Scanner : strippers

Hey Everyone, Let's Join the Sex Party

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:20:00 GMT

In November, right after the American Presidential election, we brought you word of an emerging (but subsequently little-noticed) political party in Australia: The Sex Party. Here's what we said:

In response to "moral campaigners and prudish politicians," Australia's open-minded citizens have decided to strike back.
On Thursday, the Great Down Under will announce the only political news worth reporting on: the launch of the fortunately-named Australian Sex Party. And no, it's not that key-exchange game your Mom told you about.

This week, Canada got in on that action with its very own-- and rather different-- Sex Party...

Although they were resoundly defeated in yesterday's parliamentary elections-- as if anyone knew they would be on the ballot-- the Sex Party of British Columbia has only just begun to (fuck or) fight. They have launched a real publicity blitz that is gaining national and, ultimately, worldwide attention, starting with its catchy slogan: "Sex is good. Let's make it better!"

"We're not running to get elected. Obviously it's impossible, especially in a first-past-the-post system that discriminates against small parties," said John Ince, a Vancouver sex shop owner and leader of the Sex Party.
The party's platform touts the benefits of a healthy sex life for personal growth and the betterment of society.
It proposes revamping the provincial education program to gradually encourage students' sexual activity, whereby extensive sexual experimentation would precede first intercourse.
Teens would learn the basics of healthy and satisfying sexual liaisons, such as trust, emotional intimacy, relaxation and verbal communication. They would be offered courses in erotic massage, and taught not to discriminate against gays or lesbians.
Furthermore, the Sex Party would require that all public parks and beaches larger than one hectare (2.5 acres) be designated areas for nudists in a bid "to normalize all parts of the human body and de-stigmatize human sexual organs."

Can you imagine that ever passing here in the next 500 years? Central Park overrun by nudists-- meaning, besides that "nudists" who walk up to you and expose themselves? Never gonna happen... but stranger things have happened in Canada and we'd certainly vote for a Sex Party candidate if we could...

It promises to make it easier for the elderly living in long-term care facilities to have sex, for example, by instituting training for "specialized sexual care nurses."
"Other politicians don't want to discuss these kinds of issues. It's very scary to them," commented Scarlett Lake. The former exotic dancer who now owns an escort service is one of three Sex Party candidates in this election.
She proposes changing Victoria Day, a statutory holiday in Canada that celebrates the birthday of Queen Victoria, who reigned during an era of prudery in Britain, to "Eros Day" for the Greek mythological god of lust and intercourse.

"Specialized sexual care nurses" as part of its platform... ex-strippers/escort Madams-turned candidates... making Victoria Day the Crazy Lust and Greek Sex Orgy day... all that is bound to garner a few token votes. Unfortunately, for now, that's all they're likely to get...

This photo of John Ince, the group's founder, is just begging for a "Caption This."

Via AFP.

Related:

Introducing the Australian Sex Party...

Way to F Up the Swingers Party, Dude

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Playboy Mansion Visit Not Enough Incentive For Stoned Teenage Boys Anymore

Italy's Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over...

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

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Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Coke Ad Offends the Entire Country of Sweden

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama In Big Trouble

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Scanners Brian, Emily, and Colleen were at the Bust Party at SXSW last night, during which Dinosaur, Jr. made a surprise appearance. Needless to say, blogging will be slow this morning, with more activity later on...

The man himself-- Bruce Springsteen-- did The Daily Show.

This guy didn't realize everyone on the train he was supposed to be operating could see his penis.

Unfortunately, most of the spectators probably enjoyed this "catfight," in which boobs were bared.

We missed out on the news that PETA celebrated St. Patrick's Day in their own special way.

We heard about the topless bar in Austin that was busted for featuring a sixteen-year-old girl.

Seth Rogen calls his own back hair "glorious."

Barack Obama needs to stop making jokes. About anyone and anything-- it's making him sound more out of touch than Al Gore.

And right-wing crazies at WorldNet Daily believe teens are drinking poison to induce abortions. What do you think?

While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Is Brilliant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:02:00 GMT

Howard Stern is understandably upset that the media thinks he's involved in this Anna Nicole Smith debacle.

We're not thrilled about the cast of the upcoming Beat Generation movie, although at least James Franco is in it.

As of this writing, in the wee hours of the morning Texas time, we're not sure what Natasha Richardson's condition is.

Forced entrepreneurship: the buzzword/phrase of 2009.

