Scanner : std

Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Gizmodo has been spending too much time on Google, trying to figure out what idiots and teenagers and idiot teenagers are looking up on the internet search engine. The results, if you're feeling lucky, are after the jump...

Our favorites, compiled by typing things like "How to" or "I have a large" into the search bar and noting what Google auotfills, are below:

5,310,000 pages from people asking or answering: How to get pregnant.
• 69,400,000 people asking How to make money.
• 32,600,000: How to get over someone.
• 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me.
• 841,000: I have a large cat in my pants.
• 3,300,000: I have a large uterus.
• 112,000: I hate a lovely bunch of coconuts.
• 3,160,000: Why do I fart so much.
• 528,000: Why do indians smell.
• 63,500,000: Why do I sleep so much.
• 680,000: Why do I have green poop.
• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 11,000,000: Why women have affairs.
• 36,500,000: Why women lie.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants).
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.
• Almost 800,000,000: Who do I vote for.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife [114 million people are nuts]

Some we found on our own:

why i hated breaking dawn - 326,000 hits (um... what is Breaking Dawn?)

why i have to live - 1,340,000,000

my teacher has a crush on me - 467,000

i still wet the bed - 5,860,000

And more Gizmodo...

• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 610,000: I have four sides, all opposite sides are parallel, I have no right angles. What am I.
• 126,000,000: When to say I love you.
• 2,730,000: Sleep is for sissies.
• 2,890,000: I smeel like poop.
• 1,400,000: I have a hard time swallowing.
• 338,000: I have a big bag of crabs here.
• 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge.

Read the rest here.

We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

Model Suing Google Over Blogger's Mean Remarks

Reason #8,847 Not To Sleep With A Bali Hooker...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:03:00 GMT

This is one of the most bizarre family custody cases we've ever heard about.

It involves a man, a hooker, a mom, a five-year-old girl, a series of judges, one STD... and, hopefully, a happy ending... no pun intended...

According to Strollerderby, this is the story of:

1) Man in Australia gets married, his wife has a five-year-old daughter. Daughter contracts an unnamed STD.

2) Wife leaves man, saying he cheated on her and gave the daughter the STD. But how did he give the daughter the STD?

3) Man tells judge: "Hey Judge, it was nothing more than this ol' pro I rented out on vacation in Bali." Judge says: "Suck it, I'm taking your daughter away." (Actual transcripts unavailable.)

4) Man tells appellate court judge, "Dude, I was serious about that ol' pro thing. I think I gave the undisclosed STD to my daughter via a towel we shared one day." Judge: "Yep, that sounds about right" and gives the man custody again.

5) The internets throw a shitfit:

That a judge would put a child back in the home of a suspected molester without being 100 percent certain is creepy enough. But so is the fact that a number of STDs could easily be passed to a child - even, according to reputable health sources, by a shared towel.

Innocent until proven guilty, people. Of course, the guy deserves at least some punishment for cheating with a hooker in a foreign country while he had a wife and family back home-- when are people going to realize that cheating has major consequences for those around them?

Via Strollerderby.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lookin' For Asian Women

"I Seem To Have Forgotten To Bathe For Two Days"

Dear Margo Unsure What Sex Coupons Are

Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:00:00 GMT

At the risk of turning into Cosmo for the day, we're going to set the record straight about some things, since all of them are getting out of hand.

5) We are freaked out if you want to cook us dinner... on the second date. Back when Washington was copping his first feel under the cherry tree (ah, young love), it was not frowned upon for a woman being courted for marriage to prepare a meal for her chaperoned suitor. This trend, it seems, peaked most especially in the 1950s, arguably one of America's most conservative eras. So why is it that women these days are afraid of cooking so early on in a "courtship?" The country has grown ever more progressive, yet small tokens of affection have increasingly been put off to a more secure point in the relationship. If you find yourself dating a guy who might balk at a minuscule hint at romance on the second date, get out now.

4) Wanting to have a serious conversation in bed, especially after sex, is acceptable. We know it's been a long day, you worked late, and this our first chance to talk. Too bad-- wait till the next opportunity to bring up your unintended pregnancy, marriage plans (for me!), and anything else with the exception of STD's. Yes, after sex is a great time to bring those up... or, you know... before, whichever's more convenient for you.

3) Men love breast implants. And we can tell, ladies, because your boobs don't move-- and part of the appeal of boobs is that they can move. But more importantly than that, it's a real turnoff to learn a) you're seriously lacking self-confidence and b) you think you'll attract more/better mates with those things. You won't. Which kind of guys do you think are more likely to appreciate fake tits? Confident, successful, "keepers" or keg-standing douches? (Remember, kids: organic beats processed any day.)

2) The thinner, the better. Ladies, skinny or otherwise, it's not a biggie (really), but when we start to pay more attention to your ribcage and vertebrae than your hypnotic eyes and sensational personality, we will force a waffle cone of rocky road ice cream on you. You'll thank us for it when you realize how much healthier it is to avoid looking as grossly thin as Paris Hilton.

1) Men give a rat's bunghole what shoes you're wearing. Certainly not unless they are gnarly flip-flops exposing even gnarlier toes or a pair of hot high heels. If you asked us what our girlfriend's shoe closet looks like, we will look at you like you are a martian or, worse, a Ron Paul supporter.

Feel free to add numbers six and up in the comments...