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Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

Gallery of Ludicrous Romance Novel Covers

Bearded Man of the Week: Joe Bernardi

While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:19:00 GMT

Chris Brown, bastard of the year, may be dating another woman he'll eventually make miserable.

Here's a big surprise: nudity is frowned upon, even in art galleries, in Vietnam.

Evil dictator condoms-- do we really want people to think their sperm might create the next Hitler?

Bras are even stronger than we thought. Or maybe it's money that stopped the bullet.

Dude, if the gardener says he slept with your wife, a famous model, he might be messing with you.

Did you never get into The Grateful Dead? This New York Times article might help.

Are these "animal sex toys" creepy, funny, or a bit of both?

The Taliban murdered two teenagers who were attempting to elope.

And Keira Knightley attacked the internet and dissed Facebook in particular. Good for her.

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant.

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor.

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

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Woman Convicted For the Old "Smuggling a Monkey in Pregnant Belly" Routine

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them

Should This Dead Man Reproduce?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:49:00 GMT

Hunter Thompson's frozen sperm is likely pickled with Chivas Regal and laced with various illicit substances, not to mention the genetic blueprints for depression tendencies (he did off himself, remember).

That being said, Hunter's frozen sperm exists, and his widow is 36, still ready and willing to bear his children, as she recently indicated in an interview. But should she?

Cast your vote after the jump.

Should Hunter Thompson's widow make posthumous offspring with his frozen sperm?
( polls)

Thank You Science, for Teaching Us That Coca-Cola Explodes Sperm

Biologists Taking a Lesson from Sperm

Image: nymag.com

And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:00 GMT

The British know their sex... which is why they're also qualified to judge the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. And this ain't "bad sex" that appears "in fiction." It's bad sex writing from some of the great novels of the year, including John Updike's Witches of Eastwick sequel...

Updike takes the year's Lifetime Achievement Award, while the year's top honoree is Rachel Johnson, sister of London Mayor Boris (what's up with these conservatives, like Bill O'Reilly and Scooter Libby, not knowing how to write sex? Wait, nevermind, we know the answer.)

Based on a cursory search of these books for sex scenes, we found this one from Updike's latest:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

In a Guardian interview, Johnson is a good sport, while the article's author points out some passages that might have caught the committee's attention:

Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".

Just for laughs, here's the 2007 winner, by our good buddy, now deceased, Norman Mailer:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.
'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

It's enough to turn you off having sex, let alone just reading about it.

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Thank You Science, for Teaching Us That Coca-Cola Explodes Sperm

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:01:00 GMT

A researcher from Boston was awarded an Ig prize this week for discovering that Coke, when made with real sugar, explodes sperm. The next time sperm try to launch an offensive attack, you all know what to do...

Although the Ig prize is a joke, the study was definitely real.

Awarded by the editors of the Annals of Improbable Research, the prizes are based on published research, some intended to be humorous but often not. Usually the "honoured" researchers go along with the joke.

Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Centre and colleagues were awarded the chemistry prize for a 1985 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found Coca-Cola kills sperm.

It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," she said.

But Coke made with sugar does kills sperm, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode."

Nice! Other Ig prizes this year include an economics award for discovering tha lap dancers earn the most money at times when they're most fertile, and a biology prize for researchers who found that dog fleas can jump higher than cat fleas.

Congrats to all the winners.

The Most Inappropriate Slide in This History of Playground Equipment

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Gaaaaaaaaah! We will never look at a playground in the same way again.

While You Were Sleeping: Madonna's Breakdown?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:49:00 GMT

This creepy Boy Scout leader was charged with six sex offenses. Guess what they involved?

FoxNews and other sources are confirming the John Edwards Love Child story, with the former ready to present an interview with a hotel security guard who will allegedly back up the Enquirer's shock saga.

A model is facing four years in prison after riding bareback (and bare-ass) on a horse... with the Peru national flag as a saddle.

Lindsay Lohan had a rough weekend: first, she had a panic attack when a mob of fans surrounded her at Sam's DJing gig. Then, early Saturday morning, she was clipped by a motorcycle while crossing an intersection...

Madonna's looking terrible these days. Worse than Amy Winehouse Terrible.

Wisconsin Democrats voted unanimously to strip a delegate of her credentials after the woman switched her support from Clinton to McCain.

A couple had their 18th child this week. "Evvvery sperm is saaacredd..."

