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New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:35:00 GMT

A friend sent us a link to the New York Daily News review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which doesn't say much of anything about the movie besides giving it one star.Hell, it doesn't even take that snoozer of a title to task.

What's notable about the story is what happens in the comments section: a flamewar starts among a whole slew of people who have never even seen the damn movie...

The opening lines pretty cover it-- typical movie critic putdown coupled with proof positive the movie blogs wolf balls:

The signature moment — done four times! — from "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is an overhead shot of Hugh Jackman with his arms and metallic blades outstretched, screaming as the camera pulls away.

It's the perfect response to this slice-and-dice superhero fiasco.

The remainder of the review contains no more hope for X-Men freaks:

We see Wolverine get a motorcycle, have his memory erased and gain his knuckle-knives.

We watch as he loves, loses and lumberjacks. What's never captured is why we should care.

You would think the fans would ignore this or at least say, "Well, that doesn't sound promising, but I'll reserve judgment until I actually watch this film." No such luck for Joe Neumaier, who receives a drubbing worse than Hugh Jackman's acting chops:

Aw this hack writer just wants to be the first one to have the negative review out there. Who needs reviewers? I go see what I want to see, I can honestly say I have NEVER let a critics opinion sway me seeing a film. It's art so the beauty is in the eye of teh beholder, not the critic.

Critics are lame and they don't actually do anything. They just make their living talking about what someone else does... a parasite of sorts. Make a career change baldy and do something real! "The credit in life goes not to the critic who stands on the sideline and points out where the strong stumble. But rather, the real credit in life goes to the person who's actually in the arena." Theodore Roosevelt

His Mother probably ripped up all his old comics... let's see what he says about, "Earth" from Disney, probably rave reviews and he'll use the free tickets he gets to take the family to Disney World.

Mr. Movie Critic, sir. Please tell us why on earth should we listen to your opinion? Is it because you have spent years studying the finer points of film and are the closest thing to an expert there is? Why don't you share some of your top movie picks so that the rest of us can trash them? Why do movie critics even exist. In these stressful economic times, that is one thing we could defnitely live without.

To the lame critic all I have to say is...Shrrrrirnggggg!! True fans and fans who don't give 2 s**ts about this cornball's review know exactly what this sound means and where we'll be on Friday.

Critic=Mutant Hater.

THis is about the only review that had something ad to say about this movie. I know sooo many people that have seen the bootleg and still plan to go watch it on the big screen. Ive had the dvd in my player for a week, but i wont watch it. Ive been waiting for this movie for soo long. This reviewer sure doesnt know what he's talking about.

Remember, no one here claims to have seen the finished cut of the film (the download doesn't count, since it's an incomplete version.) Wonder what they'll think when the movie comes out and breaks their iron little hearts...

Via the NY Daily News.

This Week in Online Dating

The Dangers of the Snuggie

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson's Mistresses

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:31:00 GMT

Why are there snakes on this motherfuckin' plane?

Child labor is real and undeniably so after these photographs.

A woman turned the tables on a man who tried to rob her: she made him her sex slave.

Hey that woman from the Dominos story turns out to be a sex offender.

Will Ferrell did Man Vs. Wild.

The stupidest quote of the year is officially Hulk Hogan saying he "totally understands OJ."

Another reason to not get implants: the doctor might be using veterinary equipment.

Rush Limbaugh's ten dumbest quotes. How ever did they narrow it down? How ever did they listen to it long enough to hear all these?

And the Mel Gibson mistresses are starting to come out of the works.

American Woman: The Presidential Mistress

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

CW11 The Only News Outlet To Fall For An April Fool's Prank

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:32:00 GMT

Last night, the CW11 in New York City reported that the group Improv Everywhere had staged one of their pranks on an unsuspecting grieving family. That's right, the CW11 actually believed that doing this on April Fool's Day meant these crazy kooks just showed up at somebody's funeral and messed with them.

This clip has to be seen to be believed. Check out more about the stunt here.

The First Thing We Needed First Thing This Morning

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

This stupid and hilarious video perfectly encapsulates our feelings this morning.

Since it's only 25 seconds long, we won't make this any longer than it has to be: Does that goat sound like Eddie Murphy doing Donkey's voice in Shrek or what? By the way, this also reminds us of what we used to hear through our former roommate's wall-- perhaps he was watching this on repeat?