While Usher's wife recovers from botched plastic surgery, the singer... parties with strippers.

A pregnant woman, busted for her 7th DWI, went straight to the bar after her hearing.

Joan Rivers talked dildos on the Today Show a few days ago.

Who knew that George W. Bush would become such an eloquent, respectable elder statesman?

We love Judge Judy more and more every day.

Wanted: 20 More Vadge Volunteers

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

PETA Gives Up, Decides to Just Have All-Stripper Campaigns

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:29:00 GMT

PETA has unveiled its latest ad campaign. No, it doesn't involve celebrities prancing around in the buff. No, it doesn't involve random overzealous protesters prancing around in the buff.

For the first time ever, PETA has used professional naked people for its print campaign...

The girls of Rick's Cabaret are getting naked... and not for tips.

[T]he new "We'd rather go topless than wear Fur" advertisement featur[es] seven topless vixens from Rick's Cabaret, the only publicly-traded chain of gentlemen's clubs.

"Compassion is a big turn-on, but fur-wearers leave me cold," says Alicia, one of the women featured. "By showing some of our skin, we hope to save animals' skins." [Radar]

Is anyone ever convinced by these ads? Will there be more vegetarians or more customers at the nation's Rick's Cabarets as a result of this ad?

Related:

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

PETA Takes On Foie Gras, Valentine's Day, Decency Laws

PeTA: Again With Thinking Sex Sells Unpopular Idea

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:12:00 GMT

We don't know how we missed this when it aired (and we can't believe no one sent it to us!).

Saturday Night Live is all about the Cougars this season. So it's no surprise they'd cash in on Barbie's 50th birthday. Cougar Barbie comes with dream Botox and she pole dances to the smooth stylings of Steve Perry.

Related:

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

[Via The Frisky]

VIDEO: Alyssa Milano as Marisa Tomei in Wrestler Takeoff

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 18:55:00 GMT

Funny or Die made a quality spoof of the trailer for The Wrestler. The theme? The economy. Instead of a down-on-his-luck wrestler, we have a down-on-his-luck Uncle Sam. Alyssa Milano plays Marisa Tomei's part, or Lady Liberty. It was about time-- it had been almost two seconds since an actress played a stripper with a heart of gold.

The Uncler w/ Uncle Sam and Alyssa Milano from Alyssa Milano

Related:

Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Dare to Dream, Girls: High School Offers Pole Dance Demo

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:35:00 GMT

A high school in Paignton, England offered a lesson in pole dancing during a recent lunch break as part of Be Healthy Week. The demo was given by 32-year-old instructor Sam Remmer from the pole-dancing company The Art of Dance, in a public area of the school.

Students in the crowd made videos with their cell phones, and presumably something like the teen craze "sexting" ensued. As did staff complaints. The second demo was moved inside to the gym.

Remmer gave these lessons for free on the condition she could post her own videos online, and that's where this situation gets even more problematic. The school asked her to take down her videos, and she took down the videos that showed students, but not others in the gym, and defends herself thusly:

"Mrs Remmer said unless people are educated in the differences between modern fitness pole dancing and lap dancing then negative stereotypes will not go away," reports the Sun. "She said pole dancing is appropriate for young teenagers at school as it is a mix of dance moves and gymnastics and is excellent for fitness."

And, for some, it teaches a profitable, if short-term, career skill!

Scanner Highs and Lows: Puppies, Babies and Pole Dancing

Video of the Day: NYC Subway Pole Dancing

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Princess Eugenie, An Amateur Stripper, Is Our Favorite Female Royal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Last June, we reported on Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York's nude rampage. The daughter of Sarah Ferguson from Weight Watchers and some British dude has been trying to publicly top herself ever since-- because you know the Queen likes nothing better than to hear about her heirs getting all liquored up and running wild in the streets...

Her Royal Rockness spent Thursday night partying past dawn at a London gentleman's club-- the London's Sophisticats** Gentleman's Club, that is.

The princess giggled as she watched a brunette dancer perform a raunchy routine for one of her male friends, before standing up and dancing next to her table with a pal.
Eugenie then asked if she could get on stage and strut her stuff on the pole.
A source told Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper: "Because of health and safety regulations she was told she would not be allowed unless she was employed by the club and had undergone training on the pole, like all their dancers. It was all done very tongue-in-cheek and Eugenie took it in good spirits."