A Corleone girl married her loving sweetheart before a large Italian celebration while her father, a Mafia don, sits in prison.

Shia LaBeouf was involved in a car accident, allegedly while intoxicated, and was arrested.

Related:

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The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Tom Hanks of Tomorrow Looking Like Drunk Asshole of Today

Hot, Lesbian Doctor Action Coming to Tonight's "Grey's Anatomy?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:33:00 GMT

We're maybe, slightly, a little obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. We don't write about it so much because 1. we're a little embarrassed and 2. there hasn't been any hot, medical lesbian action. Until now, anyway.

If last week's episode was any indication (and we're pretty almost sure it most certainly maybe was) Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) and Dr. Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith) are in loooove. If this is true, we'll be so happy that Callie found love after what George did to her, even though he was all fucked up at the time and we can't really blame him for it.

Ah, and if they can make sperm from one or the other's bone marrow, think how smart their babies would be!

However, if Torres and Hahn don't get just as much air time in the on-call room as all the other slutty characters, we're sending somebody an angry letter.

[After Ellen: A Lesbian Relationship on "Grey's Anatomy"?]

Bras and Semen: Stuff People Are Stealing

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:40:00 GMT

This week brings us two accused thieves: one a multi-billion dollar American corporation, the other an Indian dude with a seriously flawed "get rich quick" scheme.

According to Katerina Plew, Limited Branks Inc, the company that owns Victoria's Secret, stole her patented idea for the Very Sexy 100-way strapless convertible bra.

Plew had an appointment to meet with a Victoria's Secret executive to whom she had mailed a copy of her patent, as well as a DVD with pictures of a model showing her bra, only to have the appointment abruptly canceled.

"A year later I walked into a Victoria's Secret and there was my bra up on the wall," she said.

And in India, an employee of a sperm bank was arrested for stealing samples, which, unsurprisingly, no one wanted to buy.

Infertility expert Dr. Aniruddha Malpani described the alleged theft as "bizarre" because vials that are not properly labeled would be "worse than useless."

This is what the world has come to, stealing splooge and discrete undergarments. Just thought ya should know.

We'll Donate To Spermcube.org If You Will

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:57:00 GMT

It's been a while since we've encountered something that made us throw up in our mouths a little. Last time around, it was yogurt cultured from someone's hoo-hah. Now... now, it's a cubic meter of refigerated sperm being collected by French artist Philippe Meste. Yuck.

The ‘Spermcube’ contains all the possibilities of life, all possible figures in distressing agglomeration, one on top of the other, without a background, or with their own interlacing and gesticulation as background, a biopolitically incorrect machine celibataire that generates anonymity, undifferentiated and powerless life.

Sure does. You know what else it's got? 264 gallons of goopy, clotted spooge. Ohhh, yeesh... right now, in our throat, it feels like we just did that one shot of tequila where you're like "Seriously, that was fucking stupid," and start to figure out where the nearest exit/bathroom is.

Still, we like art, and we like random French shit, and we like having orgasms, so we'll make a pledge to all of you right here and now: if we can get five dudes to commit to joining us, we -- meaning me, Scanner Bryan -- will get over our disgust and pledge to donate a lovin' spoonful of our own little sailors to the project. That apparently entails sending a note to the artist and getting some sort of "donor kit," which we're assuming we fill up and mail back, or maybe they send the Sperm Fairy to get it or something, and probably doing some sort of interview with us about it later so that we can blog it all.

So gentlemen, who's with us?

Behold The Mighty Bukkake Tree

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:15:00 GMT

Perhaps in your neck of the woods, you're already familiar with the Bradford Pear? Tall, with beautiful white blossoms, the Bradford Pear blooms in early spring and has been used to beautify many North American cities and suburbs.

Also: it smells exactly like cum. Like, when you walk under it, it's like getting a facial by Father Nature himself. If you see one in the next few days -- Brooklynites, they're definitely around and in full effect -- take a whiff and tell us we're not wrong.

India Figures Out What To Do With Its Sperm and Guns Surplus

Bryan Christian — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:06:00 GMT

Hey all y'all Indian dudes out there: looking to pick up a gun and get your tube tied? Well, have we got the program for you!