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Miss March Missing Something... Oh Yeah, Nudity

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Have you heard that there's a new movie called Miss March by two guys from the Whitest Kids You Know? We sure as hell didn't.

Apparently, it's about the war between abstinence and promiscuous, rampant, glorious sex...

In an interview with The Knoxville News-Sentinel, of all sources, writer/co-director/star Zach Cregger discusses his B-comedy's place in the debate. Creger, playing Eugene, a guy about to give in to his hot girlfriend's demands that they have sex on prom night, ends up falling down a flight of stairs and cracking his head open. He winds up in a coma for four years, emerging only to find out that his girlfriend is now the Playboy centerfold for the month of March. Somehow, this leads to a road trip to the Playboy Mansion... and a rendezvous with sexual destiny:

"It's basically about what I was like in my youth," says the 27-year-old Cregger, who wrote, co-directed and stars in the teen comedy, in theaters Friday. "He is very pro-abstinence, very polarized on the topic of sex. He's very puritanical."
"There is a message in the movie," says Cregger, who is single but in a committed relationship, "but it's not about not waiting."

Tucker "has an equally unrealistic view about sex," Cregger says. "He wants to have sex with as many people as possible before marriage."

Then what is Cregger's movie trying to say? "There's so many different ways to look at sex, all equally as unhealthy," he says. "There is a middle ground, and you have to let some of these things go sometimes."

Cregger says "Miss March" also shines a bit of light on subjects rarely talked about. For instance, "sometimes," he says, "guys are afraid of sex."

You can read the rest of the story here and check out the trailer here. Miss March opens tomorrow in select cities.

Who Would You Rather: Seth Rogen vs. Seth Rogen?

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Better or Worse Than Abstinence-Only Education?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:01:00 GMT

[Via BigStupidIdiot.com]

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

I don't really like doing shots. I can get out of them pretty easily by recounting what happened last time I threw back tequila from a tiny glass: "I tried to make out with a girl and threw up in a cab." But I have nothing on Andy Dick who took bodily functions in automobiles to a whole new level when he was wasted.

“When I drink I turn into a moron,” the former comedian tells Entertainment Tonight. “I think I’m being funny and clever, but I look back on the video tape and I border on retardation. People see me as a very easy target and they just make fun of me. It’s horrible, actually. It’s like making fun of a mentally handicapped person, because I am when I have that much alcohol inside of me.”

So when did he “hit bottom”? “Sitting in the back of the cop car urinating all over myself, crying, blowing my nose into my own shirt,” he recalls. “It was incomprehensible demoralization. I also had in one day, my agent, my manager and my publicist say ‘Sayonara!’ That still didn’t stop me.”

[Via Faded Youth]

Related:

Andy Dick And Steven Page: Today In C-List Celeb Arrests

**"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts**

Tampon Ad Is Australia's Most-Complained About of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Idiots everywhere raved about it: "I think the beaver ad is fantastic! i couldn't stop laughing when i saw the ad -good on you guys!!!!!" "This was cheeky and effective. Well done!" "Congratulations! What a fantastic advertising campaign!" Uh, yeah... because people write to companies they hardly know and applaud their advertising department, suuure.

So, it should come as no surprise that Kimberly-Clark testimonials on behalf of their "Beaver" ad campaign are obvious fakes... and certainly not after you see the ad, rated as the year's #1 Most Complained About Commercial, which came close to being yanked in Australia:

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people complained because this ad was mind-numbingly obvious and an insult to our intelligence, instead of for offending Puritans with strict mores?

Via YouTube.

Regarding The Facebook, It's Time for Plan B (Facebook the Sh*t Out of Facebook)

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

A Beaver Is A Woman's Best Friend (In Australia)

"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:44:00 GMT

An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute.

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

Christopher Johnson, who works as an adviser at OSU's nursing school, was busted for promoting prostitution after launching the raffle through a Craigslist posting, then throwing a party for ticketholders at his friend Rusty Blades' house. Unfortunately, "Rusty Blades" is a real estate agent and not a porn star, although we're totally reserving the right to use the name in perpetuity.

Here's the kicker: the alleged prostitute is 31-year-old Vanise Dunn, who is child sex-abuse worker at the local Childrens Services center. Hot damn!

