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This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

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Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:31:00 GMT

We're trying to decide who's funnier: the guy above or the moran in this story...

The village idiot in Fort Walton Beach, Florida has spoken: he would like us to "get rid of" Obama, and will sit on his porch with his misspelled signs, waving the confederate flag until the Black Man is out of the White House.

We report on local Republican Larry Ford, who is causing guffaws all around the world with his special brand of populism... and this sign has gotta be seen to be believed...

Larry posted two copies of this sign in his front yard. And no, we're not going to make fun of a typo... just because it's a typo...

As for the misspelling, Larry says: "I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you? American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Amen, brother, amen.

The local Democrats are taking it in stride: "(Obama) won, get used to it.... He won fair and square, unlike the election in 2000, when Bush didn't win fair and square. And we put up with him for many, many years."

The New Republic ends their story with this:

Ford said he will leave the signs up "until we get rid" of Obama.

Via TNR.

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Weddings in California Prisons

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

Related:

GOP Senate Candidate's Son In Hot Water For Racist Facebook Profile

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Go Have A Jolt Cola And A Sandwich, Kids, We Want To Have An Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:17:00 GMT

My, these middle school teachers sure seem to be getting laid a lot more often than we are. Unfortunately, the ones you're hearing about in the news are all sleeping with underage students or, in the case of those teachers at a school in Augusta, Georgia, with fellow staffers... during lunch...

According to News 12 in Richmond County, the school system has launched an investigation into whether Spirit Creek (damn hippies!) Middle School faculty engaged in noontime orgies:

The allegations include accusations that faculty members were having sex with each other here on school property during school hours.

The accused include teachers, members of the administration and a former school public safety officer.

"Wow. Wow. That's shocking. That's really shocking." Bonita Blocker's daughter is a seventh grader at Spirit Creek Middle School. "Anything like that should not be going on in the school system expecially with the testing scores that we're putting out here -- everything that thay do here should be concentrating on the children."

Is it wrong that we can't stop laughing about the above paragraphs? First, there's the image of teachers, administrators, and a safety officer unable to resist their sexual urges for each other, like that Peter Jackson movie Dead Alive, where the virus (or whatever it is) turns all the zombies, including a priest and a nurse, into sex fiends. Anyway, enough about that. What's even better is Bonita's reaction ("Wow." Pause. "Wow") and the use of the word "expecially" while discussing test scores.

People, you can't make this shit up. Read the rest of the madness here, but honestly, we've given you all you need to know.

Related:

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

South African Lovers Pick The Wrong Place To Have Sex

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

While You Were Sleeping: Mischa Barton Can't Keep Her Clothes On

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Totally Awsome Misspelled Tattoos

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Remember the Chi-Tonw tat? If you needed any more reasons to give your tattoo artist a spelling test or at least a breathalyzer, we've found them on the L Magazine blog. Our favorite misspelled ink below.

Well if you're not yet, you'd better get awsome pretty quick with a tattoo like that.

Spell Numbnut, Numbnuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:47:00 GMT

There have been a slew of "Spellbound" and spelling-bee-related parodies in recent years, but this one takes the cannoli. And as you may note former bio to the right, we know a thing or two about spelling bees. (We blame all spelling disasters on these pages on our server, which goes out of its way to prevent us from spellchecking.)

Of course, unlike the YouTube videos of yesteryore, according to Strollerderby, this one is the real deal-- direct from the National Spelling Bee.

Turns out, the judge had said, "numnah," a Hindi word for a kind of blanket. He spelled it correctly. In an interview before the final round, he said of the misheard word, "there are just so many ways to spell it!"

There's only one way to spell it, numbnuts. But you're all right in our dork book, don't worry...

While You Were Sleeping: We Were Reminded What Ashlee Simpson is Supposed to Be Famous For (And It's Not Being Knocked-Up)

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan pretty much told Daddy Lohan to shut the fuck up. [Molly Good]

If Scientology manages to cancel your YouTube account, you just create a new one. Duh. [Jossip]

We were kind-of "enh" when Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage. Now we're throwing up in our mouths a little at the idea that she posted a video response to Miley Cyrus' YouTube channel. [MTV]

It's early, we have't had our coffee yet, and we just can't decide what's more pointless: the self-stirring coffee mug or the triple stack coffee mug. At least one would be good for handing off a vessel full of hot liquid... [Gizmodo and the Presurfer]

If Jessica Rabbit were alive today, she'd be smokin'. [Neatorama]

You should know that bloggers don't really like it when you correct our grammar and typos in the comments section, or via email for that matter. [Best Week Ever]

We were reminded that Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be famous for being a "singer." Her recent appearance on Today was the first time we've ever heard her sing. Unfortunately, for her, and for me for us for the last four minutes, she just sounds like a 55-year-old who has smoked a pack a day for 40 years. We wonder if her back-up singers hate her for that while they're probably actually really talented. [FameCrawler] [Image]

Matthew McConaughey Made a Baby, Then Wrote About It

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:11:00 GMT

Matthew McConaughey planted his seed in his girlfriend, Brazilian model Camila Alves. Then he wrote about it on his website. Then People, which named McConaughey "sexiest man alive" in 2005, fixed his spelling and grammar.

Matthew's version:

"Got some blessed news... a celebration of life and bounty... a newborn concieved [sic].... yes, my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together... its [sic] 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far... we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and sheparding [sic] him or her through this life."

People's version:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes. "It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

Anyway, apples to apples. We know, "shepherding" is actually a really hard word to spell and we've screwed it up a time or two, ourselves. It's not as hard as say, McConaughey, but whatever. Plus, they're having a baby and we should be focusing on that. Congrats, kids. That's going to be one beautiful child. And we already know what we're getting you for the baby shower! Everyone wins.

[People: Matthew McConaughey: I'm Going To Be a Dad]

[MatthewMcConaughey.com]