Eugenie, 18, is so wealthy, she's not only able to start her weekends one night early, but she can afford a £20 lapdance. (£20 converts to about "three times the average American's checking account.)

The royal was accompanied by her Police Protection Officer, who sat at a neighbouring table watching the teenager. [Royal Watch]

We have a sinking suspicion he may have been enjoying his job for the first time...

Related:

Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

Dita's New Nude Revue

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 19:50:00 GMT

Pack a beret and pick up a smoking habit: Scanner dream girl (some want to do her some want to be her) Dita Von Teese is gearing up for a two-week nude revue at the Crazy Horse Saloon in Paris.

"I feel that Paris is a place that still appreciates its showgirls," she told Reuters in an interview before a two-week run at the celebrated Crazy Horse theater from February 1.

Von Teese, a familiar figure at the Paris couture shows, has carved a peculiar niche over the years, leading the way as burlesque has grown from simple striptease to becoming an established part of the fashion world.

Two years ago she emerged from a rhinestone-encrusted bubblebath as the first guest star at the Crazy Horse but the new show will have more specially designed numbers, including two songs she has recorded herself.

"I feel I have to raise the bar," she said.

The Crazy Horse has been a Paris institution since 1951, regularly drawing celebrities like Madonna or fashion designer Jean-Paul Gaultier to see its dancers strut the stage in little more than fluorescent wigs and strobe lights.

"I've always had a real fascination with the Crazy Horse ever since I was a teenager and I found a picture of this line of nearly nude toy soldiers standing at attention," she said, referring to the trademark parade that opens the nightly show.

"I wanted to do something more elaborate this time," she said. "Combine the Crazy Horse style with what I do which is classic American burlesque."

We think you can make reservations here. But then again, we failed French. Twice.

[Yahoo: Dita von Teese back at Paris revue]

Related:

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy - the Sequel

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

Dita Von Teese Graces Us With These Playboy Photos

Sloppy Seconds: Dita Von Teese's Lesbian Porno

We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Did anyone else see this train wreck, pictured above, who somehow manage to squeak by the competition and land a trip to Hollywood? Not only did she skank it to the max to highlight her vocal shortcomings, but then she tried to make out with Ryan Seacrest-- twice. Bleech.

30.1 million people tuned in for Tuesday night's season premiere of American Idol. Among those who were not watching-- patrons at the Austin bar The Palazio Men's Club, who had better things to do...

(Sure, the contest is on Thursday nights, but it's not like the patrons were watching Fox the other night, what with glorious stripping right in front of them.)

American Idol's lawyers, who apparently have infinite amounts of money and time, decided to shut down the Texas competition which pits amateur topless females in 60-second strip-offs for a cash prize of $500. (That's it? Hell, strippers used to make $500 a night each... and now there'll only be one and everyone else gets zilch?) The bored lawyers claim that the "color scheme, design and font" of the Austin competition is too similar to the Fox one-- we're sure it's identical, but that's not the point-- and then this gem:

"There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

Right. Grandma who wants to see another Jordan Sparks wannabe is going to go to a bar, thinking that the show is no longer on TV, and will somehow miss that the word "American" has been changed to "STRIPPER." Of course, the judge will side with whomever has the highest-paid lawyers, so Texas is screwed again.

Related:

Famous A-hole Puts His Name Where It Doesn't Belong... Again

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Happy Belated Birthday to Porn Star Ginger Lynn

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:29:00 GMT

You may not believe this absolutely true story about having 69 on our 18th birthday with porn star Ginger Lynn, but we'll tell it to you anyway...

Ginger Lynn, who turned 46 on Sunday, performed at a strip club in Connecticut on my 18th birthday and brought meup onstage to perform fifty pushups from the 69 position, with my face planted securely in her crotch. The entire audience counted each pushup out loud, just to make sure I knew they were there, leering. Then she gave me her wet T-shirt, which I subsequently lost.

As Ginger tells us to this day, "I'm so glad I can say I took your virginity on your eighteen birthday." Little does she know...

Happy birthday, Miss Lynn... keep on truckin', much as you did in this classic Metallica video:

Related:

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

Memo to the Telegraph: If You Cover Up, You're Not Naked

(Bonkers) Woman Ejected From Giants Game For Big Boobs

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Video from Vegas: The Sarah Palin Lookalike Contest

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:49:00 GMT

A strip club in Las Vegas held a Sarah Palin lookalike contest last night, and as you might expect a bunch of women with brunete up-dos flaunted American flag bikini's, shot guns and Tina Fey glasses.