Photo of OSU coeds for illustrative purposes only.

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This Week In Gayness: Rise Above The Hate

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:43:00 GMT

If someone says they're "above hating" someone else, it means they're haters.

There's nothing like harmless satire to show people that homosexuals are just as laid-back, easygoing, and as boring as everyone else.

Mike Huckabee, eternally stupid. Now he claims that gays aren't having their civil rights violated because there hasn't been enough violence against their kind.

Did you know an unusually high percentage of gay men smoke? And we don't mean after sex...

A police officer in Memphis plead not guilty in the beating of a transgender person he was supposed to have simply locked up.

A rundown of the gay marriage struggle since 1970.

And Dr. Phil did a show about gay marriage. As you can imagine, it was a completely lackluster piece of crap.

UPDATE: This just in.. a Florida court has ruled the state's ban on gay aboption is unconsitituional.

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Cindy Lederman Tuesday declared Florida's 50-year-old ban on gay adoptions unconstitutional -- a ruling state lawyers immediately said they would challenge.

The ruling sets the stage for Frank Gill, a gay man from North Miami, to adopt two foster children he has raised since 2004.

In a 53-page ruling, Judge Lederman said, "It is clear that sexual orientation is not a predictor of a person's ability to parent." [Miami Herald]

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Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Borat's Brother: Sorta Hot and "Investigating a Lot of Gay Things"

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

This Week In Gayness: Wanda Sykes Has Something To Say

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Under Attack

Caged Heat: PETA Takes Topless Roadshow To Louisiana

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:20:00 GMT

The People For Ethical Treatment of Tasty Animals has invaded Shreveport, Louisiana, and they have a message for you meat-eating hicks. No, wait, they have a message for you circus-going hicks.

In other news: circuses still exist...

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals staged the event — meant to coincide with upcoming local Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Baily circus stops — at the northwest corner of Texas and Edwards streets.

“Many people were baffled to see what goes on behind the scenes at a circus,” said Virginia Fort, a PETA paid staffer. She said the dozens who stopped to look or take photos was a good turnout.

PETA made a stop Tuesday in Alexandria.

“They shouldn’t treat them bad,” said Jody Abbitt, who works downtown and took photos of protester Christina Dang, 22, of Michigan. Dang crouched in a cage below signs saying animals should be free.

Whom shall they not treat badly, Jody Abbitt? The animals or the protestors? Either way, you're right, Jody: it's terrible to see what goes on backstage-- those poor bikini-clad or topless women are caged and told to visit Louisiana.

Oh, right, naked women are supposed to represent... tigers. Or something. Seriously-- this an, um, pet issue for us as well. Check out the video:

Top photo via KFC Protest (obviously.) Video, story, and additional photo via this link.

PETA Gets Women's Clothes Off Faster Than a $50 Bill at the Bunny Ranch

PETA: Public Nudity Didn't Work, Let's Try Public Showering...

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Generate This: Facebook Status Generator For The Lazy, Self-Obsessed

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:43:00 GMT

We've all done it: signed on to Facebook, seen that status update at the top, the one that hasn't been updated since 2006, still saying you're at a great party and wish everyone was there. So, you clear the status and say to yourself, "Why can't I be brilliant and creative and sound like I'm getting laid just to prove to that Racer X guy that I can?"

Well, you could do ~~worse~~ better than this silly new website: generateus.

Here are some of the Facebook status updates it came up for me, based on my name and my gender:

Brian knows he's getting old when he stoops to tie his shoes and wonders what else he can do while he's down there
Brian loves his job. That's why he saves it for later.

That one works: it's true that I'm just getting it together this afternoon. But man, could these be any more dull? Why not just clear your status and stop Tweeting and boring people with our every move?

Brian is contemplating internal combustion, since the match won't stay lit long enough to ignite the gunpowder he's eaten today.
Brian is embarrassing his children. A full time occupation.
Brian wonders whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

Come on, if we have this kind of time, why don't we come up with better bullshit on our own?

Via generateus.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

Thirtysomething is the New Stupidsomething

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Give the gift of condoms this holiday season—to your mom. Okay, maybe not to your mom, unless you're a teenager (in which case, turn off your computer and go watch "Saved by the Bell" right now!), but maybe you should give your older, divorced sister some condoms. Because according to a new study out of the UK, people in their 30's and 40's are much less likely than teenagers to use condoms when having sex with someone new.

