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Happy Star Wars Day!

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:31:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Today is (un)officially Star Wars Day. Why May 4th, you ask? May the 4th be with you, of course. You guys know how much we here at MM love our Star Wars paraphernalia. So in honor of this holiest of nerdy holidays, I present to you the geekiest Star Wars product of all time:

Read more...

Welcome to Your Working Week with Eddie Izzard

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:38:00 GMT

It's already been a long week and it's only 9:32am here in New Orleans. Last night, we stayed up till God-knows-what-hour scrolling through old Lego video reenactments of standup comedy. We realized that there's absolutely no reason not to share this, the greatest of 2-minute Lego comedy videos, with you, even though it's several years old.

On this brutal Monday morning, be thankful you don't work in the cafeteria in the Death Star...

Related:

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

While You Were Sleeping: Star Wars on TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:27:00 GMT

The CNN-Ashton Kutcher "race to a million" literally came down to the wire. Found out who won by clicking here.

The new Harry Potter movie has its first finished trailer.

This whole "we didn't know she pregnant" thing is catching on all over the world, with the latest outbreak spotted in Michigan.

How do Jack White fans keep track of all these bands he's in?

More Bloomberg jerky behavior.

Perry Mason is real!

Jennifer Jason Leigh joins the cast of Weeds-- officially establishing the Showtime show's cast as the best on television, hands down.

The world takeover of Britain's Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle is still in shock about her overnight fame.

The Senator who replaced Obama has raised... wait for it... $845 this quarter. Hell, I can raise that in one phone call.

Zac Efron wants to play Luke Skywalker on TV. Hey, don't laugh-- George Lucas has had far worse ideas AND executed them.

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Cloris Leachman Wears Only Cabbage for Her PETA Ad

While You Were Sleeping: It's A Lipstick Jungle Out There

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Women in Saudi Arabia are going to other countries to shop for lingerie because of the male store employees. In other news, Saudi Arabia allows lingerie.

Prince William "can marry a Jedi," but not a Catholic.

Fake Dina Lohan and Fake Christopher Walken were outed and removed, respectively, from Twitter.

Richard Simmons never stops entertaining, even in the airport, and even if it means singing... "Single Ladies?"

What do you do if your first bank robbery fails? Go into the next bank. That way, it's easier for the cops to find you.

No one wants to have to sit through the vile, racist Rush Limbaugh show, which is why Media Matters has set up Limbaugh Wire.

John Mayer is wearing, um, a little sailor suit and, um, sniffing a mankini.

And are you sitting down? Lipstick Jungle has been canceled, if you hadn't already heard.

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Facebook Quickly Becoming a Raging Cesspool...

Britain's Sexual Hazing Rituals Apparently News to Some People...

While You Were Sleeping: Carrie Underwood's Dress Was Too Short

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Summer Blockbusters Made for Women Inspired by Blockbusters Made for Men

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Every summer, Hollywood rolls out more movies based on toys my brother played with when we were little: Transformers, GI Joe, Star Wars. Others are based on the comics he read: Iron Man, X-Men, The Hulk, etc. These films are taken seriously by adults. And they are huge. It got me thinking:

What if Hollywood made movies for women that weren't brainless rom-coms?

But that question was too large to tackle.

What if Hollywood made movies based on characters and toys women liked as children?

And so, here are some ideas I present to Hollywood (with the understanding that if used I will be compensated richly), titles followed by their potential trailers, trailers of course being read in the voice of trailer voiceover guy.

Outrageous: Holograms vs. Misfits

Jerrica Benton was an ordinary woman who owned a record company. But in her secret double life as Jem, with help from Cynergi, she is outragous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. [Sequence of Jem and the Holograms rocking out on stage.] But not everyone is a fan. [Sequence of Pizzazz from the Misfits singing: "We are the Misfits/ Our songs are better/ We hate Jem and / We're gonna get her."]

This summer... Jem and the Holograms face off... in the battle of their lives... against their arch-enemy rockers, the Misfits. Only one band will win. The other band will lose their identity: either the Holograms will be stripped of Jem's special Cynergi earrings, or the Misfits will have to change their name, because it was already taken by the Misfits 30 years ago. Excitement. Adventure. Fashion. Fame. This summer...be a Jem girl. JEM. Jem is her name.

