, I tried to suck the shine off a bumper”
4) BREAKING NEWS: Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson (oh, please, let this be true!)
3) LiLo heartbroken as Diana’s Butler beds Winehouse
2) Paris Hilton Becomes Nun
1) Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton

Also: Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin, Britney Spears Is Actually A Piece Of Broccoli, Britney Spears Applies For Barack Obama Masseuse Job, Britney Spears Recording New Album - Forgotten How To Sing (unfortunately, this one's probably not true), Paris Hilton Dogs Paris Hilton With Lawsuit, Britney Spears Not Bipolar - New World Order Conspiracy Afoot, Paris Hilton denies screwing Ron Paul, Paris Hilton: "I'm Still A Summer Virgin," and Aliens Kidnapped By Michael Jackson. (We're taking it they meant "Alien Babies...")

A couple of these were not celebrity-related, but too good to pass up. MSNBC: Couple Plans Breakup In 2009 and BREAKING NEWS: "I Ate All The Pies," Man Confesses.

Several of these are taken from this post.

Related:

Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Security Breach Means More Spam For Porn Customers

I Made It Into Spam; Now I Can Die A Happy Man

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:52:00 GMT

Woah! At the end of the day yesterday, we received this message from the John McCain satellite office at Cakebread (the man is rumored to have shadow offices everywhere, including at Katie Couric's house and the W.C. at the DNC.) Our minds were too blown to do anything about it at the time. What if it was true? The government killed people for publicizing less Top Secret information.

But here is, no doubt, irrefutable proof that Senator John McCain is going to invade our fucking vaginas. It's even in quotes, for God's sake, so it must be true.

Okay, that's about as far as we can stretch the joke. But y'all know McCain can keep it going, maybe make it part of his Iran warmongering speeches: "Iran, if you don't stop building those nukes, I'm going to personally invade all your vaginas." And so forth.

In unrelated news, McCain continued his sore loser tradition of trying to make everything look like it was his idea all along! Classic McCain moment from yesterday: Senator, are you upset that Europe and, in particular, Berlin are welcoming Barack Obama is a hero, the generation's greatest leader? Naw, I think I'll wait to speak in Germany until after I'm elected. Fair enough, but we can't help but think McCain is the kid who didn't get invited to your ninth birthday party and then acted like he wouldn't have gone even if he that invitation hadn't gotten "lost in the mail."

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:30:00 GMT

"Would you like to have a larger, fuller, stronger tool?"

We all love it when Gmail makes a funny and leaves some amusing spam in our inboxes. For no good reason, we've put together highlights of recent spam e-mails, which you must admit are getting more eye-catching as e-mail filters grow slightly more sophisticated.

E-mail Headline: "Amend Your Problem of Small Dimension" and "Huge and youwill newer hear the word NO (Enlarge your big daddy size)"

Spam opening lines: "The scooby snack teaches the tornado." "Now and then, a power drill pees on another spider."

Spam offer comedy, yes: "I am interested in buying your {what you want to sale}. I will buy for FINAL ASKING price and late conditions,also I will like you to send pictruees of this items."

Spam makes up country names: "I am frank, son of governor of lagos state of Nig."

We once worked for a boss who received this message. No idea if it was a joke, spam, or an honest assessment of the sender's place in the world:

I am hoping you would send me a bunch of your music on CDs free of charge to cheer me up. I am attending a medical home church for those unable to attend large congregational churches --- I am allergic to poinsettias, most after shaves and perfumes.

Thank You

This one has to be seen in its original context. And, finally, our friend got this one a few weeks ago:

> From: [name withheld]
> Subject: WTF
>
> Why the hell does it take you so long to respond to emails?
>
> what's up with that? I heard we're neighbors. I heard you're pretty
> cool guy. I googled you -- you look cute, seem like a nice guy, so WTF? do you
> want to meet? Just lemme know....
>
> peace
> d

Whoops. Unfortunately, that one might be real.

By the way, how do you like our idea for a film composed entirely of dialogue lifted from spam and named after our favorite sender's nom de plume: Gayelord Oxtail?

Spam King Pleads "6ui1ty" to Felony, Could Get 26 Years

Bryan Christian — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 20:07:00 GMT

'Spam King' Pleads Guilty
Notorious spammer Robert Soloway faces a possible 26-year jail sentence for fraud and tax evasion.

I Made It Into Spam; Now I Can Die A Happy Man

Bryan Christian — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 20:04:00 GMT

Check it out, guys! There I was, giving myself a little Google this afternoon, and look what I found:

How cool is that? My bio on this blog has become sexually charged web jibberish. It's like I got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!

The Art of Penis Enlargement Supplements and Hot Moms on Webcams

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 18:10:00 GMT

We're so happy to see someone has taken the unavoidable and annoying and turned it into art. These paintings of popular spam subject lines would be perfect to hang over the wall you throw your computer against when your inbox fills up hourly with Nigerian bank scam emails. (via BoingBoing)