While 68 percent of 16- to 19-year-olds said they used protection for the first sexual encounter with a new partner, just 38 percent of men and 29 percent of women aged 35 to 44 reported doing so, Dr. Catherine H. Mercer of University College London and her colleagues found.

"Increasing rates of STIs diagnosed among those in their 30s and 40s suggest that interventions that promote consistent condom use with new partners are urgently required, not just for young people as has been the focus recently, but for people in their 30s and 40s and older who are increasingly forming new partnerships," Mercer and her team write in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

The researchers surveyed 11,161 men and women 16 to 44 years old. Each person was interviewed face-to-face, and then answered more sensitive questions about sexual issues using a computer-assisted self-interview. Study participants reported the number of sexual partners they'd had, and also gave detailed information on the nature of their last three relationships.

The survey turned up 15,488 heterosexual partnerships reported by 9,598 people. For men, 39 percent of these partnerships were casual (defined as "not (yet) regular"), while 20 percent of women's were. Overall, 37 percent of men and 29 percent of women said they used a condom the last time they had sex.

When having sex for the first time with a partner, 55 percent of participants used a condom. Couples with an age difference of five years or greater were less likely to use condoms when they had sex the first time. And 23 percent of men said that they'd had sex within 24 hours of meeting their current partner, compared to about 11 percent of women.

The high rate of unprotected sex they identified, especially in casual partnerships is "worrisome," the researchers say. They conclude: "Condom use with new partners needs to be promoted among all age groups."

[Reuters: Older people more likely to have unprotected sex]

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When Are You Too Old And Senile To Have Sex?

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:41:00 GMT

Britney Spears has another comeback video for the masses to eat up for two seconds, then dispose of in the nearest receptacle.

Aside from the music, which, like everything the pop star has released, is awful beyond words in our current vocabulary, this is the best MTV video we've seen in years... which, since we haven't seen a video on MTV since 1993, isn't saying much...

Britney Spears - Womanizer (Director Cut)

We kind of like the part where she photocopies her ass (while wearing a skirt? wha?) and then, for no apparent reason, slams that guy's head onto the copier. It gave us a little peek into what likely goes on at Britney Headquarters on a daily basis-- Britney comes in wearing something that would be incredibly desirable on any other woman of the world, then beats the shit out of everyone and shaves herself in appropriate places, like her head or the backseat of a Volkswagen.

P.S. Can anyone explain to us why that cell phone calendar stops on April 20th, of all the dates in the world, the day of the Columbine massacre and Hitler's birthday? Just asking...

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

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We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's time someone called "nuts!" on this McCain campaign suspension, fake attempt to save the economy, and the sabotaging of that fake attempt once it appeared Obama had the upper hand on the issue again...

Here's what we've heard. It's possible, of course, that Politico, Politics1, RCP, and all the other sources are wrong, but let's assume otherwise for the moment:

1) McCain told David Letterman he couldn't do anymore interviews because he was rushing back to DC to work on legislation. This was proven, on air, to be a lie, as McCain ran over to do an interview with Katie Couric instead. Fine, whatever. But why then did McCain wait until the morning to fly to DC? Didn't he know that would be a big red flag for people?

2) McCain said he was going to suspend campaigning. But we've heard from several sources that his ads are still running, his workers are still working, and McCain is still "campaigning" in every sense of the term except for actual stump speeches. See more about what his campaign has been up to since the suspension here.

3) Politico and Politics1 report on how the deal fell apart, thanks to McCain and Bush and their political maneuvering. You have to read this whole thing to appreciate it:

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson['s] $700 billion bailout... fell apart in bitter arguing during the meeting at the White House called by President Bush... [which was held] at the urging of John McCain. [The Dems] jointly deferred to Barack Obama, who set forth the[ir] concerns. One Republican at the meeting told Politico that Obama's leading role -- versus McCain's nearly silent role at the meeting -- was "an ambush" and the Democrats "did a very good job" of surprising Bush and McCain.
Obama immediately raised concerns that House Republicans had spent the day secretly plotting with McCain to sabotage the Bush/Paulson plan. Obama said the Democrats would not be party to advancing any bailout plan if McCain and the Congressional Republicans were not solidly behind the plan. Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) -- one of the fiscal hawks who had been crafting the conservative alternative plan -- confirmed that the House Republicans had met with McCain during the day as they worked on the rival plan. ..."This is such a crisis I'm not going to draw some line in the sand. We can't leave without doing something, but we don't think the votes are here for Paulson," said Ryan. As the White House meeting degenerated into bickering, the Democrats walked out to caucus...