The Care Bears Wake-Up Call

The Care Bears have been hibernating since 1990 when the grunge era began and eventually destroyed happiness and optimism. In the summer of 2010, the Care Bears wake up in a world that is a much faster...and much meaner. In order to survive, they have to adapt.
Meet the Don't- Care Bears: Blogger Bear, Pollution Bear, Conservative Bear, Nihilist Bear. But in their struggle to survive, have the Care Bears forgotten the most important lesson of all? Will a world without caring self-destruct? In a word...Yes. [Montage of apocalyptic destruction set to operatic choral musical climax, then: silence. Black screen.]
Care Bears Wake-Up Call
Summer 2010

Easy Bake

In a world... one little girl finds herself in the cookoff of her life. But she's not allowed to use her mommy's grownup oven. The only cooking device she can use is...an Easy-Bake Oven. That's right: everything must be cooked to perfection using only a light bulb. Or something. In a world.

Other ideas which could be fleshed out if the price is right:

Strawberry Shortcake: The Pieman Cometh

MLP (My Little Pony)

Rainbow Brite and the Deadly Quest for Sparkles

Related:

Striking While The "Iron" Is Hot, Marvel Studios Paves Way For "Avengers" Movies

"Star Wars" Retold by Someone Who Hasn't Seen it Sounds About Right to Us

Star Wars Tattoos... and Shame

Warner Bros. Took Away Kevin Smith's Dicks

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:15:00 GMT

We would be more outraged about this news of a Kevin Smith film being censored if our initial reaction to this news wasn't "Kevin Smith is making another movie?"

What juvenalia has he left unplumbed? Is there still more minutia of Star Wars yet to be discussed on the big screen?

This latest venture with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan was supposed to be titled A Couple of Dicks. And it's about detectives! But then Warner Bros. found that just too risque and so the name has been changed to...wait for it...

A Couple of Cops.

[As struggling screenwriters everywhere kill themselves, alone in their cheap rented rooms.]

Related:

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith Makes A Porno... Or So Thought The MPAA

Trailer: "Zach and Miri Make a Porno"

R2-D2 Says What We Were Thinking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:19:00 GMT

Hey, that's what we were thinking after The Phantom Menace...

In this instant-classic of a YouTube video, someone translated R2D2's squeaks, beeps, and whines from Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Who knew R2D2 was so hilarious... and vulgar.

"I'm GO AWAY." Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction to the film, as well.

By the way, this HD YouTube video was created by this guy.

Porn Flow Chart Tells Us What We Already Know

Lego Superman Takes the Low Road

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

In the last twenty-four hours, we were sent two videos that happened to have been filmed in 1985. We hadn't seen either of them before-- one involves Saturday Night Live, the other a real commercial that might as well have been a parody on that show-- and they're both hysterical for different reasons.

Your day cannot possibly get more entertaining than this...

First, from the Best of SNL DVD's bonus material (or so we're told), here's Phil Hartman's SNL audition. God, is there anyone like this operating today?

And this is a commerical for "The Music Vest." We would explain what the hell that is if we only could figure out what it was... besides the obvious...

Hope you enjoyed yourself.

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week (VIDEOS)

Colleen Kane — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:56:00 GMT

Hard to believe, but after 16 years on the air, this is the last week for Late Night With Conan O' Brien, one of my all-time favorite shows. As Late Night draws to its close, Conan's been inviting back some favorite guests and friends of the show (like Martha Stewart, who brought along Taco Bell and 40s), and running hilarious greatest hits and montages along with some new sketches. They're all on the Conan website, but here are some especially good ones: Conan shooting guns and drinking whiskey in upstate New York with Hunter S. Thompson (which was the only way he would agree to be on the show), Triumph the Insult Comic Dog taking on Star Wars nerds, and bidding adieu to The Masturbating Bear (with a Star Wars theme and guest star).

Hunter Thompson:

Triumph vs Star Wars Nerds:

Masturbating Bear Bye Bye:

*sniff*

Related:

Conan and Cannolis Brought Out the Dirty Talk in Paula Deen

Will Conan Suck When He Gets to L.A.?

Who's That Boy?

More Fun With Legos: Stop Motion Star Wars Video

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

So. Yeah... it's not that we've been on a particular Lego/Playmobil/Star Wars kick lately or anything... it's just that all the best stuff on the internet involves some combination of the above...

This Lego Star Wars stop motion video is hard to follow, but rewards repeat viewing. Gotta love that dust-buster disappearing act.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers...

Why Are Playmobil Playsets So Damned Crazy?

"Star Wars" Retold by Someone Who Hasn't Seen it...