Watch the video at TMZ.

Related:

How the Hell Did We Miss the Ashley Alexandra Dupre Lookalike Contest?

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Jude Law's new girlfriend is posing nude for the upcoming edition of Playboy in France.

If this guy keeps winning elections, maybe there isn't any reason to vote.

A conservative Canadian mayor is finding out that just because those nude photos of her made headlines over five years ago, people are still going to bring them up when she runs for higher office. Uncensored photo below:

A man in Monticello, New York is in jail after asking a random thirteen-year-old girl if she would mind posing nude for his camera phone. The reason we're pointing this story out is this: he was apprehended after a bunch of passerby, who heard him propose the same setup to a (legal) woman, became an angry mob and chased him into someone's house.

Perhaps you've heard of them, but we haven't: several English celebrities are posing nude for charity.

Hear about that attorney who had his client pay off part of her debt by doing stripteases? Surprise-- he was a cheapskate.

Speaking of quid pro quo arrangements: a staff member of a Utah high school plead to a reduced charge in his beer-for-nude-photos-of-the-boys-who-wanted-beer scandal.

Detroit's City Council President is now the city's new Mayor, following his predecessor's sex scandal, jail sentence, and eventual resignation.

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Today in WTF: Female Stripper Charged With Raping Customer

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Diablo Cody: My Hero

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:02:00 GMT

And not just because she has amazing tattoos and spent a good deal of her life with silicon toys up her ass. Well, okay, silicon toys have a little something to do with it.

Diablo Cody recently "reached out" to her critics via her MySpace blog:

...I am not Charlie Kaufman or Sofia Coppola (much as I supplicate at their Cannes-weary feet.) I'm not Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm not even Paul W.S. Anderson. I am middle-class trash from the Midwest. I'm a competent nonfiction writer, an admittedly green screenwriter, and a product of Hollywood, USA. I am "Diablo Cody" and if you're not a fan, go rent Prospero's Books again and leave me the fuck alone.

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and-- with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it...

This is the last I have to say on the subject, unless I'm provoked by a journalist in which case I'll gladly reload. With relish, as Betty Rizzo might say. That said, I'm a 30-year-old woman with a dwindling interest in blog culture, and I don't have time to address this bullshit every time one of my projects comes out. I'm in love, I just bought a house, and my boss made E.T. I kind of have to focus on reality.

And drinking. I have to focus on drinking.

In case you're wondering, we haven't even seen Juno. Not because we don't want to, or becuase people tell us it's "pretentious." We just don't see movies very often. We're pretty sure we'd like it (save the "honest to blog" line). Perhaps we'll rent it on iTunes tonight. After we find a way to get Diablo Cody to buy us a beer—or four.

[via Jezebel]

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:44:00 GMT

Hey, he's a got a right to blow off some steam... and some other things...

Radar writer Neel Shah (yes, that's how he spells it) stumbled, perhaps drunkenly, on Michael Phelps' Vegas Vacation the other night and snapped some naughty photos of him...

Why are they naughty? Because, dude, you're not supposed to do this to strippers...

We're not sure what the rules are at The Playboy Club, where these photos were allegedly taken, but for the crime of sexually molesting a dancer, most people would've been taken into one of those infamous strip bar backrooms for a game of arm wrestling, in which customers always to Manny The Grip. Speaking of grips:

"It was unreal," says Neel. "Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over... I've never seen such an aggressive grip."

By the way, we're not saying he's a scumbag or anything, just pointing out that maybe we should look at this from the stripper's point of view. Rarely do they enjoy being touched, although in this case, they may have made a patriotic exception...

Via Radar.

Related:

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

If a Wardrobe Falls on a Stripper and No One is Around To Hear It....

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 13:56:00 GMT

This video of an earnest stripper (exotic dancer?) had us thinking, "why is it so funny when strippers fall down?" It also had us thinking it might be fake, but either way, it's pretty hilarious — though we hope no amateur strippers were harmed during filming.

Utilitarian Stripper Shoes: Finally!

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:47:00 GMT

There are two occasions on which we wear heels: when we absolutely have to and when we want to get laid (however the latter only seems to happen when we're wearing dirty socks and haven't shaved our legs in two days). So we've can't say we've ever been into stripper shoes. Because even when we do wear heels, they're, like, two inches high. Maybe we're rebelling against the fact that our grandmother used to tell us we should always sacrifice comfort for beauty. But probably because we're just lazy.

