Scanner : stupid criminals

Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Here's your dumb criminals of the month: not only were they caught preparing for the robbery, chased out of the targeted store by a woman with a flyswatter, but after being tackled by a random security guard who was on to them before they even put on their "masks," one of them realized his Mom was one of the gawking bystanders.

The weirdness continues below...

1) Herman Sakaria, a local security guard, was heading toward his car when he noticed two sixteen-year-old males covering over their license plate. Sensing something was up, he lurked in the shadows and watched as the youths put plastic bags over their faces (!) and pulled out steak knives.

2) The youths ran into a store and demanded cash. For some reason, Stuff.co.nz's version of the story insists upon describing the store's proprietors as a "a Korean man and woman" (while, at the same time, ignoring the ethnicities of the culprits and their captor, depicted above in a censored photo taken by an onlooker.)

3) The shopkeepers chased the kids out without using a weapon, apparently, although the woman did beat one of the kids with... a flyswatter. Meanwhile, Sakaria was waiting for the robbers and tackled them as they left the premises.

4) Sakaria held the boys down until police arrived (in America, the story would've gone: "he eventually was forced to release the boys after twenty minutes because the police hadn't respond to the 9-1-1 call, assuming someone had dialed it at all.") While one of the boys was moaning and groaning under the guard's knee, he looked up and noticed a woman walking by. "Oh shit," he said, "There's my mum."

5) The boys could received up to 14 years in prison apiece.

Coda) The bizarrely-written story concludes:

"Police say the incident is a reminder for Rodney residents to batten down the hatches during the Christmas and holiday period to divert potential robberies and burglaries."

A reminder based on what? This incident, which closer to theater than crime, is a reminder that someone might burglarize our apartments? Whatever you say, coppers...

Related:

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$108 Mil Transvestite Jewelry Heist

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Whatever... He's My Kind Of Criminal

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:32:00 GMT

Meet 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez. He was arrested in Fresno over the weekend after he broke into a home, robbed its inhabitants of $900 and...

a) humped their dog.
b) beat a man with an 8-pound sausage.
c) threw spices in a man's face.

B and C.

The bizarre crime is detailed in a Fresno County Sheriff's Department report, the funniest document you'll read this month. According to investigators, Vasquez, pictured in the mug shot below, robbed the home of a group of farmworkers, two of whom were assaulted during the 8 AM confrontation. Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home's front porch when he "felt something hit him in the face," the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found "an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage." Santiago, deputies reported, "said the sausage was about 8" long." Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy's seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy's specializes in "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades," according to its web site. Before fleeing the residence, Vasquez, for some reason, removed his shorts, which contained his driver's license, credit cards, school IDs, and cell phone. He ran into a nearby orange orchard, but was soon apprehended by a deputy who noted that the suspect was wearing "a white sleeveless tee shirt and green boxers." However, cops were unable to recover Vasquez's principal weapon. "I asked Santiago where the sausage was," Deputy George Ozburn wrote, "he advised his dog ate it."

[The Smoking Gun: Assault With an 8-Inch Sausage]

Whistling Man Shows Neighbor His Skin Flute

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 19:25:00 GMT

So you're naked in your garage. Fine. No problem. Your neighbor you've always been attracted is walking to her car. OK, cool, there's no law against you watching her walk to the car -- we're not going to demand you avert your eyes. She looks good and you think, "how bout I give a little whistle of appreciation...?"

See, yeah, there's where you lost us. You may live in Ogletown (seriously!) but it is not OK to stand naked with your garage door open and give a "hey baby" whistle at your neighbor. You're appreciation will not be appreciated. Also, if you're going to be nude in the garage, close the damn door.

In other words, take a lesson from this loser in Deleware:

When officers spoke to Jones, he said he was working on his car in the garage and "spilled gasoline on his clothing," according to court records.

He said he was near his inside door and "didn't think anyone would see him."

The officer taking the report questioned how much gasoline was spilled, requiring him to remove his clothes.

Jones replied, 'Well, you know how gas is," police said.

Well, we're not sure "how gas is," but thanks to this story we know how idiots are.

Sloppy Seconds: Could We Possibly Love Steve Carell Any More? Yes, Actually.

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Reality TV stars are not there to make friends. Got it? [YouTube]

The first bit of Madonna's brother's tell-all book has been leaked, and apparently she once kissed Gwyneth Paltrow on the lips. Somebody call the gay police! [Us]

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have ended their year-long relationship. Luckily, they'll have some downtime before they constantly run into each other at the "He's Just Not That Into You" premieres in February. [Yahoo!]

Criminals covered in barbeque sauce. Best band name ever or best part of a news story? [WBAY]

Is it possible that Americans are not the most obnoxious tourists in the world? [TIME]

We continue to love Lilo and Sam Ronson's love. [MollyGood]

As if anything could make us love Steve Carell more than we already do (no not the stubble, we just found that picture), he defended the honor of one Miss Anne Hathaway on the red carpet. [People]

The Customer Is Always Wrong At Our "Website Of The Day"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”
Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”
Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”
Lady: “It came out positive.”
Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”
G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*
Me: “I’m…sorry?”
G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”
Me: “I’ll get right on that."

These and more gems at a sort of Overheard in NY-style blog that collects stories of awful, awful idjits.

If your day has been full of people you have considered beating over the head with laptops, hamburgers, and carburetors, the shitbags featured on Not Always Right will remind you that you're not the only one out there that these people bother.

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”
Me: “We can overnight the key, and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbors house?”
Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”
Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”
Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”
Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”
(Customer stares at me.)
Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”
Customer: “Damn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”
Me: “I do what I can.”

Seattle Sex Shop Robbed

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Of all the places to rob, a sex shop isn't the first that comes to mind. Sure, vibrators are a little over priced, but if we were going to pull off a robbery (which we're not), we'd probably choose a different kind-of business. Anyway, someone apparently really wanted sex toys and ripped off a Babeland in Seattle, but the joke is on the thieves.

The sex toys they stole—the ones on display—were mostly broken. From Babeland's blog:

Also, I hope they have fun with the sex toys they stole because I’ll let you in on a little secret: they’re mostly broken! The sex toys used in the window displays are old toys that have seen better days. We recycle them by putting silly hats on them or doll clothes or sunglasses. Unless the person who stole them has the most unusual doll-house collection I’ve ever seen, they’re not going to get much use out of their purloined goods.

It's also possible that someone raided the store in an act of protest, or that it was a drunk person from the pub next door, but we'd like to think some stupid robber is sitting at home wondering why her vibrator won't vibrate and wishing she'd held up a McDonald's for some cash instead.

[Babeland's Blog: Vandalism and Theft at Seattle Babeland]