"Star Wars" Retold by Someone Who Hasn't Seen it Sounds About Right to Us

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:34:00 GMT

As we have admitted here more than once, we have never seen "Star Wars." We don't know why, really. Maybe our parents did a terrible job of raising us? Whatever the reason, we probably now hold the blame ourselves for doing absolutely nothing about it. But it's sort of become this thing, like a party trick: "I've never seen 'Star Wars!'" Maybe it's our Cinderella shoe; perhaps we're fated to marry the man who finally sits us down and makes us watch it. Until then we're perfectly content to watch "'Star Wars' Retold by Someone Who Hasn't Seen It," a video made by some guy after his friend Amanda told him she'd never seen the Triology but could tell him what happens.

We're glad to know that we're not the only ones who think Han is named Hans.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Related:

Star Wars Tattoos... and Shame

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Did Han Solo Show Princess Leia His Spaceballs in the Trailer? (this is the post we corrected from 'Hans' to 'Han' after a nice commenter told us what was up)

Video of the Day: "Princess Bride" Lightsaber Battle

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Here's a new one: a guy caught jerking off near a couple of teenage girls says he was only giving himself "a groin massage." Bonus quote: "I haven't had an erection in the last ten years."

Here's another excuse for you: "Honey, I have to leave the toilet seat up, lest it fall on our young son's penis."

The Arcade Fire may be preparing to release a DVD.

Sherman Alexie's book "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian," a well-deserved National Book Award Winner, has been banned in an Oregon school after one parent complained. Their issue with the book?

[Hank] Moss, reached today by The Oregonian, said the book includes "a reference about masturbation, and that it's ok and no big deal." He added that he felt it was "inappropriate."

Hey, Hank! Find us any book taught at a high school in the United States and we'll find something in it that you'd find "inappropriate." Let me guess, you think the Bible is an "appropriate" book for children?

We hope she rots in the hell her victims believe in: a woman used her four-year-old daughter as bait to rip off generous churches.

Scores may blame the failing New York economy on its recent decision to shut down, but it also have avoided letting prostitutes do business inside its walls.

Jeremy Piven lost Barack Obama's phone number. How come, in an age where cell phones snyc to computers and all computers have address books, people still lose phone numbers?

And the original Luke Skywalker light saber went for $240,000.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

What can we say, we're a sucker for pranks, practical jokes, and general harmless merriment.

It's the only reason we would have considered going to a school like MIT (not that we would've gotten in or even wanted to.) You know, to carry out that fantasy of college life we first saw in Real Genius... the smart asses venting their energy not by farting and chanting "USA! USA!" at frat parties but by disassembling the dean's car and reassembling it in the Yukon Territories...

The Boston Globe has a brilliant and hysterical photo essay of pranks captured by still photographers over the years... all the photos are worth checking out...

But these are our faves, starting with the first annual piano launch!

Send us your prank photos and we'll post 'em... even if you didn't attend MIT.

Via the Boston Globe.

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

Confessions of "The Other Woman"

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Return of the Gay Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Episode three of Gay Balls... a sort of Return of the Jedi's Johnson... or something.

Seriously, are you folks still watching? Let us know if we should keep posting these in our quick poll...

Thanks, Christopher! Click here if you missed Episode 2, see below for Episode 1.

Related:

Video of the Day: Gay Balls, Episode I

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Teacher Forced To Resign After Students Find His Gay Profile

This Week In Gayness: Man Gets 150 Days For Being Accessory To Gay Murder

China Rebrands With... Death Star 2.0?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:04:00 GMT

China launched its plan for world domination on Friday with a swarm of drummers, dancers and flying levitating corporate logos meant to hypnotize every human on the planet.

Billed “One World, One Dream” by the time they beat us into submission with their 18000-strong storm trooper synchronized drumming, the planet was too enraptured to worry about the Death Star rising from the stadium depths.

Not to be left out, global corporations will play a major role in the New World Order. Telecom giant AT&T is limiting communications, Google is censoring the Internet, and Nike will expand its program to enslave our young people. Nike has also struck a deal to finally outfit the global population with those silver jumpsuits we were promised so many decades ago.

Our world leaders were also on hand to grace China’s takeover. President Bush and others waved feebly to our nation’s young elites as they marched proudly to their doom dressed as, well, our nation’s young elites.

To ensure complete submission, event organizers even enlisted the Voice of God to give His blessing and reassure the masses of our Dear Leader’s Benevolence. It is hoped that with so much entertainment the world will not pay too much attention phase II of “One World One Dream", which began simultaneously with much less fanfare but just as many fireworks in Georgia.

