Scanner : summer camp

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

As you may have noticed, we're cleaning house today in preparation for a radically inventive new year, free of server crashes and other taint.

One way of wrapping it up is a post that covers just about everything you missed in 2008 here on Scanner. And while a Best of the Year list is still to come, we want to make sure you get an overall summation of what went down here in the past 365...

In January, we revealed a new study that indicated abortion rates are plummeting, coinciding with the release of Juno. Our readers claimed the real reason is because there are no more abortion clinics. The same month, I, Scanner Brian and Bobby Tisdale mutually invaded the Nerve offices to demand jobs, neither of us realizing what the hell we were doing. The next thing we knew, we were both blogging here and even making a bit of cash (yes, we get paid to write this garbage! Ha ha ha, suckers.)

In Februrary, Scanner Nicole returned from opening for the Stones and we became a bit too obsessed with Valentine's Day, which will happen again in 2009, despite the economy. Scanner Emily threw a party, at which Katie Halper did a bit about her crazy dating life, which lead to a brief stint blogging for Scanner. (We have a higher turnover rate than an American Apparel secretary pool.) We felt better about the younger generation after hearing about this t-shirt protest and became afraid for the future of England after this one.

The Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March and our obsession with Ashley Alexandra Dupre began. The only other story we can recall about March was our Name That Bush contest. The big story would've been the Lindsay Lohan sex tape or the lost frog, had we ever actually found either.

In April, we ruffled some feathers with this misinterpreted post about some photos of Neve Campbell's boobs. Luckily, everyone was distracted by the blog about the passive aggressive notes or some other bullshit.

May saw the beginning of the end of the Democratic primary, although all we cared about is this totally hot actress with the worst outfit on the planet, even this totally nude non-actress was way more memorable. We also began fixating on vegetables with penises, a problem that continues into the current week at Scanner.

In June, Scanner Bryan (my spelling is the correct one, damn it) left us to for a Remote Island, causing total anarchy and a lack of James Lipton jokes. Scanner Nicole interviewed the owner of the Real Dolls and we... well, we couldn't land any interviews with porn stars so we could kickstart our "regular" feature. Most memorably, a woman was seriously injured by her Victoria's Secret thong and, in our then-biggest story ever, a kid died as a result of a urinary tract infection while his prayed. Yikes.

Then Scanner Emily took off for summer camp in New Hampshire and we were left holding the bag... of flaming shit! Just kidding-- our July was a smash success, mostly thanks to Michael Phelps's peen and other deliberately nude Olympians. Meanwhile, the Naked Lady rode again.

August was the month of stupid people. The stupid people who gave out their bank info (to a teenage boy undercover!) in order to access what they hoped would be a library of child porn. Each day's Sloppy Seconds was chock full of idiocy and weirdness, while Highs and Lows, as is the case with the two previously-mentioned August posts, was all about Sweden, the greatest country for sex, nudity, and nutjobs in the world.

In September, Emily returned from her hot (not very), wet (not in that way), American summer. Scanner was on the floor for Sarah Palin's night at the RNC and got involved with a police-led riot. Speaking of Palin, Scanner Emily wrote about virtually nothing else that month-- and we joined her, only because we couldn't resist posting these Photoshop classics.

As for Halloween, we were already talking about (slutty) Halloween costumes on the third day of October. Meanwhile, Hayden (our former love) pretended to support John McCain on Funny or Die. (By the way, more costumes posts here and here.)

Mid-November, we welcomed Scanner Matt and Scanner Emily started some shit with some Facebook Mormons. (We actually first wrote that as "Facebook Morons" and almost kept it.) At Thanksgiving, we were thankful for getting laid, Arlo Guthrie (not by Arlo Guthrie, thank God), and sweeet 'tater not pie.

Over the last month, there have been many brilliant posts, all of them written by myself, of course. Seriously, though, if you missed out on the last month, start here and read back. (Or just read Scanner Colleen's most beloved post.) This has taken us a century to write as is.

See you next year, sucka!

We Feel a Little Better About the Three Fried Dough Balls We Ate at Dinner

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:37:00 GMT

Would you believe that we gained ten pounds at camp last year? It seems impossible with all that hiking and swimming and running after children. But those three dough balls we had tonight with our beef and beans and sweet potatoes is the biggest meal we've eaten since we left camp last year. And then there was pudding.

Maybe the world's sexiest woman (according to FHM, not us) should join us at camp and eat three fried dough balls with every meal now, too, as she's been ordered to pack on the pounds for an upcoming role.

Michael Bay, the director of the Transformers sequel, has told Megan Fox she needs to gain ten pounds for the role because she's too skinny.