However, we do understand why strippers wear stripper shoes and if wearing heels meant that we would make money, we'd probably be into it. So we're trying to figure out if these particular stripper shoes would go well with our blue jeans and gray V-neck t-shirt (that we wear pretty much every day). What do you think? perhaps we could be a tad more discreet about it...

[The Reverse Cowgirl: Stripper Nation]

Sloppy Seconds: Ben Affleck's "Big Regret" Involves JLo's Big Booty

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:46:00 GMT

A biologist who discovered a new arachnid named the new species of trapdoor spider after his favorite musician. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. [Yahoo!]

The View's Joy Behar wants to feel the knob, but draws the line at licking the knob. [Jezebel]

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are apparently "really into each other." [Us]

Little Matilda Rose Ledger looks more and more like her daddy everyday. We don't know if this will be a good thing when she's all grown up, but for now she's so freaking cute. [FameCrawler]

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are either engaged or they're not. [Hello!]

Tila Tequila is on the cover of "Blender" probably because her single "Stripper Friends" is a big hit with the kids these days? Oh wait, we've never heard it. [Hollywood Tuna]

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is "boring," but she looks hot on the cover of GQ, even if it is Photoshopped. [E!]

When talking about his past relationship with Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck said his "one big regret" was that he appeared the video for her single "Jenny From the Block" in which he rubbed suntan lotion on her booty. Funny, we imagine that would be most men's big goal. [GabbyBabble]

[Image]

Where Have All the Strippers Gone?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

According to this article in the Toronto Star, gone are the days when strip clubs saw a $20 in every g-string and a dancer on every lap...at least in Toronto. It seems the number of strippers in the city has declined from 2,834 in 1998 to 1,254 certified strippers in 2007. But what could be causing the rapid decline of the exotic dance industry?

Ask those running the GTA strip joints why their dancers are exiting stage right and they offer these explanations:

The prevalence of free porn on the Internet.

The influx of illegal massage parlours.

The federal crackdown on foreign dancers.

The cost of the burlesque licences.

Once again, the Internet is shutting down Mom and Pop businesses and robbing another industry of the personal connection and familiarity it formerly thrived on. Hear that PornoTube, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:56:00 GMT

Forget what we told you about Wii Fit, which is already sold out in the UK and will soon be sold out here (although it isn't even on sale yet): the new #1 game of all time is going to be this: Wii Strip.

According to ABC News, Peekaboo, a company that makes at-home DIY-stripper poles (such as the one pictured above-- model MILF not included), is in talks with Nintendo to make your boyfriend's dreams a reality...

"Look, baby, it says on the box that it'll replace your regular workout." And fulfill the fantasy I had planned for myself since the age of 12: to have a live-in stripper perform for me every night, he does not add. He could also lift this direct quote from analyst Anita Frazier* for help with his pleading:

"There are strippercise [fully clothed] classes taught in gyms … and it has been a rising fitness trend over the last few years," she said. "It's really just an exercise trend." [ABC]

This gives a whole new idea too complicated to explain here. We will say, however, that it involves the Wii's vibrating remote....

Previously: Wii Fit Will Make Your Gym Membership Obsolete

*A woman! (And just so you know, ladies, we fully understand that this can come in handy for, um, getting your man "in shape." This kind of ploy works both ways... Link Via ABC News.

Fess Up: One of You Out There LOVES VirtuaGirlHD

Bryan Christian — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:39:00 GMT

AVN is reporting that VirtuaGirlHD -- which is apparently some sort of full-frontal screensaver -- "has drawn 1.25 million users since its release in January" and is ready to hit the 3-million mark before the summer.

VirtuaGirlHD delivers a new model to users' Windows desktops every morning in high-definition resolution. The model says "Hi," strips and reminds users of appointments. To view full nudity, viewers are required to pay for a $12.95 monthly membership.

Now if we carried the "1" correctly, those numbers mean approximately "some" of you are shelling out the $12.95 a month tab to ditch your Flying Toasters or whatever for some racier. So fess up: what's it like? We'd never install anything having to do with nudity on a Windows box -- why not just ram some hot Melissa worm into our ethernet holes while you're at it! -- but maybe it's worth it?