With this New World Order in place China is also hoping to expand its prison, science and citizen disappearance programs, which in the least would give our local Bodies exhibit a little more variety.

Photo via Dead Spin.

-written by Byron Dafoe, who is filling in for Verena this week

Related:

Bulgarian Wrestlers Win Big... Are Big

We Missed Out On The Hipster Olympics

Look Out! Olympic Swimmer Amanda Beard Is Naked Again...

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

19-Year-Old Girl In China Strips For Charity

Star Wars Tattoos... and Shame

Did Han Solo Show Princess Leia His Spaceballs in the Trailer?

Video of the Day: "Princess Bride" Lightsaber Battle

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:41:00 GMT

When we were kids, we were constantly quoting The Princess Bride. Well, just one line from The Princess Bride. "Hello. My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die."

We were obsessed. We still are, which is why this Princess Bride-Star Wars mash-up has us pretty excited — so excited, in fact, we've already watched it about ten times.

Moff Diving into the Diary of Grand Moff Tarkin

Steve McKay — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:22:00 GMT

George Lucus you have given us much…but George Lucus, you have taken much away…but I will say…or perhaps sing…this to you now George Lucus. "No matter what you take from me you can’t take away this di-a-ry!!!!!"

Finally, a candid look inside the heart and mind of everyone’s favourite sour-pussed commander of the Death Star. In these never before seen passages addressed to his wife (Whaaa? Really?), we get a chilling account of the events leading up to the death of this beloved Imperial senator. Here is my favourite entry:

Lord Vader arrived today. I swear every time I see him he gets bigger. And you'll never guess who he had with him. Remember old Senator Bail Organa? Well, Vader had his daughter in tow. He picked her up along the way after attacking her Consular Ship. Attacking a Consular Ship? What balls.

Indiana Jones is Making Your Kids Fat

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:59:00 GMT

Is Indiana Jones making you, or your kids, fat?

Rahul Parikhn, an angry pediatrician who wrote an open letter to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg about their films' cross promotion with junk food, thinks so.

You tied "Star Wars" to Pepsi and Frito-Lay, plastering Yoda and Obi-Wan over 2-liter bottles and Doritos bags. Recently I was watching CNBC and saw the chief marketing officer of Burger King unveil the Indy Whopper, a mammoth, juicy burger with pepper jack cheese and jalapeño sauce (to give it "adventure," the CMO pointed out), a tie-in to "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." I see you also got Mars to manufacture a Snicker's Adventure Bar with coconut and chai that has Dr. Jones' face on the wrapper.

Besides the fact that none of these foods is healthy, one has to ask if they're what your characters would eat. Would Lord Vader chug down a Pepsi before he wielded his light saber? (If he did, would he drink it with a straw or take off his entire mask?) Wouldn't Indy, now a senior citizen, have more than just a little bump in his cholesterol if he had scarfed down his namesake burger with fries and a soda? How could he be fit enough to chase down ancient relics while dodging boulders and outwitting Nazis?

We certainly agree with Parikhn. When we were kids, we were part of the Pizza Hut readers' club. For every ten or so books we read, we'd get a free personal-pan Pizza and soda (or "pop," as it were). For as long as we can remember, we've been rewarded with fatty fast foods, McDonald's gift certificates, etc. And we're sure that, combined with the Little Debbies and the white-bread sandiwches our mom put in our lunch on a daily basis, contributed to our slow metabolism as adults. But we think he's barking up the wrong "you" tree.

Sure, directing the letter to Lucas and Spielberg is the best way to get some attention, but we imagine those two have absolutely nothing to do with the actual marketing of the movie, save their own appearances and interviews. Parikhn should be going after the studios and the marketing departments. Oh, and parents. Because, yeah, if you're a parent who allows your kid to eat junk food on a daily basis and have soda with dinner every night, then it's highly possible that Indiana Jones and other cross promotions are making your kids fat.

And we kind-of want a double-bacon swiss burger. Except not that one.

[Salon: Indiana Jones and the kingdom of fat kids]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Disappointment?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Seriously, we thought we were going to get fingerbanged and then we didn't. How do you think our week went?

Highs:

We learned that people who have more money than we do dress a lot worse than we do.

Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson performed together.

We learned that you'd rather do Chrissie Hynde than Madonna.

The Top 10 Teen Pop Stars made us laugh and cry.

We learned how to make our own dildo cam.