Here's the short version of the rest: Paulson apparently (literally!) got down on his hands and knees in front of Pelosi and begged them not to quit the talks. According to Politico, his worst fears about what Bush and McCain would try to do-- that is, play politics with the legislation and try to give most of the gargantuan payoff to those who didn't need it, like CEOs-- were confirmed and the talks stalled. The Democrats and Republicans sectioned themselves off and continued into the evening with the discussions, leaving some to wonder...

4)... is John McCain going to show up for the debate? As we've said before, if he doesn't, he could get trashed like no Republican has been since Bob Dole's bumbling 1996 campaign. Obama would be able to mop the floor with him in a town hall-style discussion and emerge the almost unbeatable frontrunner. John McCain: are you getting any of this?!

More via Politics1.

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Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

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Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Sex toy manufacturer Touche calls this dual-action vibrator-shaver the Womaniser (ooh, touche.)

But what do the Brits who have already tried it out think of this strange new invention? The Womaniser, which lasts for about forty minutes per battery charge, has not gone over so well with Love Honey's customer reviewer:

It really is a case of form over function. The packaging is amazing, all sexy and black and sophisticated.The shaver and vibrator are at different ends and the shaver is hidden behind a ‘safety cap’. Now this is where we have our first problem. This is NOT a safety cap. It’s a lump of silicone with metal inside that loosely cover[s] the shaver. I spent ages trying to ‘click’ the cap shut, thinking I must be an idiot, but I have come to the decision that there is no mechanism to keep the top on. The shaver seems to snag the hair and is just not sharp enough when under cover of the comb. It can tidy you up a bit but no more than that.

Now onto the vibrator... the battery compartment and button stick out, there’s no way you can use this inside the vagina... it seems designed to be used as a g-spot stimulator as well, yet can’t be.

Crucially, she goes on (well, we're assuming it's a "she"), the vibrator fails as a masturbatory device as well, due to its weak vibrations. Apparently, setting your Nokia phone to shake and shimmy would be a better option. And, as we know from personal experience, since Nokia's tend to capture hair off our heads while we're talking, it might work as a shaver while we're self-satisfying, as well...

Via Love Honey UK.

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Ellen Pompeo Goes Nude For Allure

Man Sells His Soul To Hell (Pizza)

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We're not making this up (although CNN and the AP might be): a man named (Sir?) Walter Scott of Wellington, New Zealand, has sold his soul for $3,800... to a pizza place... named "Hell Pizza."

We hope Walter was joking when he shrugged off the country's collective moral outrage and noted in the auction listing

"I can't see it, touch it or feel it, but I can sell it, so I'm going to palm it off to the highest bidder."

After the sellouts at TradeMe (some sort of e-bay ripoff in Kiwiland) pulled the auction, the owners of the local Hell Pizza stepped in like Robert De Niro in "Angel Heart."

"The soul belongs to Hell, there is simply no better place for it," Allison told The Associated Press. "He was pretty delighted."
O'Donnell had said on Wednesday that Scott's auction complied with TradeMe's rules because a physical object -- the deed of ownership -- would change hands.
Allison said she would fly to Scott's home town of Wanganui on North Island Friday "to pick up the soul -- or at least the deed of ownership."

A kid tried this once on ebay, but it was pulled for the same reason-- the soul was not considered tangible by the site's management. (Back in '05, the Billionaires For Bush auctioned off social security to the highest Wall Street bidder for almost one billion dollars, but unfortunately that program remains in the hands of the unwashed masses.)

Via CNN.

Lindsay Lohan: "It's like, what was I thinking?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Lindsay looks back on 2007 in February's Bazar, "It's like, what was I thinking?" Our thoughts exactly, Lindsay.

[Yahoo!: Lohan: 'It's like, what was I thinking?']