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No Matter How Uncool You Might Feel Sometimes, You'll Always Be Cooler Than These People

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The 12 Saddest World Record Attempts Ever Caught on Video

Here's today's funniest video, courtesy of Cracked. Is there anything finer than a Poor Man's Wil Wheaton sitting around a bad bluescreen and making cracks about burning old people alive?

Yes, there is: the morons that man lampoons.

"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

Related:

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eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Ask Andy: Birth Control

19th Century Women Stuck a Cork in It

eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:27:00 GMT

The preponderance of repetitive and redundant* websites dedicated to the art of telling other people how to do seemingly simple tasks has been disturbing us for some time.

But then someone pointed out eHow's section on having sex and we had to wonder, "Is eHow trying to get eight-year-olds laid?" Because that's about the only age group that could benefit from Captain Obvious's "How to..."

For example, take a look at the rundown for "How to Take Off her Clothes With Your Teeth." It's not: "1, Open mouth; 2, Bite down on clothes; 3, Pull," but close:

Assess the situation. Are the clothes too troublesome to take off with your teeth or are they just right for your "dental digits?" Buttons are usually difficult to remove unless you are really good at this.
Study the clothes she is wearing. Removing clothes with your teeth is very much the same as removing them with your hands, except that your hands are tied behind your back.

Develop a plan. She will find it cute that you are serious about completing your mission.

Take extra care. Tearing her clothing with your teeth is a major turn-off. If it is soft and delicate, then there is a chance that you might rip it.

Don't take too long. If she is truly turned on, then she will not really care that much how you finish taking her clothes off.

And that's one of the more "interesting" and "educational" entries. Here's our favorite: How to Have Sex With the Woman on Top:

1. Get naked with your partner and find a flat, comfortable surface--a nice, soft bed is preferable.
2. The man should lie on his back while the woman gets on her knees and straddles him. She should face the man to make it easy for kissing and caressing.
3. Slide the penis into the vagina. The woman can now move up and down, side to side, or however she wants. She controls the speed and depth of the intercourse.

Slide the penis into the vagina. How is this helpful at all? Why didn't they just say, "lower the naked vagina onto the naked penis, thrust," the end? Has anyone ever found one of these instructional websites to be useful in any capacity? And do they pay? Because, clearly, that would be an easy living.

*In the sense that since there are already so many of them, we don't need any more.

Related:

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Ask Andy: Birth Control

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

[Image]

Why You Shouldn't Build a Meth Lab in a Funeral Home

Colleen Kane — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:55:00 GMT

In the case of one Arkansas man, Robert Lee Lewis, his error in meth lab locations was not that people are dying to get into the funeral home where he used to work.

No, he shouldn't have built his meth lab in a funeral home basement because it was ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

Ahem. Now that we are calmer, we also recommend not building a meth lab at all.

Do NOT Eat the Peanut Butter Crystal Meth!

Sloppy Seconds: What Ever Happened to Stephanie (After the Meth)?

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While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Deep Throat died. No, not Linda Lovelace, silly.

Senator Norm Coleman is now down to a six vote lead over Al Franken, with more troublesome decisions likely to go his opponent's way.

This is a family that truly deserves coal in their stockings: a 21-year-old woman and her father have sued the victim of the car crash that killed her boyfriend, which she caused while driving drunk. The woman served only four months in prison and is lucky to be alive-- but that's not enough for her. Now, she's suing everyone in sight to somehow come out ahead in all this. Disgraceful, despicable, and (we wish) deport-able.

Check out this eye-catching ad for How I Met Your Mother, which is in the form of photographic reenactments of 2008's most memorable moments.

U2's next album will be out on March 3rd.

How'd you like to grow up in this (nut)house? An Arkansas family just welcomed their 18th child.

The Scarlett Johansson snot rag is selling for over 2 million dollars... if you believe anyone is actually going to pay for this auction.

And HBO greenlit a show starring Thomas Jane that revolves around a man and his massive dong. We're dead serious.

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

The Customer Is Always Wrong At Our "Website Of The Day"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”
Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”
Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”
Lady: “It came out positive.”
Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”
G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*
Me: “I’m…sorry?”
G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”
Me: “I’ll get right on that."

These and more gems at a sort of Overheard in NY-style blog that collects stories of awful, awful idjits.

If your day has been full of people you have considered beating over the head with laptops, hamburgers, and carburetors, the shitbags featured on Not Always Right will remind you that you're not the only one out there that these people bother.

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”
Me: “We can overnight the key, and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbors house?”
Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”
Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”
Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”
Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”
(Customer stares at me.)
Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”
Customer: “Damn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”
Me: “I do what I can.”

Scanner : stupid people

No Matter How Uncool You Might Feel Sometimes, You'll Always Be Cooler Than These People

"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Who Does Depression Hurt? Everybody Except Women Taking Semen Vaginally, Says a New Study

eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Ask Andy: Birth Control

19th Century Women Stuck a Cork in It

eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Cringeworthy Story of the Day: Inmate Tries to Cut Off His Own Penis With....

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

Why You Shouldn't Build a Meth Lab in a Funeral Home

The Montana Meth Project Scares Us Straight

Do NOT Eat the Peanut Butter Crystal Meth!

Sloppy Seconds: What Ever Happened to Stephanie (After the Meth)?

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

The Customer Is Always Wrong At Our "Website Of The Day"