Our suspicions about Star Wars were confirmed. Maybe.

Lows:

We were really, really disappointed by National Fingerbang day. Really fucking disappointed.

We were pretty disappointed by Scarlett Johansson's music video.

We were disappointed when Akon and T-Pain didn't invite us to this awesome lunch.

Miley Cyrus and her dad got a little too close for our comfort.

So did Hulk Hogan and his daughter.

We were very scared by the Montana Meth Project.

Did Han Solo Show Princess Leia His Spaceballs in the Trailer?

Emily Farris — Thu, 01 May 2008 13:13:00 GMT

Carrie Fisher recently hinted that she and Harrison Ford may have had an affair while filming the Star Wars movies.

"I went on the film saying, 'I'm going to have an affair', like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit - because I had never had one. I'm going to get into so much trouble. Once, I left the room and came back and Harrison was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes! I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he has had a few drinks."

So either he totally played her or they totally did it. In costume, we hope.

[Gabby Babble: Carrie Fisher Hints About Affair with Harrison Ford]

Get Out The Waterproof Mascara: More Chick Flicks Coming Your Way

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 13:55:00 GMT

We like all kinds of movies. Even though we've not seen Star Wars (any of them, ever), we like action, sci-fi and anything even remotely apocalyptic. But more often than not, we watch movies when we're feeling kind-of crappy, and in those times, only one genre will do: the romantic comedy, otherwise known as the "chick flick." Anything with Catharine Keener tops our list, but sometimes we sink low, and it is a fact that more than one of the ladies who write for this blog love the Bridget Jones movies, so it's no surprise that we're totally fine with Hollywood's chick flick surge. But the movie makers already know they have an audience in women; they're looking to expand it—to the men.

In New York and other locations, two of the most successful directors of the form — Nora Ephron and P. J. Hogan — are currently shooting what might pass for a couple of next-generation chick flicks. But those involved seem determined to avoid having that classification hung on their films, even if it is rooted in honest observation.

Ah yes, chick flicks with a twist. Cooking? Possibly. But shopping?

Mr. Hogan, who directed the 1997 hit “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” starring Julia Roberts, is filming “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” with Isla Fisher in the lead role, for Touchstone Pictures, owned by the Walt Disney Company. The film is based on a literary series that began with the British publication of Sophie Kinsella’s novel with that title in 2000, about a financial journalist with relationship problems and a penchant for overspending.

But the movie is not just for women, the filmmakers insist. “We all have spending habits, a lot of us do,” said Jerry Bruckheimer, one of the film’s producers, speaking by telephone last week.

“If we do our job right, this could be another ‘Wedding Crashers,’ ” added Mr. Bruckheimer, best known for testosterone-fueled entertainments including “Bad Boys” and the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy. He was referring to the 2005 comic hit that included Ms. Fisher, but actually starred Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as a couple of playboys who cruise weddings for easy sex — really not the stuff of chick flicks.

Ms. Ephron, for her part, is shooting “Julie & Julia,” with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep, for Columbia Pictures. In a complex exercise, it is based on both the life of the cooking enthusiast Julia Child and the 2005 book of the same title by Julie Powell, who, stuck in place as an office temp as she approached 30, spent a year whipping up every recipe in Ms. Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”

But that could be a guy thing, right? “We hope this will be a movie for everyone who likes eating,” said Laurence Mark (“Dreamgirls,” “Working Girl”), one of the film’s producers.

What say you, men?

[NYT: Wary Hollywood Plans More Chick Flicks (Hoping to Lure the Guys)]

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:49:00 GMT

You ever see a sex scene that turns you on and repulses you at the same time?

5. Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Secretary." Easily the #1 "Hottest on-screen sex scene" for females on Nerve personals, this would be way sexier for us dudes if Maggie Gyllenhaal was, um, actually hot. Nevertheless, this ends up being nasty in a good way, whereas we're not so sure about the rest of this list...

4. Speaking of Maggie, her whorish manueverings in "Sherrybaby" more than make up for her lack of hotness. The sex scenes in this 2006 indie downer are definitely guilty pleasures, as Jake's sis offers up a quid pro quo blow that turns us on and makes us feel guilty for it at the same time. Here's Gyllenhaal discussing the exhausting process of making the film, as if you care. And because this is what you really want, here are the boobies.

3. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me"-- remember this one? If you've seen the movie, you already know this refers to Laura Palmer getting nailed in her sleep by a mysterious figure and waking up to find out it's, barf, her Dad.