Stripper Pole Brailled For Art's Pleasure

Bryan Christian — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:25:00 GMT

Hmmmm... Although we admire the artistic conceit here -- embossing a gentlemen's club fixture with a Braille description of a striptease, thus assigning a tactile narrative to something that is often beyond the reach of its audience -- we also can't get past the fact that artists Anetta Mona Chisa & Lucia Tkacova have basically created the world's most diseased-looking stripper pole. Or maybe that's part of the gag?

Sh*t We Want - Wait, No - Need in Our Bedrooms

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:03:00 GMT

This is a John Wayne nightlight. 'Nuf Said.

And after the jump, shit we don't ever want or need in our bedrooms...

Waking up to this stripper alarm clock seems scarier than the time we came to underneath the bar at Baby Doll's reaking of gin, dirty thongs, and lost dignity. Not a moment we're anxious to relive at 8.45 every morning.

(shit via Nerd Approved)

Guess All Those Strippers Fatally Obscured The Allure Of Vegan Food

Bryan Christian — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Hey, remember when we told you about that Portland strip club that was attempting to mix vegan cuisine with naked ladyparts? Yeah, well, according to Fleshbot, you can currently find it up for sale. So sorry, Johnny Diablo; we thank you for the memory, and we're sure Portland thanks you for the mammaries.

This really leaves us with only one question: which one of you lucky Pacific Northwest strip clubs is gonna pony up for the services of that lovely lady up there, huh? God, we've been crushing on her for, like, weeks. Not that we've ever seen her at her job or anything -- but we can almost guarantee you that she won't come in to work smelling like beef!

[via Fleshbot]

Jenna Jameson as Brain-Eating Zombie...Stripper

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:37:00 GMT

For this one, the tags say it all: Jenna Jameson; zombie; strippers; movie trailer; brain-eating. The movie Zombie Strippers may not be rocket science, but it's what Scanner was created for and it's got Robert Englund.

Today in Page Six: Naomi Campbell, Prince, Joe Francis, Unnamed Penthouse Pet

Bryan Christian — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

We found ourselves with a bunch of items coming from Page Six, so we thought we'd group them into one big easy-to-digest, Rupert-Murdoch-lovin' compendium. Hail the Dark Lord!

-- PageSix.com reports that Fox Noise is reporting that Naomi Campbell has reported to a Sao Paolo hospital reporting an as-yet-unreported infection. We report report report, but report she report report!

-- We would totally have watched the Oscars if Prince had invited us to his viewing party. Actually, no, strike that -- it was a post-Oscars party. Also, we'd probably have just watched all the strippers instead.

-- Joe Francis is planning a monthly, PG-13 print version of his Nobel Prize-winning Girls Gone Wild series. Since it sounds like a sure fire way to bore and confound his hardcore fans, we have to assume he's doing it for the same reason that they're putting Kool-Aid into cocaine these days: to get the kiddies hooked.

-- Penthouse Pets are such big sluts that they'll make out with someone mere moments after having sex with another man. To be fair, though, Bachelor Number Two was a journalist, so he had no chance of closing the deal anyway.

Reason Number 379 To Hate The New York Post: They Made the Oscars About Diablo Cody's Stripper Tattoo

Emily Farris — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:04:00 GMT

In case you've forgotten, we're mad at The New York Post—so mad, in fact, that we called for a sex boycott of anyone who reads the paper. Well, hey, remember The Oscars? That big awards show/party last night everyone got all dressed up for and is still talking about? Of course, The Post found a way to make it about all Diablo Cody—the former exotic dancer turned screenwriter—and her super scandalous tattoos, with a cover shot of her pretty fucking cool ink and a headline that read "Who's Tat Girl! Pretty-in-ink former stripper wins for 'Juno.' Then they ran a picture making it look like she was giving Mr. Oscar head...

We'll admit. We would have loved this image on the cover of just about any other publication. Except for this line "And the shocker Oscar went to... a sharp-tongued, tattooed, former stripper who glorified a sassy, pregnant teen and her geeky boyfriend..." That's fucking right.

[New York Post via Gawker]

Video of the Day: "Pussycat Preacher" Trailer

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:46:00 GMT

God is everywhere, right? Even on a pole? According to the Pussycat Preacher, a stripper turned prostyletizer, he is. Even better is the "Hooker for Jesus" who compares gluttony to prostitution. "Why aren't we pointing out physical sins that we physically see?" She does make a good point.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

We wonder what the Mormons think of this.

Excuse us while we go bust out some Joan Osborne.

[The Pussycat Preacher]

(Thanks, Sarah!)