Shivpuri district in the state of Madhya Pradesh, an overpopulated area renowned for its machismo culture, has started to offer fast-tracked gun licences for those who agree to be sterilised.
“This is a state with a high number of dacoits [bandits], where people like to keep rifles,” Manish Shrivastav, the administrative chief of Shivpuri and originator of the lateral thinking behind the plan, said.
“It also has a low level of vasectomies because of a perceived notion of manliness. I decided to match that with a bigger symbol of manliness — a gun licence. It has been a success.”

Yeah, except that now they're running short on these...

"Ultimate Incest": Scientific Breakthrough or Creepiest Porn Title Ever?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Dudes. You better figure out how to cook and clean because ladies ain't gonna need you to make babies for much longer.

Controversial plans allowing babies to be conceived from artificial sperm are being considered by Ministers, it emerged last night.
A cross-party group of MPs is calling for a relaxation of the ban on human pregnancy from so-called artificial gametes.
The group is led by Liberal Democrat MP Evan Harris - dubbed "Dr Death" for his contentious views on euthanasia.
But the move has been branded the "ultimate incest" by critics because an individual's tissue could be used to create both sperm and eggs to make a human life, making them the father and mother of the child.

We're gonna go ahead and predict the exact day and place that "Ultimate Incest" becomes a reality: this Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY at the City Auditorium! LIVE! DON'T MISS IT! Tickets available by phone; two dollars extra at the door. BE THERE!

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Sorry for the screenshot... it's really not the same as just a jpeg of the pic, minus that wonderful, boner-in-cheek headline.

Cryoss International, a sperm bank in downtown Manhattan (perfect for the closeted lawyer at your firm who never gets to use that sperm anyway), has an interesting homepage, linked via the same obnoxious Craig's List ad we've captured above.

We love how the page is vulgar and crass, visually, but whips out the ol' legalese in the text, as if nothing is happening and a man is not looking down his boxers with an exaggerated gesture of measuring his manhood.

Here's one from the golden age of advertising if the above image doesn't get you smirking:

New Semen Stopper, Stop Semen With the Flip of a Switch

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 19:34:00 GMT

From GIZMODO: Scientists in Australia are developing a radio-controlled contraceptive implant that would control the flow of a man's sperm at the flick of a switch. The valve would be "push-fit" inside the vas deferens (duct that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis) and could be opened or closed remotely depending on the baby making needs of the user.

[Much, much more at Gizmodo]

Biologists Taking a Lesson from Sperm

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:54:00 GMT

The female reproductive tract is "hostile environment" except when it comes to human sperm.

UK researchers have identified markers on the surface of human sperm which prevent them being attacked by the female immune system...

The female reproductive tract is a "hostile environment" for foreign cells which are readily attacked by the immune system but sperm move through apparently undetected. Sperm are also protected from harm in the testes from the male's own immune system.

We're not quite sure what all of this means exactly—we haven't studied biology since the tenth grade and we failed psychoneuroendocrinology miserably in college—so, you should go read the article for yourself. But if the secret to tricking the immune system lies in sperm (and diseases that travel in the sperm) then scientists should be able to figure out how to reverse that so the female reproductive system can get back to attacking.

[Via BBC News]

In the News: The Tickler Arrested, Canada's Sex Party Sues

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:12:00 GMT

Police finally track down that pesky tickle monster: Thomas Blacine is suspected of more than 12 naked intrusions into homes where he allegedly videotaped people sleeping and tickled them. Combs said she did not know if Blacine is the man who tickled her because she only saw his buttocks. "I would recognize him more if there was a shot of his skinny, white butt," Combs said.

Keep that sperm coming: Contrary to popular belief, study finds that men with damaged sperm should ejaculate frequently to increase chances of pregnancy. While not having sex allowed the numbers of sperm to build up, there was a "trade-off" between quality and quantity.

Nothing hotter than a political Sex Party: Canada's small, political Sex Party is suing the postal service for refusing to deliver their mass mailings. The Vancouver-based party...says its political mailing ran afoul of rules aimed at prohibiting use of the postal system to distribute mass-mailing flyers for hard-core pornography or other illegal material.

When they start carrying glow sticks and wearing rainbow-colored visors, we'll worry: Two 10-year-old boys and an 11-year-old girl accidentally took ecstasy while at school. The tablets are believed to have "tasted like strawberries", Chief Inspector Noble said. "I don't know whether they tasted like strawberries, but they didn't have the same effect as a fruit tingle," he said.