2. Carrie Fisher in "Return of the Jedi." We realized this when we saw the new posters for Spike's "Star Wars" marathon; Fisher is featured on one of them. It reminded us that seeing her chained to The Blob, i.e. Pizza the Hut, was majorly hot to us from age 8 through 26. Watch a montage here and remember why it gave you a funny feeling you didn't know you could have, way back in 1983.

1. "Tie Me Up Tie Me Down." Even the title of this Almodovar kink classic is erotic. Antonio Banderas, very pre-Melanie, kidnaps the object of his affections and lashes her to the bed. She realizes, partway through her ordeal, that he's Antonio Banderas and that maybe she wanted this after all. Once again, kind of nasty and erotic and repulsive in that "Talk To Her" kind of way (only way less offensive this time), Almodovar has a knack for turning us on and making us question whether we should be getting turned on. (Key line: "The only thing they left alone was my cock.")

Other nominees for nastiest sex scene ever included:

"Storytelling" (heartless, repulsive sex with your professor)
"Requim For A Dream" (2 girls + 1 toy)
"The Piano" (sex with Harvey Keitel in return for Oscar nomination?)
"My Beautiful Laundrette" (only nasty if you're some sort of homophobe who wouldn't normally get turned on by a young Daniel Day Lewis tearing some guy apart just because it's a guy instead of Lena Olin)
Natassja Kinski tied to a bed, having very hot sex, trying to keep her claws from coming out and tearing her boyfriend apart in "Cat People."

Steamed, Horny Gal Gets All "Episode 8.5: Revenge of the Ex" on "Star Wars" Obsessed XBF

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Best of Craigslist reminds us that despite the specific nature of General Dodonna's briefing before the Battle of Yavin, not every Star Wars nerd can successfully bullseye a gal's wamp rat with his snub fighter. (Yikes, that hurt typing. But you know what we mean, right?)

Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore
Date: 2008-01-25, 3:56AM EST

Dear Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend,

A few things as of late have come to light. The fact that you had an entire room dedicated to Star Wars should have been enough to make any sane girl run in the opposite direction, I somehow found it endearing. The fact that you couldn’t string two thoughts together in order to form a cohesive sentence should have made me giggle in your face, instead I patiently waited as you tried to sound like your IQ was above 87. Your crazy mom that decided to “pop in” and vacuum at one in the morning should have definitely made leave, but I stuck by your side. Your sexual inadequacies should have made me run to seek orgasm from another penis, instead I quietly masturbated in the bathroom after your pathetic attempts at coitus.

Now, lest you be concerned where this is going, rest assured: just like the Star Wars saga, in spite of some dramatic ups and downs, there is a happy ending. Also like the Star Wars saga: it involves a sore vagina, a thick, meaty penis, and a cum-splattered face. Yub nub!

[img via]

Kids: Never Compare a Woman to a Tauntaun

Bryan Christian — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:05:00 GMT

We'd say it's generally a good idea to avoid Star Wars analogies in love letters -- too much whining and incest for most people to think it's romantic -- but if we had one specific piece of advice regarding the subject to pass on to the youth of America, we'd have to say: never, under any circumstances, compare a girl to that warm, smelly beast that Han Solo slid Luke Skywalker into at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back. And please, please tell us that we don't have to explain why.

Click through for a prime example of how to terrify a lady, courtesy of the fine folks at Digg.

Star Wars Tattoos... and Shame

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 18:14:00 GMT

We have a confession to make: we've never seen "Star Wars." Any of them. Ever. We know it's kind-of shameful, and you're probably thinking "what business does she have writing a culture blog when she's never seen 'Star Wars?'" And you're right. But we figure since we've waited this long, why not wait until we have kids and experience it through the eyes of a child or some sappy B.S. like that? That said, we appreciate the effect that "Star Wars" has on people, the joy that fathers get out of teaching their sons about the good and bad guys, and we spent a good deal of 8th grade going around telling everyone we were their "fathah." Plus, there's this really great Pop Up Guide to the Galaxy that has a light-up Lightsaber in the back that we'll probably get our cousin for Christmas. So we're not totally in the dark here. And we really love tattoos, so we got pretty excited about the Top 10 Craziest Star Wars Tattoos.

[Via Force in the Flesh]

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpeter

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 18:00:00 GMT

This woman's trumpeting may not win her the title of Miss Arizona, but it will certainly win her a place in our hearts. Check the outfit, the choreography, and the passion. The performance is awesomeness with a side of greatness and extra bacon.