"I'd lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn't like skinny girls," Fox told Fox News. "I eat red velvet cake before I go to bed every night. If you eat meals later, you'll put on weight faster, so I had dinner at 10pm".

Seriously, girl. Fried. Dough. Balls. Summer. Camp. Easiest ten pounds you will ever gain, sadly.

[MTV UK: Megan Fox Ordered to Get Fat]

Related:

We're Off to Get Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Who The Hell? FHM's Sexiest Woman in The World

Lena Headey Too Skinny to Play Sarah Connor?

We're Off to Get Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:11:00 GMT

Did you think we were joking about all that summer camp obsession business? Because today we're off to teach journalism and food writing (revolving around s'mores, thank you very much) to impressionable young things in the wilds of New Hampshire.

Truth be told, there probably won't be that much finger banging going on, at least not in our world, considering Scanner Emily is the oldest camp counselor ever, and those things are probably better left to the 17-year-old counselors across the lake. (Not that Emily doesn't enjoy a good finger banging or dry humping, it's just probably not going to happen.)

We will, however, be busy teaching and swimming and roasting marshmallows. So while you'll get some dispatches from Scanner Emily's Wet, Hot, American Summer, you'll see fewer Scanner Emily posts than usual. Scanner Brian and Scanner Nicole will hold down the fort, with a little help from the lovely Verena von Pfetten.

Be nice to them, and you just might be rewarded with a lanyard or a polished rock.

Related:

Summer Camp is So Gay!

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Open Thread: What's The Dirtiest Thing You Ever Did at Summer Camp?

"Wet, Hot, American Summer"... the Musical?

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

Summer Camp is So Gay!

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:33:00 GMT

As many of you know, we're a little obsessed with summer camp. In fact, we're taking off shortly to run the journalism department at a camp in New Hampshire for six weeks. So it's no surprise that we spend a decent portion of our lonely evenings Googling "camp."

And what did we find on this latest excursion? Camp Camp, a summer camp for LGBT adults.

We're of the belief that every adult should go back to summer camp, at least once. And if you're still afraid that you'll get teased for being a "gaywad" by the camp fire check out Camp Camp.

While many of the daily activities are reminiscent of the summer camp of yore (save massage), evening activities include "Gay Gaymes" and a pajama party. So, really, it's like summer camp with gay sex? Though just to be clear, it's not a sex camp:

While we certainly like to think of Camp as being sex-positive – our infirmary has condoms and dental dams available 24/7 – we are definitely NOT sex-focused. …C’mon – it’s a bunch of gay men and women running around together in the woods for a week, so we won’t lie to you and tell you the only activities happening are those found on the Activities Schedule. (There is a 24-hour hot tub, after all…!)

Can we go even if we're not gay? Because that sounds like fun and we'll be 'round those parts this summer, anyway.

[CampCamp.com]

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Open Thread: What's The Dirtiest Thing You Ever Did at Summer Camp?

Video(s) of the Day: "Barbarian Movie"

"Wet, Hot, American Summer"... the Musical?

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:29:00 GMT

As George Bernard Shaw so famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." We wouldn't have believed it when we were kids, because we wanted nothing more than to be grown ups who could do whatever we wanted. Guess what? Doing whatever we want sometimes sucks, especially when doing whatever we want involves not paying our bills on time or going three years without a visit to the dentist.

Ah, what we wouldn't give now for a strict bed time and some fish sticks — two of the Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults.

10. Going to summer camp.

Is there anything more exciting for a kid than going away to summer camp for the first time? For most kids, it's the first time they spend extended periods away from their parents and for us, it was when we learned the most about ourselves as young people. Luckily, we still go back as counselors (yes, Scanner Emily is quite possibly the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world) every summer and run the journalism department at a camp for the fine and technical arts. We have to hold on to our youth somehow, right?

9. Eating fish sticks for dinner, and that being okay.

How can anyone not love fish sticks? They're like fish 'n chips minus the chips and the sexy British accent. Sure, they come from the freezer section, but they're fucking delicious. All that breading would probably make us fat if we consumed as many as we did when we were kids, though. And you'd probably laugh at us.

8. Going to bed at 8:30.

We can only dream of going to bed at 8:30 when we finally go to bed at 3 a.m. after getting most — but not all — of our work done for the day.

7. Going to the doctor and never seeing a bill.

We used to think the doctor took care of us because he wanted us to get better, not because he wanted a new car. Now we have to truly believe we're on our death bed or be absolutely certain a bone is broken before we'd even consider getting within 500 feet of a medical professional, lest we want to default on our student loans (which brings us to an honorable mention: free school).

6. Picking our noses.

Sometimes there's just one you have to get. Definitely loses all charm when an adult does it.

5. Being applauded for everything.

When was the last time someone clapped when you pooped in the toilet?

