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Tina Fey Was On Sesame Street?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

It was over two years ago, but you think we'd remember something this good.

Luckily, Jezebel and Strollerderby broke out the video yesterday to remind us of it. The occasion? The Sesame Street DVD from that season will be out on Tuesday. Hopefully, this video will stay up on YouTube until then. (And, by the way, never let it be said that Tina Fey can't act. She manages to keep a straight face during all this nonsense.)

Related:

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Feist Is Very Well-Qualified to Teach Counting on Sesame Street

Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?

Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”

"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”

Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

Related:

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Colorado Kids Want to Write About Sex and No One Can Stop Them

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Caroline Kennedy, who seems to be losing steam in her quest for the Senate, supports gay marriage.

There has been a 16% rise in violence against gays and lesbians this year, while 2007 had already seen a 16% rise over '06, according to the author of this story about a woman gang-raped in San Francisco for having a rainbow sticker on her car.

Strollerderby reported on the principal who censored a student's pro-gay rights paper...

Students at the Academy for Arts, Science & Technology near Carolina Forest have traditionally printed their paper on their own, using funds from ad sales to cover the cost of printing the quarterly paper. But when administrators, including Principal Ronnie Burgess, saw the picture of two male students holding hands and an editorial advocating for same-sex marriage, they told the kids the paper couldn't be distributed. They offered $500 in school funds to reprint the paper - without the editorial and picture.
Burgess said he was afraid the original paper would be "disruptive."
"I had some concerns about the content of the article and how it might impact students here and what the community concerns might be when the article was distributed," he told the Myrtle Beach-based Sun News. I'm not surprised that an administrator is afraid of community backlash (even homophobic, small-minded backlash), but what floors me is the rest of Burgess' statement to the paper: "At the academy we encourage diversity, we don't look to silence student voices, we hope to facilitate their expression."

Queen guitarist Brian May was the only person on earth who didn't know his lead singer, Freddie Mercury, was a homosexual.

Arizona's activists aren't taking state-sanctioned bigotry lying down.

"Mommy and Mama Now Legal In New York," at least on the birth certificates of kids born of gay parents in the state.

75% of Americans support gay marriage and/or civil unions, while 63% support strengthening hate crime laws.

And a court in Brighton, England ruled that a straight man can be considered "sexually harassed" over gay jokes even if he is not gay himself.

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Today in WTF: Gay Teens Much More Likely To Get Pregnant

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

A widely-publicized murder trial took a grimly hilarious tour when it was revealed the man in question had left a list in his FEMA trailer that detailed his plans for getting away with it. Best one: "Throw gun in river."

Eminem has released his first new song in ages.

Dr. Strangelove, like 1984, is becoming a reality: a single prank call almost started a war between India and Pakistan. Not funny, guys.

You wanna steal my husband? Well, says Shania Twain, I'm a-gonna steal yours...

A male babysitter was arrested for producing a sex tape involving a two-year-old girl.

We love myths, hoaxes and just plain idiocy: Strollerderby wants you to know that your vagina will not seal up if you don't use it for sex very often.

And Bettie Page, the now-85-year-old former pinup, had a heart attack over the weekend and is in critical condition, according to the New York Times.

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Oh the humanity! This guy and his wife spent about $20,000 to get pregnant while this one-year-old in Saudi Arabia is sort-of magically pregnant.

How'd it happen?

Apparently it's another case of sibling just absorbing another in the womb.

According to Medical Science Report, “When the mother of this child was pregnant, she had 2 fetuses inside her. But one of the fetus grew inside the other, this why this girl was born with the other fetus inside her womb.”

[Strollerderby: Pregnant 1-Year-Old]

Related:

Let There Be Babybook

Abortion Rates are the Lowest They've Been in 30 Years and Nobody Knows Why?

Sloppy Seconds: Special Pregnancy Edition

File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

Caption This: George Bush Chest Bump

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

George Bush gave a cadet a chest bump at a Colorado Air Force graduation ceremony last week. Hopefully, none of the AWOL President's ethics and commitment to this country will rub off...

Via Strollerderby and Profiles Blog.

Babies at Babeland: Wrong for So Many Reasons

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Babeland, for those not familiar with bi-costal, female friendly sex shops, is a bi-costal, female friendly sex shop we must give its proper respect (pictured is their Lower East Side store). You can pick up a very effective and reasonably priced Archer Wand and no one will perv on you at the check out.

But Babeland may have taken tolerance and warm fuzzies too far with the opening of their new "baby friendly" Park Slope, Brooklyn store. Park Slope, for those not familiar, is often accused of being run by a stroller mafia, and the new Babeland is hell bent on cornering the sex toys for sexy mamas market. According to the owner Claire Cavanah “Strollers will be welcome in the store and we are putting a changing table in the bathroom in case the little one needs a diaper change while you're shopping."

Maybe we’re in denial, but when shopping for lube and Ben Wah Balls the last thing we want to do is be reminded that sex=babies as we trip over a stroller. But perhaps it's just a genius plot to sell moreo Kimono microthins.

What Exactly Is Dora Exploring These Days?

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:53:00 GMT

Sex toy or child's play?

[StrollerDerby: Top 9 Puzzling Dora Toys]

Scanner : strollerderby

Tina Fey Was On Sesame Street?

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Feist Is Very Well-Qualified to Teach Counting on Sesame Street

Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Colorado Kids Want to Write About Sex and No One Can Stop Them

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

How The World Watches Porn Now

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Today in WTF: Gay Teens Much More Likely To Get Pregnant

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them

Let There Be Babybook

Abortion Rates are the Lowest They've Been in 30 Years and Nobody Knows Why?

Sloppy Seconds: Special Pregnancy Edition

File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

Caption This: George Bush Chest Bump

Babies at Babeland: Wrong for So Many Reasons

What Exactly Is Dora Exploring These Days?