4. Bursting into tears when we don't get what we want.

Not that we haven't cried over unrequited love, lost apartments or plane tickets that doubled in price over night, forcing us to cancel our vacations, but it's not the same when Dad isn't there to comfort us and give us our first lesson in personal finance while explaining that he just doesn't have the money for that Shetland pony we were so, so in love with.

3. Running around the yard naked.

Not only would this require a yard, it would require us to have the self confidence to actually run while naked. There are so many things wrong with that picture we won't even begin to go there.

2. Believing our parents are immortal.

1. Asking random boys to show us their penises.

The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" line only works until about 11. Then you're expected to do more. But we could have saved ourselves a lot of disappointment in our teens and early twenties had we been able to check out the goods before committing to any physical contact.

Open Thread: What's The Dirtiest Thing You Ever Did at Summer Camp?

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:02:00 GMT

Last week we told you all about how we got finger banged by Michael Ian Black at summer camp. You might have guessed it was a lie. While he did finger bang some girl named Emily at his summer camp, it was not us or our summer camp. In fact, we had some pretty mild summers, sexually speaking. That's why we want to live vicariously through you. What's the dirtiest thing you ever did at summer camp?

Can You Help Us Re-Stage Our "YoungMe?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:36:00 GMT

Over at Color Wars 2008, our new favorite website based soley on the fact that the tagline is "It's just like summer camp," happy campers are re-staging photographs from their childhood. We might need a little help with ours, though. Anyone have an extra pillar and some booties hanging around?

Yeah, we know this is, like, the third time we've posted this picture. But doesn't it kind-of get better every time?

[Color Wars 2008: YOUNGME–NOWME]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We can't think of anything in the world that compares to getting finger banged at summer camp. So we'll leave it at that sweet, sweaty, sticky thought. The rest of the stuff that happened this week is after the jump.

Highs:

We visited a brothel.

We wrote a dirty story.

We found the greatest porn poster ever.

And quite possibly the trailer for the greatest biopic David Lynch never made.

Desmond Tutu did it with the gays.

We got finger banged at summer camp. By someone famous!

Cindy McCain got sporked. By you!

We agreed we like our women with a little meat on their bones. Even our beauty queens.

We learned that Bill O'Reilly is maybe, almost funny. In an asshole kind of way.

We almost saw Ellen Page's boobs.

Lows:

We almost saw Ellen Page's boobs.

We were offline for a while.

We kind-of hated the blogosphere for a minute, but then we realized we might just be tired of Madonna.

We found our next career move, and no, it's not hooking.

Brad Pitt got kind-of ugly.

This guy creeped us out.

We visited the Museum of Broken Relationships, and shed a few tears.

Our Crush of the Week died.

"Wet, Hot, American Summer"... the Musical?

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 14:51:00 GMT

We're not huge fans of Broadway around here. We had the acting "bug" in our system for a while in high school and we may have been voted "best actress" in our senior class. A love of theater may have been about 3.06 per cent responsible for our move to New York at age 18 and at one time, we may have referred to ourselves as "Rentheads" (but at that time our eyeliner was thicker than our eyebrows and we may have also dated a few guys with goatees). However, about seventeen minutes after moving to the big city, we quickly flushed the acting bug from our system, never to suffer from it again. What we're saying is, there was a time when our tastes were, um different. We thought getting dressed up and going to a Broadway show was exciting. Now we pretty much avoid Times' Square like The Plague and if someone is visting and is just dying to see a musical, it always seems to work out that we have an important meeting—because bloggers have lots, and lots, and lots of important meetings to go to. Seriously.

That said, if "Wet, Hot, American Summer," the greatest movie ever made about a summer camp that's so bad its good, is made into a musical, we're busting out the eyeliner and finding a date with a goatee. Seriously, kids, that movie is the reason we became summer camp counselors at 25 (but don't tell, or we might lose our gig this summer).

[MTV News: Stella On Stage? Wain In Talks For ‘Wet Hot American Musical’]

Video(s) of the Day: "Barbarian Movie"

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:46:00 GMT

Full disclosure: In July and August we worked at an arts camp hoping to have a Wet, Hot American Summer and one of the projects we weren't involved in (and now wish we were) was Barbarian Movie. Basically, a counselor showed up the first day of camp with a trash bag full of thrift store stuffed animals and said, "We will make barbarian costumes out of these. Then we'll make a barbarian movie. It will be called, simply 'Barbarian Movie.'" Well, they did, and it's finally edited and up on YouTube. Below is the trailer. After the jump, parts I and II of "Barbarian Movie."

Note: Skipping to the second half of Part II gets you the soccer field battle scene in which the entire camp (sans Scanner Emily who was too busy editing other video) is covered in mud.